The Dangers of Relationship/Dating Games

It is often perceived in modern dating "industry" that to get a guy/girl/partner you have to wait to text/meet/talk/ask out and so on. The reality, however, is very-very different from that. What most courses fail to mention, is that if you have time for game playing- you should probably find something better to do to improve yourself. I should admit, them waiting a little bit is a good thing, but MAKING them wait isn't.

Why is that? Well, to begin with it is an availability vibe factor. See, you might have never even noticed, but you can actually feel when a person is "needy" or "too available", even when you have to wait for them. You don't consciously see it in most cases, because the person is not important enough for you to concentrate on what they're sending your way. I am not kidding. And do they become more important? No! If anything, it gets annoying and eventually you realise that contact with them is not really enjoyable. The concept of "making them chase you" is initially needy, because you put a conscious effort into being, what you perceive as "interesting", but really it's not the case. Your desire to be chased after is based on your pride, desire for your self-worth to be "approved" with an outside attention, your insecurities and, most importantly, lack of self-respect. You can argue with that, but when you stop being a chasee you'll see exactly what I am talking about.

I guess, I would have to use myself as a living example, as I am in a stable committed relationship and shifting my view on the whole "game playing" busyness has doubtlessly contributed to where we are now.

I was actively dating for a year and a half and being a person who values love and who was looking for it I was hoping that every next man i meet would be the one I would hope to be with for a long time. I told myself that I am looking for a person and that once I find them everything will be good. Do you see where the problem was? Like many I was seeking validation, admiration and attention, in fact, I almost demanded that! And there my research started, I found "how to make him chase you" and "how to be a prize" articles and everything along those lines. So many of them fail to mention the simple truth - you can't make someone chase you!

It is true what they say about kissing frogs before you kiss a prince, but sometimes you have to realise that you're the ugly duckling who needs to kiss frogs to turn into a beautiful bird. And so I learnt, sometimes painlessly and sometimes with such a heart ache that I stopped in the middle of the room and broke down crying. Why? Well, you see, when you're not "interested" in a person it's quite easy do disregard their feelings until you get in their place. So I dated a few people here and there, until I met a guy, lets call him Rey, who I wanted to try going on with. He seemed to be funny, witty, nice and, what is important to me, well-read. He was my practice material, my "try it all on him" case. Well not at the very beginning, not when it all seemed like roses and rainbows. I was being me, chatty, funny and extremely friendly, actually I wasn't needy then (yes, i am sure of that.). But I was unaware that I was completely incompatible with him. I haven't noticed how I took the lead, how he became disinterested... but that's another story. The moral is - I became upset and started plotting on "how can I get him to chase me". Now, as I have said before, that mind-set hurts you and does nothing to the other person. The more I "played" the more dependent, diminished, frustrated and hurt I became. Games suck you in. And I haven't noticed how I became dependent on his text-backs, how I needed his validation, how I turned from a confident and radiant person, who can cheer up anyone with just a few jokes, into insecure, stressed and eventually heartbroken and depressed person. It took me a few months to realise that it's not going to happen. But it was too late for me to get out. Half a year later I decided that it's time to heal and learn. So I came back to the dating scene with an entirely new attitude.

I spent 7 months wallowing in my misery, which illustrated the danger of relationship "games" very well. This time I decided not to play anything, if I get hurt - it's fine, i'll learn; if it doesn't work out - fine too. By then I knew that just finding that person is not going to make my life 100 from 10. I picked up new and old hobbies, started reconnecting with friends and made my career and education a first priority. Four months later I met the most fantastic man I could have only dreamt of. Not saying he's perfect, we all aren't, but he's definitely the "right fit", if you will, and I haven't played any games with him from the day we first exchanged messages.

Of course, the past left it's footprint, and I catch myself overthinking and being tempted to "play" a little (I never do), but I have disclosed my hurts and wounds really early on, so my partner knows those and, I am sure, realises that I become upset not with him but with myself when I feel lonely or a bit neglected. It's in no way his fault and is a consequence of me playing games long before him.

But, I still missed days of texts in the first few weeks, in fact I know that after I took a few days to reply my lovely man assumed that "that's it". But the truth is, no games were involved! I was just busy having a wonderful life I still maintain in its fullness.

My boyfriend is not the centre of my universe, he's my comfort, support and, hopefully, future. But if this won't work out - I'll learn and I would never regret any experiences we've shared and any memories I'll be left with. The past left some scars, but you learn from them.

