How Overthinking Ruins Your Dating Game

My brain won’t ever switch off. Ever. Whether it’s worrying about work, what people think of me or why that text hasn’t been responded too in 5 and a half minutes, my mind goes into overdrive and it produces a series of negative conclusions, each more disastrous than the next.

And that’s the problem. Overthinking creates more problems, when really, there wasn’t one to begin with! It clouds your vision.

The What If’s?

Overthinking can grow from two things; bad experiences and personality type. I fall into the latter because I’m a natural planner. I like plans. I like structure. I like a time and I like a date. It’s not too much to ask right? Well, it’s all very useful at work but in the dating game it’s different.

You need to exercise flexibility and just to chill the hell out. Yes, it’s understandable to have some idea what’s going on, but when you overthink things, you’re demanding an answer straightaway and you become impatient.

In the past, if a guy I was dating didn’t follow these basic principles, then the panic would set in. It stems from fear and insecurity. What if he’s forgotten? What if he’s standing me up? What if he just doesn’t effin care?

For example; a guy I was seeing had arranged a date but he hadn’t specified a time. So, after I finished work I shot him a message asking when he was going to pick me up. He didn’t reply for nearly 2 hours, so naturally my mind went into overdrive. Eventually, he got back to me and the reason was him being held at work by his mental boss. I also took into account his nature. He was so laid-back I was surprised he wasn’t horizontal, and he was naturally forgetful.

After I discovered the reason and was able to see the situation with clarity, I felt incredibly stupid that I’d worked myself up into such a state.

Chill the Hell Out

One of the biggest problems with overthinking is that it makes you give off a bad vibe. You zone in on the details of his/her actions, and if they’re not up to your expectations you assume the worst. This is also where the “Self-Fulfilling Prophecy” comes to into play. If you assume the worst, expect the worst. Both girls and guys can pick up on this behavior where you’re being analysed. Your interactions with them become measured and calculative, and you don’t see them as a person but as an object to fulfill your own ideals.

I’ve been guilty of this. Once I start too really like a guy, the judging process begins. You start to wonder how much he likes you through his actions, his texts and how affectionate he is.

Nobody likes to feel as if they’re under the microscope, and you come across as needy and insecure.

The solution: chill out. Seriously. Enjoy the present, and do not get ahead of yourself.

The Worry about coming across as Needy, Clingy, Desperate, etc.

The main reason why some of the guys I’ve dated didn’t work out is because I allowed myself to be a doormat. I’m a naturally compassionate and kind person, and I don’t believe in playing games. If you’re interested in someone, why mask it? However there are people out there who will take advantage. However, you must take stock of where you went wrong and set higher standards for yourself next time. You deserve respect and only the best.

It’s healthy to see a bad experience as a learning curve, and it’s vital to not let any bad experiences skew your vision about the opposite gender and dating as a whole. Never change who you are, and always be open dating again. Not everybody is the same and you will go through long periods of failure.

Dating won’t become an enjoyable experience if you’re composing each reply to great detail, becoming offended if he/she doesn’t send a “X” at the end of a message, or if you feel that a man should always be the one to initiate dates.

Hell, I’ve initiated two dates in one week with the guy I’m seeing at the moment. Yes, I did have the fear that this would make him become more complacent in the long-term, and yes I did have the tiny fear that I would seem to keen but I did it because I feel comfortable with him. I’m confident in his attraction to me, so I did it. Whether this will have a negative effect, only time will tell, but for now it’s important I don’t focus on that and enjoy being present.

And remember, when in doubt, chill the hell out! Good luck everyone :)


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What Guys Said 16

  • 21d

    Never worry what other people will think. They don't walk in your moccasins, so rarely can they make a reasonable judgment about you... so don't pay their comments any attention.

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  • 22d

    Let me just say that if someone, anyone, asks me when I'm going to pick them up, I'll immediately reply. Even if I don't know, I'll just say "not sure yet" or something like that. If you have any semblance of civility and manners, you'd know that silence isn't appropriate in that situation. You know the person will be concerned if you don't reply at all; either that, or they're getting ready and they sort of NEED that information (this goes double for girls, I find). :)

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    • 21d

      absolutely agree. and if someone feels like there's something wrong with them for thinking of this, its not a good sign. laid back and disrespectful./ controlling are not the same at all.

    • 21d

      @AriadneSky
      Odd, I always turn this situation and ask when do they want me to pick them up... much simpler if they tell me when then to have to figure out or guess.

  • 7d

    I overthink a fuck big amount as i have an anxiety issue and i'm wondering if i'll ever switch off and be able to relax

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  • 15d

    I actually cannot believe how accurate this is and how it relates to me.
    I am a chronic over thinker, and worry a lot about what my girlfriend replies to me in text etc., if replying at all.
    However there are instances where I feel there is a legitimate reason behind some things i notice, but mainly overthinking.

    Only thing i need now is things to do so I can chill out!

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  • 20d

    I'm gonna follow this so please respond.

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  • 21d

    Yeah I used to be really bad about that. Then I quit caring.

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  • 21d

    Dating is hard.

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  • 21d

    I have the same problem my brain creates this story and I make my self think it's real but when really it's just a story. The problem is we have gathered to much information in the past and we assume it's the same every time and you think you are correct but your unsure. I'm the type of person who will reply quickly became I have the phone on me so I don't know why other people can't either it's a habit of mine if I hear my phone I answer it.

