My boyfriend always plays video games when we are on phone/Skype?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I are currently long distance because of my job. We have been like this for about 3 months, and we have about 5 more months to go like this before I move back where he is. So every evening, he calls me so that we can talk, and I love that of course, but it seems that every time we are on the phone or Skype, he just... plays video games on his TV -___- I know he loves games, and I am absolutely not trying to get him to stop if that's his hobby, but it really bothers me that he will put his phone down so that I am staring at the ceiling while he plays his games and talks to me. I brought it up last night saying it bothers me because when I talk to him on Skype, I want to be able to see him and actually talk to him without him being so distracted. I proposed that he is welcome to play his games any time he wants, and he can call me to talk when he doesn't, that way we keep the two separate. He got really upset when I said that, saying "Oh come on, why can't I do both, don't make me chose." I just don't understand why it's SO important for him to play those games! And especially at the same time as talking to me. It just sucks because many times when he called me I would turn off my TV and not watch one of my favorite shows because I wanted to give him my full attention. But he has to play video games? Like he can't do that another time? He also said "when you move back here, I promise I will never do that, like you sitting next to me and me playing games, it's just I want to play them and this is the only time I have to play and to talk to you." I feel bad because I know he has little free time (he works a lot) so I don't want to take away his games/hobbies from him. At the same time, when I talk to someone, I expect their attention to me. Am I crazy here? Am I being too demanding? It just makes me feel like he doesn't love me as much as he says he does, because he can't even put away a stupid game to talk to me :/

[madhatters4]

it is a 100% legit request. he should be able to devote the small amount of time to you and regardless of what he may think it is nearly impossible to game without being distracted.

tell him since you don't get to see him that this is a really special time for you and you would hope that he would see how special it is as well. it's essentially like a date. tell him you don't want to make demands but it is a fair request that he not do things that require that he not give you his full attention.

perhaps you can compromise he can have a TV show on in the background or something like that but the notion that he can process all that is going on in his gaming and give you his attention is not realistic and it's a bit selfish to not give you the attention one deserves when they are your significant other whom you don't see often

[Asker]

That is almost exactly what I said to him :) That since we are apart, this is the only time I "see" him and don't want to stare at his ceiling and have him only talk to me or address him when there are some breaks in his game. He seemed upset, like he wants to really do both at same time. I told him we can separate those, but I think he is worried that he won't have time to both game and talk to me because he has little free time. I don't want to upset him, but I know it will keep bothering me.

[Asker]

And yea, I agree with you regarding the attention part. I don't want to just lay there with my phone on Skype and wait for him to address me, while the other time he just plays the game and I am sitting there quietly. It's just so boring to me. He even said himself at one point "Sorry, I am being selfish" - but then he continued playing! He said something about feeling like a part of that gaming community and that it's important to him... but come on! How can virtual world be THAT important? lol

[madhatters4]

to me that sounds like it borders on addiction to gaming. when anything starts to impact your relationships you have to wonder if you have a healthy relationship with that object and it sounds like his is a bit unhealthy. How long are you two talking that he doesn't have time to game at other times?

[Asker]

Well I work 9am-5pm, and he works usually 4pm-12am. So it will usually be after 12am, when I am like falling asleep and he is just getting home and trying to play his games... I guess he could play them before 4pm, but he has school stuff to do usually during that time... So I understand his limited time, but I still would like our phone/video calls to just be about us talking to each other, not multitasking.

[madhatters4]

your schedules are tough. perhpas start suggesting a compromise. if there are options or alternatives it may make it easier for him to see that you aren't simply trying to limit his gaming but are willing to work with him. it doesn't mean he plays video games but maybe he waits til you two are off the phone or perhaps you establish another time to talk...perhaps a compromise will work

[blackkid4]

You are not crazy. Inform him of this and make a day specific to where he MUST sit and ogle you. I mean that genuinely and not in a fashion that would insult you. Everyone wants that 100% attention at some point.

[Asker]

Yeah, to me it's not even that I am a big attention wh*re, and he can engage in his hobbies whenever he wants. I don't even need him to call me every day honestly, every other day would be fine too. I do love talking to him, but when he is playing his games I feel like I am sitting there waiting for my "time slot" in between game levels to talk to him. Like, I am not going to spend 3 hours on the phone and get actual 10 minutes of talking to him, you know? I don't know why he got so upset :/

[blackkid4]

He gets upset because he believes that he is "sacrificing" something when he isn't. The failure to understand that you feel this way creates a "Not a big deal" mentality in the other person; he sees you as wanting to just make him quit playing, and you see him as not wanting to give you the time of day, so when the communication waves run against one another you have this problem. If he saw it how you see it, or vice versa, then there's some common ground to work from.

[Asker]

Yeah, I tried to explain to him that I just like talking to him and that I am not trying to deprive him of playing games. I told him that it's just the only time of the day I get to talk to him, and I value that time and want to be able to see him and actually TALK, not stare at his ceiling and just get some attention during his "game breaks." He seemed not to understand why that bothers me, I guess he is thinking of it as being on phone and me not seeing him either. I can't understand this :/

[blackkid4]

I see. Then talk is cheap. Tell him that if he refuses to talk to you instead of playing videogames you will just leave, and then start doing it; he simply must not be allowed to have it both ways where you and his little entertainment are at his whim. If he can't pause his games and knows you are coming he shouldn't start to begin with. I am not suggesting you create a schism, per se, and stop talking to him; give him the same amount of opportunities but far less attention if he's "distracted".

[Anonymous]

I didn't read everything, I would suggest not do the phone thing daily...maybe every other day or less...get yourself busy let him miss you more...have something to talk about when you do Skype .