Why do girls put guys in the friend/brotherzone anyway? What causes it?

[dpaulson1291]

A girl I'm crushing on pretty hard refers to me as her 'brother'. We met this semester, and we do talk/snapchat/get drinks and lunch frequently. We goof around, but can also talk seriously, so we know a little bit of dirt about the other. It's been nice having her as a good friend.

BUT: then all of this developed into more than a usual crush for me, and I'm 99.9% sure the feelings are not mutual. A guy who she doesn't talk to as.. 'intimately' as she does me has complete control of her attention at parties (flirting, hooking up), which she initiates just as much as he does. So it looks like I'm "brotherzoned".

This past Saturday: I basically had to overhear someone I care about pretty seriously flirting up to the point of hooking up (I was next to them on the couch, I could have been freaking invisible as far as they cared), which caused me to invent the excuse of early work in the morning, and leaving the party. Like literally any scenario but a party/bar/friends, I'd be the main person she talked to. I'm more than a little sad about this, and I want to learn from this.

QUESTION: What does a guy do/not do that relegates him to a friend/brotherzone? I'm not mega hot, but I do dress, carry myself, speak well. I'm fairly funny, and I'm competent as hell with schoolwork. I have no problems making friends (girls or guys).

>>> I know I probably cannot salvage this particular situation, so I'll deal, but how could I prevent this in the future? If you have friend/brotherzoned a guy in the past, what considerations caused you to do so? If there was a guy you WERE interested in, what behaviors set him apart from guys you friendzoned?<<<

Thank you for your insight, I do appreciate it a lot.

- Dan

Updates

+1 y

Hey everyone - this is my first time on the site, and I didn't expect this many comments would be posted. Thank you for that. Reading the comments, I'm feeling the original 'brotherzone' post is maybe misguided. It seems that my behavior, and actions have been more of a determining factor, and the girl I'm crushing on is reacting logically to my behavior (or lack of).

[InquisitiveMale]

You made the mistake of becoming her friend. Which isn't to say you shouldn't try and be friends with someone you're interested in, it's simply saying that you need to show sexual interest first and foremost.

She's perfectly comfortable around you and she shouldn't be. There should be tension and anxiety. I know that sounds messed up but it's those sorts of things that create an emotional response and that is what gets you the girl.

Guys are 80% sight and 20% emotion. Women are 60% emotion and 40% sight.

You need to play that larger aspect of what creates an attraction.

p. s. I pulled those numbers out of thin air. To my knowledge there is no study backing them.

[dpaulson1291]

"She's perfectly comfortable around you and she shouldn't be. There should be tension and anxiety. I know that sounds messed up but it's those sorts of things that create an emotional response and that is what gets you the girl. "

This honestly didn't occur to me. Could you please explain in more detail? Thank you for your response.

[InquisitiveMale]

You want to draw an emotional response from her and create a bit of an addiction. It's the guy who occupies her thoughts, make her feel excited, and yet anxious, it him who ends up in the relationship/entanglement (what ever you're after in a romantic or sexual context).

Being the friend that you likely are you've pretty much given her stability and predictability- things that build comfort. Which isn't a bad thing, to keep a girl it's ideal, essential in many cases, but in attracting someones attention, it's rather inconspicuous.

Think of it as some other guy being the tension and you being the release.

You're not the guy on her mind. You're the guy who she unloads her thoughts on. You're not the guy whose making her feel excited. You're the guy who calms her down. You're not the guy who makes her feel anxious. You're the guy that provides certainty.

You get where I'm going with it? You show up invisible in her love goggles.

[dpaulson1291]

Reading this, I feel like this is very close to describing what's been happening. I'm interested to see what others think. If you don't mind, I'm going to use your text as an update on this thread. Again, thank you for your comments, your feedback is appreciated!

[InquisitiveMale]

Once written and published online, they're no longer mine. Do with them as you will.

[yaddayaddayadda02]

You friendzoned yourself. She didn't friendzone you.

[a_lizete]

Friend zone is usually pretty self explanatory as to what it is. The girl thinks your nice, she's just not interested. Brother zone is more difficult. It can result when a girl wants to take you out of the friend zone; she justifies touching and feelings with a different kind of attraction and love. Brotherly love. However, she may feel the opposite. She could just be pushing you deeper into the friend zone because she thinks you like her, and she is saying you will never date her.

Honestly, I think it's stupid, and I have never done any of it.

Has she friend zoned or brother zoned you?

[dpaulson1291]

"Dan is like my brother" when explaining ourselves to other people. And for my part, if she really means that, I think it's great someone trusts me like that. And only being good friends with a girl when the prospect of sex-related stuff is there sounds absolutely shallow. So if she really means it, I truly do appreciate it. But it's hard to differentiate between that type of 'brother', or just the 'brother' where you're put on a type of leash where I'm emotionally... usable? but never a serious dating prospect. Know what I mean?

