How to deal with a cocky boyfriend?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend is pretty cocky and sure of himself. He was always bragging about himself when we first started dating and over time it kind of annoyed me because I can't stand people like that. Bragging is one of my pet peeves. It did eventually die down a bit because he had told me all his stories and practically everything about himself. But sometimes I feel like he's ran out of things to say and we don't talk so much any more because I just go quiet sometimes, always expecting him to say something. He talks over me sometimes so I don't try as hard as I did when we first started hanging out, to make conversation.

He is absolutely gorgeous and he gets all the girls. I met with a friend yesterday who was with her boyfriend and even she got all excited and said my boyfriend was fit saying he had the perfect face and perfect body! He attracts every woman and he knows it, so does his friends and family! He always goes on about how it gets annoying being stared at all the time but I know he loves it deep down. He has a lot to brag about in all honesty. But yesterday he was talking way too much about how he gets all the girls. He said 'imagine my body at a party where everyone's drunk...I get attention'.

He even makes guys jealous. I went over my brothers house with him yesterday and all the guys thought it'd be funny to take their tops off. My boyfriend wasn't going to do it at first but he did eventually and all the guys just stared at his toned body and they were all touching his body and saying he made them feel fat and ugly!

I know you're probably reading all that and thinking, "this guy is a cocky twat" but he is a lovely guy. He's one of the sweetest, friendliest guys you could meet and he treats me better than any of my ex's did.

Whenever I call him out on his cockiness, he says "I'm only joking" but I sometimes joke about being cocky but I say I'm joking immediately and I don't make cocky jokes 24/7! I just told him that he's really cocky and that he's gorgeous and he knows it and he said, "I know, it's not a good thing!". So he seems to notice it.

I love this guy with everything I have. He is perfect aside from this one flaw and I feel like, whilst he's talking about himself, he's learning less about me. Although it's nice to have a guy who attracts a few girls, it's not so nice when he attracts every girl he comes across because it makes me feel like he's out of my league; especially when a girl who's prettier than me starts flirting with him! That makes me worry because I've been cheated on before so it does upset me.

He always says that he's all mine, that he loves me and that he only sticks to one girl which is somewhat reassuring.

I don't know what to do about it other than calling him out on his cockiness. I know I probably should speak to him but I don't know how. We've only been going out a couple months and things have been going perfectly so far. I'd hate to be the first to bring up a problem.

Updates

+1 y

I've been texting him whilst writing this and after he said being cocky wasn't a good thing, I said "why don't you stop being cocky then?" and he said "true! maybe :)" and then I said "aha good luck with that!" and he said "I do my best". That conversation may be enough to stop him but it may not or it will temporarily.. I don't know how to deal with it.

Updates

+1 y

Okay, I've just sent him a huge text about how I feel and he feels really bad, he's apologized and told me he will try his hardest to stop. I also said that "if someone gave us a quiz on each other, I can guarantee that I'd know more about you than you know about me." I've approached it as nice as possible and making sure he doesn't feel too bad! He also said he's glad that I told him because he never knew it was that bad.

Updates

+1 y

If you're just going to respond with me choosing him only for his looks (which I didn't), don't answer. I obviously found him very attractive initially but we're very compatible and I don't care how good looking the guy is, if he's got a great personality (which he has aside from this), that's the deal breaker. I wouldn't date someone who was handsome with a bad personality who treated me terribly, that's a stupid move.

[Confucius16]

Because he attracts lots of girls, and everybody "knows" it, that's unlikely to make him humble. If he's not used to failure, or if he's not used to not being noticed, that doesn't help make him learn to be humble and not talk so much about himself.

In one of the situations you talked about, you said that you call him out on his cockiness, he says he's joking, but that when you say it, you're only joking. What's the difference between his jokes and your jokes? Just because he doesn't say that he's joking, doesn't mean that he isn't joking right? Granted, there is a way to tell, especially if he does it too much.

Yes, it's true that if he talks a lot about himself, that doesn't leave him much room or time to find about you. Don't worry. Don't feel that he's out of your league. You're with him, and he's with you. He loves you for you, and everybody is beautiful, including you. Just trust him. You have no reason to suspect anything.

Regarding your first update, that wasn't enough to just let him say "true, maybe, I do my best!" He's going to have to be serious about that.

Regarding your second update, it's good that you communicated. You told him how you felt, and you told him that if he talked so much about himself, you feel like he doesn't take the time to get to know you. You told him that you feel like you're not good enough and that he's out of your league, because he attracts all those girls. You did the right thing. You told him your feelings instead of keeping it inside. You were honest about your feelings, and you helped him realize his errors. Usually, people won't know about their flaws, unless you're honest about how it bothers you (as long as you talk about it in a tactful way).

