Genuinely what is your problem with people using they/them pronouns?

Question

Don't say "it's stupid" or anything like that I want a genuine reason, dig deep and tell me why?

Weapon77 · Accepted Answer

In general, I really don't mind other people using them, except that I'm a writer with an English degree, so the incorrect grammar bugs me. Plus, I never get used to hearing it. I ALWAYS think they are talking about multiple people at first. But other than that, it doesn't bother me really. Like, I'm not going to harass people or be a jerk about it because guess what? I am surrounded by people who use improper grammar daily, saying things like, "ekspecially," "supposebly," "can I aks you," misspelling "they're, there, and their," etc. Language is always changing, so as long as we can all udnerstand each other in daily speech and follow the same strict rules in professional settings, who cares what words are used in casual speech, ya know? Also, it's just an asshole move to always correct people's grammar outside of professional peer reviews.

But the other part of me that is a psychologist is also deeply saddened by the use of "they/them" and such because it is dehumanizing. It breaks my heart that there are boys and girls in this world who are so desperate in their search for identity that our language cannot accurately express how they feel--or at least they don't know the words to do so. So instead they try to reinvent current words that mean something completely different. 9ne person using they/them does not identifying as multiple people, rather as something other than his or her biological sex. But they/them still bears the connotation of multiple gender non-specific people and the more someone uses the words, the more that person gets used to just being a nameless face in the crowd, which counteracts the whole search for individuality while accomplishing the search for a group to "belong" in. To address individualtiy, these people often change their names or adopt new aliases to relfect how they currently feel or want to feel regarding personal identity rather than group identity.

It also saddens me that we care so little about these people who are suffering from gender dysphoria that we care more about using the right words and calling them the names they want than we do about actually being emotional support for them, showing interest in their lives and goals, etc. It's disgusting that we fight over what name to call them when all they really need is to be acknowledged. I know people who go by they/them, and even they will tell you that being called by their name is much more humanizing and makes them feel cared about. I know plenty of people mean well, but we need to do away with they/them and similar ridiculous and insufficient words. Call people by their names.

Also, it is very much overexaggerated how many people are entirely against using they/them. You seem to be one of those people. Most people ACTUALLY just hate being FORCED to use the words or being demonized for not using them. And it is even worse when the bullying toward those people to use they/them directly goes against their own belief system. We can't just bully and shame people into agreeing with us. How about we chill and try to understand their viewpoints (no matter how inane they might be)? No major social issue was solved by forcing people to speak a certain way. Those issues are solved by being kind and understanding until opponents eventally realize their own mistakes or their children do 🤷‍♂️

FilmGuy93 · Accepted Answer

I don't think I've ever encountered anyone who has a problem with it in real life. The only people I've met who do, have been online. I think it's mostly just people trying to troll each other.

For me, a good 97% of the social justice narratives really fell apart when I realized 2 extremely important things:

The vast vast vast majority of people have way too much shit going on in their own lives to care about what's going on in your's. If I'm worried about paying my bills and getting my kids to soccer practice and such, I just don't have the time or emotional bandwidth to give a [hoot] what or why you want to be called what you do. You just tell me what you want to be called, and I do it. There's no oppression; I just have more important stuff going on... I just do.
So many people just don't see the issues as... real (?), for lack of a better term and the people making an issue about pronouns want to put the force of law behind their sensitivity. Many of the problems SJWs are worried about, can easily be resolved by having a change of the victimized person having a change of perspective on the issue. Worrying about the pronouns someone addresses you with, is an unbelievably first-world problem and the easiest solution really is to realize that it's not a big deal. The people allegedly victimizing them don't care enough to victimize them.

