Biggest difference on the way men/women perceive love/sex?

[kriskiss]

What do you think is the biggest difference on how men and women differ on the way they pursue or interpret sex/love/relationships/dating/etc...and please explain your answer. Thanks.

[manday]

Me 5 11 140 and an only child. I am a tall and skinny guy. I have way to much stress in my life so I don’t sleep right and that affect my dating life greatly. On the other hand I am very freaken smart. Being smart has negatively affects my dating life because people generally don’t like people that always have the right answer and that have to correct them (we get this from rebelling against our parents). People will admire you for providing good advice or have a smirk toward you for knowing more than them. I work with a lot of PHD professors that I know a lot more about computer systems than they do. I provide advice to people that have PHDs on a daily basis. There is a certain amount of arrogance when dealing with people at this level because they are PHDs. I also make an effort to guide people from making the same mistakes again and again. My work life requires me to be precise and to the point. Women tend to be directed by their emotions. Having precise answers anger women a lot of the time and make them feel like you don’t value their viewpoints. Women want answers that would be more of a maybe instead of just a no. I have to have a split personality to manage a girlfriend and my work life.

A lot of the time I have nothing better to do but just learn new things. I have been single for a while now and I have learned a lot in my spare time. I have problems in my life like everyone else does though. My family is F-ed up. I had a girl leave me before because of my parents divorce even though they are many miles away. She got scared of what was happening and left me because she applied those feeling toward me. Women are emotional. They don’t know what to make of me a lot of the time. I can see people think one thing about me by my appearance and then have a different perception after I talk to them for 10 minutes. I do IT computer work at a college that specializes in phycology. I have learned more about phycology in general just by working at the school. I have a good sense of when people are lying to me (from reading phycology articles) which sometimes annoys me that they are just flat out lying to me. I am there to provide customer service and not to determine the truth most of the time. I try to relate to a lot of people and ask them different questions when I am working on their computer just to make the day go by faster. I deal with a lot of different personalities in different moods and situations and have done this for a large part of my life because when computer are broken they belong to people that want their systems fixed. I have seen women fantasize about other men that they like especially with body language. I have had women fantasize about me in the same way. Women will do this even when they have no ability to act on it. Women are human like men are human. They may not act on it though which annoys men. I know it’s not intentional but seeing a young smart married women is tempting but I have moral values.

[kereru]

"Being smart has negatively affects my dating life because people generally don’t like people that always have the right answer and that have to correct them."

LOL you don't HAVE to correct anyone in a social setting, it only serves to make you look arrogant and usually comes off as a put down and makes the person you're talking to feel bad about themselves, being right isn't always the same as doing right.

[OpenClose]

Okay, time to break it down. This seems like a fun question.

Sex:

This is probably the biggest difference between men and women when it comes to relationships. From my experience chatting with people, guys generally consider sex something that creates or increases a bond, whereas women perceive it more as an expression of a bond that is already there.

In the case of those who have sex for status, they are mostly men. It partially has to do with the media telling us "a guy is a loser unless he gets laid".. And it partially has to do with men not having warm, cozy relationships with each other like girls do, for which I blame a homophobic culture. Or more specifically, the perceived notion that anything that makes you warm, soft, or possibly homosexual, makes you undesirable and pathetic.

Girls create this as much as guys: "Ugh, you're such a jerk. I bet you've never gotten laid." And similar insults relating his respect to his sex life.

Also, because of the more hallow relationships men have with each other, our main images of love, lust, beauty, and intimacy are all images of sex. Which is why we have more emotional stake in it, and why we are less comfortable when our partners have shared this "almighty expression of love" with many others.

As for girls, they get to deal with the whole slut bullsh*t. (Yes, guys have an equivalent, too. Generally, if a guy starts going on about his sexual exploits, he will be percieved more negatively or with jealous eyes. The reason he's labeled a "stud" and "admired" is because guys hope to figure out how he got there.)

But since girls are stigmatized more for having a larger sexual history, their libido is repressed. Therefore, they are pickier about who they have sex with. Generally for guys, sex creates/reveals love. For girls, it seems, the passion and love that sex creates has to come BEFORE the sex, which is why their libido seems more fickle and indirect.

Almost like this: "For guys, sex helps you get there. For girls, sex is something you do once you've arrived."

