It's better to be hurt than live a life of fear

[Insightfull]

Stop hiding under your desks!

I read a lot of posts from men and women who are afraid of each other. It seems there's a wall building between men and women, and that makes me sad.

I get that some men are horrible to women, and some women are horrible to men, but that doesn't mean we should hide. If we close off we miss out on the best things in life. I never will. You shouldn't either.

Why does this climate of fear exist?

Overstatement of risk.

People getting hurt.

Literature and groups that promote a climate of fear (eg. MGTOW, Feminism).

Focus on the bad and ignore the good.

[LEETSBEREAL]

Yh its getting out of hand I believe feminist and MGTOW has a huge part to play in this and the divide is getting deeper rather then talk to one another people are going to thier employer and filing sexual harassment claims/bullying when it could of been resolved with a simple conversation and I don't only mean women complaining about men I have seen it happen the other way around we all need to communicate with one another some how that's got lost. I know how to look after myself and I am well known in my area for having altercations with guys coz where I live they don't take no for an answer. You don't give them your number 'your playing hard to get' so thier mentality is to get rough coz I am playing hard to get right - apparently I don't get the right to exercise my right to say no. Its getting frustrating coz it's constantly taken to this physical level where I am. I can look after myself well I have to be able to I have a big mouth to and little patience. What about the females who can't manage 'rough' they will have fear of men if this is how we are going to be treated. I know it's a 'proportion of men' and not every man so I can treat everyone who comes into my life as 'new' but those women/possibly men for other reasons who have been beaten, felt forced to give their number/money etc will not go into the world with that perception so unfortunately this divide will only get worse then it is as life goes on. People's individual behavior is impacting the bigger picture for a lot of individuals and it's scary it really is the direction we are all heading. Good My Take

[Insightfull]

It's horrible that you've been treated like that.. you shouldn't have to "manage rough" because men shouldn't be rough with you.

There should be a need to file sexual harassment or bullying claims, because they shouldn't be sexually harassing or bullying.

You saying no should be respected.

It's unfortunate that trash men like that exist.

And yeah, it's not just men that are like that. Some women are vicious and cruel. Men and women abuse differently, but neither is ok.

It sucks that it happens and then it affects perceptions of the other sex in general. People get hurt and then run to MGTOW/Feminism to be safe, and stew in the hate and vitriol of those groups, and that further affects their perceptions of the opposite sex. That further exacerbates the divide.

I say that good experiences heal emotional damage. The right answer is to have good experiences with people of the opposite sex so that it's not all bad. I believe that most people are probably good. Most women are good, and treat me well. Sure, some don't, but that doesn't mean that women are not to be trusted.

[LEETSBEREAL]

Your absolutely right we shouldn't be treated like this. It happens so often it's just apart of me now.

a lot of the females have like you said joined these movements out of fear to feel safe. It won't keep them safe but it's a vent an outlet which is healing in its self ok but in this case its poisonous coz the solution isn't hate and that's what these movements make you do. For me these movements are utter poison I've seen some of the posts and its soul destroying. Have to stand alone on that one.

The thing is we psychologically remember the bad over the good so it won't always be the case good experiences heal bad ones. People tend to make excuses for the good experiences in order to dismiss it and accept the bad this is why the majority of us need therapy.

I agree take everyone on thier merit and base acceptance on how they treat you not how others have treated you.

[Insightfull]

@LEETSBEREAL Everyone can benefit from therapy, and it's beneficial to read about.

Part of CBT is recognizing these "cognitive distortions," one of which is "filtering" (discounting positive, focusing on negative).
Like we're talking about. ("we psychologically remember the bad over the good" "People tend to make excuses for the good experiences in order to dismiss it and accept the bad")

"Negative Filtering":
cogbtherapy.com/.../common-cognitive-distortions-negative-filtering

10 Proven Methods for Fixing Cognitive Distortions: (legit site)
psychcentral.com/lib/fixing-cognitive-distortions/

[Insightfull]

@LEETSBEREAL
What I meant by "good experiences heal" is that having good experiences makes it so that there's not only bad experiences. Yeah, it's necessary to have more good than there was bad, but a consistent lot of good experiences really changes one's perspective. I can use myself as an example. Though I have been bullied by angry women online in the past, and that affected my perceptions of women in general, the vast majority of my experiences with women are good. I can analyze the reality of my relationships (which have been good experiences), and note that the vast majority of the women I meet and talk to are good. Even when I do meet the odd "bad" woman it doesn't even bother me. I have so many good experiences to draw on that it's clear to me that, from my perspective, most women are good

[Insightfull]

@LEETSBEREAL
You're right, a lot of women (and men) have joined these movements out of fear to feel safe and to vent. Sure, that is healing in its self, but it is also stewing in the hurt and that is poison..

