Do I ask him if he is seeing someone else if are not exclusive?

[tiffleigh5]

I have been dating someone for six months. He is a merchant marine and has been out to sea for the past three months. We continued talking through email, text, and telephone the time he was away. We had a talk before he got back about what we were and I asked if he saw this going anywhere? He said because of his career and how much he has on his plate he doesn't want to get into anything serious. I am the sweetest girl he has ever met and still wanted to continue dating when he returned.

Since his return a little over a week ago we have talked almost every day and have seen each other a couple of times. When I spent the night with him last I picked up his phone to see what time it was and noticed a text from a girl he dated right before me and found out he has seen her since his return as well. It was completely accidental that I found this out and I know we are not exclusive but he is here for only another couple of months and then back out to sea.

Do I confront him about seeing someone else or just take it for what it is because we are not bf/gf? Or do I just back off and not respond when he calls/texts and give him the hint that something is wrong. Ugh! Confused!

Updates

+1 y

Thank you for all of your responses. I am still unsure of what I want to do. I am taking a step back and not making myself as available as before. I failed to mention he is moving back to his home state of FL in a couple months

[XoFoolish4uXo]

From personal experience...i've realized that if I a guy wants to be with you...he'll just be with you. If he's not, then that means he's really not that interested. Or at least not as much as he should be. If you are the sweetest girl he knows, usually that ends up leading to being used. Sometimes people like having someone there, like having the attention...but don't actually ever see themselves being with that person and only them. He basically dumped you & stuck you in the just friends with benefits category...but sometimes its hard to see it. Do you want to stick around and like him until the day he finds the girl he actually wants to be with? That would hurt a whole lot worse...trust me. Being in the military is no excuse. I know many young men in the military who are married & have families. His job is not what's standing in the way...it's the feelings that he doesn't have for you. If they were there, he'd want to be with just you...whether he's away or not. Actually most people away in the military crave someone at home who loves them and are waiting for them, not desire to be alone. I'm not trying to be harsh or make you feel bad. I just believe honest advice is the best advice. My suggestion is to go away for a little while, don't call or text. You're too available for him. If he does communicate, answer but be very short and brief. Don't let your excitement get the best of you or you'll ruin everything. When you do talk, tell him that he was right and that you agree that JUST being friends is the best thing (even though that's not what he really meant or what you want really) there's two benefits to this...it'll take him off guard because he believes he has you, which will cause you to be on his mind more & if he really does have feelings for you, he won't want you to leave...so he'll make sure you are together...even if it takes a few days, be patient. OR the other side, which might not feel like a benefit, but it is...you'll work on treating him as just a friend, which will eventually help the getting over process if he turns out to not have feelings for you. But if you continue to torture yourself this way, by wanting something you can't have...if it does end up that he really is just using you (which I hope it doesn't) it'll only be worse. So pull back, it'll help the situation all together.

[Tamikaze]

Just because you are not exclusive doesn't mean that you two should not have open and honest communication about your lives. However, he may not want to discuss any other women he is seeing. For me, this is the exact reason I do not start anything physical beyond kissing with a guy who is not ready to be exclusive. I feel that if we are not ready to be exclusive we are not ready for sex either. Sex just clouds everything up and creates situations like this. Personally, I end up feeling used and crummy and I don't want to go there.

As far as how to deal with this, I would not resort to doing something like not responding to his calls. I would let him know that I really want to be with him but I realize now that I cannot have a sexual relationship with someone who I am not exclusive with and then I would stop talking and let him say whatever he is going to say. Do not respond for him and do not talk even if there is awkward dead air. Then, listen to whatever he has to say. Short of him saying "You know what, I am ready to be exclusive.", I would tell him that if he wanted to date or be friends that is great, but you have to leave sex out of it for now, because it is causing you to feel too attached to him. Be aware that once you have added sex into the mix, guys tend to not understand how you can pull back. Guys can easily enjoy casual sex without commitment and think we work the same.

In the end, you need to be more honest with yourself and remember this for the future if this does not work out with him. I found out that casual deals don't work for me and that is why I don't go there anymore. It made it real easy to weed out the wrong guys and finally find the amazing, most loving man I am with now. You deserve that too. Think about it.

[Tamikaze]

I saw your update and it is good you are listening to yourself and doing what you need to do. Best of luck!

[vmw2008]

You have to take it for what it is. The guy told you outright that he's not looking for anything serious, which always means "I want to date/have sex with as many or as few women as I want, including you."

You agreed to this by continuing to see him. It's obvious that these terms do not sit right with you, in which case you should've told him that you're an exclusivity kind of girl, and you'd like to be just friends (NO sex either). Now you're emotionally invested and wondering why he's not being serious with you, when he told you he wouldn't be. The fault is yours, not his.