In a sense, you could say it's why guys are more quickly turned on sexually by good-looking girls. We don't know the personality, so our imagination fills in the blanks.

As for dating, I'm not big into the whole "official dating" with its rules (call her about 3.735 hours after the date. Pay. A B C actions say X Y Z.) Traditional dating seems to revolve around this premise: "The man already chose the woman. So the man has to prove he's manly enough and enough of a provider to earn her presence. She just has to give him some tests and judge whether or not he is 'man enough' to be worthy of her."

And thus, as equality ensues, traditional dating goes out the window in favor of hanging out. In Scandinavia, for instance, this style of dating is basically gone. But I digress. These aren't men/women differences.

[OpenClose]

Oh, almost forgot. Girls seem to perceive a relationship as something that fills in the extra gaps that their friendships don't have.

But, again, since guys often don't have as tight of friendships, most of their need for emotional intimacy has to come from relationships. Meaning guys become more dependent on the woman than she is on him.

[Xuande]

From a girl's perspective, I think there is quite a bit of truth to this. My experience has shown that guys' emotional dependence lies more on their partners, whereas girls' emotional dependence is spread across her partner and her own friends / family.

[Ingrid422]

Well I'll try to explain what I think, seriously. Girls often perceive love very romantically. They idealize it a lot when they don't have past love histories - that goes for most teenagers, for instance. They are basically looking for a prince charming. As they grow up, they feel more and more uncomfortable in their own skin and they start thinking "If only I had a boyfriend. I'd know that I'm pretty and I'm worth being loved by someone". It's harsh but true that us females are very much seeking male validation and appreciation in our lives. Someone to make us feel good-looking, sexy, interesting - someone worth knowing. So I think that some girls idealize the whole concept of "love" until they realize that guys don't look for the same thing as them, and that most guys don't express love the same way.

Us gals do sweet things for our man. We are thoughtful, caring and we try to say the right things and look the right way so to make their man want them more. From my experience, guys are way more laidback when it comes to it. At first, they want a girlfriend and once they have it, they see the relationship as a companionship more than anything. They don't overthink it, they don't feel insecure when they're in it, they just take it as it comes and they try to make the girl happy the best way they can.

Us girls often overthink our relationship. We are insecure about the guy's attraction to us and we are much less careless about the relationship. It's not always this way but I think that once the relationship matures and both partners are well aware of each others' needs and emotional expectations, the best is to come.

[tastefulbarbarian]

You're right with the description pertaining to women, but mostly wrong about the male side. If a man is in a relationship, he's the same way. But if the woman is in a relationship but the man thinks it's a companionship it's as you described it.

[Ingrid422]

Of course I can't be right about both ends lol. I wish I could take it one day at a time like my boyfriend does but it's not that easy for me. I have a rooted fear that all good things come to an end so I'm likely to worry about pointless things. Not my fault but I'm working on it. Hopefully that all made sense to you. Kinda hard explaining it all in English lol

[tastefulbarbarian]

Yes, you are right there. Men do tend to be carelessly myopic. I think it has something to do with being largely focused on getting their genetic material out there, unlike the women who's concern is to preserve their children. These small primal things effect everything, even though they are not directly correlated.

[kriskiss]

wow you really offer good advice i wish i could as you as a friend, but stupid gag disallowed the friend feature.

[calialltheway1993]

We're talking sex versus love. Let's make sure to not mix love with sex, and sex with love. Love and sex are two different emotion and feeling.

For women, it's love then sex. For men, it's sex then love.

Women are more sensitive and emotional. They care about little things guys speak. They normally allow their heart to do the thinking, while guys think with their brain... And well d***. Since women are more emotional than men, they want to have genuine feelings for the guy before giving him their body. Whereas. men fall for women, not always true of course- there are some good guys that love women not only for their body, and they like want and like them for them, way before sex happens- after interacting with women and their body physically. Once then have that conneciton going on, they eventually connect with women mentally, even though women have already connected mentally through feelings and emotions before sex.

It's just how humans, man versus woman, are in the world. Overall, the biggest difference on the way men and women perceive love and sex is so different, yet so similar. At the end, you either end up falling in love after sex or falling in love before sex. It's one united answer, afterall.

[calialltheway1993]

and they want and like them*

they*

[kriskiss]

Thanks that makes sense and thanks for the great answer.