So to answer your question; you combine those two ideas above and you can see that the issue people have with they/them pronouns is that the whole thing feels like a needlessly complicated solution to a problem that doesn't need to exist in the first place.

whirled_up_girl · Accepted Answer

I don't know that I have a problem with it the way some people do though sometimes I think it buys into the narrative that there is a way to be male and a way to be female. I mean growing up I was a bit of a tomboy which turned into just being kind of a plain Jane, and not very girly female. That doesn't mean that I don't identify as female or that I felt that I was neither gender. At the same time if I have a patient or a co-worker etc. that wants to identify as non-binary I won't treat them differently either, I believe in treating everyone with respect.

fonduegirl · Accepted Answer

I don't have any problems with what anyone identifies with. Their life, and I respect their decision.  Rather, I've problems with people who misgender others... Because how can you be so vile? And drag "English language" as an excuse.

caring__1 · Answer

Yes, language is fluid, and words are constantly changing meaning. For instance, if you excel at something, that might be considered your 'forte.' That used to be pronounced 'fort,' yet people have used 'fortay' for so long that now dictionaries say either is acceptable. There is also the word flustered and the word frustrated, yet it is strange how often I hear people say they are flustrated... which isn't a word. Eventually, if people choose to make it mainstream, it will be listed in the dictionary as a word.

When women chose to not be designated by their marital status, 'Ms' was brought to our vocabulary. It didn't take long for people to accept 'Ms,' as it was a unique word and easily associated with the primary objective.

Using they/them is not as simple. You're now giving the same words multiple meanings with no way to differentiate when it is singular and when it is plural. This becomes challenging even to those who want to be respectful of a person's choice. It is very hard to change lifelong patterns. Rather than create such a conflict for so many people, it would have been much easier had a new word been chosen. It would have been so easy to come up with alternatives, such as de/dem or le/lem or ve/vem or ze/zem.

The pushback from using Ms didn't last very long, and the pushback from using another unique word would also probably not last very long. There was more pushback from the Hormel company when SPAM was turned into spam. The people who chose to relabel they/them knew they were pushing buttons and may have done it intentionally for that purpose, but it only gave people more excuses to be critical of the LGBTQ+ community. You would think that's the last thing they'd want to do. We're unlikely to be accepted if we're always forcing ourselves in other people's faces.

If you're asking my own person problem with using they/them, it tends to be how strongly people correct me when I do stumble and use the wrong word. When people are putting forth a legitimate effort to respect the wishes of others, the last thing they want is to be criticized every time they make a mistake.

Telekinetic-Potato · Answer

I don't have a problem with it, I try to use them, it's just that sometimes it's hard to have a conversation about the person, especially if it's a group of people. I kinda would have rather they came up with a new word.

And it makes conversation awkward and hard and I end up feeling like I'm making all these changes specifically because someone decided for me that I have to.

So on one hand, I want to be kind and give it a try but on the other it feels like I'm changing my life for some random person who doesn't appreciate it, wouldn't do something equivalent for me and is usually doing it with an entitled energy. Almost like a kid who just expects you to do things for them.

You want me to feel disrespected so you don't have to even though I would have had more respect for you if you just picked a pronoun that works in conversation. And then you're gonna act like it's no big deal for me but it's a cruel act for me not to do it.

Again, I try to refer to people how they want but I do have some things about it I don't totally understand or agree with.

John1972 · Answer

I'm non bias on it for the most part as far as what they/them want to call themselves/theirselves my problem is with the fact that its even an issue. With all of the challenges that the LGBTQ+ community has faced and the endless list of challenges that it still must yet face it seems a bit counterproductive to me. There so many larger issues that have to be overcome for the LGBTQ+ community to put so much time and effort into what do we call ourself today. How about we drop the need for a pronoun and go with a single unisex term? Here's one "Being's" Everyone want's to fight for what they believe in and for what they feel is their right's but it seems the world has gotten stuck on the idea that Labeling is more important than just simply living life and finding happiness no matter who you are. If my opinion on this has offended or angered anyone in the LGBTQ+ community or those who are not part of that community as well I want to apologize to you for anything I've said that you might of found offensive. I truly mean no harm in my my words they are simply just an opinion. But if they did upset or anger anyone then it seems that we are spending too much time looking for a reason to hate and not a single moment looking for a reason to be happy and free to love ourselves. Learn that each person has a right to exist the way that they/them choose to do so and once we realize that each and every single one of us have the right to live how we choose everyone won't be so busy running around trying to label themselves/theirselves as well as others trying to label them with any pronouns of the day that are being used. PS if we all can agree on the whole unisex name Being's I totally want the credit for that.