"I've seen some of the posts and its soul destroying."
Yea.. me too. and it is. It makes my heart bleed to hear of the pain that a woman has gone through, and there's so much of it..

"Have to stand alone on that one."
No. You're not alone. You don't have to stand alone. I'm here.
Stand with men who love women.
Like I stand with women who love men.
That's where the healing be.

[Insightfull]

"take everyone on thier merit and base acceptance on how they treat you not how others have treated you." 👍

[LEETSBEREAL]

@Insightfull Thank you for your kind reply in not standing alone I appreciate it. Unfortunately I am not even talking about what women have been throw although there are horrific stories of what they have had to endure so I can see how hate can and does manifest within an individual. Some women who fall pregnant with boys because of what they have been through view the fetus as trash and want to terminate on the basis of the child's gender and the way they talk about it. I had to stop reading it was just hatefulness against men and it's gone to far. Get therapy and get better don't terminate baby after baby coz of gender. The first one if it's a product of rape something sereve like this. I can get that. But after this why are you getting pregnant? If your headset on a girl adopt. End of story. How are we allowing women like this to exist and integrate into society? No. I am glad your experiences of good has outweighed the bad for you to come to the conclusion you have.

[kangy]

we all have insecurities it does not matter how good looking one is, even supermodel have their insecurities. even if one is rich, has good character or good look they may not get everything they want including emperor.

That just how life is. But people have to constantly work on their fears/insecurities. As human we all have ego big or small, that plays a part too. Nobody like to be rejected in the face so of course fear plays a part in it.

It is normal to have fear but it is also necessary for people to break out of their comfort zone, and overcome the word-fear

[Insightfull]

Yea. You're right. It is necessary to push ourselves beyond our comfort zones to overcome fears and insecurities. I find that having the thing not turn out like I feared or was insecure about (like approaching a woman) really helps me overcome that.

[kangy]

thank you for the mho

[Anonymous]

This is a good mytake and I agree with the concern.

But in my opinion it does not adequately address the true underlying cause, which is the victim mindset and the sense of entitlement that are driving movements like feminism and MGTOW today. That is what we should focus on, and what we need to address. We need to recognize and openly acknowledge these movements for what they really are.

It's also important to recognize that MGTOW is a symptom of and a reaction to feminism, there is no doubt MGTOW will disappear as soon as feminism does.

The fear and misunderstanding addressed in this mytake, and indeed MGTOW itself, are just symptoms of the bigger problem. We need to stop focusing on the symptoms of the illness and start addressing the illness itself, the true cause. Until we do that, the fear and division will only continue to worsen.

[OlderAndWiser]

Your generation and younger have become slaves to their phones, they text to ask for a date, they text to break up, they refuse to admit that they actually have a interest in each other so they say they are "hanging out" instead of dating, they don't use their phone for voice-to-voice communications, when they are with friends they spend their time texting someone else instead of talking to their friend, and they otherwise find every excuse in the world to avoid interacting with each other, so guess why they have no interpersonal skills!

[aWes0MeNeSs]

100% agree! I was just talking with someone about this the other day and how I constantly hear so many people my age saying they struggle with social anxiety, yet they never interact with anyone in person and always hide behind a screen. I think the root of the social anxiety is very obvious.

[Warmapplecrumble]

It's because they have created so many groups and no one fits in these groups. We all feel useless.. we all get bullied etc. No one is happy.

