She doesn't think she's pretty enough for me?

Question

In my past I have dated some very attractive women. Girls with long gorgeous hair, great make up, smokin' bodies, etc. I myself am big into fitness and am in great shape and IMO don’t look to bad myself.

My new girlfriend (6 months) is just a blast to be with. I’m with her because everything we do is always so much fun. She’s just great.

(I’m being honest here so be nice please)Physically she’s not as attractive as my X’s. She doesn’t workout enough, eats a little too much, etc. Although it bothers me a little, her personality makes up for it and then some. She is very pretty too!

She has seen lots of pics of me with X’s and is intimated (facebook, friends photos). She keeps saying how she doesn’t feel good enough for me and that she obviously isn’t my type. She says all I care about are looks because I workout so much & watch what I eat so strictly. I keep telling her that I am dating her because I care about her, but that just doesn’t seem to be cutting it. I said she is pretty & has a wonderful personality, but that didn’t help. I don’t know what to say/do. Her insecurities are driving me nuts. Any suggestions on what I can say to calm her down?

Tigerlily · Accepted Answer

I don't know what your current or ex-girlfriends look like, but if I was your current girlfriend, I would not want to know what your exes look like. I know I have insecurities that can definitely get the best of me at times, and if my guy ever mentions an ex, I always get this image of perfection... I don't know whether that's true or not, but as long as I never see them, it can stay that way in my mind. I can convince myself that it's just me being irrational and doesn't need to be taken out on him. So definitely get rid of those pictures! You're hoping for a good old case of out of sight, out of mind.

You can talk about her personality all you like and though she probably doesn't want to hear you say you hate her personality, it's not going to detract from the fact that she's still 'inferior' looks-wise. We know that, because we do it to eachother; we know that if we say we're fat and someone compliments our facial features, they're trying to hide the fact that they think we're fat too. If we say we're ugly and they tell us it's what's on the inside that counts, we know they're trying to agree without showing it.

You say she is 'very pretty' - what is it about her that you like? Compliment her on it! Don't expect her to accept it graciously though - sounds like she's the kind of girl who won't quite know how to do that =P you need to tell her you're dating her because you care about her, but ALSO make her feel beautiful. Otherwise she'll forever feel like your exes are hotter anyway. Every girl wants to be told she has the most beautiful xxx her guy has ever seen; the problem is that it's rarely true. What are the odds, really? So try to stay away from using that particular phrase. Just stick to 'really beautiful' or something like that, lol. I think the thing is that you have to mean it - you have to look at her with genuine adoration, and have her SEE you look at her with genuine adoration. In fact, if you can do that, you may not even need to pick anything in particular to compliment her on. If you can tell her what you see when you look at her - and I'm guessing this should be something amazing - and look at her with that affection the whole time, and make sure she sees you look at her like that, I guarantee you - she will melt. If you manage to keep dropping her little compliments and giving her the occasional string of them, she'll feel better over time.

You have to try to take it away from pleading and convincing her that she's wrong and everything's fine blah blah blah worried face, and towards something where you don't have to try to convince her because you can show her, by being happy to see her and simple things like that. But like I said, try to take it in your stride when she disagrees or doesn't just say thank you. We're not all very good at that =\ be careful when encouraging her to work out with you... she may see it as a covert way of saying you think she needs to lose weight >< good luck!

BelovedDoll · Accepted Answer

As someone who suffers from the same symptoms of insecurity as her, let me give you some insight that might help understand (based on my own experiences).

Depending on what her past was like with guys, exboyfriends, people in general, etc, she may have been made to feel worthless and ugly from how people treated her. So she`s already going into the relationship with you totally insecure and feeling bad about herself. Then she sees that you are hanging around/talking to/used to date girls that are considered more attractive/more interesting than her. She`ll be afraid that she`ll be dumped because you have better options to go to and have had better as girls know, guys are very visual and if they don`t like what they see, they leave it and find something better. It`s not something that`s going to just go away. YEARS of being made to feel like crap is a very long process to get over (and this is IF a cure is even possible). You (and especially her) will be struggling with this. But there are some simple things you can do that will help out in the long run:

1) Remove the pictures of you and your exes where she won`t see them easily (ie, take them off your profiles, but if you want to keep them, keep them stashed on your harddrive in some sub-sub-sub folder)

2) Compliment, a lot and randomly. Don`t compliment her only when she`s feeling down and depressed - this is actually not a good time to be complimenting her.

3) Give her extra attention. If other girls are present, stick with your girl, have your arm around her, talk to her more than the other girls, etc. Anything that makes a blatant show that she is your focus and you don`t care about the other girls.

4) This is a mistake my boyfriend continuously does and makes any progress made to be undone and worsen the condition: DON`T talk to your girl (or say where she can hear) how you think this girl or that girl is hot/sexy/pretty/attractive. The absolute LAST thing the girl needs is to hear how her boyfriend finds other girls attractive.

