If a man has unresolved feelings over an ex, can he move on to love someone new?

[kymie13]

I know my boyfriend is not over his ex from 10 years ago. They broke up over bad circumstance, not because they chose to. Before we started dating he confided that she "was the love of his life" and that it was hard because there was never any closure. I asked if she came knocking on the door would he take her back, he said no, because of her situation. Of course, I dismissed it as the past. We were only acquaintances at the time so it really didn't carry much weight. After we started dating I was blindsided by the fact that they still talk and "I love you, I love you too" were a regular part of their dialogue. I knew my insecurity would make that difficult to accept, but he begged me to stay. Later I found out it was only about 4mos prior to our dating that he tracked her down and even considered moving to where she lives (another state) to be near her. Again, I thought this was old news! Then I found out he had sent her money, he says before we started dating, and she said she couldn't pay him back and he said don't worry about it, consider it a gift. I saw he had texted her re entities and looked through the text, not secretly, right in front of him. I was very upset and after, we broke up, his point of view was that I had no right to tell him who he could talk to especially since we had only been dating 2mos. We got back together and that subject is now very taboo. I checked his phone, secretly this time, I found out he sent her money again, he doesn't know I know. And again yesterday, I found, 2days ago he texted her to ask if she "remembered that day" which she replied she did...obviously some special memory. So, obviously, he has not let go of his attachment to or his romanticized image of her and what they had. She is not an option, but she keeps a hold on him by needing him, reminiscing about "the good old days" and how much she misses him, loves him and how he is still handsome. Will he ever be able to fully love me? He says he is mine, that he is with me and so is his heart. He is sweet, caring, considerate, thoughtful, affectionate and even tells me he loves me when he thinks I am sleeping, although never straight forward. He treats me well and is never disrespectful. I am happy when I am with him, but this weighs on my heart because I do love him. I truly believe he is trying, but I can definitely feel that something is missing. If I am patient will it come or am I wasting my time fighting for a heart that will never be mine?

Updates

+1 y

I forgot to mention, even though it has been a long time, I am the first relationship since her. I know his heart is torn. Our relationship is new, that one has history. Ours is here and now, that one is far away and in the past. I know he is not over her, and it has recently been rekindled (just before we started dating), but what I need to know from you men is, can he let go and love someone new?

Updates

+1 y

I know it seems the issue is that he is hung up on her. Thank you all for your concerns, but I am a very strong confident woman, I can handle that he has a past and still has emotional attachment to it. I am not asking him to chose her or me. I do not want to force a choice. I am hoping it will come naturally. So, I guess what I am actually asking is, have any of you found that a new love was strong enough to free your heart of a past love that is that strong or will I forever be in her shadow?

[NoOneListens21]

Sounds like you're hoping that he will change so things might not be as bad. =/ Change happens no matter what for better or worse. He's not going to change if you don't give him a reason to. In any relationship you have to be able to talk to one another and it's not really going to happen if you leave it alone and hope for the best. He's use to keeping quite and doing his own thing when it comes to the ex instead of openly admitting that he's doing those things. Why hide that if nothing is going on and things aren't more than friends? Is his reason because he's never had to? or you get upset? Well, wouldn't any normal person be upset by this? I don't know too many people who would be comfortable with that situation to begin with. You probably get upset because they've had a long history, he said she was the love of his life, still talks to her, says I love you, gives her money, and a emotional sound board for her...yeah - I'd be upset too but I'd be even more so if he were hiding these things and not telling mi about them.

I'd also be in doubt if he got defensive about mi saying anything about it or questioning it. You're not asking him to stop being friends with her but to tell you everything that is going on. Just because he has not kept you in the loop before about certain things doesn't mean that it's alright for him to just shut you out in certain parts of his life because he's use to it being that way. Sometimes it's a decision between staying and leaving. You obviously want to stay but it seems as though it's tearing you apart at the same time that he may be involved with another woman or have feelings for her. You have reason to be. You're not crazy or insecure because he has given you reason to believe that he may still have feelings for her. Doing certain things for friends are normal but hiding it...why? It's up to you really. But it sounds like you've made your choice and that you're hoping for the best. I guess that's all you can do when you don't want to leave.

Talking to her may come off either way. But if I were to talk to her I'd would want to see her and meet. They are friends, she's important to him, so why not? I'd want to know her feelings for him if she's still holding on. You might be able to see if she's really still holding on or just using him. I'm not saying come at her and box her into a corner. Just talk. what's wrong with that? nothing. Why should he object? he has nothing to hide. right?

