The Overemphasis on Romantic Relationships in Our Society

[Zandra]

When I was in seventh grade I thought I was crazy. All of my peers were relationship crazed; the girls never came to school without looking their best, piling on makeup that they did not yet know how to apply properly, and the boys smiling and high fiving each other when a girl accepted one of their advances. I was never a part of the boy crazed circle of girls, more interested in reading books and succeeding academically than pursuing a romantic relationship. I also believed that a relationship between twelve year old's who rarely, if ever, saw each other outside of school could hardly be considered a real relationship. But nevertheless I often felt out of place, somehow different than the rest of my peers who clearly had very different interests than I did.

As I grew older I started to become very insecure, convinced that I was unattractive and undesirable based on the fact that I had never been involved in a romantic relationship. Eventually my self esteem became dangerously low, my opinion of myself being determined on how the opposite sex valued me rather than how I valued myself.

This is a far too common occurence in many people, no matter their age. Romantic relationships have transformed from added benefits to absolute necessities. It is considered abnormal to go a very long period of time without engaging in a romantic relationship. As a result of this we go to great lengths to pursue relationships. We base our choices in apparel and general appearance on what will be seen as attractive by the opposite sex rather than what we feel comfortable with ourselves. Girls often wear excessive amounts of makeup while guys put in extra hours at the gym not just for the sake of being healthy but sexually attractive as well. We measure our self worth on what potential romantic interests think of us, and as a result our self esteem ends up in shreds.

So what is the most logical solution to this? In my mind it is as simple as putting less emphasis on the importance of romantic relationships. Finding a significant other to accept us should be far less important than engaging in activities that wil bring us happiness and therefore help us to accept ourselves. After all, the only relationship you have that is guaranteed to last forever is the relationship that you have with yourself. It should be far more important to work on this relationship than to constantly be pursuing others.

We need to stop making decisions about ourselves based on how others will percieve us, and instead make them based on what will make us feel good about ourselves. Who cares if guys are more attracted to red lipstick, or if girls are more attracted to rock hard abs? We should only be making decisions on our appearance based on what WE want. Otherwise we are reinforcing the fact that our self worth is defined purely by our level of romantic interest or sex appeal. And we are so, so much more than that.

We need to find ways to be happy regardless our relationship status. We should pursue new interests and do all that we can to become successful. Relying solely on relationships to bring us confidence and happiness will never, ever be healthy. We need to make a habit of defining our own self worth, not allowing others to do it for us.

You do not NEED a relationship. It is perfectly possible to be happy in life without one. Maybe you find happiness through reading books, writing stories, playing a sport, striving for success, or traveling the world. You can be just as content engaging in these activities as you can be while involved in a relationship. Not to mention these activities are completely within your control, and therefore the happiness they produce is far more concrete.

Not much is going to change until society as a whole realizes that relationships are not the be all, end all of our existence. But I believe that any change starts with just a few. If we make the decision to stop putting so much pressure on others as well as ourselves to always be pursuing a romantic relationship, we will begin to enforce the fact that relationships are NOT necessities, and that we are defined by much more than our relationship statuses. We will be on our way to a world where the media values intelligence and self respect far above sex appeal. This would improve our society and each of our lives in countless ways.

It all starts with us!

[SweetAmara]

Yes and no.

A great deal of the pressure people feel when it comes to relationships is completely their own. After all we are society. People put themselves on such a tight timeline in an attempt to knock items of their bucklists, so to speak. Date someone, go to university, get a good-paying job, get married, buy first home, have child etc. etc. A lot of that pressure comes from their own expectations and desires for the future. Few people are appreciating the now.

On the other hand, I never dated in middle or high school, and have only dated two people in the last three years (very briefly too.) But I have friends that are never single and haven't been since they were probably about fourteen maybe. They've spent their whole lives dependent on someone being there, partly that's a result of being severely lonely, and wanting someone to fill that void. I've been a lonely kind of person my entire life, I don't make friends easily, but I didn't want to enter into a relationship because I felt like I HAD to have it. Do I feel pressure? Yes, from time to time, but that's me doing that because I'm a planner by nature.

