My fiance is upset because I won't take his last name when we get married:/ Is he a sexist?

I am so upset. He was everything I wanted in a man. He never struck me as a sexist guy ever. I've known this guy since Middle School. He was my best friend and lover. Now I can't help but feel cheap that he expect me to take his name. I dont even think I can marry him anymore. What do you girls and guys think? Is he a sexist?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • I don't necessarily think it's sexist but if my boyfriend insisted on me changing my last name to his then I would feel hurt, it would feel like my feelings on keeping my last name mean nothing to him. I could never marry or be with a guy who puts a last name before my feelings.

    I could understand a guys point of view/feelings about wanting a girl to change her name but he needs to also understand your feelings on wanting to keep yours.

    I would honestly see it as a red flag if a man insisted on you changing your name and didn't bother to understand or respect your side first. If he's dictating a name before marriage, imagine what other petty bullshit he will find important after marriage.

    People need to stop doing what everyone else tells them to do, it's just a name in the end, it means nothing and it says nothing about your relationship.

    I hate when people say "it means you two are connected and a family now". No it doesn't, you two being together, respecting each other and loving each other makes a marriage, not a shared name. And if you can't understand that, then you're probably not ready for marriage.

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    • Thank you soooooo much. You are truly awesome. Wish I could hug you I swear!!!

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    • That's awesome, I guess it just comes down to how your boyfriend is in person when it comes to this as well, people over the internet have trouble understanding someones personality from text and only you know your boyfriend and his intentions in person.

      Thanks for mho :)

    • Agreed. Thank you soo much. You deserved mho, your answer was awesome and totally reasonable.

What Guys Said 40

  • How does taking his name make him sexist? I

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    • Because he think I should take it because I am a woman and women in the old ages where told what to do. Do you not know your history?:/

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    • I apologize for the intrusion, but what you said is incredibly important. Did your fiancĂ© actually tell you that you should take his name because you are a woman and women are told what to do? Or, is this your assumption. If he actually told you that you are a woman and therefore he gets to tell you what to do, he is a sexist a$$. If not, well, you are not approaching this truthfully nor rationally.

    • @duckshark He didn't say it specially. I admit I did blow it out of proportion a bit but people really made me upset. They were being totally hypocritical and sexist. They didn't even notice it, its pathetic

  • Perhaps he feels cheap that you don't want to take his name. When you have a family, life is simpler - especially for little kids - if everyone has the same last name. Tradition in our culture says the woman takes the man's last name. Maybe he thinks you don't want to take his name because you are not so dedicated to the idea of marriage. . . and maybe he is right.

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    • Well I am not asking him to take my name, its the other way around so he doesn't have the right to feel cheap. Yes we can have the same last name but why can't he take mine? And not taking his name has nothing to do with being dedicated to marriage

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    • I wish you the best of luck and good fortune.

    • Thanks.

  • No, why would that be sexistic? This is a tradition that carried on in millions of families, and millions if not billions of women are cool with that, only his woman isn't. Why? isn't he good enough? isn't he worth it? Why are all the other men worth it but he isnt? Why does it have to be so complicated? Why can't he just continue a tradition like everyone else and fullfill his dream giving the woman he loves his family name? This isn't sexistic, I can totally understand

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    • Women were cool with it in those days because they were told what to do. They had no choice. So because I won't take his name that means I dont think he's good enough. Am I not good enough for him? :/. I never wanted to get married, I am doing it FOR him but I didn't sign up to take his name. HE want me to change MY name and I am making it complicated? He is not me. And it is sexist

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    • "Am I not good enough for him?" You are you are even so good that he wants you to take his name this is the max level of "being good enough". You can't ask this question both ways because he thinks you're good enough to continue a tradition with him but you dont think he's worth it losing your name. If he's cool with it, fine. But its not cool calling him sexistic because he wants to fullfill one of his dreams. I dont know him, so I dont know if its actually his dream but my dream is to give the woman I want to share my life with my name.

    • "a lot of women are still cool with it nowadays. Actually they are the majority"

      Thats because its considered the norm

      "Thats the worst reason to marry someone and won't last long, also it'll be unfair cuz you'll use it against him whenever you two have fights"

      I believe to be together we font need a piece of paper telling us we love each other and is together. I would never throw it in his face because marriage isn't a big deal to me

      "You are you are even so good that he wants you to take his name this is the max level of "being good enough".

      I honestly dont believe that at all

  • I wouldn't marry a woman who doesn't want to take my last name or hythenate my last name with hers.

