When a girl says It's not you, it's me?

[Anonymous]

I'm very confused and heart broken... I'm 25 and met a girl who is 22 we are both single and both decided to start hanging out to get to know each other... she started showing me a lot of affection through text by calling me baby and babe and when we would go out she would lean her head on my shoulder and touch my hand or leg and stuff like that... when she was sick I would take care of her and take her lunch to her work and go out of my way to be nice to her... showered her with gifts and expensive dinners $150-$200 dinners..

We went out for 3 months on 10 dates and on the last date for the first time I held her hand and at the end of the night I kissed her which she leaned forward and kissed me back... but after that I noticed that everything changed she stopped using sweet text names and stopped texting me maybe once a day... told me due to her church schedule we won't be able to see each other much...

So I sent her a text and told her how I feel and that she is being distant and this was her reply :

"From the start you knew I didn't wanted a relationship just yet I was very happy that we were getting to know each other... The kiss didn't scare me away but it did showed me that you liked me more than I thought.. my natural instinct was to just back off a little I just want you to know that you didn't hurt me or do anything wrong I just don't feel ready for a relationship and with the kiss you showed me that if we kept going out a lot you were going to fall in love and I don't want to hurt you. I'm just not at that place yet and I feel that before a kiss there has to be more of a friendship and we've gone out ONLY 10 times. I did have some feeling for you but like I've told you that I've gotten my heart broken in the past I am pretty hard to fall in love with anyone. Your not a bad guy and I loved the way you treated me and spoiled me but because I care for you I'm slowing things down alot... I don't want to be fckd up and lead you on and once your in love tell you that I like you a lot but I'm not feeling this and tell you goodbye because that would be wrong. You can have my friendship and hopefully you can still offer me yours knowing that for a long while I don't want a relationship or anything like that AND IT'S NOT BECAUSE OF YOU Because you would make a great Boyfriend but BECAUSE OF ME I just want to do things right when I'm ready for it."

What should I do?

Why did she showed me signs of affection and even told me she was attracted to me in the past and that I was beginning to win her heart and everything changed in a matter of 24 hrs?

I'm at a loss for words and lost complete motivation and feel depressed and feel like I should just never date again... she was the first girl I kissed in my life since I'm a shy guy...

[Middleman]

Your friend had probably been 'played' earlier by other people in her past, so it's not expected that she would feel this way because she doesn't want to get hurt any longer. Also its possible you're not her type - that her idea of a boyfriend is more of a 'macho-type/dominating/sporty' kind of guy and not the shy introverted type which you are (since you say you're a shy guy); and you hadn't been acting quickly enough sexually during the last 10 dates (ie. having to kiss on the 10th is a long time as I kissed on my 2nd!). In her mind if you really really loved her, you would have started holding her hands, kissing, stroking and touching her already by the 2nd date!

That's why she is unsure of you right now and feeling a little 'lost in love'. Because you took so long to show it to her, she now wants to move on because she is beginning to lose interest. Also she may think if she is going to be in love with you means she'll have to be committed to you for some time and not able to know other kinds of guys (which she may want to know/meet in the back of her mind).

Solution to all this? Give both of you some time and space now to think it over, and DON'T CONTACT HER AT ALL for at least a whole month (30 days). If you wanna convince her to go out and get back to you, it's vitally important you do this...

[Asker]

So what should I do if she text me? Thx for your answer I'll take everything you said and learn from it... It sucks things did not work out because I really fell for her and I feel even worse knowing it was probably my fault.

[Middleman]

Women are 'wired' different to guys. What you see as sexual and exciting is not necessarily how she sees it.

What to do if she does text you? Well you'll need to play a little with her. IGNORE her first message, and perhaps wait a little while for even the 2nd to appear before responding. This is to a) gauge her response, b) tell her subliminally YOU aren't desperate, that you are your own man and c) put YOU in charge of the relationship. If she likes you it will make her think of her actions

[Middleman]

This is because with the delay, she will begin to think what options YOU might have ie. other girls, how guilty she has been since you last spoke (because it was HER who broke up the relationship), and this idea, that 'If I lose him, am I going to find another guy just like him?'. So from this point onwards she will start to respect YOUR space and time with her (if you ever respond to her).

However this is only the surface. You'll need to work on yourself and your approach to get her back...

[Asker]

Thanks again man you seem to be very experienced I wish I was like you then I bet I wouldn't had messed this up... everything you say makes perfect sense and now I get it... sometimes when she texted me I would respond within 2-5 minutes and sometimes it would take her hours to get back to me... if I may bother you one last time when you say I should work on myself and my approach what do you exactly mean by that? what should I do? please explain and once again thank you!

[Middleman]

OK, let me try to put things into perspective. Ask yourself why she doesn't seem to like you? Well there's lots of reasons but one of the first - try to imagine yourself as her. Ask yourself from the time she's known you, what have you done for her? Have you tried to ALWAYS be NICE to her? Always tried to pamper her? Wine & dine her? ie. impress her without ever saying NO or BE A MAN? Chances are you have...and she ISN'T IMPRESSED. Because its become ONE-WAY. There's NO ATTRACTION THERE FOR HER

[Middleman]

When you pamper her too much, she thinks you're a wuss and a walkover. And when you took too long to even kiss her, she lost part of her initial attraction to you. You see, women don't like to mention it, but really deep down most of them also like men and sex (lots of it) and the guy who offers this to her in spades is her ultimate guy. The problem is, she doesn't want to be known for this. And perversely will stop anyone who tries to get into her pants without her trust and consent first.