NathanDavis · Answer

I've read numerous articles and writings in which these pronouns are used, and some times the author does specify or has a disclaimer that this is the case, but sometimes they don't bother to "let you know"

for either case, it is incredibly confusing and distracting, not in the sense of "omg I have no idea what is going on" but in the sense that I do have to actually and consciously and constantly pause in my mind and correct my brain, because my brain is already used to proper grammar rules and structure, and it is very difficult to undo decades of consistency... every single time the word they or them, I have to pause and make sure, if it is used as the proper grammar or the new grammar... so yes, this is very distracting and annoying when I've just read the first paragraph of the very long articles I tend to read, but... I already had to proof-read myself AT LEAST two dozen times

now, I am not exactly against these pronouns, and I do not actually consider them a problem, but it is true that most of these articles and writings I will just feel like "nevermind" I am not really that interested on it, and basically quit them before I start the third paragraph just because I am not in the mood of constantly battling my OCD brain about this one particular thing

I wish it were more simple but, there is absolutely anything simple about how my brain works... lol, now... in every day conversations, or in casual engagement with those who wish to go by these nouns, that is way easier, and that I've done it with no problem at all, because now we're just one on one so I guess sometimes is a bother, and other times not at all

purplepoppy · Answer

I have 4 issues.
1. I'm human, I make mistakes I will slip up and call you he/she if you look male/female. The last thing I want is someone having a hissy fit because I've slipped up.

2. To me calling someone a "they" sounds disrespectful, it's right up there with calling someone "it". I might as well use the phrase "you people".

3. I don't need to know your gender. If you want to be one of the alternatives that's your business. I'm all for live and let live but a lot of people aren't. Now half your work colleagues are worried about you using the wrong toilet.

4. In languages other than English changing from he/she to they/them also changes other words in a sentence. Again it's all to easy to accidentally slip up and offend people. You try explaining to a kid struggling with awkward grammar why the normal verb rules don't apply to a certain person.

MuddyMole · Answer

We don't use different pronouns just to make English more difficult for foreigners to learn - they serve an important purpose in removing ambiguity (don't ask me how languages without them manage).
For example: "Kate has a friend called Gary. They enjoy ice skating".
So who enjoys ice skating? Is it Kate, is it Gary, or is it both of them?

Now imagine you're reading (or attempting to write in a way that is clear to others) a lengthy article about someone, all written in the third person - it's much more difficult.

Take a look at the wikipedia articles about people who prefer to use they/them. You'll see most still use he/she instead (Miley Cyrus, Demi Lovato, etc), because it's clearer.
When they do use they/them, in order to make the article understandable, the subject is repeatedly referred to by name instead - like Ezra Miller's page, which is just Miller did this, Miller did that... It's long and repetitive.

JSmuve · Answer

Because it goes against the English language. There are three sets of pronouns. He/him/his refers to men, she/her/hers refers to women, and they/them/their refers to groups. Because English never had a pronoun set for when the gender of a person has not been specified, they/them/their was co-opted to fulfill this role until gender was established. Using they/them/their when gender is apparent implies that the person in question is neither male nor female, which is a biological impossibility. You're male or female, maybe both in rare cases, but never neither. I've seen people who want to be addressed as (s) he/they, which is even more asinine because it's now mixing pronoun sets. We can't just rewrite the English language to accommodate people who, for whatever ill-conceived reason, don't want to fit into their biologically-based groupings. We should not have ever encouraged this.

William7489 · Answer

I don’t really have one although I will say this. If you are going to do it, please don’t do it at work or on company time. Don’t listed on company stationary, your email signature or company letterhead. Like it or not, there’s a good portion of people who find it offensive or divisive so it’s best to keep those kind of things away from your business. I had to tell an employee to remove his pronouns from his official signature line. Even though I don’t mind, we serve the public and there’s a portion of it it sees it as red meat politically. As a business that depends on everyone, we just can’t bring any divisive political issues into the workplace right now. Other than that, people should just let everyone do what they need to do as long as there’s no injury to anyone else.

Datboi65 · Answer

See, I don't have a problem with people using it. They can call themselves they/them/xe or whoever. I have a problem when I'm FORCED to refer to them by their pronouns. Unfortunately, this policy is being implemented in some countries now (Canada is one of them), you can get fined for not referring to someone by their pronouns. I can only imagine the shitstorm that will go on if it's implemented in the United States.

