Why does my girlfriend always vent her frustrations out on me?

[Anonymous]

Lately my girlfriend has been very stressed, which I understand. She's had some difficulties with people pushing a lot of responsibilities onto her. So, instead of speaking up to her stressors she always seems to blow up on me. I'll invite her out and then she'll get upset, acting as if it would be such a chore to unwind with my friends and me. I'm not asking her to do much of anything except drink and relax, yet that's overloading her because of everyone else in her life.

This is excluding the fact that she sometimes cancels our plans. Also, if we have a vague plan she'll just completely "forgot" about them saying "we'll see" when I try to remind her. We'll see is her way of killing my schedule, because 1) If I leave the time I had set aside for the date open it makes me to accomodating but 2) if I make other plans and by some miracle she does decide to take the date, I'm an a**hole.

I usually try to listen to her problems and offer advice or empathy, but I think she takes that as a license to chew me out for something other people are doing. She also trivializes my stress as if I had nothing but her in my life. Which she should me a priority, but I'm getting fed up really quickly.

Is there any way that I can confront her about this without looking too needy or that I want to break up?

I know she's had a bad relationship with her past boyfriend who cheated o her, but I feel as if I'm being punished for his actions. It's messed up.

Updates

+1 y

I meant to say "forget" in the second paragraph.

Updates

+1 y

Is it even worth salvaging if it happens again?

Updates

+1 y

To clarify, when I mentioned that she got upset about an outing with my friends and myself, they are her friends too.


sorry for any confusion. (welcome to my world)

[Phoenix52]

Gee, I wonder why her ex-boyfriend cheated on her. Oh yeah, he got fed up of her, too.

Your girl has some serious issues to tend to. My suggestion is that you give her space and time. I know you want to see her, and have a fun time, but honestly, if she's b*tchy like this, why deal with her? Go out with your friends and have a fun time meeting new girls.

She's pushing you away, with a lot of force. I think what your girl needs to do is stick up for herself and learn to say "No" to some of the requests that her peers throw on her back. She can't be such a sucker and a pushover. I know that parents and friends can have problems and need help, but the trick is to not bend over so much. She's got to set a boundary down and say enough is enough. A golden rule of thumb is to take care of your own business first long before you decide to help others.

Also, do yourself a favor. Anytime you're with her, and she's not in a good mood, just take her home. Talking to her is good, as long as you help her feel better. But spending time when she's not happy can only bring you down as well, which it has. Don't let her become a burden.

And when she says "We'll see" to a date night, just say "Forget it, call you some other time" and leave it at that. When a girl is willing to go out on a date with a guy, she'll comply. Otherwise, she'll say 'no' through 1,000 different variations. Ranging from a no-reply to a lousy excuse, such as "Oh, my dog smells. I need to bathe him" or "I gotta wash my dishes, maybe next week". LOL.

Best way to look non-needy = just grow more distant. Date new girls in the meantime. And if you end up sleeping with a new girl who treats you better, feel free to dump her. I know it's cruel, but hey, you want a healthy relationship. And she's not making the cut.

[izabl]

Your girlfriend is basically just comfortable enough to blow out on you, as opposed to the stressors. She may be canning things up and then coming to her comfortable zone (you) where she feels she can vent.

Personally, if I am under a lot of stress, I wouldn't want to go out with my boyfriend's friends. That means more pressure - having to put a face up for other people, having to prepare & get ready to go out, going out to crowds & noisy places, spending money etc.

Instead, try to hold her hand and stick through with it. If you live with her, do stuff like allow her to come home to a tidy flat and some dinner, just look after her for a day and show her that you're there for support. Buy her favorite snacks or drink. Don't take her venting personally, she just sees you as a pillar to lean on. It may seem unfair, but part of being in a relationship is to take and share of one anothers everyday life!

If it gets bad, try to talk to her. But be patient and understanding. If she bites off, don't initiate an argument. Just carefully defend yourself without causing offense. Just ask her not to see you as an enemy, be very intimate (touch, hug, stroke her hair, hold her hand) but controlled and careful. Treat her as if she says "Fragile, may break". Try to allow her to just cry on your shoulder if she needs to.

Be careful to confront her. She already has a lot of stress and it may be enough to explode. If you think this is unfair, just know that if you treat her right, she'll hopefully do the same when you're in her position in the future. Just remember to talk and be patient & listen to her. This can cause stronger bonds & appreciateion for one another if you try to see it to your advantage. Just stay strong! Good luck!

[izabl]

Would just like to add that my ex/bf is very hot tempered, I met fire with fire and it had the opposite effect, I started resenting someone I actually love and ended up being an arrogant bitch to him! Now realize that in a relationship it's more important to be patient and listen, see one another as allies and not enemies, and I am a lot happier being happy & positive than angry/frustrated & negative.

[Asker]

The friend is a mutual friend. so it's not that I'm expecting her to go out exclusively with my drinking buddies. That's why it was insulting.

[Asker]

Thanks though.

[izabl]

Either way I think the most important decision you have to make is whether you WANT to stick with her or not... is she worth this? Can you ride it out? Will she do the same for you? etc. No one can tell you what to do but you, but I think it's overall a more healthy attitude towards life to try to be patient with people rather than angry!

[Kittie]

I agree with Phoenix52 except the part the sleeping with the new girl and feel free to dump her. You should try to dump her before you sleep with someone else or the girl might go crazy on you and chew you out because you proved her fear right that you would cheat on her. Or definitely dump her if you end up sleeping, it's not a choice anymore.

If you want to work it out, you have to expect her to take the truth that she is being very unfair and projecting anger at you. She might get angry, shocked, or offended at first, but if she doesn't come around and say sorry or let it soak in that is what she is making you feel and isn't going to change, leave her.

The truth hurts and she seems to spew out her "truth" of her feelings of resentment to you pretty easily, so she has to find some way to handle what you tell her too. Encourage her to talk to her stressors or else she doesn't have a right to complain anymore. It's as if she's letting or asking for this to continue since she is showing no opposition to them.

[Asker]

I've tried the "give her space and she'll come around to you" and that seems to work... temporarily. I just feel like it would be ridiculous to have to pretend to be uninterested once every few weeks just so that she won't take me for granted or consider me a pushover.

Also, the incident came after I tried to remind her about something after she came to me.

I think I may have to try your suggestion about telling her flat out that she's projecting her anger on me and duck out if nothing changes

[Kittie]

It does suck having to "hide and wait" for her since you honestly want to help but she won't help herself. I was like her unfortunately for a long time. Reassure her that it's fine if she doesn't solve her problems quickly but she shouldn't be blowing it out of proportion on other things. She'll just have to adapt to her situation that she must stand up for herself and appreciate you when you -are- there. It might have to be her own epiphany that the solution was always there and very simple.