[Middleman]

Because her self-esteem is her prized possession However you've managed to date her for 10 dates, so in some ways you've earned her trust. But not her love. Why? Probably because you've a) not been sexual towards her fast enough b) not excited her sexually (with words and massaging) or tried making her laugh daily. But most importantly, you haven't made her to FEEL LIKE A WOMAN. By that I mean, through the way you act and talk with her, make her feel comfortable to get into bed with you.

[Middleman]

If you want to get her back, you'll have to do a fair amount of work. First you'll have to be less pampering towards her and be more flirtatious in your texting; be more macho ie. do more physical workouts and define the relationship with boundaries by not agreeing with everything she asks. And most importantly start working on yourself so that she sees YOU don't NEED HER. In addition you need to improve your sex skills ie. massage/foreplay techniques. These will help you get her back.

[Middleman]

If you still have trouble I recommend you check out these two websites : www.textyourexback.com and www.alphamalesystem.com

[NMMan]

She may have commitment issues due to being treated badly by other guys in the past (which is unfortunate), but if she were truly interested, she would find a way to work through that to be with you. Long story short, what she offered you was a virtual non-explanation that avoided and tap-danced around the fact that she doesn't view you as a potential boyfriend.

Case in point, almost NO ONE regrets a kiss from someone they're truly interested in after 10 DATES.

I'm sorry that she played you like that (because I too was once a shy guy years ago), but she's clearly not worth it. Chalk this up to experience and move on, where you'll hopefully find a girl more deserving of how you would treat her.

[Asker]

Thank you bro for your answer... it really sucks tho right now I did everything for this girl I fell in love with her in such a short time... when she went away for a month to visit her dad I even got in a diet to look better for her and dropped from 235lbs to 180lbs... now I feel depressed at home,work, and lost motivation to work out.

[Asker]

The only thing I don't understand is why did she stopped caring from one day to the next... the only thing I know is that her ex boyfriend lives in our same town and I think they might be in contact... right when she changed she asked me a question and claimed that it was her friend who wanted a guys opinion but I felt it was really about her... and the question was related to her "friends" ex how her "friends" ex is now single again and wanted to get back with her "friend" and asked me if I thought

[Asker]

that her "friend" should date her ex again... and so I asked her... why does your friend wants your opinion on this? Does your "friend" still has feelings for the guy? her response was "yes she now wants to date him."

[NMMan]

I think you may have just answered your own question right there. If she wanted to see her ex again, she should have at least given you the courtesy and respect of being honest with you about it...again, there she goes tap-dancing around the truth, but never quite telling it. One other thing, too...keep working out and stay in good health. That's a wonderful, positive change you made in your life and do it for YOU, not anyone else! Good luck!

[NoOneListens21]

Sweetie pie..do you mind if I call you sweetie pie? lmao. it's late so this may come off as something weird hahahah BUT I must say! this advice will be ...worth listening to..at least half of it will make sense. lmao. I wouldn't delete the sweetie pie pt but it's too late so moving on. lol. I believe you should move on. It may have been her as in she wasn't ready or she is letting you down easy. Sometimes a kiss may happen because it was in the moment or she wanted to see if something clicked. Who knows. But you can either torture yourself by saying it was you and causing pain for no reason or you can go and find a girl who will appreciate you and want to be with you. Why waste time on someone who clearly isn't ready or doesn't want to start something with you. =) hope it helps

[luna1608]

Give her time that's all I can say. A girl can only get screwed over so many times before she starts to have trust issues. A girl wouldn't give such a lengthy speech if she didn't feel you werent worth it.

[cuckoobird]

Better that she let you down now rather than later. If you really like this girl, put the romance on hold. Stop pursuing her altogether, other than a passing friendship, and start attending her church to see if you can figure out what is feeding her spiritually. She may just not be that into you or she may be looking for someone who can give her a spiritual commitment that is more in line with her own.

If you don't think it's worth the effort then there are plenty of other women you can date. Just take a break from dating for a while and pick up a new hobby while you're still disappointed. Eventually you will feel better and being shy around women is not a bad idea anyway. Some women are not as nice about letting a guy down as this one was to you.

[Asker]

She's a christian and I actually offered that I wanted to go with church with her and she told me as much as she would like that she said it was best to wait because people at her church are harsh critics and she cares about her reputation and doesn't want people seeing her with a guy and if later I decide to stop going they will see her with wrong eyes.

[Asker]

What has me confused is the fact that she gave me all the signals that she was interested in me... in her body language and all the sudden everything changed in a single day...

[cuckoobird]

Patience. There is may be something going on in her mind or heart that she is not willing or able to divulge to you. It may simply be that she's not really interested in you romantically. That's O.K. because you may still end up with her later down the road, or she may introduce you to the woman of your dreams someday because she sees your intrinsic value and understands your heart on some level but just doesn't feel connected to you herself.

Don't dwell on it too long. Take her at face value

[guy532]

It's you not her. She's not into you, am sorry buddy it happens. Move on before you get even more attached to her, I know that it's much easier said than done. She just likes having you as a friend.

[Asker]

What can I do in the future to not mess things up? why was everything going well? and then everything went to sh*t?

One thing I noticed was that I often gave in to my emotions and told her how much she meant to me and that she was always on my mind and she would never say it back...

But then again why would she tell me that I was winning her heart slowly and that she was interested in me and somewhat physically attracted?

[guy532]

I can't tell you what you did wrong since I wasn't there, but maybe you were a bit too clingy. Each girl is different so there isn't a magic bullet that will work on all of them. The best thing you can do is just be yourself and if that works you know you got yourself a winner. You didn't necessarily do anything wrong, she might just not felt that spark that you felt. All the girls that have turned me down have done it very disrespectfully, you should at least be happy she turned you down

[guy532]

in such a kind and respectful way. You can't expect to find Mrs. Right on the first go, there's billions of women out there. Move on to the next, you now have a better chance of finding her.