I'll tell you one thing though, continuing to sleep with him and date him in the hopes that he'll eventually make you his girlfriend is never going to happen. The only person that will get what they want in that situation is him. If not being exclusive is a problem for you, then walk away. If dating you is more important to him than dating around (which it should be if a man is going to be your boyfriend), then he'll make it exclusive. If it's not, he won't chase after you. And why would you want to date a guy that doesn't like you enough anyway?

Have some respect. You will ultimately get the short end of the stick on this one if you stay, since it's pretty clear you want to be exclusive. Let that other girl just be one of his many women. You may end up losing him for good. But your chances of getting him to commit will be much greater by walking than they will be by staying.

[MartinC]

I think you’ve got a bit of conversation to have with this guy.

Since you aren’t exclusive, there’s nothing to confront him about. He’s free to see other people, the same as you are. He’s done nothing wrong as far as your arrangement is concerned.

It sounds like you DO wish to be exclusive with him, otherwise you probably wouldn’t be asking this question - and there in lies the challenge. It’s honest talk time as well as decision time too. You need to really determine what it is you want from all this - and do that before you chat with him. Are you OK to go along just being f***-buddies or do you really want a BF/GF arrangement and exclusive?

If it’s the latter and he’s not wanting to - your choice is to leave the relationship, on a good and positive footing, and go get yourself a guy who’s wanting you and you alone. I know it’s easier said than done. Choices need to be made and followed through - it’s your life and your happiness here.

[rgtsc01]

Look, everyone has their own set of wants and desires in a relationship. Wanting to be exclusive is what I prefer, too. You just need to talk to him and let you know how how you feel. Don't mention that you found out about the old girlfriend. Just tell him what you want out the relationship. If he won't be exclusive, then you need to make a choice if he's worth dating if he's not exclusive. If that makes you uncomfortable, then you know what to do.

[XoFoolish4uXo]

the thing is...she said she did mention it and he said he doesn't want anything serious. Asking him again would just be pushing something he already answered.

[tiffleigh5]

So asking him again would not be pushy? I already had a talk with him about a month ago about where we stood with each other and if he saw this going anywhere. I feel like if I bring it up again it will seem like I am needy which I am not by any means.

[LaLaVavoom]

@XoFoolish4uXo great point

[KatysDone]

I think that it was pretty clear from the beginning what his expectations of your "friendship". So I think that there's one of two things for you to do... 1)Find a way to be OK with just being friends with benefits or 2)Keep on truckin' and find a real man that can treat you with the love and respect that you deserve. If neither one is an option for you, then I would just be honest with him and tell him exactly what you want, find out exactly what he wants, then just let the cards fall where they may. But considering that he is moving home in a couple months, I would go with one of two options...preferably #2.

[strbryshake]

Obviously you want to be exclusive, and since you aren't he has done nothing wrong. Why don't you tell him it's not enough for you, it could backfire and he could dump you, though.

Whatever you do, do not tell him you read a text message on his phone, accident or not, it's an invasion of privacy! And not start ignoring him either, it's immature! have a conversation about exclusivity since it's bothering you. Let him know how you feel about it. Either that or just get used to the idea that he could be dating other girls at the same time as you. Personally, I would go with talking, I wouldn't want to share, and I wouldn't want to be with a guy who doesn't care about me enough to stop playing the field.

[XoFoolish4uXo]

you can say that ignoring is immature, but so is using someone which is exactly what he's doing. Anyone who isn't blind can see that. Stepping back and letting a person come after her, when she's been the one chasing after him is not immature. It's having self respect. Relationships involve give & take. I have a degree in psychology, it's a fact that men like a chase in a relationship. Ignoring him does two things, either makes him miss you or you learn he doesn't care,either way is a benefit

[XoFoolish4uXo]

also he told her the answer, that he doesn't want a serious relationship...so why is everybody telling her to talk to him about being exclusive? he gave her an answer & to talk to him about it won't change his mind, it'll prob just annoy him & she'll get an answer she doesn't want to hear. she has two options, to pull back & see or give up completely. It's harsh but giving an answer just to comfort someone doesn't always aid them. I wish you the best though! & I hope somehow he comes around!

[strbryshake]

Yes, he said he didn't want something serious, but she hasn't told him that she does, it sounds like she's just gone along with what he wants. Which is why I say she should talk to him and if he doesn't want to commit, she should ditch him and find someone better.

[XoFoolish4uXo]

whether she wants it or not doesn't really seem to matter to him too much. He told her what he wants, which is nothing serious. She doesn't need to say the words directly for him to know, if she asks if this is going anywhere obviously she wants it to go somewhere or she wouldn't have asked if it was.