People are also correct in saying that we do live in a disposable time. If something is broken, we don't fix it, we just go and get another one. We've actually become more self-absorbed than anything. We have all this social media at our beck and call, asking how we're feeling, what we're doing etc. We invest so much time into trying to look like the best version of ourselves. I know plenty of people who don't want a relationship because they just don't want to have to think about another person. Which is kind of sad.

Education is important. Finding out who you are is just as important. Self discovery to an extent should occur before you try to enter into a relationship, but there's nothing wrong with taking your time. We just need to learn not to be so hard on ourselves and each other.

[chuppachup]

thank you so much for making this article. there would be far less depressed and lonely people if everyone just realised that romantic relationships aren't necessary for a happy life. ever sinze i came to thhis realisation, my self esteem is way better and i can actually talk to girls without the niggling thought in my head that i have to make the girl like to me in order to be happy.

[FatherKnowsBest]

As I read your thorough narrative I could not help but think of my daughter's life. She too spent years in high school doing the morning routine of hair, makeup, and clothes.

Once she went to college in Austin, Tx., the class dress code became: ponytail, bill cap, sunglasses, shorts and sandals. You will be more comfortable at campus than high school!

But on to the relationship issue. Your well written discussion of the meaning of relationships and the need for them should be read by every young girl. Yes it's nice to have a high school sweetheart, but our lives don't revolve around them. More emphasis should be placed on what one wants to achieve in life than by our teenage infatuations.
Unfortunately, the teen adolescent years are a human struggle. It would be easier if we could learn what's about to happen to our bodies before it happens. The longing for affection from the opposite sex is not irrational but a result of hormones raised to the stratosphere.

I believe as a parent we are the ones who can reassure our teens that they are loved regardless of the judgements received at school. I always admired my daughter's maturity during those years, and would love to believe I helped her blossom into a confident woman.

I hope every girl grasps the confidence you show in your own life. When you do the smart boys will be there to make life enjoyable.

Take care!

[thetundrawolf]

Your article is partially correct. You did not pursue what yoru girlfriends were pursuing when you were 12, and thus you never got the affirmation that you were desirable. Unfortunately, this has fostered a "ME ME ME" attitude that tells you, " I don't NEED a relationship!"

But you do. We cannot escape our biology. We cannot escape our physiology. The masculine is attracted to the feminine. And the feminine to the masculine.

By denying your innate desire to be tenderly loved and cherished, you deny your very essence.

All I see is a scared little girl justifying why she does not want a relationship, or worst of all, think she doesn't need to feel wanted, or loved.

The real issue is the putting of sex before everything else.

Sex should come last, but that;s not how it's done in society. Sex is what every man wants, but how much is he willing to invest to get it? If he is willing to invest his life, his soul, his heart, and pledge his body to only one woman, then he has invested enough.

But men willing to do this are few and far between. Finding us is almost impossible. It requires an open heart, willing to be crushed. It requires you being totally, wholly vulnerable. uselessly vulnerable. But without it, without surrendering all of who you are to us, it is not worth it for us to pursue you.

Because to be honest, we will be willing to give up our lives for you.

If you are not willing to do the same for us, why would we waste our time with you?

Listen to your gut instinct. It will tell you if the man you are looking at loves you for you, or just wants you for sex.

[Vinnithexplorer]

Romantic relationships are one of the greatest joys in life. Sharing life with a loved one brings a richness to life that materialism or any of the other trappings of modern life can't compare.

We will always make decisions based on how other people see us, it is deeply ingrained in who we are. This is a mechanism that keeps groups from clubs to society as a whole together and cohesive.

Society will change when people stop thinking,"I" and start thinking "We"
The problem is that people use relationships for personal reasons which are less than honourable and results in the disdain that people have for relationships right now.

Relationships have become just another commodity in this capitalist consumption driven society. Tired of that old husband or wife, trade her/him in for a new one, and while your at it, why not upgrade! Get a partner who's got more money, higher social status, bigger breasts etc.

People have lost respect for each other and to some degree themselves. We have lost sight of the important things in life that are meaningful and bring happiness.