    That's part of the classical marriage deal. Men don't get much out of marriage compared to women, and you're taking ONE of the few advantages he gets compared to you.

    I totally side with him.

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    • Would you be ok with hythenating your last name with his:

      Ex. the name "Leticia Perez" before marriage, would be Leticia Perez-Jones after marriage, instead of Leticia Jones

      Have u discussed this compromise with him?

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    • Glad you can stand up for yourself cause this is some serious bullshit @asker

    • @aoifeislovable Yes. I had to endure THIS for 2 days smh. Everyone was basically being hypocrites and sexist themselves. This world will never be fair, even the women were being sexist. How sad is that? It made me hate being a woman knowing women lower their standards like this. Nothing is wrong with taking their husbands names but their reasons were fukked up

  • I suspect in his family and the area he lives and grew up in not many women have kept their maiden name and he is used to them taking their husband's surname. If true, he probably feels like you feel there is something wrong with him or his family. I know you don't think this, but this is what he feels. I really think you both desperately need some couples therapy to learn to communicate. This will help him identify what's going on inside and you both can learn to listen with the intent to understand and not with the intent of simply replying to buttress your argument for what you each want.

    He might be a sexist strongly, mildly or not at all. But, let's be honest, if he were and you have known each other for so long and so well, you would already know it if he were (e. g. his actions would have been a dead give away many times and long before now). Nope, it sounds like this has something big brewing about his sense of identity or family history. He may not even know what it is, and if he does he may not have told you (honestly, with your steamroller approach to "my way or the highway" in your relationship this would be no surprise).

    You view this issue as more important than being with a man, in your words: "He was everything I wanted in a man. He never struck me as a sexist guy ever. I've known this guy since Middle School. He was my best friend and lover." But this issue is so important that you say "Now I can't help but feel cheap that he expect me to take his name. I dont even think I can marry him anymore." You are willing to pitch it all, because of this. I am not saying that you should not keep your name. In fact I think with couples therapy you could work this out to the satisfaction of both of you (yes, that means he might change his mind and you would learn and he would learn why he is not on board with keeping your surname and then your could remember you love him and why and work this out. The problem is not simply resolved by getting what you want The solution lies in your both having a loving and supportive relationship enough for you both to be willing to hear things that hurt, but love each other enough to work it out and care even more for each other). I also think that for you, based on your life, this issue has so much significance because of other issues involving family history and identity. If you are not willing to fight for your love, don't waste the time getting married.

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    • I think I can add something that could be a big help or at least an insight. Please message me. Please know that I really don't care who is named what. But, I think you both deserve to be happy and there is more going on here than meets the eye.

  • I understand why you wouldn't want to be expected to take his last name. He might be worried that other people might judge him for not following tradition by you taking his name. It might not be because he doesn't care about what you want or anything like that. It's just the most common thing so he might be wondering why you don't want to do it.

    To answer your question, it's not misogynistic in my opinion but it may be slightly sexist. In his defence, if that makes him sexist than so is 99% of the rest of the world. That said, he may be worried about other people's reactions or your reasons for wanting to break with tradition which aren't really sexist.

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    • Patronymic naming isn't common outside of the English speaking world, just FYI.

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    • Lmao sure. Hopefully I won't forget

    • No problem. It's up to you. I'm here to help. :)

  • Having the same last name identifies people as being related. Taking the husband's name may have roots that are sexist, but having the same name, regardless of who takes the other's name, just identifies the two as family. The reason I would be concerned is that children notice when they or a friend has a name different from the mother. It can bring thoughts of being adopted or a step child. Friends at that age will question it and cause some discomfort. It just is easier on all matters, especially for the children, for both to have the same name.

    The only times that I think it makes sense to keep original names is when both have professions established under their name, whether doctors, actors, whatever. Then it is important for them to keep their names. Otherwise, life is easier in our society if they both have the same last name.

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    • Thanks for not calling me selfish

      I agree with you but I am confused on why I have to take his name. People are upset because I dont want to

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    • @Gommers Growing up has to do with knowing what you want dumb@ss so you "grow tf up"

    • @GirlsLie Well yeah I know but it's weird how mostly everyone is upset about it and making it seem like I'm the bad person

  • When did women have to change their name when they get married? It's a silly idea anyways. Historically, women don't take on new family names unless they are from noble families where clans are extremely important. However, this works for both men and women. A man might need to take his wife's name if her clan is stronger.