[Anonymous]

In regard to: 'He said because of his career and how much he has on his plate he doesn't want to get into anything serious.'...what is it that YOU want? Do you want something serious? You should just tell him, without any pressure, that you really like him and the time you two spend together and that you are interested in seeing where this could go. (if that is how you feel). If he doesn't feel the same or doesn't really say or do much, then you need to move on. You have to focus on what you want from a relationship...not what you want from him. If he is not interested in pursuing, then you seek what YOU want...a relationship with someone who feels the same. I know its tough, but by being available and excepting this to continue, he has no reason to ever so anything differently. Ignoring is not good either, unless you decided you are done and just don't want to see him again. Maybe not be so readily available and allow him to miss you.

[CricketzRCreepy]

Guess what? HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. For centuries women have made excuses for men. That man doesn't give a damn about commitment OR your feelings. He's too occupied worrying and celebrating his own. Stop being so available. And let him think of what he wants BUT DONT WAIT ON HIM. Its not the womans decision on whether the commitment happens or not. Remember that...

[lost2010]

well he did state that he did not want to get into anything serious, but he wants to continue dating? Right. just ask him what does dating mean to him? is it OK to date others or just each other? and from there you can ask about the other girl. Good luck

[clyde7777]

I wouldn't confront him about it. Yall are not in a exclusive relationship so you both can do what you want in my opinion. You may should hang up the hat though. He has already said he doesn't want anything serious and he is going back out and then moving. Seems to me like you may be chasing something that's not meant to be. But if you do want to continue to see him do so, you never know he may decide he does want to be with you.

[Anonymous]

he stated that he doesn't want anything serious, and you guys aren't dating, therefore he has the rights to see and to talk to whoever he does so desire.. for all you know, his ex was concerned because he was out at sea, and you never know what's going to happen to you out at see. just because they USED to date doesn't mean that they still see each other in that way.. they can be friends too .

[tinicupcake]

Only care about what you want. Is this the type of relationship you want? If want a real boyfriend, then find someone else, he isn't interested in being serious and you are, just move on to a better situation for you.

[missymiss]

I think you have to deal with the fact that you are not the only one he is dating. Like he said, he doesn't want to get into something serious. If you want, you could ask him if he dates other girls beside you.

But you should accept that the chance of becoming the only girl for him isn't that big. If you can't- stop dating him! That's not good for you and you will always think of the other girl(s) he dates.

[tiffleigh5]

I am totally dealing with the fact he is dating someone else. I think that is why it is so hard. He knows I am not seeing anyone else and I would have hoped he would have given me the same respect knowing he is only here for a couple of months. With as much on his plate as he says how is he even able to juggle two women.. thanks for your response.

[missymiss]

You're right, he gives you not enough respect. You should go away for a while, you have to be sure what you want from him. Might be better to be a "good friend", maybe he'll give you more respect when he notices that you're not always available for him.

[Marciano]

the sweetest girl he ever met...why didn't I think of that, it seem to work on "two girls", lol

if he contacts you, tell him you are dating two other guys & see how he likes it.

[Arinice]

like this :)

[sierakelly]

Ask him out! you never going to find out til you try...thats how I got my boyfriend, I went for it fast and tried my luck...and now I have him, just before nother girl asked him out, I was the first

[Reallywhyme]

Dont ask because some guys feel you are trying to keep track just act like you don't care be busy make he wonder if you seeing somebody knew or not flip it

[SuperPerve]

I think if you REALLY feel like you need to confront him just make up some BS about how you are OK with not being commited but you aren't OK with him sleeping around... only cause STIs and what not

[rasha1]

I think it is better not to continue this relationship anyway! but don't disappear without telling him the reason. You have to confront him and say that you understand he is not ready for any commitment but you also don't want to be just one of the girls that he sleeps with!

[Saraah182]

well.. that is a tough question.. but you could try asking him if he is seeing another girl and not bring "her" up ..just ask if he's seeing anyone else. He may or may not tell you, but if he does and asks why.. you could always tell him you'd like to look at your options too? And maybe he'll be wondering the same about you... and not want to lose you.

[Mjmolly]

U say you not boyfriend/girlfriend so no reason 2 confront.And may b you guys shld talk& b clear because it sounds like you a seeing ths thing in a difrent way compared 2 hm.

[devils_commander]

wow that's a tough 1 love. I say follow your heart if you love him that much.then make your point known. he might hate you 4 lookin at his phone. you 2 rarnt daten but tell him that you felt hurt when you saw it. you thought you where the only girl 4 him. and you feel used. ther may be more than 1 girl on the scene

[M_A_X]

If you want something serious, you need to understand that he already said he didn't and that his actions suggest he doesn't, and move on.

[sikoo31]

why don't you ask him what he wants? ask if he wants to be exclusive or not. then it'll be easier to make you decision.

[Jager66]

if your not exclusive I thinks its best to just assume they are seeing other people and will be until you are exclusive. then deal with it in a mature manner.