8 Reasons You Haven't Gotten Over Your Ex

8 Reasons You Haven't Gotten Over Your Ex

1. It really is too soon

If you really liked your ex, and you dated for a long time, and you're wondering why a month later, you haven't moved on yet, it might literally be too soon. You can't force yourself to just be done and over with someone right away, especially someone you shared a life with. It requires a bit of a mental shake-up, it may require you to get mad, to scream, to cry, to punch a pillow, to do some soul searching, and a lot of letting go of what you two had together, none of which you can just run from, because when you do, it's all running there right along with you no matter where you go to try to escape the feelings. You have to allow the process to unfold and to quite literally grieve your loss. Conversely, friends will do what friends do which is trying to get you back out, and back on your feet, and to help find your happiness again, but if you're still hurting, you can't change that on their time line because they aren't the ones who dated your ex, you did.

2. Hindsight Fantasy

You know when someone dies, and people talk about them at the funeral as if they were practically saints; that can be a lot of what happens in a break up. Despite how it happened, you can sometimes start to paint this incredible picture of how perfect your ex was. They never did anything or said anything wrong, they were the nicest, kindest person, etc. but it's easy to forget in this foggy cloud of memory and regret, why you broke up and how you got there. Most people don't just break up because a relationship was prefect. You need to know and begin to understand the reasons you are where you are, and not put your ex on a pedal stool. Friends can and do often let you know that what you think you remember and what actually happened where a lot different. You just have to allow yourself to clear the fog so you can see that too.

3. They've Moved On

If an ex moves on and you can't or haven't, it can be hard because you sometimes want to compare yourself to the new person. What have they got, that you don't? You're so much better than the new person, so why can't s/he be with you instead? This new person isn't right for him/her, but you are. How can your ex possibly be happy without you? And you might be right or maybe just edging on to crazy town, but when you broke up, you no longer have a say in what your ex does or doesn't do because they aren't in a relationship with you anymore. What they do is their business. It's natural to feel hurt or to want to compare, but if you go down that rabbit hole for too long, you'll spend your days so focused on what doesn't exist anymore or perhaps isn't even true, and you'll begin to miss out on starting to recover and move on in your own life.

4. You Haven't Forgiven Yourself

If you cheated on your partner, or you weren't as involved in the relationship as you could have been, or you were constantly disrespectful of your partner, or for whatever the reason you broke up, and you know that it was your fault you ended up where you are now, a major part of your recovery plan should be to take the lessons of your failed relationship and work on ways not to do the same thing again. You have to be able to forgive yourself for the person you were with them, and work on being a better person for the next person. Even if you managed to apologize for your past indiscretions, it doesn't mean your ex should or has to take you back or should even except your apology, but in some cases, moving on could mean you need to accept your own failings for yourself and grow to be a person worthy of a new and better relationship, so you can move on and stop trying to fix what you already broke. Somethings just cannot be salvaged.

5. Maybe you really do need to get laid

Yeah, sometimes you need some sexy time to shake loose the memories of the ex. If all you can do is picture his body, and everything she did with you, and you have no other vision of something to replace it with, getting laid can actually help. I would strongly advise you don't try to turn your first go round into anything serious until you've officially given yourself more time to heal on a deeper level, but a little fun, can be just the thing to turn things around for you so you can start thinking in more positive directions.

6. You're still pretending nothing has changed

Is your house, apartment, or bedroom still littered with the memories of your ex? Do you still go over to their parents house for Sunday Dinner or hang with his or her friends more often than your own? Have you refused to tell anyone you're no longer together, especially months later? Change is super hard as is being able to let go, but the fond memories you have are still saved up in your mind. You don't need to have constant daily reminders of what could have been in physical form, especially if it is really really REALLY over. Have a friend help you de-boyfriend or de-girlfriend your place. You may be tempted to hold on to things, but sometimes its easier if someone else dumps it all in box and gets rid of it for you in a great cleanse. It may still be painful and it may still hurt, but use this time to replace those items that reminded you of your partner, with new things that bring you new joy and happiness. Take their picture down and replace it with a picture of your dog or your best friend.