[OlderAndWiser]

@Warmapplecrumble Everyone is so anxious to see themselves as an individual so they overlook how similar they are to others. "Never forget that you are absolutely unique. . . just like everyone else!" -- Margaret Mead

[Warmapplecrumble]

I agree

[opnbuk59]

The main reason is people are not properly prepared taught to handle and deal with emotional situation in this country kids are sheltered to much from the real world they will love in as adults in not saying kids should be exposed to all the world's beauty and ugliness but more needs to be done to better teach them to deal with emotional ups and downs, parents seem afraid to be up front and honest instead sugar coat things, even that child grows and enters the world they are not ready for the reality the harshness of it not ready to deal with a serious relationship, so much is placed in hiding the truth from kids and parents wonder why kids once away at college develope animosity and resentment towards their parents, can't be too over protective with kids they are tougher than you realize and will one day have to face reality your job as parents are too pepper them for surviving in the real world as mature adults not be their best friends or hide the realities from them that's where this wall you speak of forms it's foundation

[notatrap]

Yeah it is definitely a two-way street. We have made racist remarks looked down upon, and sexist remarks are also looked down upon... but without noticing, men and women are coping by huddling together.

The fear stems from both men and women getting 'taken advantage' of for sex and money. Unfortunately, most can't look past the fact that they put themselves in most of those situations in the first place.

Society is in good standing for friendships with both sides, without these fears. The middle ground is commonality. That can be a hobby, liking, food, topics of conversation, sense of humor, similar work, books, music, art, exercise, and it goes on and on.

An open heart and mind is the answer. Next time you run into your opposing gender, give them a chance as a friend. And be clear you just want to be friends. If you want a bf/gf, don't say this, obviously. And if they cross over the line, be strong enough to walk away. There's no need to lie and say you have a boyfriend or girlfriend if a guy asks for your number, not all guys are players

[winterfox10]

I have always lived my life with the belief that it's better to take the risk, even if the risk doesn't pay off. My experience has taught me that there are people who will leave indelible marks (both good and bad) on our souls, and that our failure to take risks on those people is a reflection of our own lack of desire to grow as people. I recently had 2 encounters (1 good, 1 bad) that will change me for the rest of my life.

The first was bad. It came in the form of a prescription drug addicted woman who had slandered my name (I'm assuming out of fear) because I was encouraging her to find treatment and go to rehab to cleanse herself of the (very officially doctor-prescribed) drug withdraws she was experiencing. The poor thing left me to go attend a gradschool that she failed out of after a semester. She wanted to remain friends, but tried to tell me that I misinterpreted her, and that there was never anything between us. I ended things.

The second happened today, actually. I met my oldest childhood friend for the first time in over 2 years; we got lunch. Earlier in our lives, I had been very insistent that he pursue a college education. It was one of those things that I didn't really care what he did, but I wanted him to do something. I had the immense pleasure of attending his graduation ceremony. He's the first college graduate in his family, it was a beautiful thing to see. Well after graduation, his life had almost gone off the tracks again, and we sort of lost touch. Today I found out that he has been formally promoted to management in the office (of a few hundred desk jockeys) he works at. The woman he met in a nightclub is about to be his wife, and they are raising 3 kids together (2 of which are his). The guy is stacking money hand-over-fist, and I couldn't be happier.

[AmandaYVR]

Yep, it's a big problem. A pandemic, even, maybe.

Causes? Oooh, that could be a long answer. And my coffee has long since dissipated. Maybe I'll just keep it short and sweet and say it's mental and emotional laziness. Also, a lack of inner confidence with fragile ego and sense of self. Anger is easier, and more accessible. Blaming others, generalizing, scapegoating. Everyone's been hurt. But that doesn't justify blaming future partners, or avoiding even trying, because of an anticipation of being hurt. Wipe the slate clean, as much as possible, and give the benefit of the doubt to the next or current person. Wouldn't you want the same?
Treat people with kindness, and they will often return the favour. And if they don't, you can hang your head high, and sleep well at night, knowing that you did what you could. I refuse to spread hate and antagonism into the world. If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem.

How's that?

[Insightfull]

Yeah that's pretty good. lol.. needs more coffee hahah :P

I don't know if it's psychological/emotional laziness per se.. it can be difficult to overcome being hurt. Also, there's a lot of programming in society that causes men and women to be afraid of each other that I think plays a huge part.