It's not about materialism, that's just to keep the cash rolling in and keep you enslaved to keep working and make someone else rich.

Find meaning in loving your spouse and family, do things you enjoy be a part in your community; give love without the expectation of receiving in return.

[Anonymous]

I get where your coming from but I gotta disagree. To me, finding the right girl and being in a healthy romantic relationship and eventually getting married is right up there with graduating college and being successful in a career. We are genetically wired to NEED someone in life of the opposite sex. What is unhealthy is taking care of that need through random hookups with different friends or worse total strangers. That basically people using each other. It is also unhealthy to have a baby with some guy and be a single mother.

That being said... there are times in life where romantic relationships should not be stressed. I avoided relationships in middle school and high school to save myself the drama. If your working hard in school or upstarting your career and don't have time for a romantic relationship , that's another reason.

What your getting at here really is that so much materialism has been introduced into dating and society. Look at people from the 80's and 90's... they look ugly. Everybody today works hard on their appearance and looks like movie stars. Its ridiculous. And yes romantic relationships based on this is unhealthy. Girls want a guy that works out 7 days of week, uses hair gel, wears expensive clothes, and drives a fancy sports car. Men want a girl with the looks of some movie star to show off to his guy friends like a trophy. Its ridiculous. What happened to people being themselves and liking others for who they are?

That said, I also don't see romantic relationships stressed that much in this society. Sadly, it seems how many hot women or good looking men a man or woman can "score". I've dated so many women who don't want a relationship but just want to "hookup". It makes me sick.

And yeah I can live life single. I'm fine, I can function. And I'm somewhat confident and have self esteem. But still there is that empty space in your heart. I think its the case with everyone, some are just better at ignoring that empty space.

[Anonymous]

I agree with everything you said (and you said it very well!). Having had a very complicated and busy time of it growing up, I have had little chance to really date or anything, and as a result, I am completely backward about dealing with women. Between the obvious biological urges to find someone to settle down with, as well as societal pressures to have a family before I get too old, I feel constantly stressed and insecure around women in general. Yet, logically, I know that this wouldn't make me happy at this time, for neither am I ready to settle down just yet, but I also know I would be doing it for the wrong reasons and would probably jeopardize the happiness and stability of my family if I started it when I wasn't ready. In fact, I often find such urges to be more of an unwanted distraction that only make me miserable and insecure when I could be doing more productive things and having a happier life. I think all of this would be easier if society didn't put such a heavy emphasis on sex and love. Sure, they're great, but there is far more to life, and those things should happen naturally... Not in a feverish hurry just to fit in.

[mimmface]

If i could, I give you 100likes!
Im one of those who feels preassure oc: "you're old enough, get a boyfriend! Or you're so cute without a boyfriend, what a waste"
Like what? Im not tryimg to please any man with my appearence.
I like myslef, i learn to love my self be in harmony, reach my goals, which by now have no man in them.
But society and people assume its all done to get a man, but i dont have one, which means for them-Im weird, crazy, lesbian, etc.
Well its just because i dont need him now!
It annoys me that people are not able to understand this.

[shikari]

Oxytocin plays an important role in the neuroanatomy of intimacy. Our brains release this hormone when we feel understood. Personal relationships tend to decrease in quantity as people age, romantic relationships fill their void.

Understanding of my core needs, beliefs, the world around me, etc., grew exponentially through romantic relationships. Like a flower under the sun, I blossomed under the presence of the girls in my past. Some of which, matured me more in a 45 minute phone conversation than years of talking to particular males.

The ultimate function of romantic relationships is procreation. Wouldn't be doing the matter justice if I didn't at least touch upon that.

[DarkHumorRUs]

Relationships lead to reproduction, and that IS the be all, end all to our existence. From a biological standpoint.

I think the problem lies in WHY people want to be in a relationship, not being in a relationship itself. At some point in the past few decades, people seemed to start wanting a relationship for the sake of being in one, and getting sex as a reward. Anything else that happens doesn't matter. This is mainly prominent in high school and probably for some college students.

I think that if people started dating for the possibility of MARRIAGE, then it might be better. Maybe people would be more careful, and get to know the person they want to date better, etc. It might even keep the relationship more positive. Just a theory, I'm not sure if it would work.