    A fair bit of the world population doesn't change their name but use a double family name. The child takes either one family name or both family names. My mother didn't change her name but I took my Dad's name. I am still recognized as a relative to my mother's clan (same family name) if they know my grandfather.

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    • You're very rare. Interesting indeed

  • no he's not sexist it's just what he's used to in the world.

    try to just have a conversation with him about it. find out why it's important to him and explain why it's important to you. I'm sure his perspective is only from the standpoint of what he's seen in traditional society for so long. it is only our relatively recent history that women stopped taking their husband's name, so unfortunately some are still coming out of those darker ages

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    • Yeah I will do that when he gets home later. Thank you

  • Historically married couples have taken the husband's name. In more recent times some women have chosen to use a hyphenated hybrid name as does
    'Hilary Rodham-Clinton'.
    Other professional women choose to keep their maiden name since changing it would affect their careers. (Imagine if Sandra Bullock changed her name when she got married. She would lose her identity because all her movie credits are under the name "Sandra Bullock".

    This should not be a showstopper. If this is such a controversy then maybe you two aren't ready to get married. You seem to be very close to your family and not willing to begin part of a new family. If you cannot resolve this minor issue, how will you tackle larger dilemmas in your future?

    BTW: Where did your name come from? Mother or father? Ask your mom what she thinks.

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    • What about my identity as a person?

      "You seem to be very close to your family and not willing to begin part of a new family."

      Why can't he join my family? its not about being apart of a new family. Its about him wanting me to change my identity

      My name came from my mother and my mother's name came from her mother and so on. My family has generations of women keeping their names. I want to continue that

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    • @asiag299 Not gonna happen

    • It was just a thought @asker

  • i mean you took the diamond ring and gave nothing back in exchange... thats pretty fucked if you ask me
    The least you can do, is take on his name

    you cold just do this

    Maria Hernandez-Fillipo
    or something lol!

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    • I never wanted to get married anyways so your comment is irrelevant

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    • At least I am not dumb enough to marry someone when I don't want to get married 😄😂😂😂

    • I dont want to get marriage because I think marriage is stupid. I want to be with him and feels like a piece of paper doesn't define that. Its not like its an arranged marriage so and I'm OK with it so hush

  • Well, my wife took my last name.

    I loved that!

    I didn't ask her to. I even told her she could keep her own name. She said no, she was excited to take mine.

    VERY HOT.

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    • And thats fine. More power to your wife but I want to keep MY name. It's my identity

    • Then find a man who doesn't care what name you have then.

      I mean - you have a right to your opinion - so does your boyfriend. It's good you guys found this incompatibility early... as likely, there are many others that would have discovered later.

    • Nope. I'm good

  • Women never question parentage for obvious reasons. To make up for that marriage was given the standard of the woman taking the man's name.

    Men are asked to provide 100% for children, satisfy a wife who won't care about him, and now men don't even get the most basic reassurance of at least giving children they don't know are biologically related their last name.

    Maybe your boyfriend is sexist. You obviously have made very little attempt to understand his perspective.

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    • Well I am questioning it because I have a working brain. Women can take their husbands name if they wish. I will not

      Not true all. Me and my fiancé are a 50/50 couple. We do mostly everything together unless the other is busy. Women most of the time satisfy a man that doesn't even care for her. Your crap goes BOTH WAYS. IT IS BOTH OF THIER CHILDREN NOT JUST HIS. If the woman is working hard to possible die after giving childbirth I believe the child should take her name but that wasn't my point. My point is I want to keep my name and I am

      I understand his POV. We already discussed it and worked it out. We're fine now

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    • That's pretty messed up

  • To me it implies that he was expecting you to be subordinate to him after the marriage. You are right to think twice. I think your values are incompatible. He's conservative and traditional, you are more liberal and egalitarian. You should seriously consider cancelling the engagement and meeting a bunch of guys before accepting another proposal. There are plenty of guys who will understand why you don't want to change your name.

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    • Thank you sir. We already discussed it the other day. He is changing his. We had a huge conversation and we understand both POVs. He only wanted me to change it because he thought I was into the whole tradition thing. He doesn't even care about his last name. He just wants to marry me and want us to have the same name for our children to be a family. I told him its OK and he doesn't have to do (change his) but he insist on it. It's his choice and I am OK with him changing his

    • You could just hyphenate the children's names.

    • His name will be mine after the wedding. The kids name will be mine which will turn to ours

  • I don't know, I would have to know more about him to be able to answer. But the point is - if you don't feel confortable getting married then don't. Trust me, this is the kind of thing that you can't have doubts about. When in doubt, don't marry. It will save you a life of miseries and frustration.