5) If anyone says anything negative about her, be the first to jump up and say how they are wrong.

6) SHE needs your love, SHE needs your attention, SHE needs you support her her, and SHE needs you to view her as the only girl in the world for you. It sounds hard but it really isn`t. A lot of little things will go a long way.

7) Whatever you do, don`t make it a big deal. You don`t need to go on how you`re leaking in your pants because she`s wearing a certain t-shirt or such dramatic things. Keep it calm and simple, but keep it frequent. And keep in mind of what you do or say to other girls.

LittleMissGriff · Accepted Answer

I know talking is often difficult to do because it's alien territory, but honestly? It may be the perfect solution. She's being irrational. Everyone does it, particularly when they've convinced themselves of something. She's convinced she's not good enough. Sit down with her and have a serious conversation WHY she feels that way.

First, she will point out all the things about your ex's, etc etc, but in reality it is a self-image problem. Don't make her defend her point of view, just keep asking questions. Why does she think she's less attractive than they are? If you can get her to face her insecurities head on, it means they can be addressed.

If she feels she's fat, counter that you certainly don't think so, but would she be happier if she were more fit? Insist you don't want her to starve herself or be unhealthy, but that if her self-image bothers her, you're willing to take time to work out with her or help build an exercise plan.

Take time to explain why she is better than your ex's.

Also explain that your health and eating habits are for your health and mental well-being. Exercise makes you feel stronger mentally and physically. Knowing your are in peak condition gives you the confidence to try new things and, yes, the knowledge that you look good. It's not simply vanity. It's an all inclusive package of abilities you can be proud of.

You'll need to be patient. Talking about insecurities is a very scary thing, particularly when it's easiest to try and pretend they don't exist, even though they're affecting our lives. She will be defensive and possibly even lash out. Don't get angry. Be calm and let her vent. Being able to face her fears and find feasable and even enjoyable solutions will be healthy for both of you.

everyguy · Accepted Answer

You said it pretty much that she isn't as pretty as your ex's so maybe you DO make her feel the same way too.You told her that you are dating her because you care for her.That's the wrong attitude and you need to improve your comments. I'm dating you not only because you are sweet, caring,loving and giving but because you're hot, sexy,  beautiful.When you calm down about how she doesn't measure up she will too.

blondfrog · Accepted Answer

Yeah man most women are never happy with their looks she probably feels like she doesn't deserve you cause she really doesn't.

magnoliacrush · Answer

I don't doubt that she's an amazing girl and I'm glad there are guys out there that can look past physical features, so props for you!

I'll admit to this though, although you may think "you have a great personality" might be a nice thing to say, but for some girls it's just a big slap across the face. It's almost saying you're ugly.

I understand that you have a need to workout and eat healthy. Explain to her that: yes it's nice to look great because it makes YOU feel good and it keeps you confident and happy. But not only do you look great, you feel great. Seriously though.. if you're not in great shape... I'm sure sex wouldn't be as great with a couch potatoe (no offense!). There are so much more benefits when you're fit than a slob. And when you start getting lazy... well not only would you feel like sh*t about yourself but it might effect the relationship negatively and it's just so much harder to get back into shape :P.

My suggestion is to always remind her how amazing and beautiful she is. Don't let her forget that. Don't just say "you're beautiful" cause every guy can say that, but tell her your favorite features about her, may it be her eyes, hair, nose, etc. Ask her to join you to exercise. Tell her it's part of your daily life and you would love her to be part of it. Use it an excuse to "spend more time" with her and to "get to know each other in a new level." If she doesn't like going to the gym, buy some yoga videos and have fun with that. P90X yoga kicks my ass, but it's a great and challenging workout. Don't make her go up to your workout level because she'll feel discouraged and feel like a failure... have her start at her own level.

Sorry I rambled a bit too much... I hope this helps! Best of luck

anniebannaney · Answer

I'm speaking from a girl that often acts as your girlfriend does. I'm not sure just how insecure she is in her overall appearance outside of comparing herself to your exes. But just sit her down and really tell her how you feel about her and I hope she'd come around. I'm talking about not just the fleeting remark saying she's pretty as she is or something like that. I'm talking about really siting her down and making her feel special. If her personality is so great maybe see if telling her the less entertaining personalities of your exes.

Maybe that is what she needs is the satisfaction of just being better than them at something. Maybe you should tone down your hobby of staying healthy you don't have to change it but make it seem of less of importance so she doesn't focus on that as a flaw in herself.

She is nitpicking at herself like most women do. If she's really so worried about herself that's a signal that she really doesn't want to loose you. There was a movie made recently called She's out of my league I believe and it gives some insight to how we barrate ourselves as a rated society and comparing to the "perfect people." at the end of the movie the "perfect" woman had to make it clear to her "dorky" boyfriend that he was perfect to her and it didn't matter what anyone else thought or looked like as corny as it is it's the inside that counts, rite?