[calialltheway1993]

No problem. And thank you, too :p

[eldamien]

Actually, that's a pretty broad generalization. There are a LARGE number of men out there who prefer to fall in love with someone first then become sexually active with them. Those men don't get as much "press", but trust me I've talked to plenty of them.

[joystickhappy]

I HAVE to love a girl before I can even consider sex with her :)

[Sbsbdicjf]

@eldamien that "broad generalization" is pretty damn accurate.

[Anonymous]

for me, I will not have sex with a guy that I don't think loves me. he can say it as much as he wants but if I don't truly believe him I won't give in. it mainly comes from not wanting to be used. I want sex to be a way to bring us closer in the highest level of vulnerability and connection. it is a private, very personal and special thing. totally giving myself to someone, so I don't expect on being used like a temporary toy. for guys it can be about love too, until they get bored. their horomones are so crazy they think their sex drive equates to love. it feels like love, must be love but its not it is lust and their body wanting one thing. young girls can be the same way. everyone knows one of those teenage boy crazed girls, and the teen pregnancy rate supports the horomones vs. love stuff. real love doesn't need sex, its just a plus and higher connection for me.

[manday]

For me finding a young smart non married women is very hard to find because I have a dating complex where I have to value the girls mind as well as like her looks. The guys that end up going to bars (I dislike bars) are the kind that care about how the girl looks and probably don’t care about her mind or what she actually thinks.

A big challenge for dating is finding the right people to match together. Smart men will most likely avoid going to the lowest common denominator aka bars along with smart women. My bigger question is where do available men and women meet that does not involve alcohol?

Relationships are about balance. The main reason why any relationship fails is because the balance between the two people change and they stop talking or communicating effectively between each other. People think relationships are easy because of movies or films. Girls are told threw cartoons that there is some prince out there to sweep you off your feet. People are not told how to communicate or keep peace between each other. Hollywood markets love like it’s a commodity you can buy off a shelf at your local store. Relationships are not easy to obtain or maintain because of various factors that happen throughout life. You may also ask yourself why does this guy know so much about relationships. I don’t want to end up like my parents in a divorced marriage. Will I ever be happy in a relationship? Who knows know because I have challenges ahead of me and people are judgmental. I experience a lot of judgmental people being a tall skinny white guy until I show off my talents at work or by being able to go miles mountain biking or swing dancing. Most people think I’m some tall geeky white guy that can only fix computers. I know more about cars than most guys I know that are not mechanics. People have no idea what I am capable of but trying to get people to drop their preconceived notions about me is like herding cats. Women have to give men a chance before you can make things happen and the guy actually has to like you to make things work.

[manday]

Read lower first.

[kheserthorpe]

Men can impregnate many women but generally only help support one.

Women can maybe receive support from a few men but can only get pregnant by one.

Our instincts reflect that distinction.

Men find the idea of sex with random, average looking, women appealing. They do not need any connection with the woman to do so. They can even hate her. It doesn't matter. Men also fall in love with women. They have higher standards for that woman. And their love requires feeling we wants them back to be sustained. Love was the mechanism by whichever would bond with one woman and help raise her (hopefully his) children. In the medium term of she's not having sex with him (and probably only him) his instincts would tell him to move on.

Women would strongly prefer to have a partner who is both a good genetic donor but also ready and willing to help out. They want to feel he is on love and that e has some ability to help out. Clearly women will have casual sex - and web like groupies are sleeping with men they'll never see again and the idea is appealing. Studies show women have higher standards for appearance etc in short term relationships. This female strategy involves giving up commitment to get better quality genetics.

[born2bwild]

women try look sincere, dedicated, innocent, loyal towards their lover and to the society although from inside they don't mean it whereas men try to look like "don't give a damn" "i don't fall in love"

"use my brain rather than my heart" " bad boy" but they are just showing off and they actually don't mean it. Atlast both guys and girls are looking for love and sex most of the time

[RedSmartie]

I think it's that for men you might not necessarily love the person you're having sex with, but women usually do. There's more of an attachment between love and sex for women than for men.

[caligirl3]

i can only speak for myself, to me love and sex are very different from one another

[Anonymous]

I love the insight to the answers in this thread. Good reason to stay on GAG.

[Anonymous]

Men can separate love and sex. Most women cannot.