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  • I am very progressive in most ways.
    However I am very much solid on tradition for the name issue. If tradition was that I changed my name, I would. But history is that the woman takes the mans name.
    I would not have married my ex wife had she not taken my name. I would never marry any woman that won't. and all those women that have Hyphenated last name... THAT IS JUST STUPID... arghh...
    if you really loved him it would not be an issue.
    you could try the old "well if he loved me he wouldn't ask me...".
    well he isn't asking you to go against history and accepted customs of.. well.. everywhere.
    If a woman doesn't love me enough to take my name, then she should find someone she does.
    What is going to happen when you have kids? are you going to demand they have your last name also? good luck finding a floormat to agree to that.

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    • You sound stupid. If he really loves me he wouldn't care about me not taking his name, same with you. Obviously you didn't love you ex wife enough. There are lots of women that keep their names and the husband change his name. He's been begging me to marry him for 2 years now, I can get him to do that. I bet sexist men hate that huh lol

      Also what did changing her identity get you EX wife? Divorced with the name of her ex husband. Thats pathetic lol considering you wouldn't have married her if she didn't take your name. Seems like she married you for nothing and still took your name LMAO

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    • cousins. that is several hundred people. All with single family names. n

    • Well I guess he didn't love me enough to want my name huh?

      "The women that keep their names are just saying up front "We are going to get a divorce anyway so I don't want the added step of changing it back later""

      No I proved a point that you wouldn't marry you love if she didn't take your name but it seemed to matter to you since you are divorced now

      " I can still count on 2 hands how many people are divorced in my family from my parents age through our kids"

      I'm sure you can. Marriages does last longer when the woman is being obedient. What does that tell you. The man's mentality is "its either my way or the highway" and the women are OK with that so the marriages last

      Besides we already discussed it so the people that keep blaming me for not taking his name looks stupid. Sexist hypocrites indeed

  • I don't know about sexist, maybe he's just a traditionalist, but if he thinks anything of you he has to respect your decision. Hopefully he will come around to the idea in time. Tell him how you feel and why you feel that way, then give him a few days to process it all and see how he feels then. I hope you can come to an agreement. :)

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    • Thank you. We discussed already

  • he's not sexist but you are kind of dumb. hell a man gives up everything in marriage and marriage is for women lets not forget that. the least you could do is take his last name.

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    • Is he the only one giving up something? Stfu dumba$$. I am not taking his name now

  • I think it is completely fine for a woman to keep her name, it is her identity! Her name has nothing to do with how I would feel about her, why make it a big deal?

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    • Thank you for your reasoning. I appreciate that. Lots of women and men on here are upset because I want to keep MY name smh

    • Keeping one's name is such a small issue in life... I think people need to focus on the bigger issue, keeping each other happy!

    • Agreed

  • I think y'all need to slow down with all the hurt feelings.

    Sit down and talk about it. You talk about why keeping your name is important to you, he talks about why you adopting his name is important to him.

    In general, the West is patriarchal, so you taking his name is the norm. That's not to say that it's the best way or the only way to go about it, but that's why he's upset--you're going against a norm.

    Talk to him. Surely something as unimportant as this can be worked out without throwing away a potentially loving marriage, right?

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    • We already solved out problem but thanks

      Also going against the norm is great. That's what people with a brain do

    • Agreed, norms aren't always norms for good reasons. Glad you guys were able to solve it.

    • Totally agree and thank you

  • He's not a sexist, simply wants a symbolic gesture. I, myself, would like my wife to get my last name.

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  • Maybe if you took the consideration that the reason he wants you to take his last name is because if his background or religion, you'd realize that it's childish to think about calling off the marriage. That's not even him being a sexist

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    • Marry him if you love him but stick to your guns about keeping your last name. He'll eventually accept to your decisions if he really loves you

    • It is sexist but that doesn't even matter anymore. We already discussed it the other day. He is changing his. We had a huge conversation and we understand both POVs. He only wanted me to change it because he thought I was into the whole tradition thing. He doesn't even care about his last name. He just wants to marry me and want us to have the same name for our children to be a family. I told him its OK and he doesn't have to (change his name) but he insist on it. It's his choice and I am OK with him changing his

  • I think you are supposed to take your husband's surname when you get married

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    • Well I am not taking it

    • Okay no one is forcing you, I feel pity for the guy though

    • Because of a name LMAO. Gtfo.

