Interesting perspective on the purpose and firm of apologizing… what do you think?

Question

“”The best way to say sorry is not to say sorry at all, unless you have done something intentional and you felt wrong and guilty about it. See, people your apologize are precious to you. Your value is affected by saying sorry or apologizing to people. So unless you do something wrong INTENSIONALLY and feel bad about it do not say sorry. Make your apology creditable..

Now what do I say instead of saying sorry? Or what do I do to make it up to someone who you have disappointed?

See, first of all you are not the one who disappointed them, it's just that they expected something out of you and they got disappointed..
It isn't wrong to expect something out of someone either.
SO THIS IS WHAT YOU DO.
Rather than saying "SORRY", say "THANK YOU". Appreciate them for what they have done for you. Understood?
Say, you are late to meet someone for about an hour, and they waited for you for an hour. Don't go and say "I am so sorry for being late, sorry but there was traffic." Say "oh I am so late, thank you for being so patient and for waiting for me, traffic was terrible today."
Another
Say, you have disappointed some one, say you fail to do something. You don't go and say "Sorry, I couldn't do it, sorry for disappointing you, I hope to do better next time." The other person won't appreciate your apologize. But, if you say something like. "Thanks for keeping your hope on me all this time, I know I couldn't do what you wanted but next time I will try my best."
Guy try it it's like magic.
The power of a thankyou is amazing.

Remember
Don't say sorry, say thank you. “”

Lliam · Accepted Answer

That's an interesting thought. And it makes sense under many circumstances.
For the reasons you mentioned, it's not good to apologize constantly.

At the same time, I don't agree that it's only appropriate to apologize when you did something intentional to hurt someone. For example, there have been many times when words came out of my mouth that I didn't even mean. It wasn't even what I meant to say and I knew it as soon as I said it. Then I saw the person's expression.

Like, one time a women who I loved and had been living with for almost two years said "I think you only want me for sex." It wasn't true at all. I loved everything about her. I replied "I find that..." and then I couldn't think of the right words and blurted "insulting".
I wasn't insulted at all. What I felt was hurt, sad and confused.
I apologized and took it back. Then I tried to explain what I really felt and how much I loved her.
Over the next few days, I processed what had made her feel that way and I came to realize that I had failed to demonstrate how much she meant to me. I had inadvertently taken her for granted.
She hadn't tried to hurt my feelings. She had expressed how she felt and was searching for reassurance.

Another time, when my band was rehearsing, I had a new drummer who was amazing. There was one particular song that I wanted to tweak We had gone over what Ihad in mind.
So we started playing the song and, when we got to the part that I wanted to differently, he didn't do it. I stopped and said "No." He said, "But I played it exactly like the record" and I snapped "I don't care what they do on the record!"
I immediately realized that I had been a dick. This guy was a studio quality drummer, above my skill level. And he was fairly new to the band.
I apologized profusely for my reaction.

There have been many other instances like these.

One time, I accidentally bumped into the back of someone's car with mine. Fortunately, there was no damage, but the owner was upset. I apologized profusely.

So there are times when an apology is appropriate even when what you said or did was not intentional.

Maybe_Maybe_not · Accepted Answer

Interesting elaboration up there, intellectually speaking, however the result is somewhat of a mixed bag to me, as I have a bad feeling somewhere, let's see why?

In general, I'd say I agree with this concept that overly being sorry, as described by @Zack-Bann can cover up something terrible in one's personal construction, when someone is in fact constantly "sorry to exist". In that case, it needs to be addressed for obvious well-being reasons.

Now, replacing sorry with thank you. Well, while I understand the good in what is suggested, the relation to value etc. Still, I have this impression that it is manipulative. Manipulative in the sense that, in the example of being late for an appointment, an only "thank you for your patience" discard responsibility and replace it with a positive statement instead... You know what I mean? I'm not fan of how things are turned here.

Besides, in how this entire take has been phrased, it looks like a wannabe life coach input, as their inputs are usually based on behavioral replacement. It looks terribly artificial to me, even dangerous, to consider ourselves and others as behaviours instead of complex spirits, instead of complex identities.

It smells like CBT's influence here, right? Hehe, I distrust this approach to people, I don't want to see folks as machine-based behaviors. No, I'm philosophically, and politically, opposed to these worldviews.

CupcakeTheDestroyer · Accepted Answer

This is applying customer service logic to anxiety. This is not about actual apologies, just a critique on the use of the word “sorry” in every day speech. I was told in a call center that you don’t say “sorry for the wait” when you put someone on hold, you say “thank you for your patience” because that takes the responsibility off of you as the employee trying to provide a service but instead places it on the customer who needs to wait.
If you pull this shit on me after hitting my car, accident or otherwise? We’re fighting. I want an apology at the minimum and if I don’t get it, your shit is getting fucked up if not by me then by the insurance companies.

sage2021 · Accepted Answer

Some people are fashionably late on purpose. I worked for a lady once and she was constantly late for the department's Monday morning meetings. We were all on time and ready, but all of us had to sit there, waiting for Maureen to make her grand entrance to our meeting. She liked the personal attention when everyone would stop their conversations while waiting for her when she walked in the door.
She never said thank you for waiting for me. Nope! She liked being late and did it on purpose!! 🙄

Zack-Bann · Answer

When I met the guy who later became my best friend for last 10 years he was a well mannered shy little kid who said sorry in every sentence.

