I'm having a problem with my friend touching me all the time. I'm not comfortable with it. What can I do?

[Anonymous]

GUYS, WHAT'S GOING ON IN HIS HEAD?

We've been acquaintances, working our way to friends for 6 months. I have clearly defined the friendship for him so that I'm not leading him on. So far it's been harmless playful touching but he's getting bolder with the frequency and not responding to my, "no". I think that's what scares me the most. I really am not comfortable with all the touching. I'm backing off for the time being. What else is there? Can some men just not be friends? It would make me sad to have to lose him but I feel my self-esteem is worth it and I'm not in any way sticking around with someone who doesn't care about my feelings.

Thank you for your suggestions.

Updates

+1 y

I am learning quite a bit from your suggestions. Thanks. I have always made it clear right from the start to this friend that there can't be a "you and I" as in dating/marriage etc. He is older than me and I would expect more maturity from him.

Updates

+1 y

By the way, he's always said he doesn't want sex from me or anything like that. He claims he can get it anywhere so what's up with him still pushing the touching with me?

[swtbttrfly]

It sounds like you are trying to still be nice about it when you tell him no, and that makes him think that you're just being playful. If you want him to stop, I think you need to be more aggressive about the situation. The next time he touches you and you don't like it, very forcefully push him away and very loudly, angrily, say "Stop it! You aren't allowed to touch me!" It's a good move to back off, but if you do still want the friendship you are eventually going to have to be a bit mean about it. It sounds like he misinterprets your hesitation to hurt his feelings as a sign that you are being playful, but you do actually like it. You need to make it totally and utterly clear that it isn't acceptable, and it sounds like the only way to do that is to get a little bit mean. Get angry, shove him away, maybe even slap him if you need to, but make sure you're not shy about it or cute about it, because that sends him a very mixed message. Stand up for yourself!

[helms_girl]

Make sure that your body isn't responding to the things your mouth is saying no to. Women have this suspicious way of making a guy think "She's saying no, but her eyes are saying yes." Which is completely untrue to us...but they are seeing something completely different. You may need to take it a step further with this one and hint towards not being sexually or romantically attracted to him at all. Like; "Not only am I not interested, I'm REALLY not interested. Sorry. Still friends?"

[Asker]

I have been exceptionally blunt as I am a direct to the point person. He's not listening.

[CuddlyCarla]

No, you haven't clearly defined the friendship, otherwise this wouldn't be happening. If it happens, make it stop, period. This is not a difficult problem. That you have allowed it to continue is why he doesn't see you in any friendship kind of way. If you don't want to be touched, lay down the law and let him know. Tell him that it makes you uncomfortable and that if he does it again, he won't be speaking to you again. It's that simple.

[cjwright79]

You have to summon some strength to make it absolutely clear to him, stop it. It's no use saying stop it if he isn't convinced. I think there are three options:

a. Make it ABSOLUTELY imperatively clear that if he keeps it up, he will lose you as a friend

b. Return his molestation in kind. Let him see how it feels (I think this is the best option)

c. Unilaterally end the friendship. Cut him off. Don't return is calls, ignore him utterly. He will get the message and reform his behavior. When he has had his epiphany, you can of course hang out again.

[pwl0lwp]

Personally, I think (b) runs the risk of egging him on

[cjwright79]

Or it may stop him in his tracks. It depends on the execution.

[cjwright79]

Men who view woman as mere objects for their gratification cannot bear the prospect of being treated like an object himself. He will fly out of there like a bat out of hell. :)

[lisac]

The b) part will make him think you are interested in him as well... You are mirroring his "playful behavior" which will lead him on and confuse him further.

[cjwright79]

I said return his molestation. What I mean is, make him uncomfortable with inappropriate sexual advances. Let him know how it feels, then explain to him why you did it.

[lisac]

Hmm... it sounds like he is interested in her. So, I can't imagine a guy being uncomfortable receiving ANY type of physical contact from a girl he likes. Just my opinion...

[cjwright79]

You'd be surprised. He sounds like a predator, and predators do not like having the tables turned on them.

[lisac]

Uh, molestation/predator....? I don't think her problems are that serious. He's just a friend who obviously is interested in her and tries the playful touching move on her.

[cjwright79]

Well inside the head of every icky man, a guy who makes women slightly uncomfortable, there's a lack of respect for himself and for others and for women, and that needs to be addressed. They may not be predators but they are a slight danger. They make your life just a little bit gross.

[Asker]

I'm not sure about the "predator" thing but he is making me squirmingly uncomfortable (intuition?). I acknowledge that there is always a bit of attraction between my guy friends and myself. Who would hang around and spend time with someone they were not drawn to in some way? Great conversation doesn't occur between people who could care less about each other either mentally or physically. My other guy friends over the years have been a joy. That's why I'm lost as to what to do here.

[Asker]

As for the touching him thing, don't want to push him with that as he responds devilishly happy even when I bump into him by accident. I probably couldn't pull it off anyway as it's not 'me'.

I did address the respect issue or try to. I remember once asking him what kind of woman he respects when he was trying some sexual innuendos on me. Must have caught him off guard as he didn't answer me.

Just a different kind of guy than I'm used to having around and he's confusing me.

[cjwright79]

I'm done with this question. I'll leave you to it.

