I Don't Date Outside My Race

I Don't Date Outside My Race

Have you ever heard someone say, "I don't or haven't dated outside my race." It makes some people's hairs rise on the back of their necks and others simply shrug in agreement. What does this mean however, when someone says I just don't or haven't dated outside my race. Does that make them racist? Does that make them old fashioned? Is it just their preference? Can this change or be changed? I'll use some examples to try an show you the differences.

1) Joe is white and has never dated anyone else who wasn't white.

In this hypothetical Joe grew up in a small town in Montana which was 98% white. His parents were both white, his friends were all white, his teachers, his boss, and his first girlfriends, all white. There were no issues with racism as Joe didn't actually have contact with any one that wasn't white and so Joe's only options in his town if he wanted to date and have a girlfriend, were to date white women. All of his attractions therefore were to white women. All the adults, friends, family he knew, were all dating or married to white women. This became his blueprint in his mind for what he knew and loved. Now as an adult, Joe, having only known life dating and being infatuated with white women, dates white women. So Joe goes off to College in California where he is exposed to other minorities for the first time, but in terms of dating he still goes back to what he knows and knows he loves which is white women.

In this example we could have made Joe black or any other race, but I do not believe Joe is a racist here for not dating outside his race. To me this would be no different than if Joe were Catholic and had only gone to Catholic church all his life and suddenly someone said to him, why aren't you Jewish or why don't you go to the Synagogue.


2) Jessica is black. She grew up in New York in a very diverse neighborhood. She has dated outside of her race.

Jessica's parents are both black. Her friends are a mix of all different races. The community she grew up in was one that didn't frown on dating outside your own race. Most people dated outside their race anyway. Her parents have no problem with it and neither do her friends. Jessica has dated in and outside of her race. Having grown up with all the exposure to different races and cultures, she doesn't even think twice or have a single blueprint for what she thinks is attractive.

In this example, I think largely because Jessica has been exposed to so many different races and cultures and they have been portrayed to her in a positive light, she is free to, and freely dates outside of her race. Couple that with approving parents, and she sees no problem with this. However, she may have a problem with what she percieves is Joe's attitude towards dating outside his race, but if she had been the "Joe" in the first example, she may have grown up feeling the same way he does, not out of racism, just out of being a product of your upbringing because Jessica to is a product of her upbringing.



3) Namrata is Indian. She grew up in a diverse neighborhood in Chicago. She dated one person outside of her race, but has only otherwise dated her own race.

Namrata's parents are both Indian. Growing up they impressed upon her the absolute importance of dating only Indian men. Everyone in her family is Indian and married to or dating another Indian. Seeing that her friends dated and mixed between the races and her friends are fine with it, she tries to date a guy outside of her race. Her parents find out and forbid it. They warn her of the dangers of dating people who are not Indian. Her mother explains a few incidents she had with the boy's race and how she thinks her new boyfriend will be exactly the same. They emphasize the purity in dating someone who is Indian. After a few weeks of pressure from her entire family, she relents and goes on to only date those inside her race.

In this example, its not that Namrata is racist but with disapproving parents putting the pressure on her, rather than deal with that, she has chosen to abide by their rules. Having grown up in this atmosphere for her parents and there parents, etc. this is the life they know where no one is allowed to date outside their race maybe partially due to racism but also because despite living in diverse places, the culture or their race still emphasizes the importance of continuing the heritage, language, culture and race. Despite her parents objections, Namrata felt comfortable in dating outside her race intially because she got her peer groups approval, and no one saw a problem with it until her parents found out. Parents hold a lot of sway sometimes over our lives and who we date. Namrata doesn't feel as though she is superior to any other race, but won't date outside her race because she doesn't want to deal with the constant either racism from her parents, going against their will, or having to deal with what she is made to feel will be constant battles over the differences of her non Indian race boyfriend.

4) Michael is Hispanic. He grew up in minority rich small town in Texas.