[kymie13]

And remember she lives in another state so meeting her really isn't an option. Randomly asking to talk to her would be awkward, I think they mostly text and don't talk much anyway, besides the fact that I would seem ridiculously insecure and again, I chose not to come off that way, especially no to her! I don't really ever see the opportunity to arise naturally, and I wouldn't dare go into his phone get her number and call her on my own!...so I think talking to her is out of the question.

[kymie13]

Again, the issue isn't really about my ability to deal with the relationship as it is about his ability to love me even though his heart may be occupied by the past :)

[NoOneListens21]

You can't love someone completely if your heart remains somewhere else. it could be innocent but I don't know how he feels lol.

[NoOneListens21]

Idk, I guess that really depends on you. Are you okay with the fact that he's doing and saying these things. Sometimes exs stay friends and they remain close and that can be damaging (sometimes or a lot of the time) to the current or future relationships. He may still be holding on for some hope that they might get back together. I'd just ask him straight out if he wants to be with her anymore and if he is still in love with her and if he is in love with you. I don't think you should stay though =/ because it seems as though he is still...touchy about what he has with her. Yeah, you've only been dating two months...buut what does that mean? You have no say? no right? You're texting your ex...and...you still say I love you to her...i think that is something that should be discussed.

Especially if it's more than a friendly love. I wonder if he'd be understand if you had a ex that you were still talk to and sending money to as well. Would he still be understanding? Sometimes you can't break what the other person has with an ex and they still cling on to it. It's very tricky to be in that situation with someone like that. You might want to consider finding someone new..you know...if you believe you can handle being without him. It will be hard at first but you shouldn't want to be second to someone from the past.

[kymie13]

I'm not really OK with it, but I would not like him telling me I couldn't talk to my exes, I have two, that he knows, that I still talk to, but am not emotionally attached to and certainly don't tell I love, although I do care about them as friends.

I have asked and he says no, he's not in love with her. He doesn't want to get back together. They are just friends and its a friendly I love you, I love you too. But instinct tells me different. I feel it.

[NoOneListens21]

It seems like he's keeping things from you. It would look as bad if he would be more open with you about what goes on between them. It sounds like he has had strong feelings for her and still cares for her. maybe you could talk to her instead. not fight but just talk =P hahah

[kymie13]

I asked him why he doesn't tell me about when he talks to her and he said its because it upsets me. I have pointed out that not telling me males me think he is hiding it and that makes me insecure. He's not much of a talker anyway and says, when do I ever tell you about who I've talked to and what about? So when I ask, I feel like I am invading his privacy and am being insecure.

[NoOneListens21]

Well it may feel like that. But when in a relationship I would want to know and need to know. Just like I would tell the guy who I'm talking to or with or how I feel about them or anything. You are his girlfriend and you should know about that if there is nothing to hide. And yeah, he's right, when has he. that's the point he hasn't and you want him to. You should want him to be open about it so there is nothing that is left unsaid between the two of you.

[kymie13]

I agree. Communicating is not his strong point and it is drives me crazy, but those are my issues, he is who he is, if I want him I have to accept who he is. Hopefully in time he will open up to me...that is more of my concern...in time, can he replace the feelings he is holding on to for her with feelings for me?

Oh, and yes I have considered contacting her, but what would that do? Just show her that I am weak and insecure. I prefer to exhibit confidence and appear unaffected.

[Anonymous]

this question made me wonder about my situation...

like everyone said, you should be with someone who put you first. he is not ready and needs help. also, does the ex. know about you? if he tells her about you then it's kinda different.

i am wondering if my ex. ever got over his ex. I was with him for 10 yrs. anyway...long story

[kymie13]

The last text said something about his girlfriend keeping him up too late and he needed a nap, in the context that being in a relationship was a pain some times :/. So, apparently she knows he has a girlfriend. He puts me first. This weekend he has been extra sweet since my dog died Friday. It's not a matter of him not treating me well he does. He just carries on this secret contact with her and I think that's where his heart is and wonder if it will ever really be mine.

[kymie13]

The problem with wondering about what is in someone else's head or heart is that you will never truly know. You will only know what they want you to. So if you force a decision or an answer you may not get a truth, you will likely get a defensive reaction, which could be exact opposite of what you want, or you may get what you want to hear but not necessarily what they really feel. You may never know, but the only chance you have is for it to come out naturally by their own choice to share.

[standUP]

Yss hun, there is hope... I am with a new girl now who is sweet compassionate loving and just about everything I could hope for.. however I still love my ex and often wish we were together to share the moments I share with the new one... Only for ONE basic fact. my ex and I know we have weathered the ups and downs and supported each other shared many memories and feel there could have been forever at one time...

