Long Distance Relationship - She's Contemplating Suicide - She feels a-lot of problems are her own fault - Won't let me help - I'v ran out of options?

[Anonymous]

Okay, as the title suggest i'm in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend. We've been friends since the 9th grade and i'm currently 21 now. We've been dating since Feb2014 , so it's kinda fresh, but we are very close with each other.

So Just some things.. I know she's always been suicidal. When we were young she's always thought about hurting herself and.. well So have I. But recently I'v been seeing a therapist for the pass couple months, and I can honestly say I feel a-lot better about myself.

I try my hardest to bring things that the therapist teaches me into our relationship to help her, and it has slowly developed and helped her.. But she's still getting to that depressed state.

Just recently she said she really wanted to hurt herself.. and being suicidal myself.. You won't do it unless you've gotten a plan.. She said Pills, and she was really thinking about it.

She won't accept money from me to see a therapist. and i really.. i'v ran out of options =/

[Willow4]

Hi :)

I can empathize with what you're saying here cos my first relationship was with a guy who had a lot of problems and so did I. At the outset you appear to help eachother and offer eachother the understanding and support you lack from everybody else but the only purpose a relationship like that serves is bringing you both down with together.

Really what you both are are good support systems when you're down but when one person decides to get some help or move on with their life (as you'e doing) it causes disruption in the emotional equilibrium you were both in. You're both now not in the same head space because you've chosen to breakaway from feeling depressed and you're taking steps to get better whereas your girlfriend hasn't found the courage to do that yet. Right now you're relationship won't work and I would encourage you from being in your very shoes to either take a step back and have a break or possibly leave it as friends. It's so important for you to continue getting better because you have a life to live and as much as you care and have a connection with this girl, you're also not in a position geographically to be able to help her. She has to do some of that herself and by throwing all your efforts into trying to help her you're jeopardizing your own healing and progress.

Dos she have family and friends around her that can help? At 21 it's a lot to shoulder when you feel you're the only support she has especially if she's suicidal. I'm from the UK so we have therapists on the NHS and I'm not sure if there's a way of being able to see somebody without paying in America but that could be something she could look into or at the very least see her doctor.

The bottom line is you can't make the choice for her to get better, only she can have that willpower. It might have worked when you were both down or both getting better but as it is you're both going in different directions for the foreseeable future.

[Willow4]

I wish you both all the best though! :)

[Asker]

I can't break up with her.

[Asker]

I love this girl WAY to much to break up with her. I'v already put in a request for an early seperation (im in the military) I want to come home and take care of her. I want to be there for her and I don't see myself DROPPING the relationship JUST BECAUSE she's DAMAGED. Sorry.. But i'm sure you heard of that phrase.. a 100 dollar bill that's crumbled, torn and steped on.. Still holds value. and that's how people are. No matter how turn, torn or damaged people are , YOU DONT LEAVE THEM because they're like that! I want to help her in any way possible!

[Asker]

Please don't think i'm angry when texting this, I really thank you for giving me your opinion :]

[Willow4]

I'm not saying you should just drop or leave her but I had to make that decision with my boyfriend and actually he is much better and so am I when we forced ourselves to separate temporarily to get ourselves better. If you love her sometimes you need to be harsh with her, she won't make the necessary changes to her life when she doesn't have to and she doesn't have to when she knows you will make excuses for her all the time. How do you suggest helping her if she doesn't want help? You said yourself you've ran out of options. Don't let your love for her blind the fact that she is also an adult and if she cared about this relationship she would use that as an incentive to try. I've had to seriously push myself to sort myself out in relationships because it wasn't fair on the other person. You can bring a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

[Willow4]

Oh right sorry, I thought you were annoyed at me :P I know you love her, honestly I've been suicidal and so was my ex, it is really tough loving someone like that and I give you credit for being such a wonderful person for trying this hard :)

[Asker]

I'm writing all of this down btw, I'm ganna use it later. I think you might of miss-read me. I don't baby her with this. I tell her straight up she can't think like that anymore, and I tell her she has to stay positive and I want to help her anyway possible.

[Asker]

It's not that she doesn't want my help, She wants me there every step of the way, it's just she doesn't want my MONEY.. She has a thing with taking money cause she feels she's Obligated to pay back.

[Willow4]

It's good you tell her that. But the thing is, ask yourself what else can you do? At least right now. You can't realistically be there without taking leave (which again, is jeopardizing your progress) and even if you are there you can't change everything about her current situation. You love her and I get that but you're not a miracle worker. Don't expect yourself to be able to magically make everything right for her, you can't. If her current life with her family and work etc isn't good then at least right now you can't change that so my advice to you would be continue doing the positive things YOU'RE doing, it makes no sense for the pair of you to be unproductive. Keep in contact with her and check up on her but don't put your whole life on hold for something that can't be fixed at this moment in time. Remember if this all ends up bringing you back down, you're not a good partner unless you're emotionally sound. Either of you.