The lesson here is a simple one, but a difficult one to master. You don't have to be chased or to chase, you have to be a full, fulfilled and a happy person with or without a relationship, you need to learn to love yourself and to fill your life with things that you enjoy. I don't care if you're passionate about video games, anime or environmental crisis and ice caps, as long as you are happy and have a full rewarding life you'll be fine. If self-love is not a good enough incentive for you and you're still keen to be chased, here's a simple excursus for you: improve your life so you'll have something to share and show your significant other when you meet them. Never let yourself think that anyone can define who you are and don't lose sight of yourself. And never-ever allow yourself to play the "relationship game," instead, if you feel this urge, go for a run, call a friend, read a book, play a game... keep busy and happy. A good relationship is a compliment to a good life and lots of self love. Always keep in mind that you're the only one responsible for your emotions and feelings.

"no one can make you feel inferior without your consent"

Happy dating!


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What Guys Said 9

  • 2d

    Yes I like this take. And the end quote is very very good.

    I don't understand people who play games tbh. It makes me sad when I encounter it as I actually thought the person was a decent person till then. I wonder if you can help me, I wrote two questions on a girl who makes me wonder wtf is going on?

    www.girlsaskguys.com/.../q2200664-why-do-girls-read-reply-later-on-whatsapp-even-to-friends-potential

    www.girlsaskguys.com/.../q2182612-how-d-a-woman-act-around-these-guys-do-they-allow-some-men-to-get

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  • 4d

    Thanks for this and I'll learn from that mistake. Goodbye master mind games girl, i have to move on.

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    • 3d

      if you haven't anything nice to say - don't say anything at all. And if you have nice to say but don't know how to say it nicely don't say anything either.

  • 4d

    This is the best, most real, most necessary, and most helpful my take I have read

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  • 4d

    BRAVO! Love you brutal honesty and new self-awareness. Maybe more ladies will take your post to heart as this is exhibit A on what really gets on guys nerves about dating "modern" women these days. One can only hope.

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  • 4d

    Agreed. I have no patience for mind games. A few months ago I briefly dated a girl who I thought I was the most compatible with as we had a ton of things in common and she was very attractive. We got along great, but the problem was she had just gotten out of a 5 year relationship prior to meeting her and she was acting hot and cold consistently.

    Her hot and cold behavior made it so much of a headache. It made me feel like I was walking on eggshells all the time, feeling like it could end any minute. When it ended, it ended HORRIBLY. It's like working a job and constantly worrying about being fired.

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    • 4d

      The issue with mind games is that it causes a lot of over analyzing, possibly neediness, and how long do you have to play the mind games for until you both stop the BS and decide you both like each other, ya know?

      I mean you don't gotta smother each other when dating but playing mind games just makes us think that the person has lost interest.

  • 4d

    The dangers of the dating game is every failed relationship cause women to become that much more jaded/bitter about love and less capable of falling in love with the next guy she is with.

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  • 4d

    People play games because they're scared... scared to fall, scared to commit or reject, scared to basically do anything a relationship requires.

    So they play games and get some half-bastardized version of what a relationship should be because they don't effectively put themselves out there.

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    • 4d

      Forgot to add that in doing that, it messes with the other person's head in the process, which only makes their experiences with relationships and their perceptions of them go down the toilet.

      Because people are scared.

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    • 4d

      Hahaha brilliant 😂 I like that you know it! 🙃

      Exactly! I'm waiting for the same thing, be patient, we shall both find someone as amazing as ourselves one day 😉

    • 4d

      @LifeIsStrange Just try not to be scared. 😉 And I will do the same. It's not easy...

  • 4d

    What you're saying here is very true. I don't know why many people love playing mind games, but I think it's because of their own insecurities and/or their incapability to love.

    Great mytake.

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  • 4d

    great

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What Girls Said 6

  • 4d

    I couldn't agree more! Many people expect to be completed by another person, when in reality it's more about sharing. And you can't share anything if you are not happy with your own self.

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  • 2d

    well done

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  • 2d

    Very nice take!

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  • 3d

    experiments with our loved ones, and sometimes begin to listen to the advice of "experienced": my mother, my aunt's, Sosedkina, podruzhkiny... But did they give us advice authoritative, unless they were able to build a harmonious relationship in the family, whether their family is the compass which is leveled? And following the advice of TV psychologists, sexologists and other popular figures, only create more instability in the relationship..
    And in the end hurt us, hurt and her husband and children...

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  • 4d

    This has really spoken to me. I have always been one of those girls who just wants a boyfriend, thinking it would make me feel happier and more self fulfilled. I've rushed into relationships without getting to know someone just to get that intimacy and love, only to realise that we aren't that compatible. I'm trying my best to be happier in myself and seek out friendship and companionship instead.
    Thank you for such an awesome MyTake 😊

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  • 4d

    good one

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