[pwl0lwp]

definitely stick up for yourself: it sounds like he doesn't *understand* your message, or is in the "no means yes" camp.

backing off is a good plan. if & when it happens again make sure you tell him as bluntly as possible that you're not interested, you're not being coy, and don't want him doing that under any circumstances, otherwise you'll go. some guys (however old) don't understand a message unless it's completely unambiguous.

good luck

[pwl0lwp]

Just to follow up, touching is a "love sign" just like eye contact, talking nonsense, gift-giving & general foolishness. responding in kind may lead to the wrong interpretation.

[Asker]

I've tried backing off before with him when he started making me feel uncomfortable with the touching. After noticing my abscence, he came to me to find out if I was upset with him. (of course, he knew why I was upset...) I told him what was wrong and he stopped for a while but is starting again.

[Lauyeezyy]

I had the same thing just happen and no matter what he never stopped. I would beg him to stop I would try I would like an insane person flip out and when I would tell him how much it has eff2ctws me he would get mad or he would say don't talk to me again. Its insane I told him from the first day I met him sorry I do not want a boyfriend and I am certainly not attracted to you as a boyfriend! Just kept getting worse and more often and more harmful

[Il_Fonz]

Unless you become horribly disfigured, gain 50 lbs. or age 25 years over night he is not going to become magically unattracted to you. Keep in mind he will always want to have sex with you as long as you remain friends. Keep that in mind while weighing your decision.

If he didn't stop at the first "no", then he's probably emotionalyl immature.

[Asker]

Can you clarify the "emotionally immature" part a bit? Not sure what you mean? Signs of emotionally immature guy??

[Il_Fonz]

People who are emotionally immature are a little bit self centered and don't respect others' requests or take them seriously. He still keeps touching you even though you told him not to.

[Tamikaze]

Yes, exactly, some men cannot be friends. In fact, a lot of guys establish friendships only in hopes that it will lead to more. The fact that he is not listening to you not only means that is what he is doing but also that, in my opinion, his intentions are not good. He probably is interested in a sexual relationship and the fact that he is not paying any attention to what you are saying is frankly pretty bad.

[Asker]

I agree that it's pretty bad that he's not listening to what I'm saying. He does repeat all the time that he wants something other than sex and that he can get it elsewhere if he wants. If he won't be "friendly" and "doesn't want sex" ... what else does he want? I'm lost??

[Tamikaze]

Oh, I have been down that road, and it is just a little strategy that some guys use to say they don't want sex from you in hopes it will get your guard down so they can put more moves on you. And a guy saying he can get sex elsewhere if he wants it, I don't buy that at all. Guys, even hot ones, complain all the time how hard it is to get sex. I have had hardcore players tell me how much energy they have to put in to hooking up. He is totally disrespecting you and likely trying to go further.

[SetsunaYuy4]

Sit down, talk to him and let him know you feel uncomfortable. If he still doesn't understand and he continues to keep touching you then you need to take drastic action and talk to your employer about it. But make sure your employer warns him. I'm sure you don't want the guy to lose his job. If he's still not getting the message then you definitely need to report him for sexual harassment. Simple as that. I wish you good luck and Godspeed.

[TexPlayboy]

It is hard for opposite sex to be "just friends" when there is a physical attraction that only goes one way. He might be your friend because he hopes to be your boyfriend. Since you have made things clear, he is pushing the envelope to force the issue. SO if there is little chance that you are going to raise the friendship bar to upgraded boyfriend status, then you have already lost this friendship. It is not the friendship that you think it is. Sorry.

Good Luck,

James

[Asker]

Interestingly perceptive. Makes me sad to think about it that way....

[lmccall4]

I've been with guys like this. Some guys will just not accept the fact that they can't have a girl so they try and try and try and expect that eventually the girl will give in and give them what they want, which most of the time is sex. He sounds like a real jerk and you should definitely stop being friends with him.

[Adeniyi]

Find a male friend and hang out with him or get a boyfriend bigger than him. (Trust me he will stop touching you and get tired)

answer my q

link

[sexygirl_322]

well I think he's just trying to get a cheap feel up, which isn't cool. just tell him straight up looking him in the eyes-with a stren voice telling him you don't want to be touched!

if he doesn't get the hint, stop talking to him as much..

good luck!

[saulito]

that is obvious for him but not for you...let him know straight out that its not welcome...i would wait until there is nobody around to avoid making him feel humiliated...u know you''re still a friend so its your job to tell him what he's doing wrong with girls...he will learn and appreciate it for the rest of his life...

[lollipopgirl23]

i think you should stop being friends with him. try to ignore him completley. then when he asks you what's wrong tell him that I already told you to stop touching me its annoying and you keep on. so if your not going to respect me then I don't want to be friends with you. most likely he will apoligize and not do it again.

[l-hedoniste]

"I'm not comfortable with the way you touch me, and it has to stop, or we can't continue to be friends."

[Asker]

Thank you that's perfect.

[l-hedoniste]

Glad to help.

[Anonymous]

This dude is obvious, ofcourse that's what he's saying no sex but lets be friends! Ok that works if he were gay but its different! some guys will leave you alone if you were to tell them no, some are creeps that to them means yes in their mind. In your situation you don't want to get involved then honestly if he can't except that you don't want to be romaticaly involved than he shouldn't be your friend!

[hell_guy]

A HARD ANSWER : just initimate you will leave him... if its not work... LEAVE HIM

[hoopdedoo]

E-mail him the link to this page. Oughta wake him up.

[Asker]

He honestly thinks I'm the problem. He asked if I'd been abused or something to not enjoy the touching.

[BradleyDee]

Publicly embarass him with it... he should stop

[Arniceous]

ell him you feel smothered