I'm one of those men who has a wall up around himself.

[jbone79]

ladies and gentlemen,

I am one of those men who has placed an emtional barrier around himself as the result of a seemingly endless stream of relationships and dates and whatever have you that have all ended up being a waste of time. Honestly, I know I'm not the only one that does this, but I don't know how I could ever un-wall myself I guess. For example: I have been on dates and been in relationships, and I was completely nice and loving, but I don't ever get too comfortable because experience has taught me that this person is only temporary. I know that I can be a very intimidating person, because I'm not a talker or a dreamer. If I want something in life, I get off my ass and take it. In the last 5 years, all of my relationships have ended because the following reasons given to me by the last 5 ladies.

1. Your a wonderful guy, but I'm not on your level. You have a lot of drive and I always feel like I am trying to play catch up. You move fast, you talk fast, and act fast. I always feel like our time together is over before it began. I always feel so rushed with you.

2. Your a sweet guy and you treat me better than any man has, but when I look into your eyes I just see emptiness (which I explained was true.)

3. I've never had a boyfriend who had so much energy, you've been a refreshing change of pace, but I don't think I could ever match the evergy you have.

4. I'm happy with the time I've spent with you, and you will make some woman very happy someday, but your thinking and planning are far beyond mine. I wish I had some of your qualities but Your too much for me to handle. You need a super-woman.

5. Your everything I could ever want in a man, and I have no doubt you will have everything in life that you want because you are your own man, I just don't see where I could possibly fit into all these amazing things you have done already with your life and the amazing things you have planned. I don't want to screw that up for you.

Now, after all the dust has settled, I wonder for the life of me how people can wonder why I come off as a brash, blunt, emotion-less, person. My best friend has told me I am the most rational heartless bastard he has ever met. He wonders if I was even born with a soul or tear ducts. I'm never mean or abusive to people and I always treat others with respect. So my question is this: Am I missing something that everyone else seems to know when it comes to relationships? Any suggestions?

[amberview]

I know that you have already gotten a best answer, but I know the feeling. Except no guy has ever given me a reason for breaking up with me. I think their answers were bull. They probably didn't really know why they weren't into you at the time.

I have been hurt before and have put up the protective shield. Heck, I spent the last 5 years avoiding relationships, dating, etc. I've just decided recently to join the world of dating again. I have decided though that being vulnerable is not a weakness. Being nice or loving towards people actually shows you are in control of your feelings more than someone who keeps them all closed up inside. The way you practice this is to reach out to people even if you feel uncomfortable doing so. It's easiest to do this in baby steps.

Something also that will help is to read or listen to CD's on tape about how women and men think differently. The stuff out there like "men are from mars and women are from venus" are good at understanding why women and men experience so many disconnects. Even though we are all different people, there are some biological basics that apply. We are all given a lot of misinformation by friends and the media about what women and men want. Then we all play games with each other.

I think you'll find that none of the five things you mentioned above were really the problem. Just as I found out that "bad" men weren't really my problem. My problem is that I brought old baggage and bad information into each relationship instead of treating each person as a new person. Also, we need to just be real with people and be ourselves. If they don't like it, then that person is not a good match for us any ways.

[SweetHotGirl]

Hi ... I couldn't help reading and replying, since I believe I am currently dating an emotionless (or emotional damaged/unavailable/stunted, whatever you'd like to call it) guy. Your issue seems to have to do with your energy level, which doesn't sound like the women are complaining about your lack of emotion. So I can only talk about the lack of emotion part and why it bothers me (as a woman). I want (need?) to know what a guy is thinking about me. If he puts a wall up, I think there is something going on that he doesn't want me to know about. OR (as the movie says) he's "Just not that into you." This is new for me, as all the guys I've dated have been vocal and put me at ease. This guy doesn't. There is only so long you can tolerate not knowing where you stand or how a person thinks or feels.

I hope that help a little. Feel free to check my question out, about my man who doesn't show emotion. Seeing that it is what you do, it be great to get some insight.

Thanks.

[Shlei3]

A lot of times assertiveness is confused with being brash and blunt. This is not a bad thing. Now, are you always on the go and always opinionated? I'm assuming you never cry? What would you say if I said, "My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me and I feel heartbroken. What do I do?"

Essentially it's easier to point out other people's room for improvement rather than seeing it in ourselves. We don't have a mirror that shows us how everyone sees us. It would be nice but such is not the case. If most people are telling you you lack emotion, sympathy, and/or support why not ask them to elaborate. There's some truth in what they are saying. Take a look at it and really pay attention to what they say.

[jbone79]

If I was with you for 5,10, even 15 years and you leave me, I'm going to start looking for someone else the following morning. I don't cry because I don't see the sense in it. Crying will not make any difference in any situaiton whatsoever. I know I have a lot of room for improvement in my own life, I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. How do I become more sensitive? I've always considered sensitivity just pandering to the weakness of others. Any ideas?