  • I don't think it's sexist. If it's that big of a deal breaker then don't marry him and let him go. But just know you'll possibly lose the love of your life over a last name.

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    • Im SOOOO going to laugh my ass off if she loses the love of her life over not taking his last name, over some stupid feminism bullshit.

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    • We already discussed it. Thanks for the advice

    • No problem, hope everything worked out.

  • I'd answer, but you seem pretty hostile towards anyone who doesn't tell you what you want to hear on this. Seems you've reached that conclusion already and reject all arguments to the contrary.

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    • No. I am hostile to people that are rude to me. I asked people questions that make sexist claims to make them realize how sexist they sound. Mostly everyone commenting is hypocritical

  • I don't think he's sexist. He may just think you like everything about except his last name. Plus in a small way it comes off as a woman choosing not to take a man's name means that she's not fully invested in the future of the relationship. At least to their friends and family.

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    • That doesn't make sense. His name is just a name, not liking someones name is stupid. I just want to keep my name since its mine.

      "a woman choosing not to take a man's name means that she's not fully invested in the future of the relationship"

      That doesn't make any sense. I can also say "him not taking my name means he's not fully invested in the future of our relationship"

      "At least to their friends and family."

      My family and friends can think the same thing about him not taking my last name

  • Lol you two fighting over who should choose whos last name is the dumbest thing i have read all day. There are far more concerning issues when you get married... this is fucking nothing. grow. up

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    • You're obviously dumb. We are not arguing. HE made the suggestion and I disagreed. Besides we already discussed it so the people that are calling me selfish for not taking his name looks stupid

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    • Grow up and get your act together.

    • My act is together. Thinking for myself and knowing what I want IS very mature

  • No, he's not a sexist. It's convention for a woman to take her husband's last name.

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  • I would say that he sees it as a lack of commitment. Like you would be saying you are married, but you don't even share a name. He sees it as a lack of willingness to go all the way. My advice: Offer to hyphenate. That would probably be the best option.

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    • That's the thing. I can say the same thing.

  • Why don't you want to take his name.. Are you sexist? Or are you just so indoctrinated into the feminist fallacy that you think you need to keep your name to make yourself feel powerful.. If you love him.. Why the he'll wouldn't you want his name.. If you don't want it.. You clearly don't love him.. Or understand what love entails, is and what it contains..

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    • You're idiotic af smh. How does me wanting to keep MY name make me sexist? Retard people LMAO. THIS has nothing to do with feminism. It have to with KEEPING MY NAME!! If he love me he would take my name dimwit

      "You clearly don't love him.."

      you're simpleminded lmao. Who th actual says that smh :/ :/

      Lastly he's taking my name. Suck on that

  • More from Guys
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What Girls Said 25

  • I don't think it's sexist to like the idea of sharing a last name with your spouse. It provides unity and implies a symbol of togetherness. You are no longer 2 separate individuals and are now coming together as one. I'd love to take my future spouse's last name for that reason and don't find the idea of to be sexist on any level.

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    • I agree with the unity thing but what about me. Does what I want not matter? I am so sick of people telling me because I am a woman, what I want doesn't matter. I am not the bad person here

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    • Where did I say you are selfish?

      Please tell me exactly where I said you are selfish in those words please.

    • I was referring to the other people. They implies I was selfish.

  • I am a feminist and I don't really think there is anything wrong with taking your husbands last name. Just because he wants you to take his name it doesn't mean he thinks women should be stuck in the kitchen and sweep and mop after their husband and make you cater to his every need. Think about this rationally, not all tradition is sexist. If you're going to cry sexist at everything you see then you aren't feminist you are simply an unreasonable person. You aren't going to marry your fiance because he wants you to take his name? Its not about you in this scenario. It's not about your image. It's for him. he's going to marry the woman he loves and all his life he's dreamed about having a woman love him enough to take his name as her own and that would be a sign that they will work together AS ONE to get through thick and thin it's a sense of being completely bonded together. Sure, the reason you take the guys name is because of tradition but does it really matter? Why pick a fight about that? If you are not comfortable with taking your husbands name then that is your choice, and a lot of women do that nowadays! It can be due to business and how it would complicate a lot of things should you take his name. But allow your fiance to feel disappointed and upset without pulling the "YOU ARE A SEXIST" card. If you are a feminist and your fiance has made it through those barriers and rules and conditions that youve set up and youve loved him since high school then why are you letting such a stupid thing make you reconsider getting married? He has a right to be disappointed and you have a right to not change your name. This isn't the fifties anymore you have a choice but he is going to feel a little upset about it and that is the reality. As a guy this is what he's seen around him and what he's expected, just like how a girl EXPECTS a guy to buy her a ring for when he proposes. Because that is tradition and that's how it works. The guy has always been the one to propose, it's tradition and there is no harm in it. Like how a guy pays for the first date. Maybe you should really think this over before you do something that you're going to regret because guaranteed if you call off the wedding because he was initally upset that you refused to take his name then it's going to be a one in 7 billion chance that you are going to find a guy with all of his "perfect personality qualities and physical qualities" that you love and won't be even slightly upset at this. :)

