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I will be speaking mostly about the iPhone and Mac as they are Apple’s Flagship products, but best believe that this applies to EVERY apple product there is.
Before you begin, I’d like to state that I am FULLY AWARE that I am speaking from a biased POV, I fully understand that I am generalizing when I say “Apple users”, I understand that people only call support when there is an issue (for the most part), but it doesn’t mean that what you will read below, is not true. There will be name calling, and use of profanity, but I will swear, I am only using it to emphasize the words, and for the readers to feel my pain.
1. Learn about the fucking product first, before you buy it.
You don’t go up to a car dealership, look at all the cars available, pick one, fill out the paperwork, everything checks out, the dealer hands you the keys, and you turn around and ask the dealer to teach you how to drive it. Do you have any idea how moronic that is? I had heard that people don't read manuals anymore, but this is just ridiculous.
2. Do some fucking troubleshooting first.
Like for real, advisor experience has just been that these callers, they are used to something working a certain way, the moment it stops, they don’t even BOTHER trying anything. If it doesn’t affect the products ability to call, these geniuses will make a call on the same device that needs to be looked at. Like first and foremost troubleshooting is to turn the device off and turn it back on again. At the very least try that first and if it continues, then grab ANOTHER phone and call Apple Support. Best practice, if you are calling for an iPhone problem, call from ANOTHER phone. The smart ones will at least Google the issue, but I've found out that Apple users tend to lack common sense. Most don’t even know how to power cycle their devices.
An advisor once got a call from a lady who had just purchased an iPhone 12…she called saying that the device was working and all of a sudden went black, will not come back on. The advisor asked her if she had the power cable nearby…she said yes. Advisor told her to plug it into the phone, she did. Next thing, OH, the apple is coming up…
The battery was dead. The genius didn't think it needed to be charged.
3. Apple Advisors have less access to your information than you think.
You know how irritating it is when some morons call and go “I don’t want to repeat my issue, read your notes”…umm, do you think there are transcripts of your call automatically gathered in “notes” or that the advisor you talked to left like detailed notes on your issue? 7 times out of 10 there ARE no notes. That’s why advisors ask again.
If you are calling about a password or verification issue and you are told you have to go into account recovery, it says it right there “Apple Support cannot help you!!” but when they see they have to wait a few days to reset password, what is the first thing they do? Call Apple support.
Apple TV users, if something is not fucking playing on your apple TV because you have shit internet speeds, calling apple support will NOT help your internet, if its buffering every few seconds…THAT’S YOU!! Apple TV doesn’t generate its own internet, neither will it speed yours up. You get all of 30Mbps download but you want to watch Apple TV movies in 4k…that ain't gonna happen.
Also, stop saying that Apple did something to your information, Apple doesn’t even let advisors view your information, much less have the ability to reach into your device and manipulate your data. YOU are the idiot that deleted your data, YOU are the idiot that moved it and don’t know where you put it, YOU are the person that clicked "OK" on a pop up without reading it, and now you wonder why your device beeps every 13 mins…etc. I can go on forever.
Speaking of which…when did it become the manufacturers issue when you lost data? Remember the digital cameras back then? Pictures used to get lost too back then, no one called Sony, or Nikon, or Kodak etc. and told them to put the pics back. But iPhone users have one missing pic and all of a sudden Apple HAS TO put it back…fuck off.
4. Apple support is made up of Advisors….not Experts, Advisors…. not Geniuses, ADVISORS!!
…whose job it is to do what you could have done yourself. Apple just LOVES to exaggerate shit so people feel like Apple is the shit but, Experts? Geniuses? Really? The “Experts” who sit on the phone to answer petty problems, and Geniuses who repair broken devices…do those sound like experts or geniuses to you? Sounds like customer service and tech support to me.
What do you think happens when someone becomes an Apple Support Advisor? What? You think they get spirited away on Apple’s private jet, to the secret Apple Island, they eat apples every day and sing the Apple anthem each morning and night? where they are given every Apple product known to man and are drilled on ALL aspects of all of them for the next 2 years, then planted on phones to deal with idiots that can’t even remember a password???Biometrics were made for CONVENIENCE…not as a “you will never need your passcode or password” way out.
No, I see an Advisor’s job as a Triangle…there is the customer who is calling, that’s the first part of the triangle.
The customer picks up the phone and calls Apple support (customer –>advisor [ / ]),
the next part of the triangle, customer explains what is going on and the advisor then goes to support.apple.com, which is available and FREE online, and researches the problem (advisor ->support.apple.com [ _ ] ) ,
last part of triangle, advisor then READS said instructions found on the site back to the customer (advisor –>customer [ \ ]), thereby….triangle /_\.