Michael's parents always wanted him to do better than they did in life. All around them there were gangs, and drugs, and people dropping out of school. They impressed upon him that he was better than those around him. His only exposure to other minorities left a bad taste in his mouth. His parents only allowed him to date certain other Hispanic girls who were linked to the church he and his family attended, but no one else. Everyone else was portrayed to him as being trash and unhealthy for him which many of them actually were. Michael grows up and will not date any other minorities. He thinks that they are all clearly like the scum he grew up around. When the topic comes up with friends, he makes comments to the fact that those other race girls are just all trouble makers, and drug dealers, who will ruin his life and who have no desire to do better in life like he has, and so he will only date Hispanic girls who are clearly what he feels are much better than everyone else even if he sees and knows of other race girls who are not like the scum he grew up with.

In this example when someone like Michael starts saying all of another race are (filler) and therefore he or she won't date anyone else, you do start to get into racism territory. It's one thing to have a preference, but when you start roping in an entire race as being one thing, and therefore you won't ever date them, then there is an issue there because people are individuals and should be treated as such. I would in no way imply that Michael or anyone else has to date someone outside their race, but when you make statements like this about someone's entire race as being viewed as inferior to you, then I think people are going to try and call you out on your racism and rightly so.

I think all in all you have to start actually listening to what people are saying. If someone prefers to date one race, that is their preference. If they have no problems with other races, don't make racist remarks, have minority friends, then its hard to stand up and say to them, you are racist for having never dated someone outside your race. Assume that either that person just has a preference or perhaps they've never met the right other raced person that they would want to date. Contrast to the Michael's of the world that for any host of reasons from growing up like he did, or friends and family being racist or saying racist things about other women/men a person like him might want to date and him starting to believe it as truth about everyone, is that form of racism. However, in the long run you nor I can convince anyone to date someone that they don't want to date. So even if you call Michael out on his racism, doesn't mean he's going to discover not being racist and start dating other minorities anymore than Joe, or Namrata, or Jessica might just date her own race. We like who we like in the end, and there's probably not much that is going to change that.


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What Guys Said 43

  • You're crazy lady!, I date outside of my race more often than not!

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  • when I was at uni some of my left wing liberal friends (I am centre-left wing actually) wanted to hook me up since I was single. because I preferred white girls (from my own race) they were always insisting I had to 'broaden my horizons' and that this was 'rooted in some form of subconscious xenophobia' or some b. s. as it happens I do find many women outside my own race very beautiful indeed (more so than a lot of the trashy white girls in my country) but it is just not something I am used to or that I want to do. we should all be entitled to our preferences without this kind of judgement from people that mean well but quite frankly ought to be minding their own business.

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    • Man, those people annoy the fuck out of me. I feel ya man, I feel ya.

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    • It's built in. They want to date other races let them but they want to tell everybody in earshot to do the same thing. If we all did the same thing pretty soon there'd be no whites or black or chinese or anybody. Just a world full of people with complexes about where they belong. Everybody prefers their own race. Maybe not in a sexual sense but overall you know where you belong. there's nothing wrong with that. If it wasn't there the would be no racial tension in this world at all. The evidence is obvious. All the naysayers are dillusio al idiots. Cowards with no opinions outside of the mainstream. Just have to read a lot of comments on this site on anything and it stinks of trying to fit in and walk the centre. It's always the younger ones as well. Got the backbone of eels

    • @bluenose1872 they do it mainly out of fear: they see you accepting the way you are and the preferences and values you have and hate to admit that they are similar in some senses because then they would have to compromise their own precious ideology.

  • Here's to me what's at the core of this--is not wanting to date other races racist argument:

    People make such a big deal about it. They say "I'm not trying to be racist..." "I'm not racist I just prefer..." that puts it into a COMPARISON perspective. Of course it's not racist, but how would you feel if one of your close black friends said "you know... I mean to me you're a really unattractive person. I really find your looks to be ugly."

    It would probably rock them a bit. The hurt comes from being put into the ugly category and the way out of that pain often is to blame it on racism. I don't see any reason for anyone to have to explain that they don't date outside their race and I don't see any reason for anyone to challenge why a person dates a specific type. Once these two contracts are broken--the right to not having to explain preferences and the right not to need to challenge someone's preferences--pain becomes involved because people's egos become involved.