And you're right, you might not need a relationship at the moment. But there's certainly nothing wrong with WANTING one. Often times, relationships can make people happy...

[Confusednalone]

Relationships have ups and downs. Some people it's better to just let them go. To the girls/guys out there, find a guy/girl that will treat you the best he/her can, it's not about money, it's a about the thought of what he/she does for their special person. Find someone you can stay with. Every relationship has fights, but if you stay with the relationship it will become a memory you will look back on and laugh about it together.. Which is a beautiful thing in my mind, I'm extremely pro relationship, and I believe you can have a amazing relationship if your wiling to make it work and change for each other to make one another happy :)

[Anonymous]

I have to agree with you on this. Sometimes, I think people place too much emphasis on relationships. Some people act like they cannot FUNCTION without a significant other. I understand want to share your time and life with someone but people need to realize they need to be THEIR own person. I think too many girls change themselves for a guy.

I totally understand wanting to be around your significant other. I just don't think other people should be making comments and asking questions about your personal life.

[Anonymous]

I am in the same boat as you as in never having had a relationship.

But I disagree what you said about it not being important especially coming from someone who has never had it. You are like one of those people who look at smokers with disgust, when you have never experienced the joy of smoking and the difficulty of quitting.

have you considered the link between your insecurity and your low esteem to your lack of relationship? and the irony of you saying you don't NEED a relationship and in fact perhaps that IS the cause of your low esteem?

i mean, yes at the end of the day you don't physically need it like you need water and oxygen. but you also don't need a billion dollars in the bank, but who in the hell is going to say no to that if the alternative is living on the street?

[Coffinspire]

Honestly I don't think most people can help it. Its instinct. When you reach puberty, it's time to start looking for a mate (and breed which is looked down upon in todays society) I do believe that people can be happy by themselves as long as they like who they are. I also don't think there is such thing as being "undesirable" there is always someone for everyone.

[Yc2K15]

There will alwayse be 2 sides to a story. The story of a humans life can be. "I was smart, healthy, successful and learnt all I could about the world before I died."

And

" I was a hot, muscular, tanned guy who fucked loads of hot chicks but couldn't maintain a friendship let alone a relationship."
Unfortunately earth is full of my second description and very little of the first. Some things won't change And it all comes down to greed.

[Aristotle]

I agree to some extent, though I think you took the point to the other extreme. Seeking positive relationships between people is completely instinctive, I think. Most of our most profound moments and emotions have come from interactions with other people, so I think it's quite normal to want to experience it as much as we can.

The only thing I think I'd see wrong with pursuing stronger relationships with those around you is if you are doing it with bad intent, or for superficial reasons.

[Anonymous]

This is very true, but unfortunately not in my case as I strive and feed off of my relationship with God, my friends, and my music. Of course part of the problem is that I love people and talking to people and my music is a way that I start conversations as it is easy to relate with others on their favorite bands, etc. A relationship to me would mean someone caring for me and accepting me. I don't feel like I fit in in most situations so having someone like that would not only boost my self esteem, but help my sanity.

[Harrison4073]

You're very right and I think I'm finally coming to this realisation. I want to meet someone some day but it doesn't have to be today, tomorrow or anytime soon. I don't need sex now, some day I will hopefully have it as I'm a good person and someone I like will some day like me I hope.
Good article.

[PhiOmega]

I think what your describing is what i would term the epidemic of "casual" relationships

I agree with u on a few of those points, the only point where my outlook differs

i believe part of ur purpose as a human is to attract a suitable mate as to procreate, I'm not saying it should rule us, but we should have a healthy desire to be able to

[ComDom]

Even if you don't need social or romantic relationships there are almost certainly psychological benefits to being in one. Humans are social creatures.

[neoclassica]

Isn't it sad how the media put so much pressure at kids into looking at their best to fit in our society? Evil Disney, Nickelodeon and worthless reality shows poisoning the minds of our young...

[Despondency]

"You do not NEED a relationship. It is perfectly possible to be happy in life without one."

But that's just not true. Across the board no matter where you seek the research people in relationships are happier.