The people you talk to are regular people, JUST LIKE YOU, and most of them are just as clueless about your issue…JUST LIKE YOU!! So lower your fucking expectations a bit when you call, it’s not all tech geniuses sitting on the phones. Maybe once in a while you will meet someone with tech smarts, but believe me 95% of advisors use the triangle (support.apple.com).
When I was “trained” on Apple software, Photos, iMovie, and Pages, the “training” lasted all of 3 days, for ALL THREE software, then I answered 5 questions in total for all the “graduation” test, and was put out on the phones as an “Expert” and to take calls and help people that have been using the software for over a decade, who call THINKING they are talking to an expert not some clueless bastard (which I was). This section brings me to the next section…
5. Stop asking for a Sr. Advisor (T2) right off the bat.
This one I understand a little bit, if for every time you have called Apple Support, you never really get any kind of solution or feel like any progress was made until you were escalated to a senior advisor, it’s only natural to not want to waste your time and skip to where some action will actually happen. But read No. 4 again…EVERYONE on there is just like YOU!! Senior advisors are not gods, that Jr advisor that you skipped today, could be a senior advisor tomorrow; senior advisors are merely junior advisors who TRY HARDER. Why, you ask? Why do they try harder? Simple, because there is no one to pass the call off to. They are the end of the line.
That also goes to the morons who then ask the Senior Advisor to speak to THEIR supervisor, how stupid are you? Do you think the tech world is like Wal-Mart or some other store where if you get the manager, they can bend the rules for you? In the tech world, the grunts (Advisors) are the smartest ones cuz they do the field work constantly, the higher up you go, the less likely you will meet anyone who knows better than the Sr Advisor you are trying to pass up. ALSO, there are three components to a call; you, the tech you are calling about, and the advisor. Do you know who has the most power? The tech. Because whatever it says…goes. If it’s going to take 3 hours to do a process, by Gertrude, it WILL take three hours and there is NOTHING you or the advisor can do…escalate all the way to Tim Cook or the MOON, it will still take 3 hours.
Sr Advisors aren’t gods with unlimited power and can snap their fingers and your issue is fixed.
The real experts, are working on your issues in the background, making updates and corrections, etc, and don’t have the time to come to a phone and argue with you and your petty issues.
6. Threatening to leave Apple and never get an Apple product again.
Lol, PLEASE!!!!!!! Do it. Telling advisors that actually make them happy, there will be one less entitled fucking moron calling and making demands like advisors make the damn products and know it inside out.
So go ahead, advisors actually encourage it, because, again, they are JUST advisors. Each advisor took the job to HELP and advise people on HOW TO use Apple Products. But you are mad
“…because your iPhone can’t get up in the morning and bring your coffee to you and it should be able to.”
Advisors don’t care what YOU think your device SHOULD be able to do, they guide you through what it was MEANT to do. If you don’t like it? Again…leave Apple. I personally have all Samsung products, and that was before my now deep bias toward Apple users.
So go ahead and leave, for every Apple user that leaves, 3 more join. Why? Because people today don’t want to read, they don’t want to think. With other brands, you have to do that, but with Apple, why think? When you can just call Apple Support and the “expert” will just walk you through what you need to do. So…leave. Start using your brain again.
It’s called Apple support, not Apple’s Magic Line, or Apple’s Request-a-Feature Line.
7. Yelling, will not get you anywhere, matter of fact, it does the opposite.
There are rules and policies that advisors have to follow, especially Sr Advisors. You bought an expensive product and didn’t put insurance on it and now its broken and they tell you the cost of the fix and you lose your shit and request to speak with a Sr. Advisor. The senior advisor is only going to tell you the same thing and then you get belligerent and start yelling and threatening to leave Apple due to your own stupidity.
Here’s a kicker though, a Sr Advisor has the ability to make that fix free if they wanted, but who wants to pay for some idiot that was too stupid to put insurance on their expensive device and is now yelling in their ear? Would YOU pay for a fix for them??? You have a much much better chance if you just admit you were stupid and ask politely for a pass. I’m not saying it will happen, remember? policy, but you will have a much much better chance.
There were times I could have waived hundreds of dollars in fixes for some people but they called in yelling about how Apple is worth billions and cannot spare $400 for a fix. Umm, if apple for ONE DAY were to do every fix free, it will cost MILLIONS, now think 2 days, or 3, and slowly, they won’t be worth billions anymore. So umm, yea, shut up.
8. When a device has to run a process, stop asking how long it will take.
First of all, advisors are human beings JUST LIKE YOU!! So if YOU don’t know how long it’s going to take, dollars to donuts, the advisor you are talking to, doesn’t know as well. In No. 4, I stated the exaggeration of “Experts” and “Geniuses”, with this one, I’m adding that advisor are not Psychics either.