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    • Yeah you have to tell everybody everything your thinking in life. Jesus. Do you tell girls you knock back look love your a nice girl but your ugly as hell. Your face must be like burger of your that honest

  • Lol I'm the opposite.
    I'm tired of White girls

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    • same. they miss what eastern girls have... what their familys put in them... this warm humble loving heart that respects and is also very intelligent at the same time...

      feminism ruined western white women in my opinion. many are undateable and aren't loyal.

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    • Mixed Arab and Pakistani, sorry to let you down there!

    • @diamondhair Oh you didn't let me down. I have many preferences.
      I like Arab girls ;)
      It all depends on the skin tone though. If it's too dark than I lose interest.

  • Oklahoma and New Mexico surprised me there.

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  • That sentence can have two meanings.
    If it expresses an overview of past and present dates "I Didn't Date Outside My Race", it's not necessarily racist.
    If it expresses an intention: "I Will not Date Outside My Race" it's plain racism.

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    • No. That doesn't follow at all.

      Will you date a guy?

      Does that immediately make you a homophobic if you're not attracted to guys?

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    • Not if you actually read what I wrote.

    • I am not attracted physically to girls who aren't lighter complexioned, it's not that I go 'you're blavk or Arab I won't date you' it's that I simply find them unattractive as I do the majority of girls who are white too, having a subconscious need is not racism

  • I don't date outside of my race either and there isn't anything wrong with that. I do see girls that are attractive that aren't in my race but I don't date any.

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  • So far I've only had sex with a member of another race. I have dated more native girls than white girls too.

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  • I wouldn't to be honest, and I see nothing wrong with that preference

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  • Different people are attracted to different things.

    Body shape, skin tone, eye color, tone of voice, personality...

    Being attracted or not to any one of those isn't really a choice. And I don't think you're being racist if you're simply not attracted. People need to get over themselves...

    It's a totally different thing to say "I don't date white girls. I'm just not attracted to them."
    And to say "I refuse to approach, interact, date or befriend a white girl because I hate white people."

    One is just a preference, mostly an unsconscious one. You don't really choose who you're attracted to. One is actual racism. People need to stop slapping the racism label on anything that hurts their ego, it gets so old...

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  • I don't not because I'm racist but because it's my choice. Asian families have better values and are closer together and more respectable with family. My cousin married a white guy and we never see her but every year or so. Her husband doesn't even want to know us nor his family and we are the ones reaching out. Also soon as white and black people realise the bullshit that comes out of there mouths when they mention equality then maybe I'd consider it. Nobody wants anything to do with Asian but love to sleep or use the women as soon as their is a beautiful Asian or Indian girl she sets her standards to be with a white person why is that? Because on TV all you see is white or black. If an dark skinned Indian guy was on every poster or fucking the shit out of some white girl on screen I'm sure people will go mad. So it's not natural selection or preference its ignorance lust and vanity that makes people say this. Nothing makes me more proud then to see a privileged white or black boy/girl get refused by Asian people because even a play boy who gave a seminar to men said that if you are white then people from other countries would want you. Where as any other colour they label you as stinky poor or dumb.

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  • Good take. I get tired of hearing how everything white people do is racist. If we don't date black girls, we're racist. If we do date black girls, we have a racist fetish. It's all just silliness. People need to realize that preference and association cannot be legislated.

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  • I only go for white girls

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  • I never dated outside of my race which is Hispanic. I find other races attracted like Asian for example but its hard finding Asian women in texas when you have Hispanic women making the majority of women with black and white women. My brother has dated a white girl before which wasn't the best choice of wonen for him. He has dated Hispanic women as well but that's it.

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  • I don't not date outside my race but after dating the colours of the rainbow from stout pale ale I do admit that I've come to be biased towards one race

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  • I've heard girls say this in public and i never took it personal but it did kind of make me feel bad considering im black and i would never not date a girl im attracted to based on her race I just never thought it was that serious.

