5 Ways To Remain Single For The Rest Of Your Life

How To Remain Single For The Rest Of Your Life

This guide will show you how you can remain single for the rest of your life.

1. Act like a moron.

You may act out particular moronic behaviors, like drooling, looking blankly at the sky, giggling in a serious conversation, nose-picking, fixing your eyes on a random object, refusing to give eye contact, and other extremely unattractive behaviors. The more, the better.

2. Use inappropriate humor to lighten up the conversation, even when you are being told to stop.

An inappropriate humor may be racist humor, sexist humor, and anything that can potentially offend people's sensibilities. If you do not know how to offend, then you have to meet people and find what makes them tick. Then, you deliberately get them annoyed at you. This may involve the ability to suppress your own emotions at first, because some people will spontaneously feel bad about themselves if they sense that the hurt is the direct result of their own behavior. But with practice, showing an emotionless reaction can be achieved.

3. Fart, and then make fake farts.

Everybody farts or releases gas every once in a while. But not everybody does it so loudly every minute. In order to produce the impossible, you have to learn how to make realistic fake farts with bodily movements, not just bowel movements. First, you take a deep breath. Then, you hold your breath while puffing up your cheeks. Next, you release some air out. Chances are, it will produce a "farting sound". Experiment with more "gassy" sounds with your mouth for varied realism.

4. Pull pranks and practical jokes.

A practical joke may backfire on you, if the target person actually thinks it is funny. But if you want to do a practical joke just to see the target's reaction, then here is one way that does not cost any money. First, you make a nasty facial expression before the mirror. Make sure that it is the ugliest expression you've made, or this joke won't work. Next, you approach the target person slowly and quietly. If that person does not notice you, then you move to that person's field of vision while keeping the nasty facial expression. Wait for response. This method is not foolproof, because the target person may think it is funny in a dorky way.

5. Say that you are already taken.

If you say that you are already taken, then people will think that you are unavailable for the dating sphere.

And that is how you can remain single for the rest of your life. If these steps sound too tedious for you, then you just communicate to people, "Look, I do not want to be in a relationship. Ever. It has nothing to do with you, but sexual-romantic relationships aren't for me. I hope you find someone else who will love you, though. Good luck with your search to find that perfect guy/girl." Clear communication may be the best way, as the previous ways can potentially damage your professional reputation.


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What Guys Said 33

  • But but what if you do steps 1-4 and then you attract some dreadful freak of nature that does the same thing? Karma, bitch!

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  • single life brevs

    represent

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  • What about people who do none of these things and still end up single, or if anyone does have interest in them, they don't have interest?

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  • But I've been single all my life and have never experienced love without doing these things lol I don't think everyone will find love

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  • I'm still single, though.

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    • You are 26 years old. You have plenty of time to find a partner. No need to worry now. As a guy, you can find a partner even in your forties or fifties.

    • Show All
    • @Uselessguy A 26-year-old and a 20-year-old both appear like young adults or the same age group. No one can tell the difference, unless you directly and truthfully tell someone that you're 26 or 20. 40-year-olds... another story. However, that would depend highly on the person. Sometimes, not so frequently, 40-year-olds can appear physically like 30-year-olds.

    • Love is a lie, bro. Sad but true. Unless you look like a photoshopped underwear model with money pouring out of your pockets, you're screwed. :/

  • I don't do those things and I'm still single...

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  • Don't forget being too shy to ever actually asking people out.

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  • What a load of nonsense and who wrote this crap anyway! I don't make eye contact because I find it awkward and often uncomfortable besides women always complain if you look at them. Regarding the other things I do not do any of them but I have been single my whole life.

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  • I think the following can also increase the probability of remaining Single For The Rest Of Your Life, not absolute guarantees, but I think it increases someone's chances substantially:

    Choose a life of crime and commit the worst of the worst, you are bound to be single for life, end up in prison or dead.

    Become addicted to drugs and alcohol.

    Choose to be Childfree, or simply put, that you decide to never have any children and will absolutely never change your decision on this.

    To further increase the odds, go through a sterilization or permanent birth control procedure such as Essure or Tubal ligation or tubectomy for ladies, Vasectomy or use Gossypol for guys. Gossypol is a medication that decreases sperm production and this can have a permanent infertility effect in 20% of people that uses it.