By the way, if he still talks over you, be assertive. Tell him: "Sometimes, you talk over me. I don't appreciate it, because then I'm being interrupted, and I don't get a chance to say what I have to say. Sometimes, you can talk, but sometimes, I also want to talk." If that doesn't work, then because he's that kind of person, you'll have to compromise.

[Confucius16]

I'm looking into learning how to counsel. This is kind of like that.

I read in a counseling book that the client to the counselor talks in generalizations. This is not the bad kind of generalization. In this case, you're giving the overall picture. After that, it's important that you give some specific cases, so we actually know what happens. For example, what did your text say? It matters how you say what you say.

[Confucius16]

It's important that you never rely on texting for personal things such as this. You want to be able to look into his eyes, see how he says what he says, read his body language, and read his expressions. There's more honesty involved in speaking face-to-face (usually).

[Asker]

Yeah, he was extremely grateful for me telling him and he said if I hadn't said anything, he would never have known so then he wouldn't have been able to improve himself. Now we've spoken, I think I'll be much more assertive when/if he talks over me. I think all this has brought us closer in a way; he feels like we can talk about problems and it won't erupt into a huge argument.

[Asker]

I did apologize for bringing it up in text; it's not my favorite way of talking about this sort of thing, I know. I'll send you the texts through mail.

[Confucius16]

Yes, this has brought you closer. Actually, I've just realized that there needs to be a balance between texting and talking. With talking, you can analyze expressions and body language. With texting, you can carefully plan out what you're going to say, and look back at your messages to check for accuracy, and if you needed help, you would have a history of messages to look back at to show others, if you needed help.

[Confucius16]

With talking, there can be honesty in the sense that you can't hide your feelings, but feelings can also be hidden. With texting, there can be honesty in that you can say what you otherwise couldn't say, but feelings can also be hidden. So I've just realized that there are pros and cons to both. Good luck, and have a happy relationship.:)

[Confucius16]

I can't believe this. I thought the guys on here would at least try to be a little more helpful, and at least try to be a little more empathic and understanding. Sigh...

At least not all guys are like that.

[Asker]

I know. :\ I usually get sh*t online. I'm used to it.

[Toffeepea]

I was with some one who was very cocky and talked over me ALL the time, he treated me very well. Until I wanted to do my thing. Then he was like you don't love me enough, because I wasn't into him as much as he wanted me to be at that moment.

During my time with him I felt like I wasn't heard or listened to and that's not an equal relationship.

You know what I'm dumped his ass.

You haven't said what you LIKE about him.

He's fit? SO WHAT! looks don't last.

He treats you well, he's your boyfriend he should be treating you well.

What do you actually like about him. Personality wize because gifts, flowers and chocolate don't make a relationship. It's the conversation you share and if it's all about him then you'll end up feeding his ego every day all day.

It sounds like your trying to change him.

YOU CAN'T if you don't like this part of him then focus on the bits you do like and learn to accept him for who he is.

but he sounds like a diamonte. Pretty but not the real deal. xxxxx

[Asker]

I love him because he treats me like a Queen, we have so much in common, we do have some great laughs and we're like twins in almost every sense. He always makes time for me and makes me so happy. I'm quite a confident person and if I feel like I'm not being heard, I will speak up and say, 'oi you're not listening to me'. I was surprised at how willing he was to stop being cocky though earlier. So maybe this could be easily fixed?

[Toffeepea]

I had the same kinda guy x I felt so good about myself. Hell I was the freaking queen!

He's allowing you to shine through the gifts, you sound like a throphy girl friend.

But I don't get the sense that he values your thoughts and feelings in the same way.

Obviously I'm coming from a wery frame of mind with this type of cockyness. Being heard and lisened to was important for me.

[Asker]

I'm speaking to him now about it. He says he doesn't like it but it just comes out sometimes. I said you obviously notice it so stop before you speak or I'll tell you when you're being cocky. He said 'yeah that's true, it's weird because I don't like it :S'. So he may be willing to change and I think I'll speak up when I feel like he's not listening to me. I've been scared to speak up because I don't want him to feel like I'm some kind of control freak and I want him to be the man I want.

[Asker]

I just texted him saying, 'when you're being cocky, you're not learning anything about me, you're just talking about yourself a lot'. He said, 'that makes me feel really bad :\'

[Toffeepea]

Well yeah he feels bad because your calling him out! don't go feeling bad about that he needs to know what he's doing wrong.

