Was this text message too harsh to send, to a girl who isn't texting or replying to me contacting her?

I was going through my phone yesterday, and noticed some girls whose numbers I got a few weeks ago, haven't messaged me back in more than three days since I last contacted them.

So I sent the following 'fire alarm' phone message (aka, a message with a vibe of signaling finality) to each of these girls, and I quote exactly what the text was in the message I copied and pasted to each girl [on a separate text thread for each number, of course]:

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"I don't want to waste time on a dead dating prospect. You're not texting or calling me back at all! What's your deal?"

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One of the girls messaged me back, saying that my above message was "rude and disrespectful". I personally don't think I was in the wrong at all (she finally responded, right? lol),

but do YOU think my quoted text message above was rude or disrespectful?

Please vote on the poll and answer in as much detail as you wish, using yourself or others as examples. #PleaseAndThankYou

  • yes, your text was rude and disrespectful
    30% (22)21% (6)28% (28)Vote
  • your text was rude, but not disrespectful
    36% (26)29% (8)34% (34)Vote
  • your text was disrespectful, not rude
    8% (6)4% (1)7% (7)Vote
  • seriously... there was nothing rude nor disrespectful about your text
    26% (19)46% (13)31% (32)Vote
And you are? I'm a GirlI'm a Guy

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I don't think it was super bad, a bit harsh though. But I totally get what you are trying to do. You basically want to weed people out to see if there is any reason you need to keep trying with them.

    I think what you were trying to accomplish with the message is totally reasonable. All too often in dating people waste other people's time. Giving them false hope or leading people on to think something more is going to happen.

    I think next time, I would just send something a little less harsh. Explain that you have noticed the communication has been dying down between you too, and you just want to confirm whether they are still interested or not. And that it is okay if they aren't interested. Hopefully they will be honest.

    I totally get the frustration, because this seems to happen to me all too often. I Start talking to a guy, we have a great conversation. Then he loses interest. Not sure what I did, but they lose interest :(

    I think the way you laid out your message definitely comes across as a bit angry and needy. Asking "You're not texting or calling me back at all! What's your deal?", sounds really needy. It's possible that all the girls you have been talking to have been busy. Perhaps with work or other obligations.

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    • I sent that message about 24 hours ago, we'll see what happens.

    • Thank you!

Most Helpful Guy

  • It comes across as frustrated. In other words, it feels like you're showing your cards to early... which you may not be... but there's an old school of thought:
    "Don't let them see you sweat."

    I have girls ignore me... there's the idea you call them on it, let them know you're not cool with it, and sometimes, there's something to it. But there's the other side which says "Don't give them too much power over you."

    I had a friend who randomly mentioned how nasty some of the girls were that we hung out with. It's true. But... they do it to all the nerdy guys... we just try to move on with our lives and ignore it.

    I don't play games... I would expect a grown woman to not want anything to do with playing those head games either. They do that, then... they're not your type. You found out early, count your blessings.

    Girls don't text unless they're interested. Once in a while (not often), there's a good reason for it. They're not interested. They've become the "annoying kid" to you. You act playful, keep it light (unless they're WAY out of line); and you play for a little, but when you want to go big boy stuff, you're not around because you're dealing with other adults.

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    • This is an interesting method that I never thought about

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    • @M_A_X

      Thanks for the reply. No, there's nothing wrong with wanting courtesy, or being frustrated. But one school of thought is do you let them know it?

      Like I'm in a ticked off mood right now about many things. Relationships (friendships), dating, work, lack of income for the workload, stress... I'm in a very ticked off, snappish mood in real life. Being ticked is ok. Me going into a rant to casual friends about the lack of respect and the BS about not being hired by people but them always trying to bleed me dry (or me telling people off in public) is not going to go well for me. It's how we handle it. Maybe their friends are hot. ;) So to burn that bridge over a few times of interaction and passive aggressive BS, just isn't worth it in my opinion. Sometimes yes. But in many cases, it can blow up on ya. Just my opinion.

    • In this case, I don't think he did anything wrong.

      Yelling at people about things that aren't their fault, like you not getting a job, is a dick move. Yelling at people for something that they are consciously choosing to do because they think they can get away with it? I don't see that as wrong

What Girls Said 44

  • Somebody has been following too much PUA advice. That text reeked of it. It does ome across as rude and disrespectful, because it's treating dating like a business transaction, and that she then owes you an explanation for why she hasn't followed up.