    Start being and continuous believing, or develop pessimistic, nihilistic outlooks and views on life and existence. Feel nothing is really worth anything anymore other than that we just do what we do or do nothing and the end results are still the fucking same: we will all eventually die because it just is inevitable.

    Become really fucking paranoid, and trust no one. Use aliases, and never provide any real genuine information to anyone that you are not legally required to.

    You can be as paranoid as some doomsday prepper or survivalist making preparations for some unexpected cataclysm or some type of apocalypse (zombie apocalyptic fears), or a dystopian world (e. g. a totalitarian oppressive regime takeover of an entire country or world) such as having your own bunker or fallout shelter (or anything similar) with enough food, water, equipment and supplies and possibly a large stash of weapons and ammunition. This one typically requires you to be in countries where you can even have private ownership of firearms and allow you to get a license and permit to carry, conceal, etc. Though I would expect most preppers are families already but there are some that are going the solo path, and probably would end up all on their own in their lifetime anyway.

    The last one's point is, would anyone in their right mind want to hang around someone that have a lot of weapons and ammo in their possession? I know I rather stay away from them, unless there really isn't any other way such as being in a war zone.

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  • Thanks for the advice.

    :)

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  • Here's my guide to be single:

    1. Be sincere.
    2. Be honest.
    3. Say that you don't want a girlfriend/boyfriend and you only want sex.
    4. Be unemployed.
    5. Don't drink alcoholic drinks.
    6. Don't go to discos/night clubs.
    7. Love your mother.
    8. Prefer video games and computers over going to the gym.
    9. Watch a lot of porn OR say that you're a fan of porn.
    10. Don't engage girls/boys (that's obvious...).
    etc...

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    • Going to the gym costs money. Try biking on a bright Sunday afternoon!

      Video games and computers aren't so bad if you're the one programming them instead of mindlessly playing them or spending countless dollars on them.

      Personally, I'm actually attracted to guys who are honest, sincere, don't drink alcohol or drugs, love their parents, and are adequately social.

  • I'm so ugly I get rejected on dating sites and by blind women.

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  • Or, simply be me/live my life: boring, unemployed, broke, friendless, and can bake & cook and am loyal and trustworthy. From my experiences, if you do not look like Johnny Depp or Channing Tatum & don't have money pouring out of your damn pockets you are SoL -_-

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    • Dude, you are 26 years old. If that is your real age, then you are still employable. Many people at this age work at minimum-wage or entry-level jobs. Start getting one today, and work your way up. You'll be glad that you started early than late, as it does get harder for an older person to get a job than a much younger person. Be wary of scams. Learn something new everyday. Use your youth as much as you can to stabilize yourself.

    • I have tried for over a year to get hired. I am STILL jobless. Hell, I'm a college grad but that still doesn't impress any employers.

    • If you're suggesting that as a means of having women be attracted to me, that's why I gave up and don't believe in love, because women only care about looks and money.

  • How about these points:
    1) Realizing how easy, calm and drama-free your life is without a woman in it then realizing what value they add to your life is overshadowed by their biological need to test you. Women need and crave the Emotional Roller Coaster, hence the reason the badboy jerk-type a**hole does so well in attracting them. Sometimes they create drama out of necessity, i. e. they are bored and want to spice things up, but other times they suffer yet another attack of the Emotional Chaos Syndrome and feel as though "their life is spinning out of control." You, as a man, just have to sit back and take it, ride it out, wait for the swirling cauldron of emotional chaos run its course... until the next time. Things will be going fine one day and then? From out of nowhere, BAM! Blindsided by her need for drama or her suffering another attack of the ECS... again.

    2) Realizing that the game is rigged as long as no-fault divorce laws are on the books. Watch some old black and white TV from the late 50s and early 60s - Perry Mason is a great example - and you'll come across a common scenario where the wife wants a divorce and the husband responds with, "But I'll contest it." Imagine that for a moment: a husband contesting his wife's request for a divorce. Amazing, isn't it? Women actually had to prove their case pre-feminism, whereas today a divorce is as easy for them to get as heading to the salon to get a wax. Marriage 2.0? Don't do it guys. Just don't do it. You have very little to gain, and a whole lot to lose.