[Shlei3]

We humans live in about 5% consciousness and we use our brain at about the same percentage. Somewhere along the line you picked up that not wallowing in emotions was the way to go about things. What is the point in crying? It's a release. It's ok to grieve (because in a way it is a loss). I aggree that marinating in that sadness is not healthy. I aggree that at some point you need to move on. But for most people, not allowing themselves to feel the grief will only allow that grief to become

[Shlei3]

Cancerous. Whether you think it or not you have trained yourself to shut down. Emotions are not weakness. Weakness to me is when you let those emotions affect you so much that you are stuck in bed for days or you lose yourself. Your stoic behavior does not allow you to feel very much which in turn does take a toll on you. What were your parents like by the way?

[jbone79]

My parents were like day and night. My mom was a very emotional sensitive person. Always considerate of others. I always admired these traits in her, they have made her a great person. My father, was a very stern person. I am a carbon copy of his mannerism. He never said much and when he spoke he chose his words carefully and they had a huge imapct on peoples lives. Logic, rationale, and reason were his way. I am my fathers image.

[Shlei3]

I am a firm believer in balance. I strive to be as balanced as possible. It is not easy. Logic, in my world, is balanced with emotions. It's interesting how your parents provide balance for one another. My parents are like this as well. I, however have managed to land right in the middle of them.

[everett520]

Perhaps you might not be fully committing to your relationships because you (rationally) believe that they are likely to eventually end. Girls pick up on it when guys are emotionally aloof. They might take that as you not caring or simply an inability to open up. If you have trouble opening up, then that is usually related to some difficulty trusting people.

Judging by the way your previous girls have described you, it seems like a very headstrong and forthright kind of guy. Perhaps you could attack your lack of emotions with the same vigor as you seem to meet other challenges in life. Fear and vulnerability are apart of any normal relationship, and if you find yourself checking out emotionally to avoid them, then you certainly are missing something.

When I have tried to shut off my emotions with people in the past, it has been out of fear that they would not accept me if I let them inside and knew how I really felt. This can turn you into a soulless robot and believe me, people can see right though it. My only suggestions to you would be to not focus on the likeliness that the relationship will fail in the end. Instead, work on living in the moment and building trust with someone. You can't fall in love without being vulnerable.

[jbone79]

You hit the nail on the head here. I can't explain why, but I have always mentally associated vulnerability with weakness. I've never been one to expose my achilles heel so to speak, and now it makes sense. Do you have any suggestions on how to stop living with this type of behavior in my life. I am honestly quite terrified of the idea of being vulnerable to anyone. Any suggestions on this? Thank you so much for the advice. I'd like any ideas you may have for sure! - J

[everett520]

I know what you mean by terrifying. I have been cheated on twice. Maybe I am a poor judge of character?

Being open to recognizing that it might be a problem is of course the first step. After that, all I can say is to gradually build trust with people. I think it is important to recognize the fear, but never let it stop you from opening up. Truly there is something cathartic about being willing to show someone the real you. In the end, it usually brings you much closer together.

[Abbie626]

It sounds like u are living from your ego, not your heart, do u care about people, all the women u date? We're your raised or has life shown u to be vulnerable (have feelings) is a weakness.. That's protection mode. One of these days have a good cry & said God, help me to let love in from a women, to really love her & care about her bc that's what I want from her. Until then, being numb not feeling for any of them is a Unsatisfying, miserable feeling, when u throw them away or your left again.

[ASMConrad]

You have abandonment issues which means you don't trust love and ultimately fear intimacy. I'm thinking you might have had something happen to you early on that caused so much pain that you became afraid of ever being vulnerable in front of a woman of interest. You busy yourself with all your achievements so you don't have to face any emotional pain. Women can sense it in their gut when a man puts up a wall. Putting up a wall brings a lot of negative, fear-based energy into the relationship and, therefore, there's a lack of authenticity. The relationship becomes a non-relationship with no joy or exchange of feelings which leaves the woman who wants to connect with you just sad and disappointed. Emotionally balanced people want healthy relationships where you can be vulnerable and open your heart to someone. Putting up a wall closes your heart to receive any love or connection to another person.

[ICARE]

"Jesus" ... sweetie... that's all. Seriously, once we learn how to receive that kind of love, the hardest of hearts turn to mush. You don't need to change yourself...characteristics...i.e., strong drive for life. That's who you are. As long as that's not hurting anyone. There are women who have a strong drive also... that will understand that part of you better. What you are lacking is the ability to have "true intimacy". Learning about the true love of God...and realizing we are ALL flawed ... and that God loves us ALL EQUALLY... your "heart" will change. You may still be the outgoing, driven man you were created to be...but with the right kind of "heart" to go with it. God gave you those qualities for a reason... and there is a mate out their who will suit you. SEEK HIM AND YE SHALL FIND HIM. I sincerely wish and pray for you the best life has to offer... because I can tell you are "seeking" intimacy and lasting connection! =)

[banker]

I'm like you. that's why I am still single.

I have trust issues.that is my main reason.

[jbone79]

It's not just trust issues with me,it's also expectations. People usually don't live up to my expectations of them and I have always surpassed their expecatations of me. It usually takes me about 5 minutes of interaction with someone to determine how much of my time and energy I am willing to invest in them. 90% only get that 5 minutes usually. quality over quantity is important to me and sadly a lot of women I meet really aren't suitable for me as a result of this.