Guys, Are these quotes from a woman who posed for a year as a man, about the struggles of dating/existing as a man, & feelings of inadequacy accurate?

"I thought dating was going to be the fun part, the easiest part... I was in for a mountain of rejections, but to be a guy I had to get out there...

"No, thanks"...

Simple enough, right? A brush-off. No biggie. But as I turned away and slumped back across the room toward our table, I felt like the outcast kid in the lunchroom who trips and dumps his tray on the linoleum in front of the whole school.

"Rejection is a staple for guys," said Curtis, laughing as I crumpled into my seat with a humiliated sigh. "Get used to it."...

[There is a] monumental power of female sexuality [that gives us an] immense advantage... over men. Dating women as a man was a lesson in female power... I saw... their superiority, their accusatory smiles, their entitlement to choose or dash me with a fingertip, an execution so... effortless, it made the defeats and even the successes unbearably humiliating. Typical male power feels by comparison like a blunt instrument, its salvos and field strategies laughably remedial next to the damage a woman can do with a single cutting word: no.

Dating women was the hardest thing I had to do as Ned... I have never felt more vulnerable to total strangers, never more socially defenceless than in my clanking suit of borrowed armour.

But then, I guess maybe that's one of the secrets of manhood that no man tells if he can help it. Every man's armour is borrowed and 10 sizes too big, and beneath it he's naked and insecure and hoping you won't see.

That, maybe, was the last twist of my adventure. I passed in a man's world not because my mask was so real, but because the world of men was a masked ball. Eventually I realised that my disguise was the one thing I had in common with every guy in the room."

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2006/mar/18/gender.bookextracts

Accurate for you?

  • I'm an adult and this is very true
    65% (26)
  • I'm an adult & this was accurate when I was a teenager, but not anymore
    15% (6)
  • I'm an adult & this wasn't ever precisely accurate for me, but dating was still difficult in other ways (describe)
    15% (6)
  • I'm an adult & I never really had any of these problems; it was always a good time
    2% (1)
  • I'm a teen & this is very accurate
    0% (0)
  • I'm a teen & this wasn't ever really accurate, but there are still other male-only difficulties that are really hard for me
    0% (0)
  • I'm a teen & this is inaccurate, being a male was always a good time
    3% (1)
And you are? I'm a GuyGirls can not vote on this poll
Updates:
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18

Most Helpful Guy

  • It's not specifically true for me because I don't attempt things like she did either, as some other guy also said. I don't go up to women in bars or most other "public" spaces and ask them out, because I know nothing about them and it just seems annoying. Also I do get the impression that the success rate is very low as she mentioned, so I always perceived it as a waste of time. I only really try anything with women I have met through other means and happen to get along with and also be attracted to, which isn't that many but there have been some.

    The part that I can relate to is women who are interested in you expecting you to lead them and help them with their problems. In my experience, other than a few instances of obvious casual attraction / hooking up, women mainly become interested in me for a relationship when they see that I'm willing to take that role. And that's really frustrating and difficult to me honestly because it's not fair that I have to solve all my problems by myself, give myself my own emotional comfort alone when I'm not feeling well, and not have anyone to give me direction. I mean I'm sure there are women who aren't like this but I'm pretty sure it's a small minority.

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    • 3mo

      Oh and definitely relate to the expectation to be both sensitive and cultured but also strong and reliable at the same time. It's really annoying

What Guys Said 17

  • its true to an extent but not the way she describes it. We definitely dont look at women as superior, cause they are not. When i was a teen i was nervous to approach mainly because of how the other classmates would react if i got rejected but also of course because you really was interested in a girl and a no meant you had to give up that interest forever. and i guess this was true for many other guys. However eventually guys learn to not care about a rejection and start to look at women as objects more and replaceable. Meaning that it becomes a numbers game, the knowledge that we as men are superior to women also makes it easy to not feel inadequate when you get a no, it allows us to think "her loss" and easily move on to the next girl. We are also aware that many times a rejection has nothing to do with us personally but could be because of countless other reasons that we will never know about.
    Women also only have sexual power over men if we decide to give it to her, and once a guy becomes a red-piller, then he will be aware quite fast when it isn't worth it and cut the losses by walking away, not giving the woman any attention anymore, which basically removes any concept of power she might have had, chivalry and white knights are becoming very rare these days.

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  • This is very accurate. If you've never been a man and approached women, you would never understand what it feels like when you approach. You have to have a VERY thick skin to approach and never let it get to you.
    Most men aren't Adonis, so they're gonna get rejected most of the time, therefore if you don't have a thick skin, you're gonna feel like shit when you get rejected and you hear the girl/s laughing, or people around you, or when the girl tells you to fuck off when you were polite, or even worse, if she tells you you're ugly/creep/or whatnot.

    The amount of men I've seen feeling humiliated is pretty big. A girl will never understand what it feels like... basically because they don't want to know what it feels like.