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  • I come from a pretty mixed-race environment. I've rarely seen black women with anyone but a black man. I've rarely seen middle-class-or-above white women with anything but a white man. It is what it is, ain't what it ain't.

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  • I am mixed race so I get more options when dating "inside my race."

    Strangely enough though I only date my own races. I don't find other races very attractive.

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  • there's a fine line here. On one side its a personal choice but on the other side to isolate people, 100% of people based on race, is surely discriminatory towards them

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  • I just think people like that have little taste or creativity.

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What Girls Said 28

  • I'm not surprised about Alabama, Mississippi, Tennessee, Louisiana, and Arkansas. Being the ones with the lowest % in this case.

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  • I also hear people saying they would only marry within their Nationality and even city!!! I personally think that nowadays it's very hard to find someone who thinks the same as I do and who shares my values and to who I am attracted. If I also have to add ethnicity in the requirements I think I would wnd up alone. That's why I don't care about ethnicity and I actually like someone from another ethnicity right now...

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  • I don't think people should be shamed for not dating outside their race/ ethnic group. Do what feels right.

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  • The entire phrasing is bad.

    "I don't date outside of my race" makes it seem as if you feel you are better than those races or you find them un-attractive.

    If you were to say, "I've never dated outside of my race" that sounds much better.
    It strikes curiosity in a person.
    It usually leads the follow up question to be, "Why?" or "Are you open to it?"

    Whereas "I don't date outside of my race" is enough to make anyone draw a conclusion or raise a brow.

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    • People can argue otherwise but basing an assumption off of a statement is human nature"

      If I were to say, "I don't eat fish". vs. "I've never had fish".
      The last statement is going to make me seem as if I'm probably open to it, whereas the first statement makes it seem as if I closed eating fish completely off.

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    • Thats a strong opinion Stacy and a good one at that too

    • Thanks :)

  • I guess there are lots of reasons someone would or wouldn't want to date outside of their race.
    Some people don't want to, some don't have a chance to and some are looking for diversity and some don't really look at the world through that lens.

    It may be more of a cultural thing than a race thing.

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  • makes sense.
    i don't know which scenario i belong to.
    i grew up in several diverse areas and also spent a year in a primarily caucasian small town. moved around, new school almost every year. i had crushes on classmates without regard to race but didn't date until around 15. my mother (who is east asian) strongly encouraged, nagged and tried everything to make me realize that caucasian men are the obvious choice and anything else is selling myself short and would only lead to doom. my father (who is caucasian) never told me who to date and never judged me for my choices. upon reaching puberty i only found east Asian men physically attractive and it may or may not have been because there were so many in the area i lived in. to date haven't found other races of men attractive enough to want to even try anything physical with. i'm not against it, i just haven't seen any good ones.

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  • The cultural barrier is a problem specifically between the east and the west. I do not see other problems in inter-racial dating.
    Without clear communication it becomes difficult more than ever.

    As there is mention of India, the reason is the pretty straightforward. Indian parents are scared of men from other race (Not much the women though) dating their daughters. Though it is of the time when women in India were dependent on male figures of the family.

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  • Its not racist to have a preference, but sometimes you just have to be more open minded to trying different things. Personally, I dont date my race (or "races" since im mixed).

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  • Wow I love this mytake absolutely true in my opinion. I can relate to the Indian girls problem since my parents are like that and my boyfriend is black but they don't know about him yet😔 their reaction will not be good and I don't know what to do about it

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  • I feel if you have a preference that doesn't make you racist. I have no preference. My only attraction to someone is personality. My boyfriend is Arab. Unfortunately his family won't accept me but not bothered! Honestly it's just about finding that one good person you can spend the rest of your life with.

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  • I use to want to date people out of my race, but then as I got older... I realized that I love black men... black men are really the only people I want to date... probably because im black to, and it may play a role in my choice

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  • I have never understood this preference of skin tone and race tbh. I personally see beauty in ever race and colour! But yes everyone has their preferences!