Perhaps it requires a monumental amount of effort at first, but gets easier over time as things go well (not as feared).

You're right though: being hurt doesn't justify blaming others who did not hurt you. Anger is more accessible but doesn't fix anything.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Good take. It's easier for some people to try to spread hate so they have other people agree that it's someone else's fault and not their own. Easier to blame a whole gender than face your own shortcomings.
And yes, even when you are a good person, you can still get shit on by bad people. But "people". That means "men" and "women".

[Insightfull]

@Brainsbeforebeauty Agreed

There are bad people that will shit on others, both men and women.. If anything, us good people are more likely to get shit on by bad people.

It's easier to blame than to look at one's own faults for sure. But also, sometimes people get hurt and overgeneralize and well.. it takes healing.. I've been hurt and I've healed and grown more resilient. and that's great. I keep that in mind when I talk to women who say things like all men are shit lol. I try to help them. Clearly not all men are shit because I'm not, and I'm caring and helping :)

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

No you're not shit. You're a good person, so you're a good man 😊

[Insightfull]

@Brainsbeforebeauty awe thanks! 🥰🥰🥰

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Welcome 🤗

[Insightfull]

@Brainsbeforebeauty 🤗

[Dav1ss]

Well personally I've had some bad experiences and I've done my best to not keep to it and it's going OK now but it's because love is one of the only things that you can't always win like everything else else is possible if you try hard enough but with love that's not true because they love you or they don't and because of this people are scared because they know even if they do everything right they might not win

[Dchrls78104]

Well said.

[Insightfull]

Yea! well said!

I find that failing at love hurts less each time, so it becomes more and more worth it to try because the pain of it not working out is less.

:)

[Screenwriter]

Real feminism is NOT about man hating. And yes, if you're alive the only way to be is open to new experiences and people. You can be hurt by lots of people: friends, parents, co workers, bosses. You have to concentrate on positive aspects of your relationships, if that's possible. If it isn't, get help to get over it and get help to move on. If you survive, that's half the battle... Getting positive is the other half. Getting happy is the icing on the cake.

[Insightfull]

@Screenwriter I like that to you feminism is not about man hating. That speaks to your character :)

Unfortunately, a lot of the literature these days is about the ways that men hurt women, and there's not a lot of feminism literature about loving men.

That's not to say that men don't hurt women or that is not a valid topic, it is and they do. Maybe just that there should be articles about love as well.

For example, I just googled "feminism love men" and the vast majority of the results were how feminism pushes men away. I found one result:
www.audible.com/.../liz-plank-feminism-for-the-love-of-men
She appears to love men and that's great and I applaud that, but it's still about telling men how to be, and I bet that:
"For the Love of Men: A New Vision for Mindful Masculinity."
Is full of talking about consent, and how to not beat your wife, etc, (topics I find insulting).
and how to be not masculine (what feminism wants)

Still, I read a bit more of the interview, until I got to this:
"I wanted to create a guide, actually, so that women don't have to do that emotional labor in their relationships with men, because oftentimes they end up doing it."

Oh jeez, it's one of THOSE women, who view caring about men as "emotional labour"...

Yeah. No.

It appeared to be close to loving men, but is still very very far from loving men 😥

[Insightfull]

It would be great to see feminism producing articles telling Women how to be, rather than men, and how to love men

[Insightfull]

I've never seen a feminism article teaching women how to be loving towards men.

It seems like that would be a huge part of the solution. It would make feminism relevant to women who love men, and it would help to balance the negative focus. It would also draw men in instead of pushing us away.

