When Focusing on the Internal Attributes of a Man is Not a Good Thing

When Focussing on the Internal Attributes of a Man is not a Good Thing

The bad boy: there is something totally irresistible about this kind of man. Not only is he good looking but his attractive pull goes much deeper than that - from the outside bravado, chiselled jawline and rugged physique to the inside. He might not be rich or drive a fast car, he might not even have the aforementioned physical qualities but there is a much deeper allure because he believes in himself. In short what drives women so crazy is his confidence.

Men (not all men, but a lot of men) are so quick to judge women by their looks and feminine appearance over and above all else that they do not choose a good sturdy partner - someone that will help raise kids and make a sound contribution to their household (financially and domestically). It is only natural to call these men shallow, short-term minded and lots of other things. Women on the other hand tend to be much smarter, not only in the short-term about who is going to pass on what genes exactly, but also in the long-run - who is going to show commitment and be a good father and husband. So this leads most of us to the conclusion that it is a good thing that women are so internally focussed. Men are shallow and judgmental about appearance, while women looks at the factors that really make a man a man.

But what are these factors? Charisma, survival, initiative, masculinity just to name a few. 'Confidence' is very hard to define, it does not have a shape or tangible quality, and it is in fact composed of many other qualities that can change and are themselves difficult to pinpoint or explain what is meant by it. Anyone that has ever suffered a low in their self-esteem just to be reminded of that good old nugget of societal wisdom, "don't worry! just be confident and everything will be a-ok!", knows that this is simplistic advice that does not always make up for a deficiency in other essential qualities. Not only that, but strictly speaking such advice does not always mean anything.

When it comes to the 'confidence' that a woman is attracted to in a man, it's safe to say that this is neither a good thing or a bad thing. That's because confident people have historically been both good and evil. Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandella - all confident people, all altruists that helped further their cause of equality and improve the condition of the human population. But then there is the other side of the coin - men like Stalin, Hitler and Pinochet who did the reverse of anything 'good' or 'compassionate'.

So when a woman says she likes 'confidence' in a man, we immediately have to wonder what that 'confidence' is composed of and what OTHER attributes that man has that are so desirable. Just because she says she is looking for something deeper and more meaningful, it doesn't necessarily make her any better than these shallow hordes of men that are gushing at the mouths over hot women with nice bodies.

Overlooked in all this is the 'nice guy with style'. He's one of the good guys but he doesn't think that's enough to attract a woman. He's nice and polite to women but he doesn't think she owes him sex because of it. He's got a heart of gold but knows that if he wants anything the world demands he gets out there and takes it. He tries to be amicable but he also has his passions - his interests and his hobbies. In short, he's a very well rounded individual on many levels.

Does this man get the girls? Unfortunately, not always. He has such high standards in what he wants to become - physically, intellectually and spiritually - that this is MISperceived as a lack of self-certainty by many women. These same women don't see the fact his self-deprecation serves a purpose: to make him better as an all round person, to strive higher and reach for the stars.

In short, next time a woman tells you, "I'm just looking for confidence in a guy", ask her what she means by confidence and just what else exactly it is that she wants.


Join the discussion



What Girls Said 2

  • "Men are shallow and judgmental about appearance, while women looks at the factors that really make a man a man."

    Women look at the factors that make a man a good HUMAN BEING which is what looking at internal factors does. If men are only taking looks into consideration then one can only conclude that men A) are shallow/empty as people and thus have nothing to offer women B) are not good human beings C) are not as intelligent as women in general.

    "Just because she says she is looking for something deeper and more meaningful, it doesn't necessarily make her any better than these shallow hordes of men "

    Umm... yes actually it DOES make her a better human being. She's looking at what really matters, the behavior, not the looks (which cannot be controlled to a large degree). The human being is defined by the quality of the soul on the inside otherwise they're no different than an animal.

    "He's one of the good guys but he doesn't think that's enough to attract a woman."
    I don't think he should care if it's good enough for women. There are many good guys that don't understand why women like the sociopaths and they think they must become a bad person in order to attract women. The problem is NOT with the man it's with the half-retarded women that think that an abusive persons is fit for a relationship or is attractive.

    • Hmm, it seems like every time you sampled a quotation, you only adressed half the argument. This would indicate that either you did not read the take properly, or that you did this on purpose to misrepresent my views. Either way, I will address your points, referring to the take.