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  • this used to be true for me... but I now know this is a cultural lie that most men buy into. Women and men BELIEVE women have the sexual power, but they only have it based on that faith. When i catered to that belief, it was exactly as you describe... like begging for scraps at their table, rejoicing when one showed some interest, etc.

    But really the power is equal and the same. For example, now I value a particular type of woman (ie one with a list of qualities I want, need, admire, etc.) instead of value women. Likewise, I am highly valued by women and am chased frequently. I also find women THINK they have the power and get a big shock FROM ME. Like, they dump me and assume I'll stick around and wait for them to change their minds (they always do lol) and when they come back, even a few days later, I'm already with a new woman and no longer interested in them.

    As far as I'm concerned... I'm usually the rare commodity when I date, not them. And they tell me this every time either directly with words or indirectly with words. Mostly I differentiate myself with sex... and since most men suck in bed, I'm highly marketable from that alone. That alone gives me that attitude and women smell it and tend to get curious. But it's a number of things and the most important is that I don't believe the cultural claim; my value exists, period.

    When i was as the article describes... I usually was lucky to have ONE prospect. And now, while I'm exclusively involved with one amazing woman, I do have a handful that are very interested in me-all of them former involvements... and I'm exclusive by CHOICE, not by options. I could be sleeping with 4+ women per week (ie limited only by my obligations in life, not by women), but that's not nearly as interesting as one unique woman that has my full attention.

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  • I voted D because i could not find myself in the article. She went to bars and did cold approaches, that is the least succesful way to find a girlfriend or simply to get to know girls. Women are only superior when it comes to dating when you let them and she did. She sounded like she not enough confidence too. Rejection is nothing, it is only a thing if you take dating for granted. Rejection is the least of a mans problems. A bigger problem would be the agression of other men and their possible violence. She went to one of the worst places to find girls and used one of the worst strategies, walking up to women in a bar and expecting to walk out with one of them, or even their phone number is just not realistic, a womans time is too saturated with aproaches like these from men.

    I have never felt like how she did. Rejection is the norm and succes is the exeption every man knows this, unless you are a sports star or something.

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  • I'd say this is true. Asking out a girl is making yourself vulnerable emotionally to a girl that you may not have ever met and having a bunch of people potentially witness it. If she rejects you, then not only is it embarrassing, its publicly embarrassing which adds insult to injury. That's the main reason why guys won't approach girls in groups or public spaces; they want to avoid any potential public humiliation.

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  • I would enjoy female responses to this as well. A shame you have taken the possibility away for them to do so.

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  • I read that before... a lesbian disguised herself as a man to try to learn what it was like.

    Dating is very rough for a beginner, especially if you can't stand rejection. Like any skill, you have to get the hang of it... then you could have three girlfriends if you wanted. I was a shy kid once, and had a hard time being outgoing. I've learned to calm down, relax, and be confident, so I've hit my stride. Now I have two girlfriends.

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  • Damn, I opened the link, skipped some parts, but that seems like an amazing experiment :o

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    • 3mo

      "I began to wonder whether the most extreme men resort to violence with women because they think that's all they have, their one pathetic advantage over all she seems to hold above them. (...) I saw how rejection might get twisted beyond recognition in the mind of a discarded male where misogyny and ultimately rape may be a vicious attempt to take what cannot be taken because it has not been bestowed."

      This had crossed my mind before..

  • The simple truth is it's different for every guy. Some guys handle rejection easier, some guys have better game.

    But it is certainly true for a lot of guys out there.

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  • This is pretty much a good portion of a man's dating life. Hearing negatives from women. Unfortunately, its a vicious cycle, but we can overcome it with enough practice and time.

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  • I read the book and found her "insights" mostly true, but based in superficial evidence.

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  • I'm an adult and this is very true

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  • It is very true. Although women quite often get much nastier than the typical "No thanks" rejection. And I am talking about adult women who ought to know better. I think the one that hurts the most is the straight up mocking laugh in your face, followed by running over to her girlfriends, whispering, then laughing and pointing at you, and yes I have experienced that, and seen it done to others many times. The most accurate is the observation:

    "... their accusatory smiles, their entitlement to choose or dash me with a fingertip, an execution so... effortless..." if I might add, with little or no remorse or empathy.

    Although the stuff about power, its not really about power, nor is her talking about men being "naked and afraid" really true. It is about trying to find someone, then being rejected feeling vulnerable (nailed that!), feeling like you are never really good enough.

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  • You need to show this to your female friends. The ones on this site is a start.

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  • This is very true and understandably why unsuccessful guys become bitter. Then they are told to man up.

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    • 3mo

      This I get called bitter all the time which is funny cause I don't approach or waste my breath anymore. A woman or girl today could never take rejection like a man can and lets be real most guys would never reject anyone and even if they did? She'd get people comforting her.
      Just for being the weaker sex

  • I've read other quotes from 'self made man'. They all seemed exactly right.

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  • It's very true

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