[Screenwriter]

@Insightfull Unfortunately because of MeToo, there's this current wave of anger, backlash... It's the same about hating whitey if you're a person of color. The only way women have gained ANY modern rights is through cooperation with men, just as the only way black and other people of color have gained rights is through cooperation with the folks at the head of the table... white men. It's foolish to denigrate those who've helped. There are a minority of men who cause most of the trouble. What is truly sad is that some women seem to think snuffing out masculinity, the only reason most women LIKE men to begin with, will solve women's problems with men!!! My father was a very traditionally masculine man and my mother a traditionally feminine woman. But back in the 50s when my brother and I were born... he changed diapers. And our entire teenage years he BRAGGED about this fact. So did my mom. Mom worked her entire adult life as a teacher, and her regular sphere was the home. Dad's was the car and the yard... But after women's liberation passed through, dad starting cooking more, washing the clothes. Mom started mowing the lawn. These were minor subtle changes.. But dad was from farming and fishing people who grew their food in kitchen gardens and his mom raised him to mop the floor and cook as he and his sister grew up in the 30s and 40s. Dad had always mopped our floors and grew some tomato plants... But those roles blurred by the time the 70s rolled along. That didn't change the PEOPLE my parents were. Mom was pretty femmy. Dad was pretty butch. But they meshed well. They both took care of us and the home. However men and women decide to live is the way it works for them. But never try to make a man a woman or a woman a man. like painting a house, planting a veg garden, changing my oil, checking the tires, power washing the sidewalks and siding, duck hunting and fishing... I also know how to cook well and like a clean home and clothes... We are all blends.

[Screenwriter]

@Insightfull We all have qualities that are sterotypically feminine and masculine. However, men are men. Women who are not attracted to masculine men might want lesbian partners in their lives, just as men who are not attracted to feminine women might want gay men in their lives. I believe everyone is along a masculine feminine spectrum. That's true. But, as I grew up with masculine dad who did some typically feminine things: cooking at home, mopping the floor, washing the clothes, fixing the car and the outside of the house, I value those skills in a man: husbandry... I've also taken up those skills: I

[Screenwriter]

@Insightfull Cook, clean, hunt and fish, change my oil, check my tires, clean and wash my own car. My parents BOTH went out on Saturdays and shopped together, they balanced the checking account together and planned their saving and retirement to be early... All things can be done with people who cooperate, maybe decide who's going to do what according to their skills and likes...

[Brindale]

I don't think there's a wall building between men and women at all, just the lack of willingness to adapt to a changing society.

I've never had a problem with any of my female friends, but to be fair, apparently I showed so little apparent interest that they thought I was gay, and then asexual until I said I like women at which point they started tease-flirting.

It's probably less to do with "oh no I better watch what I say" and more to do with people realizing how much of their interactions with others are affected by sexual interest/flirtatious speech/etc, and they're wondering what's considered inappropriate, and in some cases "what can I get away with"

[LovingZombi]

To never experience rejection is to never experience love. we need to live life to find those who won't hurt us. Getting out there is how you get out there. people dont come to you. I get why people live in fear but life is to experience what the world has to offer... I've been hurt so many times but i found others who appreciate me just for me.

another example would be the coronavirus thats spreading-- some may not want to travel--
but the common flu kills more people. the media focuses on the bad instead of all the cases where this isn't the worst thing out there to kill anyone.

[Chthou95]

I disagree about the rejection and love part. An amimal can show you unconditional love & will never judge you. To say that never experiencing love thus never experience love is asinine

[Chthou95]

Animal*

[Chthou95]

*experience rejection*

[midnightmoon05]

agree... those who have been hurt, took the risk to make a difference and learn to grow from it.

[Insightfull]

And it's worth the risk. Doesn't always go the way we would want, and sure some times it hurts but it passes and the good is soooooooo worth it

[midnightmoon05]

It's worth taking the risk. Some pain that cuts really really deep never goes away.
happy for you :)

[Insightfull]

@midnightmoon05 good experiences heal emotional damage.
Sometimes if it's really deep it's necessary to pick the scars and face the pain to truly heal.
:)

[devilish-cutie]

sure too much fear is not good but ifear itself it not always bad, its there for a reason in most cases, its a survival instinct
yeah you may be afraid to get hurt, which you should be, as emotional pain is nothing less then physical and can give you trauma, a life long issues
that doesn't mean you shouldn't do anything, you should, but being careful is also being smart and taking care of ysf, so its not as simple as you say

[SarahsSummer]

It’s better to face your fears and in doing so, eliminate them.

[Insightfull]

@SarahsSummer Yeeeaaaa!!!

[Anonymous]

''If we close off we miss out on the best things in life.''

