Why does it hurt me so much to see my man look at other women?

When we started dating,he wasn't like that,i swear.otherwise I would have picked it up.I can't take it,it actually truly hurts me and wants to make me cry! Am I not good enough?do I not love him enough?IAM BLINDED BY OUR LOVE,WHY can't HE ALSO BE THE SAME...Its love NOT a boy/girl thing! what's wrong with me...am I being controlling? Am I wrong in thinking that if he LOVEs ME,I SHOULD BE THE ONLY ONE APPEALING TO HIM?PLEASE HELP.iam 26 and he is 42(shouldn't he be over that by now?)...And he knows it hurts me but he denies it anyway and the worst thing is when he pretends not to look,it looks so discusting!PLESAE HELP:)


Most Helpful Girl

  • He is 42 years old and he should have had more experience about how women feel by now. Whether you are insecure or not is not the point here. He Knew what he "got" when he met you. Its not like he was a young man with zero experience who never dated before. He knows you are head over heels with him. Even if you don't show it, even if you THINK you don't show it he knows. Let me tell you something. Its another kettle of fish, when a great looking girl walks into a restaurant and you man briefly looks at her (because this is reflex, and lets be honest. If a sexy guy walked into the same restaurant you'd look as well...at least I would! Its normal) point here being "briefly" and then gets back to whatever he was doing with you and pays YOU attention, and another thing when you two are out and he can't stop staring at other women. Say you turn your head to get your drink and you see him instantly focusing on another woman. He is 42! You told him. He knows he is doing it...its not about YOU. Its about him. If he doesn't like your "insecurities" or whatever he should a) break up with you, or b) at least make a bloody effort NOT to stare while you are there. Every time you feel rotten and tell him about it, you give a little more of your power away. You make it YOUR problem. And although he might genuinly like you, he isn't about to stop this habit cause you STILL catch him staring! That's why I'm saying its not about YOU and the way YOU love him but its probably about him wanting to be with a woman and simultaneously oggle others! I've got plenty of male friends. Friends, NOT boyfriends. And when we go out, unless they made it perfectly clear that they're out "on the pull" and so I should expect them fooling around, they never do this when I'm around. Because they believe it puts the girl down when you do that! So if friends can have that much sense...do yourself a favor and re-examine the relationship. I bet there is more going on apart from the occasional "looking" at other girls. If you feel THAT insecure, it probably means you don't feel safe enough with him anyway which is not good!

    • Thanx.My bfriend has been married b4,worked away 4rm his wife 4 years and eventually started paying for sex with these african women(I do not agree with this)...and I constantly catch him staring at these women...told him b4 that if iam not what he wants then he should tell me and I will leave!he enjoyed sleeping with them even when he was married because it was sex(I give him my everything),he was sad because it wasn't his wife.i don't want to be with a man that fancies other women.what do I do?pls help

What Guys Said 13

  • Most of us like to people watch when we're out and about, and for men, we tend to pay special attention if there's a pretty woman around,

    Women after all put a lot of efffor into looking appealing; men generally don't in our culture.. So of course it's not so appealing for most women to look at guys, it's pretty boring, mostly all dressed the same...not wearing clothes that show off their bodies.

    And most women are into older men, like you, so we'd be wasting our time trying to show off, anyway.

    Its pretty silly in such a culture to demand that men and women behave the same, isn't it?

    • yeah I get it...thanx, but does true love not exist in our culture nowadays?

    • Show All
    • True love does not exist. Obsession does, and that's destructive.

    • No, it's NOT like that everywhere!

  • No, you're not wrong or controlling. When my Girlfriend & I were truly going together instead of in name only N more of a glorified friendship hanging by a thread, I loved her so much if I saw a good looking girl, I may have noticed it in passing, N though yeah, she's cute, but then she was forgotten because my Girlfriend WAS enough! If this is a new development, y'all could have problems. You need to talk it out N tell him how You feel so Y'all can work out whatever it is. If he loves you, he'll gladly oblige, but you don't deserve thata kind of pain N can't keep it up, N not adressing it will only lead to it getting worse...

  • you're completely f***ing nuts! you're 26 and you're so insecure that your man can't even LOOK at another woman? That's the kind of sh*t that pre-dates boiling your boyfriends pet rabbit or stabbing him while he sleeps.

  • get over your self

  • Ok. If he loves you he loves you. If he notices other girls, this is no big deal and is natural. Just as long as he isn't asking these other girls out or hooking up with them.