[Willow4]

You're in a difficult situation :/ I just hope she realizes that aswell. It's taken a lot of courage for you to get back up and move on with life, I just don't want you to be held back either. When you've had suicidal thoughts, which I'm sure you know, you're sensitive and emotional and it doesn't take much to bring you back down again. She needs to understand that you need her support aswell. Relationships are two way things :)

[Asker]

So.. I should break up with her because... I'm going to put MY life on hold? That's.. sorry that's just so silly.. I could care less about My life, My relationship comes before My life. I'v chosen not to want to be with anyone else but her. Yes, i'm going to continue to be myself, and talk to her and care for her, but I dont see how forcing myself out of this relationship could possible help me. If anything it would make me super depressed :(

[Asker]

I'm going to bring this up, And tell her I need her support and I need her to WANT to get better.. but she kinda just like.., Idk.. its so fucking hard for me.

[Willow4]

I think you're taking what I'm saying too personally :/ What I'm saying is a relationship is successful when both people are emotionally on the same wavelength and both are working together, moving forwards and are positive. Otherwise what you essentially become is an emotional crutch for somebody else. I'm not saying leave her, what I'm saying is, work on yourself and be a better INDIVIDUAL. That is also what she needs to be doing. A relationship is made up of people not problems. I guarantee you this WILL NOT WORK in the long run if neither of you sort out your lives and problems. I've been there, I've attempted suicide, I've self harmed in front of my partner. You might be emotionally connected, amazing support systems for eachother but if all you do is sort out eachother's problems it is not a relationship that will work long term. Please consider yourself in this, you can only be a good partner if you're in the right emotional space yourself :)

[Willow4]

Yeah see exactly...you're proving my point lol. You want to move forward together as a couple, but it won't happen because she doesn't want the same. She might think she does but if she doesn't want to sort the problems out then a relationship, a happy fulfilling one at least, isn't really possible. You want her to get better because you have, because you've broken away from being unhappy and become stronger for it. She hasn't done that and i promise you that she won't until she realizes what's at stake. You don't have to split up but have a break from eachother, allow her time on her own to be strong and sort some of her issues out. You need to give her credit as an individual to do that. Once she has some sort of plan in mind or some help available to her, then get a bit closer. Make her understand that you want to be with her but that you want a happy relationship. That's not an unreasonable thing for anybody to want and it's not saying you don't love her. It's saying you both need

[Willow4]

to do what's necessary now to make things better for you in the future.

Ok sorry I'll stop leaving such long messages :P

[randomhobo]

You might want to contact her parents. She will hate you for it at first but they'll be able to get her to go to a therapist and prevent her from killing herself.

[Asker]

they're part of the reason why she wants to hurt herself.

[Asker]

Her parents are part of the issue. They're poor, They don't have great medical coverage, and They dont even care about her schooling. Her father delayed putting in her financial aid payment until the END OF THE SEMESTER. Completely putting her college career in peril. She's constantly reminded by them that she's a failure to the household and to her family. she works none stop, and her money is being taken from her while she works at a fast food place. Her money is taken to pay bills. It's completely unfair. Her father hasent worked in years, and he's taking her money.

[randomhobo]

Her close friends? Someone who is close to her who can go and make sure she hasn't killed herself. Just someone who is close enough to her to help.

[Asker]

she's not going to kill herself right this moment.. she's only been having "thoughts"

[randomhobo]

You'll still want someone near her to know, just to keep an eye on her.

[Asker]

her sister knows..

[virginguru]

the only way to really help her is in person, spending time with her will help change her life for the better; being lonely is always depressing. When you do meet up with her try spending some time cuddling.

[Asker]

I live in hawaii, And i'm in the military =/

[virginguru]

You could ask her to visit you and buy her a plane ticket, heck that is even better a couple days in Hawaii showing her some affection. Just make sure to plan it on your time off base.

[Asker]

this is very much a possibility. But she makes not a lot of money, and She doesn't want me to use my money.

[virginguru]

a little white lie never hurt anyone, tell her its for you more than her; let her know you want to see her. Its down right impossible to help someone from that far away, and a relationship without that physical interaction isn't much of a relationship; I'm sure she will feel differently in your arms.

[Asker]

I agree with you, but i just recently got back from leave with her. April 13-27th I went home and it's only been about 2 months apart.. I can't go on leave again..

[virginguru]

that is why you need to plan it out around your time off base and have her visit you in Hawaii, she also needs to find the reason behind her depression; she has to realize that suicide is a permanent answer to a temporary problem.

[yaddayaddayadda02]

You are kind of stuck. She is in control of her life, you can't help someone who doesn't want help.

[Gewoonuy]

Same, I got the same problem but we are 14. I'm trying my best to keep her happy. This is like this for months and I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I wanna be happy with her. We live like 8 hours away from each other and she's one of the best people I met on this globe I just don't know what to do anymore. She doesn't wanna go to a therapist because her parents will be involved.

[Anonymous]

That's sad, but it's kind of up to her.

[Asker]

That's so wrong. You don't build a relationship over several years of love and care and make a decision by yourself to end your life. That's selfish. Where is the relationship in that?

[Opinion Owner]

I think you totally misunderstood what I said.