I can't tell you how to go about it exactly but as I have said you need to really straighten her out and build her confidence in your liking for her as she is.

fresca · Answer

Remind her how much you care about her and how she pretty she is regularly...

Women are intimated by other women, not by men.

We know how devious and sneaky some of us can get...especially the gorgeous ones with hot, smoking bodies.

And when a guy we're dating is gorgeous and known for having had gorgeous girlfriends, a girl can't help but ask herself "why would a guy like him want to date a girl like me?"

Put yourself into her position.

You are overweight, plump in the stomach, wearing glasses, dorky type of guy. You don't have a lot of money, you work full time, and you're a student full time. You're not even tall and you still have overactive acne. (I'm not describing your girlfriend...just put yourself in "inferior" position)

Then this French-Jewish-"insert whatever is sexy here" model wants to date you. She thinks your video game skills and fantasy football addiction is funny. But you also know that she's been dating rich, hot guys who can get anything she wants and be anything she wants...

Wouldn't YOU feel inferior?

Obviously the scenario was exaggerated...but y'know what I mean.

How would YOU want her to act around you?

Clearly, you would want a reminder as to why you're great.

Clearly, you WOULDN'T want to see her ex's whose presence depresses you...

etc. etc...

put yourself into her position. seriously.

moniquinha · Answer

well...first of all, everyone has insecurites. Some people act like they don't but if you dig deep enough you'll find them eventually. Even these hot-bodied girls you dated before had them too. some people are just more up front about it, some can hide it better. so the only thing you can really do is reassure her. No girl wants to hear that she's not as attractive as another girl you dated. That doesn't mean you have to lie to her, but if you want to help her feel better make a strong effort to compliment the things you do love about her.

Maybe your past exes had great bodies, but does she have any qualities that you prefer over the girls of your past?. If so, she may like to hear that. For example, you could tell her that you've never had more fun with any other girl. Or she has the best sense of humor you've ever seen from a girl. Or maybe she has another great facial feature...that you like better in her than your exes. Great lips, maybe? Soft skin? I don't know, just throwing out examples. The important thing is : BE SPECIFIC. Saying things like "you have a great personality" sounds general and cliche. It's like the classic "i like you, but not enough" line. and everyone takes it that way.

Try to avoid talking about exes too. Not sure if you do this, but no one likes to be compared. Try just taking the time to point out her great qualities more often...but not prompted by her comments about your exes. Do it other times, when you guys are just hanging out or having fun. That's really all you can do. She will have to work on her insecurities herself throughout her life.

starbucksaddict14 · Answer

I dated a guy who I considered WAY out of my league. I mean, when I saw him I literally never thought he would be interested in me.

I know for a fact the girls he dated before me were gorgeous. Three of them were even Czech models. :( ha ha but one night we were out, and he was like "there are so many things I like about you." so I asked him what.

He listed all these little things I do or say. My smile, my laugh, the way I touch people's arms a certain way when I'm nervous, how I don't wear makeup, the (UGLY) face I make when I feel awkward, etc. And at the end he said "And honestly.. I just really feel amazing with you. Like when I'm with you, I honestly don't think anything can go wrong."

And that right there took care of any problems I had about how good looking he was/ ex girlfriends were. Hope that helped? :)

wondermist · Answer

I think you should stop making her pay so much attention to your exes or at least try to tone it down on that aspect.

She's probably insecure because of your past with women hotter than her. She feels as if she's inadequate just because they're so pretty and you're "settling" for her because of her personality. What woman doesn't want to be hot to their boyfriend?

Since she's insecure, she may not believe your saying that you find her pretty. She might take it as a thing you're saying just to make her feel better, though I could be totally wrong.

I say you sit down with her and tell her a list of things that you appreciate and love/like about her.

superwoman · Answer

I don't have any good advice to give you because honestly if I were her I would probably be very insecure too. seriously. especially if she has issues with her weight like every girl does. but I don't think keep telling her stuff that's not true is going to help (e.g like telling her she's just as hot as your ex. or she's beautiful even though she knows she's a bit fat.) we have eyes and brain, and she's probably right she's not in the same league with you in terms of looks. So instead of blindly telling her something that's clearly not true, I think you should tell you you're with her because of her personality and in that respect, she's way more awesome than all your ex's, and that's the truth, and she'll be believe it and feel secure.