    1) You don't even know the girl 2) You already know what the deal is - she didn't answer. 3) You sent the same message to several women. Meaning, none of them in particular were very special to you, you were just playing a numbers game (which is the PUA tactic). So you're bothered she hasn't explained yourself to you, meanwhile you're using the same line on lots of different women just trying to get a bite.

    Do you see the hypocrisy here?

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    • I honestly think a typical PUA wouldn't had even sent that text because they'd have so many other girls in line that they wouldn't care. That's a huge reach to assume he thinks they "owe" him a response from just ONE text, we don't know what else was said besides she didn't take kindly to what he said. You also don't know him, but you think he's views all of this as a GAME. Like me personally I like talking to women one at a time, talking to multiple women just seems tiring. But you can still be a player going about it the way I do. You could still just let's say talk to only a girl a month and drop her before the next one starts. He could still very well be a good guy with good intentions, but just likes to have options. He could get talk to three girls, let's say one becomes interested, another wants to just be friends, and the other doesn't reply. Now he can be totally exclusive to that one girl and let's say it doesn't work out.

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    • Maybe I jumped to too many conclusions, but I think I was misunderstood a bit too. I don't think there's anything wrong with talking to multiple girls, or even that you're not that invested in them yet. My issue came with sending the exact same message to several girls, who you are not that invested in, basically asking them what their deal is and why they're not more invested.

      Do you see what I'm saying? You're within your right to talk to loads of girls, but when you get to the point where you're sending the same "What's your deal" text to several, it's like the pot calling the kettle black. They're not that invested and neither are you, or it would've been one personalized text to one girl.

    • Hmm I can see how doing a copy-and-paste final message is a douchey PUA looking move. I will admit I sent that message impulsively and wanted it sent ASAP so personalizing it didn't cross my mind.

  • It was somewhat rude and disrespectful (I mean, it certainly wasn't the epitome of politeness), but more importantly, it only made YOU look bad. Did you really think a text like that was going to get you anywhere? If someone isn't texting you back, it's because either they don't want to, or they were busy. In the case that they didn't want to text you back, probably all you did was make them feel like they were right for not wanting to talk to you. And if they were simply busy, then this was a dramatic overreaction that makes you seem way too invested in a relationship that apparently consists of nothing more than texting. Either way, you lose. Next time, if someone isn't responding, either just let it go, or give it a few days and try texting them again.

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    • I will admit I got tired of pretending like I wasn't annoyed by the lack of replies. Sending playful fun messages to provoke texting back felt so fucking phony after the second-third message.

    • I get it. But you have to think about how it's going to sound to the person, and how it's going to look to them. Whatever her reason for not responding, why would a text like that trigger any positive results? You're either going to come off as rude and annoy them, or you're going to look clingy and over-attached. You don't actually know these girls well, right? You're just texting them? I think you stepped outside the boundary of what an interaction like that is supposed to be like. Once you're actually dating, you can show that you're invested, but this was a little too soon.

  • Your text came off as being rude and disrespectful. If any of those girls liked you even a little bit, they probably don't anymore after that.

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  • I would definitely not reply back if I received this text. It was a bit out of the blue and some people just get busy. I'm not good at replying and I know full well I'm not, but when people get rude about it, it's not nice.
    You could've sent a nicer message, asking how they've been and wondering where they got to.

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  • I don't think that your text was rude or disrespectful.
    Perhaps it came across a bit harsh but.. I think people who take the 'slow and steady' approach when it comes to dating in respect to numbers you got and such, are often the ones who finish last. The ones who end up pulling their hair out for who knows how long because they're not sure why the girl didn't reply often, if at all, when they'd already placed all their eggs in that one basket.

    If you're interested in that girl, you could always reply with something like 'I didn't mean to be disrespectful. Sorry if that came across a bit strong but I was just wondering if your lack of contact should be taken as your being not interested.'
    (Girls love apologies. I guarantee that the 'sorry' will work wonders. :P )

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    • I already did the "sorry" thing, and it definitely softened the blow and made her less mad lol.

    • She ended up being one of those "I gave you my number because I was afraid to reject you" types of gals. Strange to see that a woman older than me still does that shit :-P

  • No woman is playing hard to get by not texting back in a few days, maybe a few hours., but a few days is no interest. It feels like you vented out your frustration on women not responding to these few women with a passive aggressive text and you are disguising it as being liberating and bold and also feeling secretly happy that none of them are special because u sent them all the same thing. LOL my over analysis is real! But all in all the text was not rude and disrespectful at least not to me :)

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  • Well, nothing for you to gain there.
    Honestly, it sounds a bit like those guys who insult you after you refused to exchange numbers, talk to them or go on a date with them.
    Were you really expecting a message like "you know, you're very nice, but I don't think it's working out..."?