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    • I am not a feminist but
      "If you're going to cry sexist at everything you see then you aren't feminist you are simply an unreasonable person."

      Then what is the point of a feminist if they aren't fighting to make things equal. That doesn't make sense at all.

      "You aren't going to marry your fiance because he wants you to take his name? Its not about you in this scenario. It's not about your image. It's for him."

      I never said it only about me. And obviously HE cares about his image since he wants me to change my last name to his. How is it only about him? :/

      "But allow your fiance to feel disappointed and upset without pulling the "YOU ARE A SEXIST" card"

      What about me? Am I supposed to only care about his last name? I'm confused

      " As a guy this is what he's seen around him and what he's expected, just like how a girl EXPECTS a guy to buy her a ring for when he proposes"

      So he only cares about his image? I didn't want to get married. I am only getting married because he wanted me to

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    • Alright, you know what? I'm sick of trying to discuss this with a brick wall. You asked for people's opinions and you got them. Not our problem that you don't like to listen to the truth. There's absolutely nothing wrong with keeping your own name. You've blown it incredibly out of proportion. Hey, here's a thought. Instead of seeking advice from people online how about you go get a counciller or a relationship advisor to help you? No ones holding you back from doing anything except yourself. What do you want to hear?
      "I don't think he's sexist, it's just a tradition."
      You- tradition is sexist. You should know that.
      "Just don't marry him them."
      We can make this work! I love him!
      "Who care? it just comes with marriage. DOn't do it if you dont want to."
      I didn't want marriage in the first place! WHy does it come with the marriage? What about me?

      Grow the hell up. You asked for opinions and you got them. Don't like them too bad.

    • People blaming me for not wanting his name is not the truth. It's actually sexist and y'all are all being hypocritical.

      "Who care? it just comes with marriage."

      you're pretty stupid. Taking your husbands name does not comes with marriage. Its about LOVE not a d@mn name. Besides we already discussed it so the people that keep blaming me for not taking his name looks stupid. You people are all sexist hypocrites smh

  • Is the woman taking the man's name a patriarchal thing? Yes.
    Is it sexist? Not necessarily.

    Is his expecting you to take his name sexist? I'd say no. It's the traditional behavior. Sharing the same last name shows a united couple. It binds you. I don't think he's sexist. It's what like 95% of married couples choose to do.

    Did you explain to him why you don't want to take his name?

    Men can see it as an insult if you don't. It's like saying you don't love them. So if you show him that's not the reason behind keeping your name then maybe you two can come to an understanding.

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    • Honestly I don't see much Love in this conversation. Lots of "F" bombs and anger, but no attitude for compromise. They need to end the charade.

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    • I have no idea who you are. If you weren't anonymous perhaps I would realize the frequency with which I comment on your questions.

    • Whoops wrong person

  • I am Georgian, in my country married couples keep their name. We have no tradition like that to take husband's name. Of course woman can do this if she wants so but in many cases it is not problem. I fully understand yours. When I marry, I marry as an independent woman, who has her own identity. So I believe that tradition of keeping man's name is really surprising in 21th century. When I marry someone, it doesn't mean that I lose my past. I Was, I am and i will always be same person with same name. It is not game, I was born in this way, I am not going to change my name everytime when i marry (I hope it will happen once in my life). Just try to find compromise, do not lose love of your life just because he doesn't think about this in the same way as we do.

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    • Thank you very much. Very reasonable indeed, more than most women that answered my question. Thank you for being such a independent strong woman. I know we're strangers but I totally respect you

    • Thanks.
      Wish you all the best!