7. You're allowing your ex to play games

One minute you're breaking up and the next they are texting you wanting to get back together. You replay this game over and over and over again, each time thinking, this time will be different, but yet, here you are in the same exact position where you're pissed, and angry, but still grasping on to hope that they will change...this time. End this cycle because it only keeps you down, keeps you running back into danger, and keeps you from being able to fully move on. It isn't your sort of ex who needs to change here because you know who she or he is by now and what they're going to do...it's you who needs to grow up and move on to a steady and stable relationship or a life where you are working on making you happy. If you can't see it, pull up those old emails and texts and look at the vicious pattern of faux apologies, lies, and struggles you've been through just by trying to be together. A relationship is hard, but it should never be that hard.

8. There is nothing going on in your life

If your whole entire life was consumed by where you and you ex hung out, going to stuff they liked, or doing the same routine all the time, yeah, it may literally be a case of, what do I do without them. If you feel you have nothing to fill the hours of your day or your weekends anymore without spending time with them, you need to find new hobbies, new hangouts, work out, go back to school, re-connect with your friends and work on developing your own life. You are NOT helpless without your ex. I repeat...you are NOT helpless without your ex!


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Lol, well do to not being over my ex I've seen just about everything there is that deals with issues with the ex lol.

    But Nevertheless, AMAZING take. Very good points and facts made.

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    • Thanks. Sorry to hear you're broken up, but give it some time and you'll get there when you're ready.

    • Thank you for your kind words mate :)

Most Helpful Girl

  • This is a great MyTake!
    In my situation:
    #1: We've been broke up for 3 years and he is still constantly on my mind. This was my high school sweet heart. We dated for 3 years in high school on and off, then we broke up the summer after my freshman year in college.

    #3: We've both moved on. He's been in a steady relationship since we broke up and has one child. I've been in a couple relationships since we broke up and I've had one child. But he's still constantly on my mind.

    So I'm confused to why I can't completely get over him when we've been broken up for so long and have both moved on?

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    • Becuase u truly loved him

    • When you say, "moving on," that's relative. A person can move on to a new relationship and still very much be hung up on the last. It's why rebound relationships rarely work because the feelings are too raw. You're in a different situation because it's years later, however. In theory you have moved on but it might be a case of unfinished business.

      Thinking about someone we really liked or loved, despite breaking up, or in the case of their passing, is normal and natural even years later. Good memories don't just disappear when the relationship does. The difference is are they just good memories or are you still wanting and needing to be with this person despite current relationships. Are your break-ups largely over you trying to compare current relationships to him and them not stacking up, are you constantly following them on social media in a way that is not for friendship purposes... i. e. you want to see who they're dating, what they're doing with them.

    • You may have never fully gotten closure either. Yes you broke up finally, but was that enough? Did you say everything you needed or wanted to say at the time? Do you still need to get some things off your chest. Sometimes a person just needs to say what they didn't to that person, so that they can finally release themselves from living in the shadow of a past relationship.

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What Guys Said 12

  • Im getting out of number 7, i allowed her to play games with me, its been a year since she broke up with me and after dating for a while and she making me believe we were going to have something and been fuck buddies she cut me loose because i didn't have much cash one night, basically that was the reason.

    she complained about me acting like a momma bear with my money (i told her i didn't have a good job not even working 40 hrs and that didn't stop her from asking me for things and getting mad if i didn't lend her money or whatever, called me cheap in front of her friend and cut me loose via chat)..

    days later hitting me up and saying shit like tthe fact that she doesn't want to be with me doesn't mean we shouldn't be friend, i didn't reply and haven't talkd to her ever since... fucking stupid childish FUCKING ASSS FUCKING BITCH and IM A FUCKING MORON FOR LETTING THAT BITCH PLAY WITH ME! AND I KNOW SHE LIKES SOME OTHER DUDE NOW, STUPID GOLD DIGGER PIECE OF SHIT

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  • This is a great take, and its all true. Great job!