on a side note, I've seen guys dating girls who are "ugly" but "fun" to be with. This might be a weird question, but what makes a girl fun...(like what makes your girlfriend fun).. I'm really curious

lovelife11 · Answer

if she is feeling like she is not pretty enough, maybe don't keep telling her how good her personality is... maybe just keep telling her that you think she is beautiful and no one can turn you on the way she can cause she is so sexy! Boost her "physical" confidence because this is the area that she is self conscious about, not her personality (in other words, her personality isn't the issue that needs some work) Plus, the more sexy you make her feel, the more sexy she WILL be in the sack cause she won't be as inhibited ;)

xxxworldisminexxx · Answer

Well that's great how your telling her that you like her because you care about her.  I think that matters a lot.  And if I were here I would wonder the same thing, but If he told me he liked me for me that would mean a lot.  Maybe ask her what you can do to make her to not feel so inadequate.  And that she has what those other girls didn't have, a great personality (only if that's true ofc)  And since you love to workout/eat right, why don't you two work out together? That way you can introduce her to something you love and possibly get her on a healthier track .. and if she works out I'm sure she'll feel more confident, that goes without saying.  I mean I workout everyday and if I miss a couple days I feel crappy.   So maybe try that?  I hope that helped feel free to ask any other qs :))

lavender · Answer

You say that it bothers you a little about her not working out enough and that she eats too much.  You have to be willing to accept her exactly as she is right now.  Not 20 pounds lighter, or with toned muscles.  But just the way she is right now.  She probably picks up the slight hesitation that you have concerning her current looks status.  And she's just goign to resent you if you keep on encouraging her to workout with you.  Unless she's ASKING to go with you, leave it as an open invite for her to join you any time, and then drop the subject all together.

SavingHer · Answer

f you like her so much then why can't you accept the things you don't like about her? She isn't your ex gfs so stop trying to change her. If the girl wants to eat then let her eat. Maybe she'd accept herself more if you learn to accept EVERYTHING about her. Let her enjoy life and what she does.

I've been in her shoes and she probably feels this way because she doesn't want to lose you and is just scared. Keep telling her she is beautiful and you love her personality. Learn how to accept the things that bother you about her and maybe it'll help her feel more comfortable and better about herself.

I do give you credit for not just going for looks this time.

Anonymous · Answer

In my experience, when someone tells you they aren't good enough for you, you should believe them. In my experience, it is an excuse used to get out of a relationship. I could be way off base with this one, but again this is how it has always been in my experience. Good luck, hope you can work it out. You sound like a great guy and she is lucky to have you.

flower1000 · Answer

it he's self confidance take her to the gym with you let her see that your interested in her that you want to spend time with her I will also say to you tell her this what you have just said here but leave the not so pretty bit out and your with her for this you sound a nice man she's lucky

HotPepper302 · Answer

I agree with every one about deleting the pics with your exes. Also, why don't you encourage her to come to the gym with you and you could show her the ropes of something you care about, or cook with her once in a while to curb her unhealthy ways -- that could also go a long way, too :) And don't be afraid to be generous with the compliments, but don't go over the top or she'll think that something's up. Good luck :)

SomebodyToldMeh · Answer

Maybe, just maybe..

You should put some of the photos away if it's just you and the ex.. I mean, I know it sounds shallow, but if she's your ONLY one, that may be what's preventing her from believing you.

Other than that, just sit her down and have a talk.

"Why do you think you're so below me? Did I do something wrong?"

Junk like that. Don't just love on her.

Try it. I hope it helped.

Sincerely,

STM~

girlsguys99 · Answer

tell her simply that you like her more than the others and think she looks great.

and that she is self-sabotaging a good thing and letting her insecurities win, which she shouldnt

i know her position well...i'm attractive, sometimes called 'hot' in my younger days, but my ex got way more looks from all the beautiful, vivacious girls and I got some attention too but not 'in the street' attention as he did and it made me feel like crap and pissed off.

katieeelovesu · Answer

I know those kind of insecurities that come up; ugh I hate them. I think you have done a lot already. Just don`t bring up a lot about ex girlfriends; sometimes that may make someone even more insecure. Just really; take her out..like you usually do I guess..and express your feelings. like be straight forward. Look into her eyes and be straight forward.

xxGloriababyxx · Answer

I hate when my boyfriend calls me pretty honestly that makes me feel like I'm not good enough start calling her beautiful and gorgeous. Try to stay away from the word pretty, and when your out with her try to just pay all the attention to her let her no that she is important to you and a big part of her life. Try getting deep with the convo that helps to. Be honest with her and don't ever tell her that she eats to much, and stop careing about looks more then what's on the inside.

peace-love-couture · Answer

1)Delete the photos of your ex girlfriends,there's no reason for you to even show them to her.

2)Tell her you think she is beautiful.In the back of her mind she knows you don't find her attractive and that she'll never compare to your ex girlfriend.

Anonymous · Answer

You need to tell her to get over herself. You've told her over and over again that you're into her for her and if she doesn't realize it by now, then you need to move on

I've been in your position before and it's uncomfortable to constantly have to deal with an insecure person

She doesn't think she's pretty enough for me?

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