I just woke up. I had a bad dream. A realistic one. I have so many thoughts racing through my head right now, all jumbled and chaotic like a tornado. I was thinking about why I was unhappy with myself. Why I despise everything about the way I look. It stems back from never being accepted by others, and I've known that for a long time now. But it also has had side effects in other aspects about myself, as well. Including how I act and behave.
The long story short is, as a kid and teenager, I used to be tall, handsome, and popular. But then I never grew and finished puberty due to having something called Precocious Puberty. It stunted my growth. Which is why I'm only 180 cm (181 waking up in the morning before spinal compression kicks in) and fucking DESPISE it in words hard to describe. Normies don't get, but basically, I'm short and seen as physically weak and pathetic, but "short enough to complain about it" according to others. The word is mediocre. I ended up as a physically mediocre male.
And because I know I need to explain this, there is LITERALLY nothing positive about mediocrity. Or a word normies use, "average." Average just makes you a fucking failure and objectively useless and replaceable in society, but not uncomfortable enough to be bothered by this. Something useless people could never understand. You are not "special" for being common, easily replaceable, and useless. That is what mediocrity and "averageness" is, and I've despised it, my entire life. I've always been ambitious and literally wanted to change the world. And well... Mediocre, useless people by definition, don't do that.
Now I know 100% I am not mediocre and useless. However, that's all people (mediocre, useless people) have seen me as, especially women. Not only am I physically weak ("short" to me, mediocre to mediocres out there), but I also don't have any physical benefits elsewhere, either. My standards are higher than mediocrity, so for me, being at a 50th percentile is a hard F. Complete and utter failure.
This is the best way to explain my vocabulary. To normies, it's why 180/181 cm is short to me, and why a 5 out of 10 in looks is an ugly fuck, in my eyes. (I've consistently been called a "6" or "6.5" out of 10 in looks by women, so yeah, I consider that ugly.) My entire being could be called mediocre by normies. My small dick is only 6.5" fully erect. I consider that a baby dick, and two other women in my life have, as well. But to mediocres, it's "average." Like, who the FUCK wants an average fuck?! I think my weight is the only thing a mediocre-minded simpleton wouldn't describe as "average." However, all of these, are utter failures, to me. And I feel it's reflected in how people have always treated me.
Every time I work my ass off, put in 110%, come on earlier than everyone by an hour, stay later by half an hour after everyone has left (which I still do, to this day), and everything else... Nothing changes with how I'm perceived by the mediocres. The fact is, I work hard enough and put in 110% effort enough to DESERVE being a six-foot-fiver, or an 8 out of 10 in looks, or an 8-incher downstairs. I do work hard enough for it. Yet I'm never given that reciprocated treatment. And I mean, I get it. If I look as short, ugly, and lazy as the rest of the "average slobs," why would anyone ever treat me different? They just all assume I'm just like them. I can work 50 times harder than I do now and it'll always go unnoticed. I've constantly seen taller, more attractive co-workers, male or female, get further in life on less, while putting in no effort, simply based on being tall and attractive.
Make no mistake, I WISH we lived in a meritocracy. I really couldn't care less about things like race, or sexuality (unless I were dating you), and I strongly believe in treating people that way. My one rule towards others is "don't be an asshole." That's the bare minimum I would like others to be. However, I know the world we live in. People are stupid, shallow, judgmental, racist, and discriminatory everyday. They're AVERAGE. 99% of the time, I don't let other people's stupid decisions and behavior effect me. And when it comes to work, I usually don't. But when it comes to how I feel about myself... Not so much. I know from myself that mediocrity is not good enough to make impactful change, and nothing in society ever changes from mediocrity, like it rightfully should.
If I was dumb as a rock, then mediocrity would be fine for me. But I'm not. I've always been hard-working and ambitious. Which is why there is such a disconnect from who I am, how I look, and how the world treats me. That's really the simple way to put it. I work hard enough to DESERVE being that 6'5" guy (if not 6'11"; I only say 6'5" to not come off greedy). And while looks may be more complicated, I certainly don't deserve to be a fucking 6!