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  • I don't think it was.
    But usually I don't waste my time with such people.
    If I'm trying to pursue you and you don't answer me back , I have a three day rule and then your number is deleted altogether.
    This allows me to fight the temptation to contact you even if I'm dying to know what happened.
    If someone is interested , nothing will get in their way.
    It's all just excuses.

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  • there's really nothing wrong with it in my opinion, and she only replied to you after you put your foot down and made it clear you wanted nothing to do with her anymore. ah some women, this is why men nowadays believe women only respond to "playing hard to get" or "rude guys".
    she was ignoring your constant texts, probably bragging to her friends "ooh this guy wants me" and making you come off as desperate, if she was serious, she would have texted back.
    you did nothing wrong and women need to understand that we can no longer be passive in dating, chivalry is dead and we (or I should say feminists of our time) killed it. move on don't dwell on it.

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  • Wow some of these responses to you are a little harsh. Your message was a bit on the rude side. I understand that you were looking for closure, but this approach was a bit... I don't know what word to use... aggressive? It seemed very filled with resentment and criticism at her disrespect and just kinda brutal.

    If someone WE'RE playing hard to get, then they would likely no longer be interested and if they weren't and simply weren't interested this would reaffirm they made the right choice

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  • If she's not texting you back then she's obviously not interested. No need to hound her about it or try to make her feel bad about not responding. I mean do you really want to date someone that only responded because it was rude and they were put through a guilt trip?

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  • I'm not gonna judge about the rudeness or disrespectful-ness of your message. I will say it was pushy/demanding. Honestly, if people don't respond to you, it's because they don't care/respect you. Move on. Don't waste your time & energy for another minute on them.

    FYI, I have to practice this myself. I sent a message via LinkedIn last week to a guy I knew/dated in college. He hasn't responded. Apparently I don't warrant a response. Fine, moving on.

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  • I'm more interested in what you said to her afterwards... Or how did your conversation continue. Personally I would've said well I got you to respond didn't I? Do you know what's also rude not giving people responses. We were having a conversation and that's ride of you to just leave me hanging. At least I had the curtesy to say what's on my mind, finish/end our discussion, and do what you couldn't. So like I asked what is your deal? If you can't tell me that then don't respond at all.

    And I wouldn't necessarily say your text was rude or disrespectful however it was blunt... It depends on how you interpret it. But at least you got to he point. You don't want her to waist your time why should you waist hers? I really do hope you didn't let her have the last word calling you/what you said rude and disrespectful when she's being rude and disrespectful towards you. It took a message like that to get her to respond 😒

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  • They're obviously not interested, move on. Simple as that.

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    • I don't see the harm of one last "fire alarm" message in case she was playing hard to get or something, before moving on. Did u think I was going to hound her for weeks on ends for not texting back? :-P

    • Too many female users here assume that I would be sending her mean angry ass shit for weeks and months! Have you gals really been around guys that do that? :-/

    • I find that most people don't reply anymore if they're not interested. My mom gets that a lot, where people just disappear & she's upset about it. But I think it's ok, either way, to let someone know that they're not interested, or missy completely drop them. Unless, of course, they started monogamously dating each other. Some people don't know how to say goodbye without upsetting the other. I wasn't assuming you'd hound them lol. But yes, I have been hounded by every single person who's been interested in me. It's ok to an extent, but the people I've dealt with haven't given up. In fact, a month before my wedding, an ex (of a weekend long thing in high-school, & I graduated 7 years ago. We just had occasional sex 4 years ago a couple times) had asked if I'd be interested in getting together again. Then when I said no, he asked for pictures. I don't understand some people lol. I've been stalked multiple times, had multiple fake fb accounts made to contact me, & I'm not even that great!

  • Well they are a bunch of stuck up cunts who can't bother themselves to just say why they didn't care to text you.

    Those chicks are just WAY too sensitive.

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    • Looks at the responses these female users are giving! Like being direct and #NoBullshit is somehow a bad thing. Have they not been around masculine men before?

    • If a guy texted that to me either I forgot to response or not interested. If its the i forgot part I would apologize for making them feel bad. If its the not interested I would still say sorry but I'm not interested to keep anything going.