If I don't refer to you by your pronoun, it's not out of disrespect. It's because I have a different belief. You can use that with yourself, but DO NOT force that upon other people who don't believe in it, and then try to compare that to the n word which is 100 times worse.

Agape93 · Answer

I like things simple. Want to be addressed female, I'll call you by female pronouns. Want to be addressed male, I'll call you by male pronouns. If I care about you, I can accommodate the they them pronouns, but that's it. I don't believe in the dozens of pronoun bullshit like clownself. If one tries to make me conform, I will push back. I won't have my speech be forcibly changed by some woke entitled brats.

Anonymous · Answer

I used to get asked 'Who are they? The cat's mother?' when I was a boy.

It is rude to refer to someone as they when they are present.

It is also just generally unhelpful as more often than not it is not clear who 'they' are. You can get away with it if you are only talking about something that happened between you and one other person but if you are talking about 2 other people it is unlikely that context will be enough, sooner or later the listener is going to have to ask 'who are they?' so it's simply better to learn to avoid over using 'they'.

Anonymous · Answer

For our generation it's not. I look at my dad as an example. He was brought up by older parents. He had it drove into him from an early age the "ma'am/sir" response. If someone "appeared" to look like a woman his mother would punish him for not calling them ma'am and opening doors for them, saying he was disrespecting them. Now he had that so ingrained into who he is its like a knee jerk response that you don't think about. It's not that he is being rude and will apologize if it brought up its just that's how he was conditioned to think.

Kinkyhubby · Answer

Because it is being force down our throats on everything. I will call you as I see you, so don't throw a hissy fit, if I get it wrong. For all I know you can identify as a toaster oven that day. There are only 2 sixes, male or female. That Is what your are. How you identify yourself is your choice, but I don't have to follow it. Years ago we had girls that dressed as boys, they where called tomboy. And year later most of they grew up to be women. This os an adolescent and young adults, that are screaming for attention in my view.

Anonymous · Answer

I have very few issues with others using them, my primary issues come from when others try to mandate your choice of words, especially when being forced to use differing pronouns than you would use otherwise indirectly supports a belief you don't necessarily hold.

But one issue I do have with they/them pronouns is they/them historically is used to gender-neutrally refer to a group of people. If I say "they aren't too happy" people usually think I'm referring to multiple people. So it's usage now is more ambiguous and less intuitive.

You might not be a fan of the Babylon Bee, but whether you find the video humorous or not, parts of the video do exemplify the issues between they/them referring to a singular person as well as referring to multiple people.

https://youtu. be/r00xvXvGBtw

RavVid · Answer

They & them are plural words and if used in reference to a single person is just wrong.

Why should someone try to make speak incorrect English? OK that is not deep.

A person wanting to be referred to in the plural is daft and I don't want to associate with daft mad people.

Qdbrown · Answer

Because it's not necessary, it's confusing to people who have to juggle pronouns. It's asking a lot of people and strangers around you.

If someone told me they had a special pronoun, I would be respectful and then avoid them at all costs.

AmandaYVR · Answer

I don't care that much, but a general issue I do have is forming society around edge cases (minority numbers) instead of seeing it as a purely practical decision of majority numbers. There is a hell of a lot of special treatment going on nowadays. It's gone too far. It makes certain people seem extremely fragile, and demanding.

genericname85 · Answer

i have no "problem" with using the words they and them when adressing a group of people or if i'm speaking about someone i don't know anything about. i use correct grammar and biological gender in my language and i won't let anyone gaslight me into using their made up wrong words.

nolabels · Answer

I'll use the terms 'they', 'their', 'them' when relating a story about someone but choosing for reasons of privacy or irrelevance not to reveal the biological sex of the subject of the story. It sometimes requires a bit of grammatical manipulation to make those terms sound correct, but it is possible to do so.

No problem.

misfittoy · Answer

i dont care what anyone wants to be called, its their life if they aren't hurting anyone. as i told one user on here who had a tantrum when i included non binary in a post, you dont have to agree with someone to be kind. i have no problem but first and foremost identify people with their name before anything else.

Paul_in_Indy · Answer

I have no problem with the use of plural pronouns. When you need to refer to a group of people, you need a pronoun that will apply to all of them at once. (See, I just used it, myself!) In fact, plurality makes a pronoun more useful, not less. I might consider it a bit impersonal for you to say, “him,” instead of “Jonathan;” but if there are a group of people, you need a plural pronoun. Who has a problem with that?