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  • Look, thanks for the detailed explanations and nice and academically perfect examples.
    But don't let the media and today's screwed up and brainwashed minds confuse you.
    It seems like you're a nice person who is having a problem choosing between being nice and honorable towards other people, or responding to your natural needs. As a famous writer once said:"I'm in my thirties. I'm at that stage where I can't lie to myself and call it honor."
    My answer is simple. We are not Equal Opportunity Employers (if you've ever tried finding a job you probably know what I mean), and we are not required to be by any law or social rule. Unlike recruitment where whoever has the requirements and talent to get the job done MUST be hired according to law, dating is something completely personal. If you are more comfortable dating a certain race for whatever reason, then it's your right by all means. Just don't go around making fun of other races and you'll be fine, because making fun of other races is not cool and that's where you would be called racist.
    But dating a certain race is like having a favorite color for the clothes you wear. You are free to choose. Choose whatever color that goes well with YOUR complexion, compliments your figure, and makes you feel happy and confident and comfortable.
    Have fun dating!

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    • My examples were meant to kind of explain to those who were confused between what is racism when people aren't dating them, and what is just preference. Your other comments basically boil down to exactly what I said in my take. I am personally, an equal opportunity employer when it comes to dating. I'm not dumb enough to say "I don't see color," because, you know, I have eyes, duh, but I don't have one race type, but just because it works for me doesn't mean it works for others or "has to" and as both you and I have both said, you date who you like, and who makes you happy, and its all good in the world as long as you're not being a full on racist towards everyone else or discriminating against others.

  • I've never dated outside of my race, nor do I want to.
    Culture is an impact-full thing.
    I am not racist. I do not look down on other people. Everyone is equal.
    But my dating preferences are my own and don't have to be justified to anyone. Nor should anyone be made fun of or looked down on for interracial relationships. Everyone should have a choice, that's the beauty of equality.

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  • Lol, why did you have to write an entire take on this? Nobody cares if you don't date outside your race. That's your business, and there's nothing wrong with that, but it becomes everyone else's business when you don't date these people because of racial stereotypes, and skin color. That's when it becomes racist.

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    • I take it you didn't actually read the take. Go figure.

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    • several people have made comments having not read the take either fully or at all, and I'm like if you read it, then you wouldn't be making that comment. Clearly people care about this topic which is why I wrote it and there are some 54 comments thus far to the fact. As much as people want the issues with race to just quietly disappear, they aren't. In fact, they may be getting worse in some or a lot or all parts of the country. Whether I discuss it or not doesn't mean its going to go away.

    • I read it though I was just clarifying something. I wasn't being rude or anything

  • Not liking a particular feature that many people of a certain race have is not racist, but saying that you will not date outside of your race is kinda racist. That's assuming all people of other races have those features, it isn't a case of familiarity but conditioning.

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  • "I think largely because Jessica has been exposed to so many different races and cultures and they have been portrayed to her in a positive light, she is free to, and freely dates outside of her race"

    Not always true. I was only exposed to some white people in person until I went to college. My boyfriend of 4 years and 4 months is white. He lived only in a dominate white neighborhood. Honestly never saw a black person until college

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  • It was an interesting mytake to read and I do like how organized it was but I still don't understand why race even matters. Biological speaking race doesn't exist so why do we spend so much time focused on this subject. All humans living today belong to a single species, Homo sapiens.

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  • Im African American and I actually prefer white guys I've had crushes/dates with black guys my whole life but lately I've noticed white guys seem to only catch my eye these days.. I'm not racist to my own ethnicity though.. just rather be with a white guy

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  • I'm from the south and TONS of white southerns do not like dating outside their race. Some because of racism. Some because they were raised not to. I was raised not to, and I grew up thinking it was wrong. But at the moment, I've been dating a Mexican and we have a lovely little boy! We get a lot of stares in public, but I'm sure if I were with a black guy, I'd get even more. BUT that's only because where I live a little over 50% blacks are very rude. I honestly do not care about how people feel about dating outside the race. Date whomever you're attracted to.

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