    • I like your style. :)

  • Hm not rude and disrespectful. But not light and funny and friendly either. I find the best method is to send a text like 'hey guess what, I nearly set my kitchen on fire making pancakes this morning!!' And then see what happens. If they still want to chat something will come out of it and the friendship is back on. But being too serious too early on is off putting, keep it light next time :)

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  • Nah sounds like smthng I would do.
    They are being rude and disrespectful by not replying. If you re not interested just say so and stop wasting my time.

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    • That's what I'm saying! There are quite a few girls that seem to prefer that passive "fading into nothingness" stuff, they obviously don't have their big girl pants on

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    • *in the right

      You were close enough!

    • Ow that s a typo mistake I meant in.
      Aghh that s because I am on my phone. I HATE touch xD

  • It just sounds like your mad!

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    • I was bothered not at the level of "mad", but just annoyed at the passivity that women have. So I have to know if she's interested or not, and this was my method. :-P

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    • I'm definitely going through a dating drought, keep on meeting girls that aren't on my level. Gotta keep on fishing for lady-fish!

  • It was rude, but not disrespectful.

    I get the frustration, so I guess you just reacted in affect. It's always good to know where you stand. Definitely.

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  • Youd could have handled this much better. Instead of "What's you're deal?" You could have asked if there was a reason that they weren't messaging you. You have every right to cut off women who don't respond to you for massive amounts of time, but simply ask them if they're planning on talking, and if not then get rid of them.

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  • However how can we tell the whole truth if we only see what you wrote. Where are the previous messages? But no you weren't in the wrong she is just bytt hurt now because you called her out. She is probably stringing you along or just really busy. Either way no matter of how busy a person is at they try to make an effort to contact you even if it's a smiley face or a "Hi" it's all about what they deem is a priority or not.

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  • You seemed a bit anxious. In dating you need to take it slow and know what you are getting into. I normally text guys by the 2nd day of getting their numbers but not all girls are the same. Dont force interactions or get annoyed because of a lack of. I believe that the people who want to be in your life would make required effort.

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    • I texted a few times several days apart with little to no response before I sent that quoted message, I'm not crazy enough of a person to send that text as the first one ever! :-P

    • Well I guess they werent that interested...

  • I don't really understand what you expected to achieve. If someone doesn't text you back it means their not interested. You say you don't want to waste your time but that's exactly what your doing. No one is obligated to text or date you.

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    • She could have been playing hard to get or maybe she was really busy, so what if she isn't interested?

      Even if she did lose interest and wants to face away , a quick copy-and-paste message like what I sent isn't gonna make things any WORSE, so I see all pros and no cons with sending that message. ✌

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    • @AIAthefirst... and she has no answer. Guess she's stumped. :-P

    • Maybe she was interested and then lost interest. Maybe she met someone new.

  • No one is obligated to text you back you're not in a relationship yet so you should take their lack of response as lack of interest.

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    • Nothing wrong with making certain with a blanket text like that... she could have been playing "hard to get". She isn't obligated to text me back like u said, and I'm obligated to ponder what's going on so I took the direct approach.

      Plus if her interest was already gone, it was just a copy and paste text anyway, and sending it won't change her interest level in me anyways.

    • Yes that is true

  • well you seem bit pissed off.. you could've handled it in a better way.. still not disrespectful.. but not good way of being ''direct''

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  • I think B because you could have worded it a lot more kinder but there was nothing disrespectful about it.

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  • You were being honest.

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    • Supposedly I was being too direct and "needy" based on some of the female opinions here!

      Good to hear a woman that can appreciate the direct #NoBullshit style of man. :)

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    • Not according to some of these female answers!

    • Haha that's why we get a sensitive stereotype ;)

  • I don't know about rude and disrespectful, but it definitely would have creeped me out. I either would have texted back ok, have a nice life. or continued to ignore you and if you ever texted again, blocked you.

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    • How was my text "creepy"? I don't get it

    • you're not even officially dating and you're getting upset because they haven't responded in the past 3 days. people have lives. and possible responsibilites. what right do you have to freak out on them for not rushing to respond to everything you say. depending on what the texts were about they may have assumed no response was necessary. or perhaps while busy read the text, planned on responding later and just forgot, everyone does that. the more mature thing would have been to say hey, did you get my last text or simply ask what's going on

  • I said it was maybe it was the way you wrote it but you said you "noticed" and saying that makes me believe that you hadn't noticed that they hadn't responded until you looked through your phone So what's the big deal?