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  • It's times like this I'm actually thankful I've never had to deal with a breakup. God bless everyone.

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  • i have moved on but something in the back of my mom keeps pulling me back she was my first. i don't talk to her or try talking to her. its veen 2 years

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    • Not making light of the topic, but that was a most unfortunate spelling error.

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    • that's one, but I was referring to the sentence that reads: "something in the back of my mom keeps pulling me back she was my first."

    • Lol holy shit i didn't even send that lol sounds so wrong. But yea something in the back of my mind

  • Lots of good advice in there for people with breakup hangovers

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  • For me it would be that they have moved on with their life. I never moved on with my life and that's what I regret.

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    • In what way haven't you moved on? Are you interested in dating someone new?

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    • @Sandrino Do you feel you must get over her before you can love someone new, or do you think you just need to meet the "right" person?

    • @askuser

      I still think of her and she was the first girl that I ever asked out and had a crush on.

  • I was with a #4 and was acting like #7 after she told me she cheated until I stopped contacting her. Now even though its been 1 year she still tries to contact me as a "friend". Im not even sure why, since, she told me how much better the other guy is and i dont know why i still feel sad about it even though i dont particularly miss her anymore.

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    • Sorry to hear about the break-up. We as humans are not emotionless beings. When we break up, even if we do manage to move on, we don't just wake up and feel absolutely nothing towards a person we liked or loved for quite a while. Even if the break-up was mutual and civil, when that name of your ex is mentioned or you see them again, we have a permanent association with them whether that is anger, friendship, regret, loss, or whatever the case may be.

      If the break up was your fault and you know that, it may be just a tinge of guilt left for you. Perhaps knowing who you are now, a different person, makes you think back and realize if only I'd been that person then. It's that whole 20/20 in hindsight thing.

  • I'm number 4. Every day I remember it and every day I hate myself more and more.

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    • You just need to work your way to believing that you are worth forgiving, even if that's just only to yourself. We all mess up in this life, but we also have the opportunity to use those experiences to change for the better. What's done is done. You cannot change the past, but you can help yourself to make a better future with someone new.

  • Nice take. It's been 11 months for me and sometimes it seems like I'm going nowhere. But I kept journal on the beginning of breakup and so when I read it I realize how good I'm actually doing now.

    Having sex helped my ego to heal, now I just need to heal my heart.

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    • Sorry to hear that you're broken up, but that's such a good outlook on your situation. Journaling can be very therapeutic for the reasons you mention, and then perhaps one day, you can look at it and be like, why was it even so hard, knowing where you'll be then, in that new place where you are free to be in a new relationship again. You'll get there. :) Good luck to you.

  • It really is too soon? I doubt that, it's been about two decades...

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    • If it's someone you truly did love, I think they'll always be in your mind somewhere, and you may think about them or a good memory on occasion, but if it's to the point where two decades later you can't date other people, you allow that persons "ghost" to sabotage your new relationships, and you still can't get past it, in all honesty, it may be time for some counseling to perhaps help you at least find better tools to help you move on.

    • Ok, thanks for the advice.

  • 9. You realize you threw away some good dick/pussy and might not get it back.

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  • she has something of mine and im going to get it back
    whether she likes it or not

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What Girls Said 5

  • #1 & especially #2 are very good points.
    Good myTake!

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  • Number 8 is the main reason for me almost every time lol, I'm so broing haha, I play video games, teach, and then play more video games.

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  • Really well said. I actually watts save this for when/if my relationship does fail.

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    • Oh gosh, try not to say when/if your relationship fails, plus who's to say even if it does, you will struggle to move on.

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    • I hope I can throw it away but it's such good advice, I may screen shot it to save for my friends with boy problems.

    • I'm glad it helped. I'm sending my positive vibes to you and your friends, because I really do hope people don't get stuck in this place where they can't move on. Break ups SUCK!!!, but when you can feel the light on your skin again, that joy that happiness again, from being free from the burden of regrets, and past pain, and not being able to move on, it's so, so, good.

  • good

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  • Great Take

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