    3) Child support. Oh God, I feel for the poor guys who have gone through this or are going through this. Along with the no-fault divorce laws making divorce so easy to attain, the courts still treat women as though they are helpless and can not support themselves. Never mind they are educated and in most cases can support themselves, a man going through a divorce will most likely be financially strained and/or ruined.

    4) Realize the Rule of Three is true and in some cases should be the Rule of Four, or Five... or (GASP) even higher.

    5) Realize that Beauty has an expiration date and every woman eventually comes up against her Nemesis: The Wall. Depending on her lifestyle choices, she can either brush up against The Wall with a soft impact through living a fitness-centered lifestyle while avoiding the partying and drinking, or her time meeting The Wall can resemble a freight train hitting a brick wall at full speed.

    Continued...

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    • ... 6) Loyalty? From a female? Good luck with that one. Really. Good luck with that one. Their Hypergamy overrides loyalty in almost every single case. Don't think your special snowflake would ever cheat on you? Ha. Just let her have a weekend away with a roomful of vagina-tingle inducing alpha males. 'Gina tingles override any loyalty she may have for you. Sure, there are some good women out there who would never cheat while in the presence of a vagina-tingle inducing Chad Thunderc*ck, but this is the exception and not the rule unfortunately.

      7) Hint, hint guys: The Red Pill.

  • Ahhh, finally!! Been looking for this for sooo loooong!!
    So tired of not being single, it's like a magnet with so many women gluing themselves at me. Finally there is hope for me with some peace just by following these rules.

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  • And if you do none of this stuff

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  • Huh? Satire?

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  • That explains why i am married...

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  • It's the easiest article that's ever been written

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  • well thats me fuck or so not hahaha XD

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What Girls Said 14

  • Also, be conceited. Nobody would want to date someone who is stuck up and arrogant.
    Refuse, refuse, and refuse. If you get the idea that somebody tries to pursue you, stop it immediately before the outcomes bloom.
    Keep yourself busy. You may not even care if you're single because it won't be your priority.

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  • Yup! I am undateable lol O:

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  • I have no doubt that it won't work but I DONT WANT TO BE SINGLE...

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  • Based on these comments, you might want to add in:

    6. Have a stale ass sense of humor.

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  • It's funny that people don't get this is supposed to be funny.

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  • Lol, that's a funny take 😂😭😝👍

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  • this is funny...

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  • for a girl: be fat. the end

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    • not really. I see plenty of fat women/girls dating scrawny nerdy guys all the time.

  • How to stay single forever? Simple...

    - Do not get in a relationship with anyone.
    - SAY NO when a person asks you to be romantically involved/ exclusive
    - Don't go on one on one dates.
    - Spend time with a lot of friends (or alone)
    - I REPEAT: DO NOT get in a relationship with anyone.

    No need to be a douche to not be in a relationship ;)

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    • its ur age to get married
      so pls

    • @amit741 get married?
      at 25? lol what backward country are you coming from? 25 is the time to live your life and begin making a career/name for yourself...

      Marriage I can do anytime I want ;-) There is NO such thing as 'age to get married'.
      Please, fall back with your societal pressures about when I need to get married - IF i want to get married. That choice I'll make for myself when I want to and DECIDE TO ON MY OWN.
      People don't dictate that for me.

  • I love NOT being single. Honestly, I stayed single an entire two years after my first relationship, went to the gym, got good grades in college, go to parties/gatherings but I got bored. My friends started getting into relationships, I had nobody to talk to anymore. I was horny like 24/7 and too ashamed to call a one-night stand or have a friends with benefits. I didn't have a pet because I'm allergic. Two years later, I met a great man. Now I'm happily in a relationship! I love it. We communicate daily, our sex life is amazing and we're planning a future. No, I will not trade my man for being single. Being single SUCKS!

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  • Orr, just be ugly and fat. Then no one will ever love you.

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  • This would explain why I'm still single. I am sensible when required but I do act immature, I fart, I like to prank people. Being serious all the time just isn't fun. I do use inappropriate humour, very few people get it. I'm a single Pringle, I can goof around, there's no one to answer to. I'm making the most of it while I can. :)

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  • There are lots of reasons people are still single

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  • Drop food on your lap and quickly, like a half starved raccoon, throw the crumbs into your wormy mouth.

    That's a good way to become single too.

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