Treating you like a queen makes him feel good becasue then your always happy with him and this makes him look like a man. He's still in the honey moon period and your wanting and more mental stimulation.

[Asker]

Well he seems to be okay now. He felt really bad, kept saying sorry and that he was very grateful that I told him how I felt. He said his ex would've turned it into an argument. He said he's noticed it's a problem and he's going to work on it so I'll see how things go. He said it's going to be more about me and less about him from now on! He seems very determined to sort it out :3

[Confucius16]

QA: texting is not good for communication. Lot's of potential for misunderstandings, and never knowing if the other person got your message, etc.

Also, the text should have read "I feel that when you talk about yourself, you're not taking the chance to learn about me. I want to be appreciated sometimes, and I don't feel that I'm getting that." This involves your feelings more, instead of just making him "feel bad". Including your feelings appeals to his emotions in a clear manner.

[Asker]

I know but we had got onto the topic of cockiness and we're going to the cinema tonight so not much opportunity to talk in person and I'm not good at conveying thoughts/feelings about a problem in person as well.

I did say that he's not learning much about me and we did have a very deep conversation where I included my feelings. He seems to have fully understood me. :)

[Confucius16]

Yeah. I'm also not good at talking in general, so I've just come to the conclusion that texting can be useful for talking about feelings and long messages, as long as it's not the only form of communication.

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend is admittedly very cocky. And he knows it. And he knows I know it. He accepts it as his flaw. I told him I didn't appreciate him being cocky all the time. I told him there was a difference between cockiness and confidence. He agreed that there was. I then proceeded to ignore him when he got all braggy and cocky. He soon figured out that his bragging and cockiness did not have the desired effect on me. He still gets cocky sometimes, but I just ignore it. He is working on his modesty because he knows I am not impressed when he brags or acts like he's the sh*t.

As for when I mentioned this to him...it was probably day 3 of meeting him. I was like, "Hey, bud. Chill out. You're not as cool as you think you are. But I like you. So stop it. You all ready have me hooked."

And he was shocked that I called him out on it. Apparently no one had ever done that before.

[Asker]

Almost the exact same situation as me. They feel it's okay because no-one informs them that they're being obnoxiously cocky. My boyfriend has pretty much stopped being cocky now. He fully understands and we met up yesterday and he said he was confident but through his own free will, said that there's a difference between confident and cocky and no-one likes someone who's cocky! So I think he's really got the message.

[emeraldiamond]

This 'one little flaw' as you put it, is actually quite a big deal it seems. Whilst he's talking about himself, he's not finding out about you, which you identified anyway. A relationship should be about sharing and getting to know each other. If he's talking over you, he doesn't really respect you. I don't think this is an aspect of his personality he can easily change. If you can put up with it and you're happy to be in a relationship where you don't have a voice, you should stay with him. But it seems as though you could end up resenting him if you don't do something soon! Find someone who listens to and treats you as an equal. Beauty fades - will he still be cocky when he's wrinkly and old? What will you talk about then...?

[Asker]

Tbh, I'm guilty of blanking out when he speaks. He'll say something and he's like 'if you're actually listening to me...' and then I'm like 'what?'. That's just who I am, I blank out a lot so he doesn't always get a word in!

[Toffeepea]

emeraldiamonds right it's all abpout respect.

[harveykinkle]

This is just his personality. He's not going to change and you can't force him to.

You're either going to have to accept it or leave.

[Asker]

He has changed now. No good running away from small problems which are easily fixed.

[G_GTom]

You chose him for obvious reasons. What's even better is now he has you bragging for him. Where's the problem?

[Anonymous]

It seems that you need to get used to him.

If you feel like irritated every time he gets cocky, you're just destroying the relationship.

[Hamburgers]

Oh boo-hoo.

It is what attracted you to him in the first place.

It was exactly what you wanted.

Accept it, cherish it, relish in it. He's the man!

[Anonymous]

Suck his cockiness.

He is used to behaving like that and the only ways you can deal with it is...either get used to it or break up with his hot bod.

[Asker]

You should check the question updates. It's all been sorted now, he apologized and realized what he was doing. He's been told by others before and so he wants to stop doing it and he is :)

[Anonymous]

you deserve it for liking a guy based on looks

[Asker]

Who said I fell for him for looks? I obviously was attracted to it initially, but we are like twins, we're a very compatible couple. This was just a hiccup which has now been sorted.

[McQuacker]

Kinda ironic this comment coming from a guy