One day my brother brought him to our house and sat there arms and legs spread apart talking to him.

He was very smart and clearly had heart of gold but I got irritated by the constant and needless apologizing so I eventually sort of snapped at him and said
“Why do you keep saying sorry before and after every sentence? Stop apologizing! Just say what you mean and mean what you say”

He was visibly lost for a few seconds since he wanted to apologize again.

The next time I saw him something had changed. He became assertive, a natural leader, unwavering no matter the circumstances

And now a decade later he’s commando paratrooper Sergeant in the military jacked like a tank with the attitude to match.

And every time I see him without fail he always reminds me of that day and says

“YOU set me on this path. If I hadn’t met you I would still be that shy little kid who never achieved anything”

So yeah. Apologies are great when needed but should not be the default way to deal with people

lightbulb27 · Answer

Wow, that's really good actually. Especially the rational in first few sentenaces. My wife corrected me many times on saying "sorry", which is a negative and lowering word. I was trained to be humble but that doesn't always work nor feels good to the other person.

So taking the energy up like that, can work a lot...

It's a little flawed as well... I think it depends upon whom you are communicating to honestly. It is the receiver that is the important part right? See how presumptious it is to say "thank you". What if they are really aggravated and want you to suffer and feel their pain.

It is definitely food for thought on how to communicate to your audience... part of that then is knowing your audience, and reading them.

I wonder if some of this is cultural. don't know... if societies prefer to hear a certain thing. Can you imagine the US PResident saying to Putin..."sorry".. about instigatinug the Ukraine situation... just as an example. It can be a weakness, but it can also be extending a hand. Can you imagine accidentally running over someones dog with your car..."sorry" or thank you for being understanding is better? Or neither.

To a greater sense then how do we communicate our failings to God.

DrPepper12 · Answer

Not everyone is receptive to gratitude and that only works a few times at best.

What I think is really needed in USA anyway, Is an actual tutorial on when to say "I'm sorry" and when to say "excuse me". It annoys me to no end when people don't know the difference! 🤬🤬🤬

"Excuse me" is a polite expression used to get someone's attention, to request permission, or to navigate through a crowd.

Common Uses

Getting Attention: When you want to speak to someone or ask a question.

Example: "Excuse me, could you help me find this address?"

Navigating Space: When you need to pass by someone in a crowded area.

Example: "Excuse me, I need to get through."

Interrupting: To politely interject during a conversation.

Example: "Excuse me, but I have something to add."

I'm Sorry

"I'm sorry" is an expression of regret or apology. It conveys that you acknowledge a mistake or an unfortunate situation.

Common Uses
Apologizing for Mistakes: When you have done something wrong or caused inconvenience.

Example: "I'm sorry for being late."

Expressing Sympathy: To show compassion for someone else's misfortune.

Example: "I'm sorry to hear about your loss."

Acknowledging Discomfort: When you unintentionally cause discomfort or annoyance.

Example: "I'm sorry if I offended you

Aakash_Hangargi · Answer

I believe that hardly works in real life.
It might be taken as teasing and could be taken as pretentious.

It's not required to be that sensitive I think people will end up being more disappointed of you put that much positivity then they will assume you are capable of helping but not choosing too.

This has been my experience. re-state//background_color_rgba (0, 0, 0, 0), font_color_rgb (77, 77, 77), justifyLeft

Staximus · Answer

That's s bunch of bullshit and not taking accountability for your actions. If you're an hour late, you fucked up. There's no other way to slice that turkey, you just have to eat it. Say you're sorry unless you want to look like a narcissistic shitbag, and don't worry about some kind of bullshit power dynamics. Own your fuck ups.

WhitneySnow · Answer

Not sure. Pretty sure it’s better to say sorry when you mess up or even when someone wants you to do something and you don’t feel like it. Just sounds better than thank you, even if you don’t mean it.

Juxtapose · Answer

I mean sure, don't say sorry too much but at the same time it really shouldn't matter. Just say it when you think you owe someone an apology and if you catch yourself doing it too much, stop it.

Sevenpointfive · Answer

i don't like the way the question was asked. i'm not even sure it is getting the response you want because of this?

Jamie05rhs · Answer

Eh, sorry but I disagree. Lol. I think saying "I'm sorry" shows maturity, self-awareness, and humility.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

I will think about this.

Lynx122 · Answer

I do try and do that in my conversations.

Interesting perspective on the purpose and firm of apologizing… what do you think?

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

Interesting perspective on the purpose and firm of apologizing… what do you think?

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

We're glad to see you liked this post.