My boyfriend says he's confused. Should I give him space or move on?

I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year but we were friends before that for a few months. We live 3 hours apart, so the relationship has always been a little more challenging than the average relationship.

I have always been honest about the fact that one day I want to get remarried. He only had one serious relationship before me and stated that although marriage had never appealed to him he felt that if the right girl came along he would possibly get married. Now, he has broken up with me because he isn't certain if he will ever want to get married or not. And I guess I have put some pressure because although I told him I didn't need to know that he was ready to marry me, I do need to know if there is the possibility of it one day in order to continue in this long distance relationship.

He says he loves me, misses me terribly, and is miserable without me, but admits he still doesn't know what he wants. He is calling me two or three times a week and wants to see me this weekend. I have started seeing other people and have told him this. I told him that I still want things to work out with us and that I will give him his space. However, I also told him that I'm not going to sit at home and twiddle my thumbs while he does it.

Did I do the right thing? He's confused about wanting me, and I'm confused about how to do the right thing here.


Most Helpful Girl

  • I think you did the right thing. I'm 28 and understand where you are coming from. No pressure to get married, but if he isn't the marrying type & you want to remarry, then he isn't the guy for you. There are other men out there, many in fact and if you know you want to get married and have children, men who don't want that you shouldn't waste your time on. I know that sounds harsh, but it is honest. We aren't young college girls, we are women looking for life partners and if you don't have honestly in ours relationships, we'll find ourselves 40+ and possibilty missing out on motherhood and other firsts that were once our dreams. I definitely feel like you shouldn't push someone to marry you, but if you don't share the same life goals and values, then you should move on. You've give this guy 3 years, do you want to give it another 3 to find out he is just not the marrying type? Only you can make that decision. Just make sure you're happy with what ever decision you make. Take care.


What Guys Said 5

  • You did absolutely the right thing!

    If he can't commit now, what do you think will happen in the future?

  • If he broke up with you then you moving on was the right thing. If your goal in a relationship that this part of your life to find someone to marry, than you should be moving in that direction. If that's in fact what you really want.

    That being said, I can tell you that marriage it's a novelty in life. You don't just plan your life at some point around getting married. It's not like, "Hey I really need to buy a new car at this point in my life because my old one isn't going to be reliable enough to get me to and from work." Marriage is a life changing union. If someone isn't ready for a life changing union, then they shouldn't be pressured. If they are pressured I can tell you that the marriage will end very quickly. Or it will certainly be an unhappy one for one or both parties.

    I'm sure he does love you and care about you. He does miss you and want to be with you. That's possibly all he wants from you at this point in his life. If he doesn't wake up in the morning and say, "God, I need to marry this girl... Chances are it's not going to happen.

    Move on, find what you want and need. There are a lot of guys out there. You'll find the right one.

  • if being married is more important that just enjoying a realationship, let him go.

    I know unmarried coupples who have been together for decades, because they just don't want the hassle of getting married, their arguement was "we are already together, a wedding would just be a formal event stating the obvious"

    so, your choice is simple, kiss his ass, and appoligize for giving him stress over something silly, or cut him loose.

    • Well, it's more than the ring. I had talked to him about living with him, too. Because mainly I just need more than every other weekend driving six hours to see each other. And he totally freaked out about even that. I think it's mainly about him feeling like his space is being invaded or something. The weird thing is that other than this, our relationship is great. I think that perhaps because of past hurts I'm scared to just put myself out there without some idea of what is ahead.

    • Maybe what you need to do is find a needy guy, then you wil be compatable.

  • You are in the right. I think it is good to keep communication open with him, but not sit around waiting for the phone to ring. Who knows, perhaps some time apart or seeing you with another guy will get his mind set on one path or another.

  • I believe you need to move on. You two have dated long enough that he should know if he wants you as his wife or not. Him being confused at this stage is NOT a good sign. I believe you will find a much better choice near by.