Andres77 · Answer

Changing language usage, mandating behavior others because they feel like it is demeaning and domineering. Forcing my whims on others because of how I feel does not contribute to a free society. It gives more rights to some. It establishes a new caste system. It’s manipulative.

boggboss · Answer

Seeing something as stupid is a good enough reason though the same way if someone was at my house about to eat a meal then asked me to pray for it I would tell them they can pray and continue eating for me tho I'm not actively trying to upset someone if I need to talk to them so will just avoid and construct what I say in a way that dont have he/she/they

shortster · Answer

It is third person plural. It is bad enough that you are referring to yourself in the third person; but now you think that you are a group of people. You need to go back to first person singular. And only go to first person plural if there are actually other people besides yourself.

Anonymous · Answer

Throughout the hundreds of thousands of years of human history there have only been 2 biological sexes, and now all of a sudden in the last 10 years, less than 4/100,000% of that time, there are suddenly 50 new sexes we're supposed to just shut up and contend with, when our brains know otherwise? Retards.

loveslongnails · Answer

My "problem", according to some snowflakes, is I just don't accept that you can choose to identify as something and declare it to be its own gender. But rather than get hung up it all the brouhaha, I choose to call you either by your given name, or "you", or the "individual in question". LOL Today however, I decided my pronoun will now be "Spock". That's it, just "Spock". :)

Anonymous · Answer

The idea of gender being a thing at all makes no sense to me, its pointless. Even if you experience behavior that is opposite for what is typical of sex you are born as, that doesn't make you the opposite sex. This still applies even if you experience behavior that fits neither sex.

Prior to ten years ago, no one had a problem with being called a male or female because they fit those physical characteristics including their reproductive roles because that was all that mattered.

Now they want us to accept who they are (even though they technically couldn't accept themselves) even to the point where many of them want it to be a crime not to. As we have seen for many trans individuals growing up, they eventually give it up and realize the mistake they made for getting the surgery done.

Guanfei · Answer

Because there's only 2 "genders" that are clearly identified by commonly used pronouns, and I don't see why I'd bow down and follow whatever bullshit someone is trying to force down my throat.

Wanna identify as a tennis ball? Cool, you're still a dude to me, and I'll call you a dude.

TroyDT2 · Answer

They and them are plurals, so that is how I use those terms. People can call themselves Supreme Commander of the Universe for all I care, but I am not going to be coerced into going along with their fantasies.

Anonymous · Answer

People like to be angry at little things to start controversy, like the right wing. The right-wing claims that the left-wing is snowflake pussies, and yet, they are too scared to talk about critical race theory.

Critical race theory is something that professors have always taught. It's too uncomfortable for them to hear about slavery and discrimination.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/Z88ZiCWUTlA

Anonymous · Answer

I have ZERO issues with it until i am forced to use them to address someone. Im sorry i refuse to use something that is both incorrect language wise, as well as incorrect biologically..

Its sad we are in a country where people can lose their job for misgendering someone, and even in some places go to jail for it, But people dont get in trouble for calling for the death of trump, it is in fact encouraged.

So i am sorry if i refuse to feed into your delusions.

BlueScorpio · Answer

Because it doesn't make sense, they/them has always referred to a group of people not a singular person. Who else am I talking to?

Anonymous · Answer

I don’t have a problem with it at all. I respect anyone pronouns. I just struggle with it so much because my brain automatically thinks of multiple people instead of one person. Especially if it’s written and people are referring to one person as ‘they’. It throws me off a lot and takes me a while to realise. I don’t know why.

Anonxmous · Answer

Its fine actually , but there are some they s that use it in a annoying- stupid way , we can accept all genders but not stupidity in the name of freedom i mean i can't really tell u how , but some people especially Americans are really really stupid about it. So...

jennifer_bloom · Answer

I believe some people try to enforce order to make themselves feel more important while others do not know the difference between a lack of attraction and a lack of respect for somebody. It's fine to disagree but hatred is self destructive.

normalice · Answer

My only problem is that it is plural. If we came up with gender-ambiguous pronouns that were singular, I'd use them for pretty much everyone whether they asked me to or not.

