Need to break up with friend because of my crush on him. He doesn't want to end things. What now?

The problem:

I have an intense crush on my friend, Ryan. While I know that he is not perfect, I'm so attracted to him, his mind and body. We get along well. Too well (we've been had sex a few times recently). Last night we talked about this. I explained that I need us to stop talking and hanging out indefinitely. He resisted, and the conversation went on for an hour or so. He thinks that my feelings will pass if we keep hanging out and never have sex again. When the conversation ended, he said that he wanted to continue talking again tonight. I reluctantly agreed. I have nothing new to say...I still think I have to end things. I just don't see how else to go about this.


This isn't healthy. We went through something similar in the past. Last year, actually. I totally fell for him. Didn't realize we were just doing a friends with benefits thing. Did I mention that he was my first? Yeah, after holding out for over 25 years! I was mortified when I realized he didn't want me back, and I ended our friendship. We reconnected recently, and things are headed down the same path.

My reasoning:

The problem is that this crush is distracting. I talk and hang out with him and want to be with him. I want him to choose me! He says that he is attracted to me and enjoys being around me, doing routine and little date things, talking about our scholarly ambitions and interests, but it seems like he will never be able to reciprocate. And I just can't shake the feeling that if we're friends, I'm always going to want more. This doesn't seem fair to either of us, as I'll be jealous if he finds someone he actually wants to be with, and he's one of the few crushes I've had in my lifetime--right now, I just don't want anyone else.

I'm being totally clear with him though--about everything. I told him that I have no ill feelings towards him. I just need to simplify my life and get him out of my head. I want more than friendship. He suggests that we just stop all of the intimacy. I don't want to stop. I like him, I care about him, but want more than just friendship. I feel like, with him, I will always want more than friendship.


Most Helpful Guy

  • ok, I don't know you, but you sound like an intelligent sweet girl, honestly. So, take this with a grain of salt ok? As an outsider looking at this, what you have just told us is that you like this guy and you had sex with him...then broke things off because he wasn't going to be the BF...then reconnected and had sex with him again and again he doesn't want to be the BF...right? Why on earth would he want to be your bf? He has a great thing going...he knows he can hang out with you as friends and sooner or later, he can have sex with you...pretty sweet.

    The only chance you have for him to be your Boyfriend is to tell him, its all or sex, no friends, no texts, no hanging out, no anything until we are a couple. If he calls, it goes to VM, if he texts, you don't respond...let him know you are serious. If he likes you, he will come around and if not, you learned a big lesson and got rid of a dude that was just in it for sex anyway.

    I know the crush is distracting and such, but just go out and met some other sound like a great catch, there are plenty of dudes out there that would be proud to call you their Girlfriend and they are in it just for sex.

    • Report

      Ugly truth, but thank you!