What Girls Said 8

  • Please go to the, run...and buy a copy of a book called The Rules. This is the best book for women, and it will help navigate you through this time of "indecision." Above all, you must be true to yourself and honor the desires of your heart...which is to get married. If this man can't or won't marry you, move on. A year is long enough to give a man, in order for him to know whether or not he wants to marry you. Most men say that they know the minute they meet a woman if they want to marry her or not. He wants the benefit of having you in his life, without the responsibility of a committed marital relationship. If he doesn't want to get married, fine! But, you do want to get married, so don't let him tie you up until he decides. Let him know that "it's been real," but you have reached a place in your life that nothing less than marriage is going to work for you, and you're ready to meet and date other men. Take the option away from him and put yourself back in the drivers seat. The last thing he needs to feel is that he can get to you whenever he wants to, or that the door is always open. He will continue to drag his feet and give you all those flimsy excuses. Don't tell him anymore about how you want things to work out between you. Let him think he's lost your for good, and it won't take you long to see whether or not he's serious about a future with you. Men always want what they can't have. Let him see a strong woman, who knows what she wants and won't settle for less, the next time he sees you or talks to you. It will rekindle his interest and give you some of your self-respect back. Either way, get back in control of your own future and don't let this rascal keep you dangling. Men love to do this, and this "joker" knows exactly what he's doing.

  • he doesn't know what he wants. he needs to decide. it's not fair to you if he leaves you hanging like this. plus I think it's also due to distance that he's hesitant that this will work.

  • Move on. He decided he was no longer in need of your company, love, sex, affection, & the only reason he can miss you is because he is choosing EVERY DAY not to be with you. Tell him to take a hike & ignore all his calls & texts.

  • Confusing? Politics are confusing. He knows whether or not he wants to be with you and you don't have time to wait around for his answer. Life is too short; go have fun.

  • I'd move on if I were you. His confusion seems a permanent part of his personality.

  • You did the right thing. Men are usually the confused ones in the relationship. I personally think that you should meet him this weekend and discuss important concepts of what YOU want later on in the future. Also, tell him how you really feel about him. When all is said and done.. Give it a week or so and see what else he will say. But, if he is still in the "confused stage".. my advice is to move on, don't waste time with someone that isn't ready for what you want. if you waste all your time with him, you will loose the chance of finding someone that actually wants the same thing as you. =)

    Good luck Girl! xo

    • You really think men are confused? I do not think so... I think they PRETEND to be, cause it bus them time.. Look at all the leway woman give them cause they are so freaked out...They should just stop freaking out, & if you want a guy who can deal with a relationship - find one... Do not try to change, the one you have.

      woman can be just as confuse, & KNOWING what you want personallly, does NOT MEAN are not confused in a group situation, vause a relationship is not about YOU, it is about US

    • I agree with both koolgirl345 and toulouse. I think on the one hand I need to move on. I also agree that I don't think I believe he's really confused. I think he's trying to buy time to try to want the same things I want, but I don't really believe he does. Thanks everyone for the advice.

  • First off let me say that you're sending him mixed messages: I want to work things out to guys means: As the girl ( i.e person bringing it up) means I will bend over backwards to make things better & make things work & then you're giving him a second message of an ultimatum by saying you will only see things through if (conditional) he will in the end marry you: which to a man translates to I want commitment, if you're not ready I'm moving on. Then there is the matter of long distance & missing a person, from experience I can tell you that long distance relationships don't work unless you see the person at least for a few days per week, and since you pointed out that its a 3 hour distance doesn't seem like you guys see each other very much. So stay as friends, what's wrong with that? Another perspective to consider is the fact that you were his friend and then transitioned to girl-friend which can be hard because the scene changes what you could say before as friends may no be appropriate as a more intimate relationship, maybe he was sharing his doubts with you as a friend but not expecting you to overreact as a girlfriend. Anyway I think you should start dating with greater proximity than your friend. Interaction counts big time when you're getting to know someone that in the end you want to marry. Best of Luck understanding yourself & the opposing clan.