ProVox · Answer

Grammatically incorrect; I refuse to intentionally sound stupid and uneducated. Like saying, "woke," it's dumb af and makes anyone who says it look sound like a fool.

Anonymous · Answer

I just always tried to fit into the world instead of trying to make the world fit me. People call me she/her because I’m a girl and look like a girl. If they called me something else because I was dressed like a boy then I guess that’s ok too. Why should I make people do anything because of my feelings? They don’t know my feelings or care about them. Demanding someone use your preferred pronouns just seems very entitled and demanding.

AsaKyo · Answer

It just doesn't make any sense to me and I don't see what the point of it is unless you see some group of people somewhere and wonder, "Are they looking for something?" or "What are they doing?"

HighValue · Answer

1. It shows they they are a liberal which means I don't like them.  2. "They" is plural.

Chazmatazz269 · Answer

I have no problem whatsoever with people using whatever words they prefer for themselves. It’s people who insist on trying to force ME to use THEIR preferred words that is problematic.

OC1990 · Answer

Commenting to read replies. Inclusivity is always important. If I call Mr Smith “Mrs” I’m sure he would be quick to correct me and then I respect his pronouns and we move. Easy.

CruelSun7 · Answer

I don't have any problem but I find it useless and unncessary. I literally have no idea what they mean and what they are used for and I am not an old fashioned person. It just seems so senseless to me.

Anonymous · Answer

The problem is that the word has a definition already and it does not apply to just one singular person. The problem is that the person with the preferred pronouns demands that you use them with the threat of legal action or financial penalty. The problem is that they will use their power to force you out of your job and livelihood for not affirming their delusion.

SmokinAces2000 · Answer

I don’t care but it doesn’t make sense too me, so someone just wakes up one day and decides that they don’t want to be a gender. Granted it’s not the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard like people wanting to be called ze and zir

Dinosaursandanime65 · Answer

I only use those for humans who ACTUALLY have a REAL genetic mutation which makes them genderless and for animals if I don’t know the individual’s gender. Like the new- no never mind I already knew she is girl. Dinosaur

GreatVallue · Answer

What was so bad about the standard pronouns?

spartan55 · Answer

I wouldn't enjoy the mental gymnastics required to properly conjugate the right pronoun to the right moron... poorest social ROI ever...

Dkc123 · Answer

Coz system is designed as per fand for 'he' and 'she' and it goes with nature.
If 'they/them' comes it creates chaos in both the system and nature. And only 'he&she' would have to deal with it. That's just too much work.

Account · Answer

There is no problem at all. I have no issue with using the pronouns that other people feel more comfortable with.

Kebler · Answer

I don't think that it is a problem, if I don't know what or who "they" are... I will simply say they.

joeldalton · Answer

People who make up pronouns for themselves are delusional. I’m under no moral or ethical obligation to indulge someone else’s delusions.

BarryLiverstone · Answer

One challenge I have seen is when someone chooses to use it in specific situations. That’s inconsistent and leads to stress. You understand what I mean?

HippieVeganJewslim · Answer

We have no problem with it. We respect they/them, ze/zir, xe/xir, and other non-binary pronouns. I think it’s not stupid or anything similar. I just hate when my stepfather calls my love, who uses the they/them pronouns as she/her/woman.

Beerluvr · Answer

It’s the cool thing to do. I will call it stupid. You are a male or female. It’s pretty simple. Identify as what ever the heck you want. But in the end you are male or female.

Cubus · Answer

You can call yourself whatever you want, but you can;t force someone to play this. When I was younger, I used to identify as a pirate, but didn't expect others to do such towards me.

Deserter · Answer

Because it's nonsense, they just want attention. I'll call a guy a girl and vice versa if they like, I can respect that. But zir, they, etc, I don't believe they feel that. He and she actually represents something

Anonymous · Answer

Not with me per se, but I find that a lot of people have a problem because it’s like ‘teaching an old dog a new trick’. Most are too lazy to learn the ever evolving/ moving parts of society.

inhua · Answer

nothing. just don't force me to speak a certain way.

SomeGuyCalledTom · Answer

I don't have a problem with them using it so long as they don't have a problem with me not using it.

Genuinely what is your problem with people using they/them pronouns?

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