9. Stop asking WHY your issue happened.
I know to you, it makes sense; you may want to know why, so you can prevent it in the future. In some cases if the HUMAN ADVISOR knows what it is, they will tell you and email you the instructions they used that told THEM why. In a LOT more cases, according to No. 8, advisors aren’t psychic, the only way advisors can know what stupid thing you did that messed up your device is if they were there right next to you the whole time, and they weren’t.
Another part to this is that, some of these issues are deep rooted and if an advisor started to explain it, it will come with tech jargon, which they will now have to explain and it takes too long so why even start…?
10. Stop telling advisors how many Apple products you have.
That’s not going to get you any special treatment, might actually do the opposite. Like “you have 50 apple products but it never occurred to you to put insurance on the devices or even better, read the fucking manual? You have been with apple for 20 years but you don’t know the company repair policy??”, to the stupid pile you go. Trust me, regardless of how many apple devices you have, that advisor has communicated with someone who has more. Does that mean the person with more devices should skip you in the line? Should it be Device based? The more devices you have, the better you are treated? The more magical solutions you can get? GTFOH.
11. Stop telling advisors how many degrees you got, or how important your job is, or who you know etc. Basically, stop bragging.
Bottom LINE!!! “YOU called ME!!!”
For the Ph. degree one, once you state that, advisors automatically throw you in the “stupid” pile. Wait, you have 3 PhD’s but you can’t remember your password? You can’t go to support.apple.com to research your issue? You have all that, and yet you require MY help? So who is smarter in this scenario then?
For the job thing or who you know, same thing, either way, you called the advisor. And the advisor doesn’t know the person you know so that impacts the advisor in no way.
12. If you don’t have time to Troubleshoot, don’t fucking call.
Advisors have had calls where the customer goes, “ok, I have to be at a meeting in 10 mins, here is my issue”. Umm, by the time you are done stating your issue, that’s 4 mins left, by the time the advisor asks isolation questions and pulls up all the things from support.apple.com that they can use to help you, 10 mins are long gone. So if you call and you are going to put a time constraint on it, you are not going to get a solution…PERIOD. Have AT LEAST 30 mins- 2 hours of free time, before you call Apple Support.
Also, stop calling apple support while at work, and advisors have to hold off doing their job, while you go do yours. Not only is it rude, but if you were on the call and the advisor decided to take time off, put you on hold to go do something completely unrelated for a number of minutes, how would you feel? Get off work first and have the allotted time ready…THEN call.
Stop calling advisors while you are driving, again, there is NO MAGIC BUTTON. This situation is usually accompanied or happens with people that don’t even HAVE the device with the issue on or near them. So how is the advisor to fix it? Your Homepod wouldn’t connect to your phone in the morning, so you left it, and on your way to work, you call apple support to talk about it. What are you expecting? The advisor pushes the magic button under their desk and when you get home from work, Voila!!! Your Homepod is connecting???
If you are driving, Advisors are allowed to hang up on you, for yours and THEIR safety. Yes, some advisors have been mentally traumatized by being on the phones during bad traffic incidents.
13. “This should be so easy”.
We live in an era of instant gratification, “I want it, and I want it NOW!!”. In No. 5, I stated how people (morons) think that escalation to a supervisor will get their issue taken care of faster. Remember how I said that between you, the tech, and the advisor, the tech is the boss? And you can escalate to the moon and nothing will happen? This is why.
If you cannot read, understand or write a line of complex code, “this should be so easy” should NEVER EVER cross your lips. A lot of intelligent someones sat for MONTHS, YEARS to write code so moronic people can have the ease of just touching buttons. Your device interface wasn’t drawn on a notepad and it just came to life. It took YEARS of work…so when something goes wrong…it will take time. Look below.
You want easy? Go get a fucking flip phone. 3 functions, talk, text, contacts. That is where you belong if you want easy. If you want a phone that can do multiple things, while connected to multiple things, while connecting you to multiple things, then shut the fuck up and understand that sometimes, some wires will get crossed and when it does, it takes TIME to fix!!! Running through all that code to see what wires got crossed, that is like finding a pin, in a stack of pins. If you can do that, then sure, you have the right to say “This should be so easy”..while you are bleeding out everywhere with fifty thousand pins poking out of you.
Also, if you can do that, you wouldn’t NEED to call Apple Support.
14. “I googled it, it must be a well known issue”.
This part always gets me lol. There are BILLIONS of apple products out there, I'm pretty sure that just because about ten people have the same issue, that you read on some no-name blog, doesn’t mean it’s a “known issue”. A KNOWN issue is something that is so widespread, that fixes are worked on immediately, or could trigger a recall. THAT is a known issue.
If I lost my middle toe and googled “life without a middle toe”, I'm going to get results. Billions of people out there, there’s gotta be ONE person, in the same condition.
Advisors follow Apple’s internal “known issue” list. Your issue is out there, but it ain't known in here.
TO BE CONTINUED IN PART 2
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