Roommate's girlfriend basically is moved in?

[Poseidon17]

I had an earlier question posted about this, but didn't get many responses. My roommate has had a girlfriend for the last 7 months or so; she used to come over a few times a week and then would stay over most of the weekend. I graduate college in May and will be moving out, so he's been thinking of living with his girlfriend. He said she had asked about moving in with US before I'm even moved out and I told him definitely NO (we have a 2-bedroom apartment and I feel crowded enough as it is with her here). But in the past several weeks she's been over ALL THE TIME. She even stays weeknights and goes to work from our place.

The ridiculous thing is she has her own place and they could be alone and with more privacy there, but they NEVER go there. I constantly have to overhear them giggling, and fooling around, so much I always shave to have TV or music playing so I try not to hear it.

I don't know how to tell him about this without sounding like a prude, even though they always stay in his room the whole time I feel crowded and like she's moved in. I'm someone who holds privacy very highly; I believe my home should be a place to relax and have complete control over the atmosphere and what goes on in it. Whenever she's over here for so long I never feel like I have my home to myself.

[selfishstars]

You do need to have a mature conversation about this, but please do not take the Anonymous girl's advice below mine. This conversation needs to between you and your roommate, NOT the roommate's girlfriend. She is not the "problem", as anonymous user suggested. It is your roommate that you need to talk to, as he is the one who is allowing her to stay over so often.

When you enter into a living agreement with someone, as you do when you have a roommate, you have a responsibility to each other to be courteous and respectful. Unfortunately, people can't read minds, so your roommate probably doesn't realize that the amount of time his girlfriend is spending there is bothering you, which is why you need to be upfront and tell him. Ask your roommate if he has some time to talk, preferably when his girlfriend is not around. Tell him something like, "Remember when you mentioned that (your girlfriend) was asking if she could move in with us before I moved out?" Well, I said I would be uncomfortable with that, but the last few weeks its felt like she has moved in with us, because she's here so often. It's a small place and so it feels quite crowded with three bodies here. You know that I'll be moving out in May, and that's not too far away, so I was wondering if until then, she didn't spend as much time here, or maybe the two of you could spend more time at her place instead."

I don't know your roommate, so its hard to say how he will react. Some people become defensive when they are confronted about things. On the other hand, I've found that most of my roommates were totally understanding when I brought something up to them that was bothering me. Most of them apologized and said that didn't realize it was a problem, and their behavior changed. I think it also made them more comfortable talking to me if there was something I was doing that was bothering them (which is a positive thing, since a relationship with a roommate is just like any other relationship in that communication is really important in making it work).

Take some time before you talk to your roommate to think about what you are comfortable with and what you are not comfortable with so that you're able to tell him what your expectations are. His idea of her staying there "less" might not be the same as yours. How often are you okay with her coming over/spending the night? For example, you might be okay with her staying on the weekends, but not on weekdays; or maybe asking if he can limit her staying over to x number of nights a week. Or maybe you could suggest she stay over the amount of time she used to (a few times a week and then most of the weekend) if you were okay with that arrangement. Be willing to be a bit flexible/to compromise, if needed, but its important in this kind of relationship to have boundaries and to be respectful of each others' boundaries.

[Poseidon17]

what you said sounds reasonable. I just feel kinda weird telling him I'm not comfortable with her being over so much when they actually are mostly in his room all the time with the door closed. It's hard to explain why I don't like it; without telling him "dude, I hear you fooling around with your girlfriend and it creeps me out". I guess I feel like I'm in THEIR apartment, since it's as if they're living here together and I'm a third wheel, and that's not how you should feel in our own place...

[selfishstars]

No, I completely understand. Just knowing that there are extra people in your home and being able to hear them can make you feel crowded, even if they aren't directly in your "space". And you definitely shouldn't feel like you're a third wheel in THEIR apartment when its your own. I think your complaints are reasonable. Maybe he'll understand without you having to explicitly state that you can hear them fooling around.

[Anonymous]

I actually just had this talk with my roommate. My boyfriend was coming over and spending nights and she kept saying it was fine and never mentioned it, we ask constantly and nothing ever came up. So finally, a few days ago, she snaps and just yells at us both to "gtfo" and all that. Finally she calms down, lets me back into the dorm and we talked about it. By which I mean I talked and she sat in a huffy little p*ss puddle being angry.

But that's what you've got to do. Approach either her, or them together, because it's her that's the problem, not him, and if you talk to him he might be defensive. When you go to her just be calm, don't accuse or yell or get angry. Just explain what's going on, why you don't like her around and how it makes you feel uncomfortable. It's very important not to make her/them feel like they're being blamed, and don't make them seem like villains. Don't bring up past times you've asked that will just make them more on the defensive. Simply explain the problem now. You need the space and yes he has his own room but it's very small apartment and her being there is just too much. Sex makes things really uncomfortable so I wouldn't really mention it unless they're the ones demanding more in depth explanations. From her point of view she just likes being around him and misses him, and driving all the time is probably a bitch and your apartment might be better and she just wants to stay with him, keep it simple. So just remember they're not doing it to spite you and they probably honestly don't know exactly how much it's bothering you. But sit them down, calmly, no fighting, no arguing, talking like adults, and tell them what's up with you. Again, most importantly, NO BLAME GAMES. THINK about what you're going to say and exactly how to say it, take you're time replying to things, you don't want to offend them and you definitely don't want to put them on the defensive, then the only thing that could happen is... well... not at all what you want.

I hope this helped. If you have any questions just ask in a comment and I'll do my best to answer.

[Razer]

Ya I agree with selfish, you went wrong thinking she was the one he should talk to. No matter what kind of person she is or what her attitude is, it is still his resposibility, he is bringing her into their home. Even if she is super manipulative, it's not like she is breaking in. End

[phenixblack]

Sounds like you need to find a girlfriend of your own