I don't think he finds me attractive anymore.

[Anonymous]

Hi

My husband is really upsetting me. For a while now I have found sex quite unfulfilling, at first it was because there didn't seem to be any fore play he sort of just went straight there but only after I had done some foreplay on him.

Now though and it really upset me last night, Its all about him, I get nothing basically he gets a oral then sleep,

i have really made an effort in the last year or so, bought sexy underwear lost a stone in weight, thinking this make make him want to appreciate my body etc and give it some attention. a few times I have put this stuff on it doesn't make him any more excited then normal and I don't get anymore attention. A few weeks ago on holiday had a tan put on his favorite type of underwear shaved everything, yeah he got more excited did the deed not much foreplay no consideration for what I got out of it. afterwards I was too shocked to say anything. I thought right the next time he grabs my had and putts it on him, I am not going to do the work but wait for him to do some, I got sex but nothing from it, I thought afterwards surely he must think that was bad, he didn't get just what he wanted. Any way last night he initiated, and like he always does by grabbing my hand and placing it on his thing, well I thought no not having this, its about time you stopped just laying there whilst I give you all the pleasure. all he kept saying was come and lay with me, I get the impression he thinks that because I don't touch him I'm not interested, so he kept saying come play with me. In the end he got a oral. I feel

crap I honestly think he doesn't fancy me. I am slim and as other people have told me very attractive. I feel as we are married he obviously wants his satisfaction and I think he loves me but I don't think he fancies me. I shaved at the weekend , he knew, last night when I wasn't doing what he wanted he put his hand down there said oh that's smooth than laid back for his satisfaction. I want to ask him do you fancy me I know he will say yes whether he does or not just for a quiet life. But I feel like I am wilting into nothing-ness

[Deeplove55]

He's stop caring about the realtionship. For some reason, now it is all about him and he can care less what you get out of it. this is not love because if he loved you, he would always care about your needs and wants. You deserve better than this and you know it. y do you keep giving him oral and oin what he wants when he doesn't return the favor ever? what a jerk! Do This: if he doesn give you oral, you don't give it to him. its only fair that it stays 50/50 and not 75/25. he is showing you that he is not going to change and the reason why is because you are allowing it to happen. he knows you will please him without him having to please you the way you want. So he soesnt do anything for you and that's so selfish and inconsiderate and he doesn't deserve oral. put your foot down now and let him know how you feel and that yall are not having sex anymore until he is fair about pleasing you. he's gonna make you feel like your wrong and that he does and he will, give him, whatever. Its all a bunch of crap. And so what if he gets mad. let him b mad cause you been mad for too long. the sex was for him and not you and he knows it and will deny it so you will feel like its you. No. You know you gave him what he wants. now its time he does the same for u. yall are married. I'm teeling you, girl, don't give him anymore oral until he gives it to you. if he starts to trip and disrespect you, you need to leave. You don't want to ever be some mans pet, doin whatever he says because you love him but does he love you? its not about him at all. Its about yall and you need to let him know that you are not happy. he'll start to listen when you turn down the sex. y have sex with him just to make him happy? what good does that do for you? You got to think about yourself for once. Make that happen and care less how he feels cause remember he sisnt care one bit how you feel.

[selticbmp]

I think you need to sit him down and say, "Look here, why has it been all about you lately? I have shaved for you and bought sexy clothes and you just take what you want and go to sleep. I'm not dealing with it anymore, this is what you are going to do for me..." Then tell him what you want him to do and if he doesn't do it then he gets nothing from you. Or, you could just take him to the room, throw him on the bed, climb on top of him and talk dirty until he is so turned on that he can't stand it anymore and then take your sweet time teasing him and make it last a while and see what he does.

IT sounds like you two have gone into a point where he may be getting bored with the same routine sexually and you may need to spice it up. You have to make sure that you don't just jump to sex every time he wants you to as well. If he puts your hand on him, take it off, tell him he needs to find another way to turn you on because that just isn't working anymore.

[Shlei3]

Talk to him about it and tell him that you would really like it if he would put more effort. Don't ask him to answer if he fancies you or not. Just tell him straight out how you feel. There is also sex counseling that can help. I can understand how you feel undesireable.

[EasyEC]

Fundamentally the problem is that he does not seek your approval much, for anything. This has a consequential manifestation in the one-sidedness of your sexual relationship. This is similar to the problem of many guys thinking that if they just be nicer and nicer to a girl, for the sake of her liking them more. The opposite tends to happen.

To correct this problem, you'll have to deny him more. The difficulty, however, is in denying him based on personal preferences and value standards (as opposed to random spite).

To make yourself more sexually attractive to him--show him more "sex" in your dress and demeanor, be a woman he'd more want to have sex with. I see you have tried the first (good on you for making the effort). I'm suggesting you now do the second.

Yes he does care more about himself presently. You can change that.

Your approval of him (based on his actions) is a very important calibrator of your relationship power gradient. Every time you thank him, nod your head in agreement, and even look at him when he talks is a different form of approval you are giving him. If this is given too easily, or without reciprocating approval, the disparity results in a one-sided relationship. Because your approval of him is constantly validated, psychologically he receives little motivation to seek your approval (such as going down on you).

What I am suggesting is that your approval be a little more difficult (but not randomly contrived) to earn.

[EasyEC]

Typo in first paragraph--similar to the problem of many guys thinking that if they just be nicer and nicer to the girl, for the sake of her liking them more, that she will.

[Asker]

I agree didn't think of it like that. He will take me out occasionally and then thinks because he has done this then he can ie play as much golf as he wants(I have never stopped him anyway) he has made mild jokes about this ie earning brownie points, but acctually I would like him to take me out because he wants to spend time with me. I think he doent realise how much he totally takes me for granted

[Littletad]

You need to talk to him. Men aren't mind readers and you can't expect to give him the silent treatment, and "notice" when you put on lingerie and try harder to get his attention. I know, it's silly, but men can be that blind. Remember that marriages and all relationships have phases. Does him not not being more sensual mean he's loosing his love for you? Of course not. Perhaps his job is becoming too stressful, or perhaps he has lost his luster for other reasons. This isn't permanent, at least I think so.

But the best thing you can do for him is to talk to him. To reveal your struggled feelings of not being satisfied. You have every right to state your opinions and your concern. And best of all, he will listen to you. Stop keeping it inside and tell him. Good luck.

[Asker]

Hey the other night he knew what I was wearing and still didn't even bother a glance whilst I was undressing and that was after a meall out

[Littletad]

Yes, but your still not being vocal. I'm sorry, but some men can be that dense, not matter how many hints you lay out. Regardless of how many times you lay them out, your still avoiding actually talking about it.

[Asker]

But how do I approach the subject I don't want to be unkind or get his defences up so that we just argue

[Littletad]

Why would he be defensive about it? It's your feelings. Just ask him why there has been a lack of enthusiasm from his part. While I agree a lot with Shle, there really is no other way to avoid asking him why he isn't more sexually interested. He's your husband, not your boyfriend, so I imagined you'd be more comfortable talking to him about anything. Build up the courage and do so.

[Anonymous]

Tell him how you feel. You deserve to get treated with more consideration like that. It seems as if you keep trying but he is not making any effort. He needs to be reminded how to treat you. Let him know that he needs to stop being selfish, it's supposed to be 50/50. Don't just sit there quietly because you don't want to have an arguement, a closed mouth doesn't get fed, if you have a problem address it