With the new one there is still that uncertinty and questionable hope. Not to say that in time I realize the same qualitys or more meaningful... I am looking at this the past is the past and the future belongs to you for him...

Far as the pain you feel when you hear and find that his feelings for another are still there, then calm yourself with patients and respect for him being able to love.This is what will guide him to opening his heart fully to you... He will realize that turning all that held back love belongs to the woman who is there with him. Respecting him waiting patiently to recieve and share the LOVE and Compassion through your own time and memories !

[kymie13]

Thank you. Of course that is what I wanted to hear. I am trying very hard to be patient and loving. Some days are harder than others. He's a good man and I have faith that we will work. I just wanted to hear that in time there is a chance he will love me and instead of holding on to the past. That he can see it as beautiful memories and a stepping stone that showed him how to love and enabled him to embark on our path. I just don't want to look back and realize I took a chance I shouldn't have.

[MrOracle]

If he's still hung up on a girl from 10 years ago, he has a BIG problem that he really should have dealt with long ago, and obviously hasn't. IMO, it's gone on so long that he NEEDS some therapy and some work to get past this before the two of you have ANY chance at a relationship. Right now, it's impossible for him to be fully present in your relationship because a big part of him is stuck in the past.

IMO, if he isn't willing to get some help, and do the work the therapist asks of him, then your only option is to pull the plug and move on. Even WITH therapy, there's a decent chance that you'll have to do that anyway, but without help, you are just wasting your time and energy on this relationship.

[kymie13]

Obviously, he hasn't moved on. I am very aware of this. His family all say we are good together. They all say it is in the past and I should let it go. But I don't think he is honest with them about her. He tells me the same, but I can feel that there is a wall. Unfortunately he doesn't see this as a problem, it's not something he wants to let go of now, or yet, or maybe ever...so therapy isn't an option. Thank you for your advice.

[standUP]

After my comments I read the others and your comments are just amazing. You are respectful, mature, and very compassionate. You sound like a wonderful personand so eger to be fully loved, which I truly believe GOD has that planned for you, and even by this man you desire so much... like I said in time your love will outshine his past... NOW and forward on you keep up showing your wonderful loving ways and he will soon realize that your love for him trumps ALL OTHERS... God bless beautiful :),

[kymie13]

That's just the thing, I don't want to take away from his memories or devalue his feelings for her. Nor am I am not trying to erase her from his life. Yes, it is hard for me to accept, and it makes me feel insecure and envious at times, but again, I know that those are MY ISSUES and I have to deal with them. I want him to trust me and want to open up to me and love me, and I know That he has to chose that. I cannot force it and by asking him to chose I am forcing an outcome and I know it won't

[kymie13]

work out. Again I just want to hear from a man that even if your heart is occupied by another that you have the capacity to open it up to fully love again. That it is possible that the new love has to possibility to surpass what you know of love and be even more...thanks again for the encouragement and I truly hope he is in a place to explore new love as you are :) good luck to you in your new adventure too...

[mkc96]

I think he needs to choose. if you could share the "circumstances" in which he had to separate with his ex, it'd reeally help me help you. Obviously he loves her, or he really shouldn't lead her to believe he does. and if he does, it seems wrong, almost as if he's cheating on you, and you know fully. If I really loved a girl, I wouldn't want to be with ANYone other than her. Shed be too special. and if he can't make up his mine, it sounds like all you are to him is a "comfort", someone who loves him and can be close to him, even though the person he truly loves is to far away. And then there's the whole story of sex... ill let you figure that one out because he DEFINITELY shouldn't be sharing partners in bed...

[kymie13]

No, there isn't anything physical between them, but I definitely agree he is not being faithful emotionally. It's not really my story to tell, and I don't want to betray him by sharing it, but they were separated against their choice, and over the past 10 years there hasn't been an opportunity for them to reconnect until earlier this year. Our relationship is relatively new, so I don't feel that he should all of a sudden dismiss feelings he's had for years for someone he cared deeply for because

[kymie13]

of me. I don't expect his feelings for me to be stronger than what he had for her. I would never ask him to chose either. I cannot make him want me/us, he has to WANT on his own. Forcing a choice will not last, even if he did chose me.

[Tripz]

An ex from ten years ago? That is just insane!

Move on

[kymie13]

Omg...I so wish he would! To create a path for us.

[Tripz]

I mean You move on.

In my opinion ofcourse

[kymie13]

Thank you for the advice.

[whiteroses]

sure would like to find out how things turned out

[Anonymous]

If you’re here tell us what happened