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    • haha u think that when a guy gets a girl's number, that he is checking ALL DAY AND NIGHT to see if she responded? lol

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    • I text them, they rarely text back if at all. I communicate. in an engaging personalized way (before the final message), they did not.

      So in terms of communication and manners i AM better than them.

    • No I never said who was better I was saying them not responding is one thing that's yes I guess you could say it was rude because if they didn't wanna talk to you they shouldn't have given you there number but you saying what you said doesn't make what they did any better, now you'll are both wrong.
      I don't mean don't speak your mind but there was a better way to communicate that you wanted the girls to respond quicker.

  • I voted A but would also add pointless.

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What Guys Said 9

  • Wow dude...
    U failed to exercise emotional self control... This totally fucks the woman's ability to feel safe and comfortable with you
    She didn't text u back and u couldn't take it and got angry... Thats weakness on ur part...
    She will never date you.

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    • Yeah I'll admit that I was irritated and sent that message impulsively

  • i don't see it as rude or disrespectful, just straight up and in her face, thats all lol.

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    • Yup, pretty much, I don't play no games! lol

      I am very much like my dad in that respect, I can be straight up and #NoBullshit when it comes to people being passive. Plus if said gal is already lost interest, that message won't make a difference, but if she is interested but is being a bad replyer or is playing hard to get, then she'll shape up. Nothing but pros! :)

  • The intention was fine. The formulation was rude and disrespectful. It sounded like : Hey stupid, entertain me or I am going to fuck other broads.
    It might have not been the intention, but it's the vibe you sent.

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  • If she says she'll let you know, that means directly. She wasn't upholding her end of the bargain. You forced her to be honest. And she is whining because how dare someone make her have to earn her desired outcome, and confront her about her own character flaws in the process.

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  • There's nothing rude or disrespectful about putting hateful people in their places. If they're not going to text back, they're the ones that are rude and disrespectful.

    Don't worry though, bigots have this bad habit of projecting their own problems onto other people

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  • Eh you sounded a little aggressive and maybe could've worded it a little different. Me personally if I hadn't heard from either of them that long I would've just deleted their numbers. Everyone's busy until they don't wanna be busy.

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    • True, I figured I give one final "fire alarm" attempt before I wrote them off. Some of these females users' opinions make it sound like I am going to hound these girls for weeks on end for not messaging back! What type of dudes have they been talking to? :-P

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    • I like initiating that aggressive direct, upfront #NoBullshit type of style only when I feel the person is being coy. I don't like ambiguity.

      I'm starting to scare myself a bit because I sound JUST like my dad and grandfather, they are both very blunt direct #NoBullshit type of men as well. :-P

    • Like I said those kinda girls aren't worth your time man

  • I don't think it was disrespectful but it seems a little rude. It's all about the wording, not the message itself. Wanting to know if they're interested or not is reasonable, but the way you phrase it sounds like you are offended by them for no reason. I think it would be better to say something like "Hey, I haven't heard from you, are you still interested in getting to know me?" (or insert whatever in place of "getting to know") - then if they don't respond, you cross them off.

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  • I just learned to accept that they're trying to let you off easy by helping you forget about them. By not texting you. I understand why they do it.

    You just got to take it for what it is.

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    • I don't like open-ended stuff of "is she busy, bad at responding, or not interested"... so I sent the message to let her know that I am unsatisfactory about the status quo.

      If you think about it... if she isn't interested anymore anyways, it isn't like me being so straight-up is going to make a difference if she isn't interested. BUT if she is busy or a bad replyer to messages, her reading that message will signal "I need to straighten up before he bails on me".

      Thus I see nothing but pros in this situation via me sending that "fire alarm" message.

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    • These questions man. "why oh why"

      you used to put pokemon pictures up.

      (I thought that was cool btw)

    • I stopped doing that since the embedded chat was gone; the update statuses I would did with the Pokemon in chat (ex. Alakazam and I are kicking back watching Bad Girls Club) was part of the draw.

      Sounds like u really liked my poke-phase!

  • Who cares man fuck those bitches

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    • In case she was playing hard to get, I see no problem sending one last "fire alarm" message to signal that 'playing hard to get' / 'being too shy' thing isn't working. I'm not gonna send angry ass shit for weeks on end, bro. :-P

    • Unfortunately, what you did actually showed them that it WAS working. A few days without contact is no big deal, especially when this is someone you're merely texting (not someone you're actively dating). You showed them that you noticed that they weren't responding, and that it's a big deal to you. You made yourself look way too invested.

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