      ' women look at the factors that make a man a good human beings '

      Like I explained, this is not necessarily the case. What they want is a man that can SURVIVE. Of course, attractiveness is very much subjective, but this is the premise I was working from in the take. Either way, judging women as totally non-superficial and shallow as a gender is not going to be correct because there certainly will be women who are not like this. I am trying to explain some of the more insidious ways a woman can be like this apart from being a very obvious gold digger or a woman just looking for a handsome man.

    • Show All
    • I think it's ultimately better to maintain some glimmer of hope. There are some wonderful women out there and even if I can no longer put a smile on their face, hopefully great guys like you can. Don't become a resentful asshole like me, it's miserable and if I didn't have a great career I would probably collapse.

    • @idiotmanchild

      thanks man. I already am a resentful asshole though, lol.

  • Hey I love guys who are both nice AND attractive (being nice will not overcome lack of attraction). But I also want a guy who is fairly outgoing and fun. "Nice guys" who aren't outgoing or fun can come across as unconfident. (I'm an introvert but I still like adventures and can easily talk to people at parties)

    • Hey, that's why I talked about the nice guy with style - someone who has a bit of both, looks AND personality.

What Guys Said 1

  • I'm glad you acknowledge that confidence is a complex trait. Yeah I mean people say "Just be confident." Well that doesn't always solve the issue. Why? Because like you said confidence is hard to pin point. It is. Confidence can take multiple shapes and forms. It is not solid, but it can be. It is not liquid, but it can be. Yet we still have a knack for picking it up when it's there. Maybe sometimes people don't realize they have picked it up.

    I want to address a underlying point you have. You mentioned guys wanting appearance over everything. That guys don't really care to look for a steady partner. I know you said some and not all, but this is still a big misconception. I know guys who ARE looking for a steady partners who can care for children etc. but then I also know guys like me who don't really care about that and just looking for a hot girl to stick our cocks into.

    On the other hand there are females who are looking for a partner that will care for them and potential children, but there are also females who just want dick from a hot guy.

    It's not gender specific. I'm tired of people making it a gender thing. It's not when it comes to that. Sure maybe the priorities are a bit different but at the top there's still always going to be appearance and personality/character/whatever.

    I also don't like your definition of a "nice guy". Many guys are both bad and good. I'm polite, shy, and have some self-control. Yet still I just like casual sex. I don't necessarily think the girl owes me sex, but I do typically just want that. Isn't that what a "bad guy" supposedly only wants in females? I also think I'm as great as I'll ever become. Do I have some goals I want? Sure, but when I get them I don't feel that makes me "better". It's just another goal accomplished. I try not to place too much value in the whole "better person" stuff and just focus on goal by goal. If the world outside me thinks I'm better than fine, but I believe I've always been the same. So what am I? Bad? Nice? Lol.

    I love your general point though. Don't get me wrong. You're right when you say that confidence is complex and comprises of many things. Some females want a outspoken guy. That's confidence to them. Some want a guy that's really invested in his goals. That's confidence to them. Some want a guy who just appears confident. Some want a guy who looks at them with confidence. Some want a guy who's just comfortable being with her. That's confidence. Etc. Etc.

    • Thanks for taking the time to reply. Since this thread was talking mainly about superficiality in (some) women I wanted to contrast it with the superficiality in (some) men and show how (some of) these women are more subtle/insidious in this regard. That's why I showed how some men just want looks (blatant superficiality) and didn't talk about the gold diggers or the women like this themselves (also blatant superficiality). Instead, I wanted to talk about what's wrong sometimes with focusing on the intrinsic, e. g. women playing push-pull, feigning interest acting coy, etc. They are looking for a particular set of alpha male qualities. But this is done in a manipulative fashion, and men that can out maneuver these tactics are not necessarily trust worthy themselves.

    • But yes, I like what you have had to add in terms of confidence and the shifting variables which it is composed of. Sometimes people worship confidence in the wrong things. For example a psychopath at the top of wall street will be revered for his financial powers, even more so a hedge fund manager that is good with our money. But we forget about the ability these men have to destroy lives. Artists and creators have much confidence in what they produce but because we do not always see the immediate value, we are quick to dismiss. The bodhisattvas of this world are not always given the chance to effect the change they envision but the corrupt bankers and politicians and evil scientists will be quick to project their schemes into society because they act on a simple principle: you snooze, you lose.

    • Okay I understand. You're right.