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    • 21d

      Aime people préfère living un thé présent and Will wait for an appropriate moment to answer. I don't see a text as being something that has to be replied to immediately. If it was really important, you'd call. If it's not important, you'll wait.

    • 21d

      Damn, I was on my French keyboard...
      Some people prefer living in the present and Will wait for an appropriate moment to answer. I don't see a text as being something that has to be replied to immediately. If it was really important, you'd call. If it's not important, you'll wait.

  • 22d

    Ya unfornately I've had clingy behaviour in the past but i learned my lesson. And basically we do need to chill out and stop overthinking things. Good take 👍

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  • 22d

    Nice take here! Over thinking stuff and not being relaxed has always been an issue with me. I agree with a lot on this take. Where did you find this?

    Nice work! 👍

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    • 21d

      Thanks for the comment :) glad you enjoyed it. mostly it's from my own experience and stuff I've read elsewhere.

  • 22d

    People should probably stop interpreting things as needy. A lot of normal people get antsy over texts. Whys it got to be some kind of giant personal flaw?

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    • 21d

      Agreed. worrying about every little thing being or being perceived as being needy isa in itself incredibly unattractive.

  • 22d

    This is spot on. Most people are quick to judge. You can't possibly know about the situation a person is in. So it is best to wait for their answer before jumping to conclusions.

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  • 22d

    I think if more women think like u many successful realtionships will occure lol

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  • 22d

    Sometimes I overthink. But I think that can be a good thing at times.

    In dating, recently I've seen how women act vs what they say... and they're usually completely different - and when I see their behavior, I assume they're not interested and I move on.

    After that, though, I tend to wonder if something I do comes off as interest or desperation if I bother at all. it's just being nice - but she might see it as creepy.

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    • 22d

      The girl I dated was similar to that. She talked a lot and then would just be distant all the time hardly talk about anything so felt like she wasn't even interested and then would be like where are you? I'm like well you wouldn't say talk to me.

  • 22d

    Great read :) I shall try to put it to use tonight I hope! Wish me luck!

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  • 22d

    I agree that over analyzing is unhealthy but sometimes it's inevitable depending on how you're treated.

    For instance, I dated a girl a few months ago who was acting hot and cold consistently for the 2 months. One day she'd be all over me and then out of the blue ignore me over the smallest thing then get back to me a few days later and still contact me through social media. It was exhausting and a headache. She was on the rebound, but how it ended was terrible.

    Having said that, if I'm unsure about a person or they give me mixed signals like that, I talk it over with friends before talking to them about it so it doesn't come off the wrong way.

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What Girls Said 12

  • 19d

    I am an over thinker. It is my personality time. I am a Project Manager. I like to have a road map from start to finish. But this article hit home, because I know that in one instance in my life, this very trait, had made me come off as needy, and possibly a control freak. I am really not that way at all, but I think the person who now no longer speaks to me and ended our relationship views me this way. I only wish I had the courage to reach out and try to explain, but it seems like those that are not this type, simply do not understand... thanks for the MY TAKE- Great Job!

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  • 21d

    hmm i worry most of the time
    good take

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  • 7d

    thats right

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  • 8d

    thanks for ur advice

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  • 15d

    i dont want to have a "dating game"... .

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  • 17d

    I know this too well. When I like someone, I get too clingy and I sound desperate and I over think and its so bad. I like this one guy, and he sees me do this weekly. He's the only one that's stayed with me and liked me so much knowing all of this, and he still thinks I'm wonderful. He inspired me to be my best and to not get that way and so far its working.
    He likes when I message him twenty times in a row though, he thinks its cute 😝

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  • 20d

    This really helped me a lot. Thank you for writing this.

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  • 21d

    well, there's no reason for you to set a time when he didmnt. that whole mess ciould have been avoided.

    anyhow i dont think thinking and doormat are connected. usually people try to get away with bad behavior by shaming the other person out of thinking critically.

    thinking on its own does not give you bad feelings bad thoughts or bad behavior. you are talking about paranoia and calling it 'thinking'.

    yeah chilling out is good but you can think and be chill. thinking does not cause you to lose control. its usually lack of thinking that gets people int trouble.

    ys being micromanaged mentally by someone is really uncomfortable, and anyopne is capeable of voicing their discomort if they feel like thats going on. then thjere is communication instead of silent analysis.

    chilling ot happens when people are reasonably aware of the situation. people think when there is a lack of info. no one is magically chill. depends on the context.

    anyhow i think you are referring to paranoia borderline ocd and triggered by chronic lack of communication.. . not 'thinking too much. basically being neurotic instead of proactive.

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  • 22d

    As someone who tends to overthink, I can totally relate.
    Great take!
    Like you, I just like structure and have plans laid out, and not be left in the dark.

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  • 22d

    Great take! I have anxiety so I overthink every little thing but I'm getting better at hiding it! Haha

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  • 22d

    Great take. I couldn't agree more. We've all made that mistake before.

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  • 22d

    Yes yes and yes!! I'm a true over thinker and it really hurts my ego. I hate hate hate when a guy I like doesn't respond as quickly as I do. I hate being ignored, I NEED attention and if I don't get it. I'll get it somewhere else. I'm not insecure or clingy or needy I've gotten over that but I too like things planned out. I like to know what will happen, when and with who.

    It doesn't mean I'm desperate or clingy or insecure.

    I just like structure. 😕😕😕😕

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