How to handle a coworker after we hooked up

Sorry, but this whole "keep the past in the past" stuff is wearing me down. The only people I hear that from (and I hear it a lot) are people who make regretful choices and want to hide their excessive (in their opinion) sexuality under a rug. You can't take the past back. This guy already had you, it took the value away from your relationship, and you can't go back. People can forgive (for what it's worth) all day long, but people never forget. It's always burned in the subconscious and it effects how we perceive each person we associate with.

I've hooked up with many of my female friends, even some who were married, and so I speak from experience when I say this...

If it was a mistake, learn from it, forgive yourself, then let it go.

If he's giving you space right now then he's likely trying to do that same thing. Give him space, but stay friendly.

Sometimes we confuse sexual attraction for the intimacy our current relationships lack... but this doesn't mean we need to destroy the lives we're living to realize this. Perhaps this short fling has helped open his eyes up to his current lover, and perhaps it can do the same thing for you.

I'm still great friends with my past flings, mostly because I refused to judge her or myself afterward. When he's ready to start chatting again, he will. And when he sense you're not awkward about the whole thing, you'll both get along just fine!

Best of luck,
~ Robby

Full of Hate and Ready to Date? My Blog: link

He might feel you lead him on. Infact, given your age you did.

Either you have a deeper relationship with him, or you just have to let him go.

Though to be honest, if he's the kind of guy who just stops being a friend he's a bit weak. Mind you I don't know how you rebuffed his advances, maybe he feels massively hurt.

When you say affair, do you mean you are both married or that it was a small fling? If it includes two married couples then you shouldn't be doing that kind of nonsense in the first place. If it is just a fling then you may be taking it too quickly too fast or he was just trying to get a little romance. Either way, if you don't want to lose him as a friend occasionally, roughly once a day, say hi to him in passing and maybe make small talk. Gradually work your way up from there and see how it goes.

Does he KNOW how close you 2 got? Sounds to me like a classic case of mixed signals.
he prob WANTS to go all the way, and you sent signs of rejection.
after a implied rejection, he may NOT want to be friends at all. I tend to "shut down a lot of women after a rejection. too damn many times have I heard "lets just be friends"
if I had a dollar from every woman that told me that, I'd be a RICH but still LONELY single guy.
maybe he WANTS a LOVER and not another "just friend"

my point? if you want to be "just friends" be ready to be disapointed.

It sounds like your friendship is at risk. If you wish to salvage it, give him time and space. But a conversation on the side might help speed things up. Let him know you are OK with taking things back to Friends Mode, and you can both pretend nothing else happen. You should both be mature enough to agree that anything more than friendship is no longer an option, but mistreating each other after the fact is not in either of your best interest.

Good Luck,
James

There's two routes: full openness and full closure. You can mentally block out everything to do with this tawdry affair, but that's not emotionally healthy. So just open your heart and mind and regard him and everyone else around you with charity and good will. If you cannot do that, go the repression route. If you cannot do that, suck it up and have a slightly difficult time at work. And if that won't fly, well then I guess you'll be leaving your job sooner or later.

I've been in this situation before as well. I handled it very immaturely by ignoring the person and pretending that she doesn't exist. If she ask me questions I'll keep it to one word answers. If I see her around I don't make eye contact with her. Basically avoid her as much as I can, not go out of my way, but still avoid her as much as possible. I do that because she was the one that put a stop to it and that really hurt me. No offense to one of the posters below, but for me it was emotional and it was not about the sex. I actually wanted to pursue the relationship but she could not leave her bf. I act this way because I honestly just cannot even look her in the eye anymore because I cannot stand the pain and emotional ups and downs I went through. The less interaction I have with her, the easier it is for me to move on and get through my day. And no offense to her either, but I don't want to remain friends after how much I was hurt by all of it. My friends are there for me to have fun, and it's far from fun to be reminded of all that. It's especially hard when the break up wasn't mutual because I will always like her as more than just a friend.

I guess what I'm trying to say is don't hold your breath that he will still be your friend after all this. Hope my own experience and my perspective helps you understand what might be going through his mind.

As you knew or discovered office relationships can be disastrous. There is no clean way out unless both parties are mature enough to agree to being just co-workers again -- a very unlikely outcome. (Men are worse at this than women IMHO) If you can talk to him about returning to civil/normal behavior do it. If you can't or think you can't, let it go. Over time, things will get less and less tense. What you don't want to do is make it worse by saying or doing something that will stir up the pot -- things will get more tense.

Sex can mess up the best of friendly relationships.

Give him time. Norah Vincent in her book "Self-Made Man" writes that men have an emotional scale of three notes, while women have three octaves, plus an orchestra and choir off to the side. He may not be able to keep up a friendship simply because he isn't capable of it. On the good side, time will help him to sort out his thoughts and feelings.

Ted

Don't fool yourself. Even if you do remain "just friends" you're going to have another affair. The feelings will still be there or come back. The best thing is to just let it go. Especially if one or both of you are married.

Honestly, your friendship is gone now. Look, he's giving you the cold shoulder. he's just being a d***head to be perfectly blunt. He obviously doesn't want anything to do wit you and has just given you the biggest snub ever! I have been given cold shoulder too-its really hurtful and you don't deserve it! I've learnt that its best just to move on asap! Don't even think of this creep-you deserve much better. why would you even want to be friends with him after he was avoiding you? honestly you can do so much better.

This is another example of the danger of taking a friendship and adding sex or dating to it. You risk losing the initial friendship. He is obviously uncomfortable with what happened and this is his best effort of dealing with it. You cannot go back to what you had before but give it time and see what comes of it.

tell him...kinda corner him or just show up at his desk so he can't make a scene. Tell him exactly that, be waaaay casual and tell him that. Say if he wants to get a drink sometime you are still down, but ready to put this behind you. Then be like see ya round and run off!

I would just send him a plain and simple e-mail saying:

Hi ---

I don't know why you seem to be giving me the cold shoulder after what happened. We work together and had a friendship before this, and it would be best if we just put what happened behind us. I enjoyed having you as a friend I don't want to come to work and feel unfomfortable everyday. I hope you agree with me!

----

it's like reading my own story. same exact thing happened to me. we are both married though. I think the initial flirting was just exciting for both of us. I think both your guy and mine probably shied off because they realized that their significant other is who they really want to be with and didn't want to jeopardize it. it's the first time I had ever even thought of cheating. he may/may not have. I didn't and now I'm glad because I realize it was just the "hunt" he was getting a thrill from. back off. don't ask him why. don't be the needy chic at work that won't leave him alone. it's hard. you'll go through a "mourning" period because you lost that emotional connection, but don't be fooled, it is never emotional for guys.. only sexual. there is no such thing as guy/girl friendships. if someone says there are, they're lying to themselves.

I would just ask "is everything alright'? I would then let him know how important the friendship is and leave it open for him to decided how to proceed.

He might feel as you do but does not know how to approach you and since he is only a friend, I think approaching him is ok.

Good Luck

The only thing you can really do at this point is talk to him. I know it sounds cliché but really? Don't have "'the talk"" at work if possible. In the meantime, just be yourself. By the way...are either of you married or involved cause if so then that could have something to do with it. After you get all of your answers... Don't mix biz w/pleasure! Love & Peace!