  • Ack! Why do women have to gossip about other guys? When my girlfriend and I started dating, all she talked about was me. It hurts to hear her talk about other guys, what other couples are doing. Does she think we are not doing enough. I never talk about other girls, SHE SHOULD BE THE SAME. I'm sure this love not infatuation. Why am I so jealous . . . what's wrong with me . . . so on and so forth.

    Got it? Same story, different words.

    I am happy you with an older man. It is the norm in many places.

  • are yu sure he's "eye raping" other women? and what's wrong with looking anyway? yu can't stop it and he's not doing anything wrong. sure he shouldn't be checking out other women but if a attractive man walks by what do yu do? look down?

    if you live a relationship thinking that you two have to be so close it will fall apart. because he may like what a woman has on and thinks she looks good doesn't mean he likes you any less.

    you could also jump in the gym and get sexier. that would take a lot of hard work and dedication but it will definitely make him look at you. yu seem pretty determined so put the energy into upgrading yourself

  • His behavior is totally natural and cannot be stopped, no matter how much he loves you or how empty his balls are.

    There is absolutely no reason to be upset over this, in fact, you can join in the fun. It's just fantasy, the last thing you want in a lover is a man who's 'over' looking at attractive women.

  • wtf? 16 year difference? holy sheet.

    ah well... uhm. he's just looking at women. once he actually starts cheating on you, you can just abandon him if you want.

  • Because you expect more form him and sadly he is not giving you what you deserve unswerving loyalty and respect. There is no such thing that you can look and not touch.

    The mind is a powerful tool and his behavior is not a good thing in your relationship.

    • many a times I have thought of that and you know Jakob,with all the looking issues,i can't fully trust when he is not with me because if he can do this to me while iam with him...what else can he do when he is ALONE?!just a bit unhappy,i thot that with love comes all the respect and trust:(

  • Don't date older men, he's only with you for one thing. You'll figure that out someday

    J's always been that way

  • You don't satisfy him sexually, if his balls were empty he wouldn't be looking at other chicks

  • Because you're immature and have self-esteem and trust issues. Pretty much.

    • wow...that's a mouth full...if you don't have anything positive to say I suggest you keep your comments to yourself please.thank you.

    • What? You asked.

What Girls Said 15

  • Ok think of it this way.He had a wife, who I bet you any money gave him her "all" as well cause after all she wouldn't marry him if she didn't care, and he started paying for sex. Now, I know a lot of men do this, but what is vile is that he went right ahead and did it and then tried to "sugar coat" the pill by telling you that he was sad "it wasn't his wife". Come on! Do you honestly believe that? People are entitled to their sex drive etc etc and making mistakes...but if he was so "saddened" and missed his wife so badly why did he go on sleeping with these women then? You say "I constantly catch him staring at these women". Key word: CONSTANTLY. I suppose by "these women" you mean women who are overtly sexy or scantily dressed or just "ready to have fun" sort of type. So he is clearly attracted to this type of woman and finds them appealling. It wasn't just a phaze he went through while working abroad. Right? He has you so why bother then? If he is totally and completely satisfied with the deal he has with you and I believe you that you DO give him your "all" (both physically and emotionally), why keep on checking if the proverbial grass is greener on the other side? You are either dealing with a con artist here, who is OK with being with you because you care far too much and he is having a sweet deal but who doesn't see you as a long term prospect (irrespective of what he says, actions speak louder than words!), or he has decided that you'd make a brilliant second wife cause you love him to bits but is not the type of man who genuinely can have a long term, committed relationship. Again this has nothing to do with YOU. You could be the most beautiful and perfect girl in the whole wide world and it wouldn't make a difference! Its not about how hard YOU try. Its about WHO he is and what he is capable of giving. He is 16 years older than you so that's why I'm harsh on him. He clearly has experience and knows what he is doing. My opinion is to sit down, block all your feelings (completely) and examine the situation as if it happened to someone else. Do not involve him in the process. Think back to what you know about him and his attitude towards his ex, his dealings with women and your gut feelings. Do not listen to his words! WORDS come by easily. Id hate to "see" you wasting more of your time crying over a man who doesn't have your best interests at heart. You are young and you can find someone else if this guy doesn't cut the "mustard"

  • When a person has deep-rooted insecurities of not being good enough, of not being able to trust, we attract others who bring it out in us. He wasn't like that and all of a sudden, he "switched". It's not that he switched. It's that he let his true colors show. I know it hurts, but you fell in love with the image you wanted of him and/or the idea of being in love with a man who you think will take you seriously until his actions prove otherwise. His actions proved otherwise, and he is not the gentleman you thought.

