I was encouraged by a similar post about Australia, and so here is my satirical guide to New Zealand for Americans.
The Lord of the Rings
Hobbiton, as seen in the Lord of the Rings and the Hobbit, is the Capital of New Zealand. It is populated almost entirely by hobbits, but they're very shy, so you might not see them if you decide to visit.
The Lord of the Rings (or, rather, Lady) is Jacinda "Toothy" Ardern, who for some reason came second in the election, and yet still won. Thanks, Winston Peters. She's great friends with Donald Trump, and they share a lot of similar ideals, such as violent racism, an ugly face, and impaired speech. Her Labour Party's election slogan this year was "Let's Tax This", and she wants to make a language spoken by only 50,000 people a compulsory language for all school children, and learnt alongside English, spoken by the majority of the country. That's not satire, it's true and bad.
If you want to meet Gandalf, never fear! Every New Zealander knows him personally, and will be happy to take you to him.
Kiwis and Aussies
Kiwi is the demographic name of New Zealand. But that doesn't really matter, because you're Americans, so you can call us whatever you want! Just make sure that it's something Australian, because we LOVE Australia so much. We especially love playing them in rugby. And that brings me on to my next point:
Above: You can clearly see the New Zealanders winning in this definitely legal fistfight against Australians. If you see someone punching someone else, don't worry. They're just pushing them with their fist and that makes it totally OK for some reason.
Sports
Sports is a key aspect of Kiwi culture, but we welcome any Americans putting down Rugby and Cricket, as we appreciate the criticism, especially the big, burly, strong Pacific Islanders, of which there are many. They LOVE it when you say that their sports are wussy or that they are stupid, because then they can smash your heads in and explain to you how American Football players wear pads, and Rugby players just man up and do it. So, please, take the piss, be annoying as hell. We love it. Don't worry if some Maori fella comes up and takes you away to slowly murder you. It's fine, because it's your fault.
Cricket is by far the best thing ever created. Just watch this video to find out how easy of a sport it is.
The most dangerous thing is you
That's right. My final point is that the most dangerous thing is you. There are no snakes, no dangerous spiders, hardly any rabid animals (unless you go for a tramp, which I doubt, because you're American), and so the most dangerous thing in New Zealand is actually the fat tourist looking for a Kid Fattening Centre, wearing his Uncle Sam hat and an I heart NY t-shirt, a loud mouth spraying insults at delicate locals. Please keep doing it.
We love you,
New Zealand
What Girls & Guys Said
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NZ is so about the All Blacks- i remember going through there after the unexpected loss to France in the 99 WC. And the whole country was in morning
Yeah, that day was terrible. I don't remember it, but it was the worst thing that had ever happened. It was because we were in silver gear.
the All Blacks are awesome. i used to idolise John Kirwan and Zinzan Brooks. I was heartbroken when Jonah lomu died. Also for pure atmosphere, the 'house of pain' in Dunedin rocks like few other
Zinzane Brooks was the greatest guy. John Kirwan was amazing as well. When Jonah Lomu died, literally the first 20 pages of the NZ Herald were taken up by his obituary.
He was such a gentle giant , Lomy. Such a good hearted fellow that brought joy to millions. That try against the English will live in the memory forever
And his great save, another against the English, where he lay on the ground under a Brit and prevented the try.
How that Blacks team failed to win the WC was almost unforgivable
They won it twice both the last times, and they'll win it again in Japan.
meant 'that' wc- very dim today- seniles kicking in :P
I thought the most dangerous thing in new zealand would be a serial killer that stalks a tourist all the way to another country
What? That's not... what? Who's that?
interesting
Thank you