I put in the effort, even in the bedroom, to DESERVE being an 8-incher. I've never once been told I'm horrible in bed (the instances we moved forward with actual penetration and not 'settling' for oral), but the fact I've only been told twice in my life that I'm "fucking amazing" is failure enough. To dedicate over an hour to SOLELY pleasing her, and nothing more, just to have been told I'm only "good" is soul crushing. Like legit, I almost felt like crying. I didn't though; I just didn't say another word, got dressed, and left. (I'd later curse and shout in an alleyway far enough from earshot.) That's like, what a 6 out of 10 performance equates to: Failure. And I knew these women wanted a bigger size than me, as well. I may not have been big enough for them, but dammit, I fucking tried fucking! That's what I mean. The effort was there, but the tools were lacking.
I don't know any way to say these things without it coming off a little narcissistic and entitled to some out there. I'm definitely not narcissistic or entitled. I know the effort I put into things. I'm very self aware. If it's something I don't care about, I only put in 80 to 90% effort. But if it's something I truly care about, I give it my fucking ALL! But as I've just been talking about, that's usually not good enough. You can have the best carpenter in the world, but if you don't give him the proper tools, the job will never get done right. That feels like the story of my fucking life. 99.9% of the time, I don't complain about it. But after that dream, reminding me of my past failures with women, all but two of them wanting and wishing I was taller and more well-endowed, I feel like complaining right now. I'm just SO sick of it!
Even if women disagree, I don't feel like I deserve to be alone because I'm too fucking short for them! I know I'm truly decent partner material. I don't even care about the non having sex thing and only having to rely on giving them oral, to be honest. But alas, I've given up on expecting anything more from people. I can't control others, so it's best to work on myself and not waste energy in life on something that is inevitable and unchangeable. Although I've certainly wasted my whole twenties trying to chase women. I came close to marrying a tall one before she passed away. That was my one shot. My one option. I'm unsure if the marriage would've lasted, anyway. I'm lacking in the ego all heterosexual women apparently want in men.
Which brings me back to my main point. If I'm physically not good enough in society, only being mediocre garbage in their eyes, and my hard work and effort goes completely unnoticed or ignored because of it, how the fuck would I even be so arrogant to begin with?
...I think I understand it. People want others to think they're better than they really are, right? It's why average nobodies think they deserve this and that for no reason, while putting in no work to warrant it. Like guys who think they deserve a girlfriend but make no efforts towards their physical appearance and social skills. Is this how mediocres don't fail every single thing they do? That old line of "failing upwards?" Should I just have been not giving a shit and not trying in life this whole time? Or is hard work only for the people who "look the part?" I swear, I don't get it. It frustrates me that as smart as I am, I don't get this.
I know we don't live in a meritocracy, but what DO we live in, in modern society? Why are the tall, attractive, and rich given everything, and the short, ugly, and poor just supposed to "accept their role in life and never try to move beyond it?" Other than show business, it's rare for people to break beyond their "roles" society gives them. I was given the role of "worker drone" when I'm anything but that. I'm not another disposable cog in the machine that isn't even needed because it's a redundant piece in it.
I just wish that I was "complete." Whole. I shouldn't be seen as another useless fucking nobody by the fellow ambition-less, low IQ sheep in society. I shouldn't be denied promotions and better careers because I "don't look like" a hard worker when the progress and results SHOULD speak for themselves. I shouldn't be turned down simply because "I'm not marketable." I shouldn't be rejected by women because I'm not tall enough and also not big enough downstairs to get the job done, in their eyes.
But that's the world we live in. It's ludicrously fucking unfair! I mean, many people know that. But I'm just so fucking sick of it. Not getting what I deserve and being unhappy in life because I was born too inferior to deserve it in this fucked-up ass society we live in. Hard work and success SHOULD be all that matters in society, but it's so clearly not. So I gotta fucking live with being single, alone, and underpaid because I'm not what others deem "worthy" of such jobs or partners.
Again, I know this is just a long rant. But it's really hard to stay positive or loving in a world like THIS. It's like, nothing matters but what you were born as and to who. How often does hard work and continuous results actually pay off in this society? Almost never. Maybe if I'd have been born tall, handsome, and well-endowed, I'd have finally been given some modicum of happiness and accomplishment. But I wasn't. People everyday mistake me for another lazy useless slob, like they may very well be. I've gotten used to it, but I'll never be satisfied with it.