    Yes, men glance at women (all kinds of women). To blatantly stare is a few steps from whistling and commenting. He was lying to spare your feelings, but he failed to notice that lying is deceitful and is not a great attribute in sustaining a committed relationship. He's a little boy in a grown man's body.

    Once you are comfortable with a man who either looks when you're not looking (ignorance is bliss) or looks casually is when you realize you are comfortable and secure with yourself, the guy, and the way the relationship is progressing.

    It should not make you uncomfortable like this. He knows it affects you, but he continues. Even if he did, within two weeks he would go back to his old ways. No one can change unless they want to.

    Does he even say or do anything to reassure that you can trust him? I take it that he doesn't. Why be with someone who doesn't know how to respect you? You deserve better, you just have to believe that you do. Once you get fed up, and realize that you love yourself more than him, you will make that choice. You first and you will worry about working on yourself, your wants and needs, not some guys.

  • listen love ALL men look at other woman ..and your being like this will drive him away ! next time he looks at a women ..shock him ..go yeah she is nice ...and shrug it off .

    he's doing it to nark you to see if you still care about him ...so get foxy ...and your the one whose in control your the 'younger' woman ..he's the one getting older! he just trying to boost his ego seeing if he gets attention from another woman ..most will probably tthink he's a jerk anyways to be looking at them when he's with you ..trust me ..chill out and get your self esteem build back up and take it in your stride

    cheers s:)


    • your welcome ! by the way hows things going? have you relaxed about this yet ...someone suggested you give him his own treatment back ! trust me it will be a kick in the nuts to his ego...you say you are in love with him ...be in love but don't be obsessive it's the quickest way to make a man exit the door ...get some of your mystery back and don't always jump to his command ..find a new hobby and keep him guessing ...go out with the girls more ...trust me it will whip him into shape !

  • Oh boy...I'm sorry but I'm going to pull the age card here.

    He is 42. Men that age that date younger women generally like to look. They like YOUNG women. If he was married once, and now is going after younger girls, that's his reason. He likes younger, 'new' models of the old one.

    If he is looking at other women and has cheated in his past he is probably not very interested in you at all. It's like with older women who date much younger men- these women see their young men as toys and entertainment simply because they are younger.

  • i think you can do better. I dated a few guys who I have had no problem having them keep their eyes on me only. so I feel his arrogance is quite disrespectful to you, no offense. I really hope you find a guy who'll love you for the way you are and not hurt u. what matters is a guy who'll make you feel happy. shouldn't have to give up that right to be happy to anyone.

  • you should just perve on other guys and see how he likes it! what are you doing with a 42 year old anyway? :\

    • lol...trust me he doesn't look his age and yes am very much inlove.

    • Yes! See how he likes it! I do not think it's right.

  • =/ yu should just end it if he loves yu and he knows it hurts yu and doesn't changes it he doesn't love yu ... =[ sorry hun but sometimes yu just gotta move on and get ahead when year gone he'd realize hw fantastical yu r

  • I don't think they can really help it.

    It's just looking, don't take it personally.

  • First your not being controlling but you do need to realize that this is natural and will never go away. my boyfriend and I make jokes about it... because he's always looking but it doesn't bother me because I look too (at men) I am in love with my boyfriend and don't want anyone else, but if he can look why can't I? lol once you find a way to ignore or to not even acknowledge when he looks, things will be much easier.

  • hunni my advice would be to leave him if your that insecure and date someone nearer your own age.x

  • Not all men look at other women but most do , I think a lot of women feel like you do. And I no what you mean. my boyfriend is 44 and I'm 19. I've accused him of this before sometimes I see him look away but then other times he don't I don't think he relises what he's doing when I see a good looking man come along I look away because I feel bad but to be honest sometimes when I'm on my own I do look but it doesn't mean anythink to me I do love my boyfriend. Girls like the attention from other men and men look that's how it is.

  • Is it just looking because if it is I think you are making a big thing out of nothing. Me and my boyfriend talk about chicks and who we think is hotter and he jokes we should have a threesome. he knows it will never hppen tho lol

    • we talk about good looking women aswell,we even watch p*rn together..it's normal.but I know him and I don't want him to WANT AFTER OTHER WOMEN.i should be enough,that's why he is with me,right?

  • calm down, believe in your man,if he still loves you ,you will always be the only woman in his mind

  • Probably because it seems like he might like the other woman better than you and you feel it is wrong for him to have more than one woman or to be looking/thinking about another woman is an insult to you saying you aren't good enough for him or something like that.