Thank you for your response!

[a_lizete]

You're welcome and her speech could mean either thing... test the waters to see how she REALLY feels!

[Anonymous]

I've heard of people being brother/sister-zoned bc of a dramatic age gap. For example a woman in her early-late 30s sensing an immaturity in a younger guy (early-mid 20s), so she instantly sees him in a brotherly way.
In this regard, 30+ yr olds can be just as immature, but the 30+ woman will still see the younger guy as a child.
I don't know your ages, but this is just a thought.
In regards to being around the same age, it's probably a clash of personalities. Your behavior is prob sibling-like in her eyes.

[dpaulson1291]

Yes, we're both the same age. You're probably right about the behavior as well. Thanks for your reply!

[Elsa2ne1]

just because I get along with a guy doesn't mean I wanna bang him xD. There's nothing wrong with guys and girls being friends without there being anything more than that. If you are looking for a relationship and the girl is looking for friendship then its obviously not gonna work out as you are looking for entierly different things. Which is why its better that you are honest and get cut out than staying around waiting for something that ain't gonna happen

[Aud_Queen]

Read this >> www.girlsaskguys.com/.../a6030-5-rules-for-staying-out-of-friend-zone-for-guys

[existing_not_living]

I don't really believe in the "friend zone" but honestly when I decide that a guy is just a friend to me it might be because he wasn't giving me enough attention, he didn't want to date me and just wanted to flirt, or because I just wasn't interested in him in the first place.

[Cleveland]

If I am not physically attracted to you then you are automatically a friend. I don't choose it, it just is.

[BertMacklinFBI]

yup yup. i vouch for this. right here :D

[Whitestone1]

Reasons I friendzone a guy: I'm not attracted to him, he isn't my religion, I don't like his personality, he hasn't matured yet (doesn't have a job, not good with money, doesn't have goals he has accomplished)

[R3d_Anonymous]

I was with you on everything except religion. But I guess the amount if importance placed on religion varies for everyone.

I just find it questionable that you'd immediately write off a guy who was otherwise right for you. Especially because some guys would be willing to convert.

Or another way to look at it, if your hypothetical boyfriend revealed his differing religion, would you really immediately break up with him?

[Whitestone1]

Religion is the most important thing to me. It is my focus in life. I am actually working at a teacher/ missionary in Haiti right now so my relationship with Christ is what my life is all about. It would be impossible for me to be with someone who did not share those beliefs. I dated a guy who said he was of the same religion as me but after we broke up i found out he had been lying to me and just putting on an act. It was very hurtful. Research shows that different religions is in the top 5 for reasons people get divorced. For someone who has God as the center of my life it would be impossible for me to be with someone who wasn't the same. However, not everyone's religion is so important to them.

[bostockbn]

I have friendzoned a lot of guys because they wouldn't leave me along about dating. they were just more as a brother to me than anything. being brotherzoned so you dont get hurt by the girl is anther. they feel like your way too good for them.

[dpaulson1291]

"being brotherzoned so you dont get hurt by the girl is anther. they feel like your way too good for them."

I hadn't considered that. Could you explain a bit about it?

[bostockbn]

they dont want to hurt you.. they have feelings hidden but they just think they end up hurting or breaking your heart.

[Anonymous]

what makes guys think that every single girl on the planet will fall in love with him?

[dpaulson1291]

Mom told me I was the most handsome boy ever.

Nah I'm kidding, but seriously, she says "I love you" (repeatedly) "I'm so glad I have you" "I really need to talk to your right now". If my writing made me sound self-centered (probably so), please don't think so. This really has been puzzling to me.

[Opinion Owner]

my friends say the "L word" all the time :D its not romantic necessarily lol

but yea i was speaking generally, guys talk about being in the friendzone like they are put in lava lol its not a punishment and its not a bad thing, people look didferent for a reason, we all have different tastes not everyone is gonna fall head over heels for you
and those guys who have a lot of women all over them... to me those are gross and almost fagotty (if thats a word lol) thats not impressive at all and if you look deeply in their situation youd find its hard for them to have an actual relationship and the women around them are insecure and shallow as hell ! ALL they have is feeling good at that moment but thats it, they dont find actual love/relationships just... flings or w/e (not all of them of course but generally speaking)
but yea i dont get it when guys want that lol the right girl could probably be repulsd by how many women are all over you or maybe feel too insecure lol

[Opinion Owner]

oh and... uhhm i kinda didn't read lol i just answered the title... sorry :P

[dpaulson1291]

Haha no probs, I appreciate the response!

[Opinion Owner]

any time :D

[cth96190]

Because whatever it is that female is looking for, you are not it.
There is no way out of the friend zone. Abandom the project and move on.

[Yeahno12]

I do it when I'm not attracted to the guy, plain and simple.

Personality+looks= potential for something more

Just personality and not attracted whatsoever= sup friend?