Taking things at face value: Why is it so hard to do it? Are women talking in code themselves?

Lately it's seemed pretty apparent, increasingly so, I might add, since coming to this site, that women do have this nasty habit of reading too far into things. They see things that aren't there, they assume things that aren't true, and they ask questions like "what could that mean" when it can be taken entirely at face value. To give some examples of what I'm talking about I'm going to list off three answers I've given on this site. There are more and there are many more of the one's I didn't answer but in interest of keeping this somewhat within the allotted 3000 letters, I'll limit it to the three I did answer and maybe toss out a link to the search engine after I'm done. Q: What does it mean when a guy says "You're looking pretty good"? ( link ) A: It means, "you're looking pretty good". He paid you a compliment. Q: What does it mean when a guy asks "what are you thinking right now?" ( link ) A: It means he wants to know what you're thinking about, especially if you're... Show More

Oh here are two search results. Give it a try to see what I'm talking about.

Most Helpful Girl

  • Hi Toban. I have an answer to your question. I am a girl. I am open and honest myself, and as a result I take other people at face value. In other words, I trust people to be honest and open with me (as I am with them). 9 times out of 10, this backfires in some way to the extent that I gradually trust people less and less. The rare 10% are my closest friends, and even with them, there are hidden agendas. It is a common human trait to cover up true motives with more noble ones. I think everyone is a little bit afraid of what people would think of the 'real' them. (i.e. imagine if everyone could read your mind...think how many people would still be friends with you).

    The short answer to your question is this: most girls don't take what men say at face value, because most men (not saying all, not sure what proportion, but definitely the majority) will psychologically influence girls to sleep with them by either lying about themselves (making themselves seem nicer/nobler/stronger/etc.etc. than they actually are) to attract the women, flatter the women to make them feel good about themselves so that they will let down their defences, and generally say things to influence the woman to make more effort so that the man remains in power.

    The reason I am so sure about this is because it's happened to me before. Several times. And I always think it's never going to happen again. But it's always nice to believe that someone likes you for who you are, rather than seeing you as a challenge - something to be achieved. It's only afterward when you go through all of the little things that were said, the looks that made your stomach turn that you decided to ignore, the warnings of your friends, that you realize you have been played. Sometimes a guy will even go the effort of fabricating an entire 'friendship' in order to attain his sexual goal. Even if you're in a relationship, you can't guarantee that your boyfriend isn't cheating on you - you might just be his safety net. Really, is that so difficult to believe, Toban? I know plenty of guys who have cheated on their girlfriends because they wanted some sex, essentially because they wanted to groom their ego. It's a pretty widespread phenomenon. And they will lie, make excuses and point the blame anywhere else but themselves.

    I know a couple of guys who are different, one of them being my brother. So I know that there are men out there who are confident enough in themselves not to have to resort to such petty psychological games to boost their fragile egos. I hope that you are one of them, Toban. But then again, I always do.

    • Nicely put.