There is a world full of other things to do, other than wasting it dating. Women aren't the be all, and end all of life. So I agree, it's better to be hurt than live a life full of fear, but not wasting time dating is not going to prevent that.

[MackToday]

The real problem is the cloud of poison we live under in our society that causes the kinds of attitudes that make it hard to function normally in life. I keep wanting to start over with a white ethnic state, a new society that will condemn degeneracy and consist of people opposed to it.

[LEETSBEREAL]

'White ethnic state' you'll have to do better explaining then that if you're not looking to sound like you're part of the problem. As it stands that sounds fucking racist dude. Call it how I see it

[MackToday]

@LEETSBEREAL I say white ethnic state because I'm white, that's just an accident of nature. If I were born some other race I would have said black ethnic state, or Asian ethnic state and so on. Each race deserves it's own homeland that is our birth right as human beings. We evolved in tribes , separate from each other, living and working with our own people the way nature made us. We evolved to pay off each other, to work hand in hand naturally anticipating the others thoughts and attitudes. That's a survival mechanism. Why on earth would any human being want to throw that away?

[LEETSBEREAL]

This is a very ancient way of thinking and just causes segregation your actively pulling away from what is now a multicultural nation back in the day when the world had only one race within a certain place of living this would be the opposite coz your bringing your people together absolutely and I agree with you coz I can now see where your coming from with pulling your own people together. However we are no longer living like this your neighbor is more likely not to be the same race as you are so this now becomes a way of segregation/isolation. Your accepting your own race and to hell with everyone else this will only ever add to the problem. I think historically this would be the case where everyone flocks to thier own race for safety but now with interracial relationships and friendships - even family members will find it hard to make that diffinitive choice because they are made up of more then one race and when your forced to choose what does it become? Segregation coz your forced to choose one over the other. Rarher then not being forced to chose at all that is what inclusion is. And your way of thinking does not promote that in the world we are in today.

[MackToday]

@LEETSBEREAL The world we live in today is the result of a perverted experiment by financial elites to make money. They want a universal genocide of all races. The erasure of any evolutionary advantage doesn't trouble them in the least. This degenerate "culture" must and will come to an end. Not all of us are mixed , and those who are not must come together and work together to free ourselves from this insanity. We can still live as nature intended , the will is there and if we work together we can have racial states. The rest can have their civic nationalist world as well , it's a big planet.

[LEETSBEREAL]

Ok and how is that working out for you? Let me know when you've been successful with it. In the mean time we'll have to agree to disagree

[MackToday]

@LEETSBEREAL I'm not sure how it's working out but I'm training to operate the kind of gear it will take to find and colonize a remote aria to start an ethnic state. If I'm the only one then so be it, at least I'll stay out of the gulags and the war to come. If it get's bad enough then maybe some people will listen and I'll have broken a trail for them. I've done a lot of reading and a lot of research. I don't really have a choice, it's that or stay here and die in some Marxist shit hole.

[captain_voidwalker]

The bridge between men and women was burned down by feminism. And after a few times trying to rebuild it women kept burning it down. This gave rise to mgtow because honestly ladies you spent decades burning down the bridge and us men are frankly tired of trying to rebuild it. If you want that bridge back ladies it's you that are going to have to rebuild it. But honestly I dont think you ladies are willing to put in the effort.

[RickPen]

People choose the less intense, chronic pain of fear instead of the more adventurous one. It is often due to experiences. The hope of "someday" is safer, perceived to hurt less (but longer).

[Dazed0N0Confused]

Yes, take risks, get your heart broken, break a few bones doing something exciting, explore what the world has to offer! You live your life in fear you're not really living, now are you?

[shymissmuffins]

Fear is there for a reason. We won't have a life to live, if we are fool enough to ruin it.

[Joe_Barbaro]

I personally have a "wall" up because I function a little differently, and I'm generally not made for any type of intimacy. But I fully support people getting together, and I'm always looking for ways to help if I can.

[incelposting]

Females hold unprecedented levels of power over men, with the ability to ruin their lives from only an accusation. Men are taking sensible precautions by not closely associating with them.

[October808]

F. E. A. R.

False evience appearing real.

Or

First Encounter Assault Recon. Don't go looking for Alma.