    • Yeah. We worked it out already

  • I totally agree with your standpoint Asker, it's your name - why the fuck should you change it? Are you going to change as a person? Why is your name worth less than his? It's bullshit is what it is - bullshit. You aren't leaving your family and becoming his possession, you are still your own person so why on earth would you need to change your name... it's yours, the only one you have and it links you to your family. Are you supposed to just get rid of your family name because you're married? I hate the idea and my boyfriend seemed a bit upset when I said I wouldn't take his name. I suppose some people like to be Mr & Mrs Smith or whatever, but I'm all good keeping my marital status to myself. It is no one else's business, that's also why I am a Ms and not a Miss.

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    • The last name she has is, probably her father's... not hers.

      So she wants to marry a guy and keep her father's name.

      Okay... whatever, but that's the real perspective here.

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    • @Thor696 well I was just honestly curious and thank you for answering.

      I've seen a lot of men say that as a reason for taking a man's last name and I never understood why people can't see why a woman's last name may have importance to her.

      Especially since it was given to her by her own father, who she knows far better than her boyfriend's father lol.

      It's odd to me how people consider a man's name, his name but a woman's name is her fathers.

    • @GirlsLie My name isn't my father's. Just saying

  • Just had a read through your opinion comments on this... I really hope you're a troll. Otherwise, you're making me lose faith in humanity.

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    • By not wanting to change my name? :/ People is telling me I am selfish for wanting to change MY name. ITS MY NAME. I am the one losing hope in humanity

    • It's got nothing to do with not watching to change your name. Do what you like. It's you calling everything you might not like 'sexist'. A guy wanting his wife to take his last name? Not sexist.

    • Whatever. it is sexist but idc anymore. You people dont get anything

  • I don't think that makes him a misogynist. I think it's very difficult for some men to let go of the traditional customs in favour of the things you're more comfortable with. Have you explained why you don't want to take his name?

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    • Not yet. He begged me to marry him and I refused 2 years ago because marriage was something I never wanted. I didn't want to tell him I changed my mind because I really love him. Im doing this FOR him and people are calling me selfish because I want to keep my name. They are such hypocrites smh

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    • @FatherKnowsBest Thats how I feel. He's the one that wants me to change my identity

    • @FatherKnowsBest Well believe what you want

  • No he's a traditionalist. Why don't you hyphenate it? Compromise

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    • Hyphenating it will still have his name at the end of my name so it's pretty much useless and that's not compromising

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    • That's the point...

    • No that isn't your point. If it was you never would've said and I quote "You should never, regardless of situation, say yes to a marriage you don't want to commit to"

      Plus it doesn't matter. Yours and everyone else sexist opinions means nothing. We discussed this already (the same day btw). We're still getting married and he's taking my name

  • I dont think he is sexist at all. It is quite the norm for a woman to carry a man's last name and he probably was looking forward to you having his last name. It may even hurt his pride. Men really relish the fact of calling you their wife and knowing that you are truly theirs and I guess the name thing is big factor.

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    • Its only considered normal because women were supposed to be submissive.

      "It may even hurt his pride."

      I may hurt my pride too that he want me to change my name. What about me?

      "Men really relish the fact of calling you their wife and knowing that you are truly theirs and I guess the name thing is big factor."

      I know that out relationship will last but what about all those marriages that end in divorce. Those women still had their husbands last name WHILE being divorced and he went off to marry someone else and gave her his last name. Guess another woman was truly his too

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    • Do I find it unusual.. YES , but it is your opinion and if you so desire to take this course of action then by all means but you would have to run it by your husband because a marriage is not a one way street and you must be considerate of other people's feelings. So if he says yes or no... I don't know... just wish y'all the best thats all

    • Of course relationship/marriage isn't a one way street. We make decisions together. We already discussed this last night

  • What? That does not mean he is sexiest at all! That has nothing to do with that so stop thinking that! He just wants you to be a, lets say a CCrawford. He wants you to be a Crawford like him so you guys will be Mr. And Mrs. Crawford. I would hate not to have my fiances last name! If you want to keep you name and he wants you to have his also you can get both. Example with both last nanames: Angie Belt Crawford and Bob Belt Crawford. Its equal.

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    • It is sexist. its not equal. His name will be at the end while my last name will be my middle name

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    • Well we have our own opinions lol.

    • Agreed

  • No I don't feel that he is sexist. Like you said he has never made you feel like this up until now. He's not sexist because he wants you to have his name it's just something that is important to him.

    He loves you and he wants to share that with you and make you apart of his family. Are you really going to let something as small as that get in the way of your love, life, and future with him?

    I'm just curious why are you opposed to taking his name? Are you a feminist and even if you are why not just hyfenate

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    • Hyphenate your name. Just add his after yours and you can both be happy but relationships take compromise and you can't let something as silly as a name ruin your love for one another because if you do maybe you're not meant for one another.

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    • I thinks it's very sweet of him and I'm glad you guys worked it out :)

    • Yeah. He's the sweetest guy I have ever known. Thanks

  • I don't think that this disagreement should be enough to cause you to just not want to get married - if that is the case, there is a good chance you don't really want to marry him anyways and were looking for an out.

    However, I think that the two of you should have an adult conversation about this and you should explain to him the reasons why you would like to keep your name, and that because it is your identity on the line, you should get to decide which name to keep or take. If he refuses to accept that, then to me that shows a sincere lack of ability to compromise on his part.

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    • I see from one of your responses to another commenter that you had a talk about it and it all worked out. Glad to hear it!

    • Great. I'm glad I don't have to explain. Thank you very much by the way

  • It's not sexist, it's more of a traditional mindset. If he's upset by it then well it's probably a insecurity thing or a feeling of rejection. It may not be logical, but sometimes those feelings crop up. I wouldn't call off the wedding, if being upset over not taking his last name is the only issue you have, it's one you can get over. Maybe consider a hyphen?

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    • Nope. I am going to keep my name

    • Well that's easy then, maybe just sit him down calmly and explain your feelings as to why this is important to you. He might just need to know that it's not about him or anything like that, but it's something that's important for you because of _____ . Good luck though!

    • Thanks for the advice. We already talked

  • Plenty of wives keep their names and plenty change it, so I don't think either option really has any deeper meaning or detracts from the relationship. I don't think that he's sexist, but it should be up to you whether you change your name or not. The issue isn't nearly as important as being in love/married, so try not to let this ruin your relationship.

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    • People comments are really making me lose hope in everything. Im doing this FOR him and people are calling me selfish because I want to keep my name. Smh it really makes me sad that people are making me out the be the bad person for liking my name and wanting to keep it

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    • Exactly. Thank you for being understanding

    • Sure, I hope your fiance changes his mind!

  • You probably should have discussed taking of the last names before you got engaged. If you don't think you can marry him anymore, don't. Regardless of who takes who's last name, it's a petty reason to drop an engagement. You don't need to be married to him.

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  • He's not a sexist.. He just wants you to have his last name. Why wouldn't you? Unless there's a serious reason why you won't I don't understand why you wouldn't do that for him. It's important for some people. And if you are honestly about to not marry him because he wants you to have his name when you marry them I think you need to rethink yourself because that is an awful small reason and shows a lack of the ability to compromise on your part.

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    • "that is an awful small reason and shows a lack of the ability to compromise on your part."

      Funny you say that considering him wanting me to change MY last name.

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    • Well you are. Bye !

    • You're so slow smh

  • I don't really think it's sexist

    Have you tried asking him why it's so important for you to take his last name?

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    • No. I kinda got upset and didn't ask. I will ask him though

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    • Thank you

    • If I dont forget. I'll let you when he comes back home, if you're interested

  • It's pretty normal to take a man's last name when you marry him.. why don't you keep yours and take his..

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    • Actually it's not normal, it's just considered normal and he's taking mine

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    • last name thingie got you little upset? chill.

    • Of course it had my upset. Read some of the comments and you'll see why

  • he's just a traditionalist. it's not a sin.

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  • No... he probably feels really upset that you don't want to take his name

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    • If we didn't resolve this issue already I'll ask you "why" but it doesn't matter anymore

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    • No problem, don't let him pressure you though

    • Nope. No pressure. Turns out he thought I wanted tradition lol

  • I am read some of the comments and i have to ask, would you call me sexist because I would take my future fiance's last name?

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    • Of course not. You can do whatever you want. Me personally will not but I won't bash another woman for doing it. More power to her. Idc. We are strangers. What you do with your life does not affect me

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    • again its only sexist if he is forcing you or thinks you are inferior to him and i do what i want

    • Whatever. It's sexist and people on here are soo darn hypocritical

  • How is this a sexist thing?

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    • Read my comments to others (that asked your question) if you want to know

  • Not sexist maybe he would just like it u should take his name

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    • Which is sexist. It depends

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    • You don't know the situation or the rest of anything like the other people that commented 4 days ago, that's why

    • Don't complain he's sexist if he's your fiancĂ© pointless

  • Fine then dump him. All you're doing is complaining about how you're right and he's wrong regardless of what others say so dump him, be a cat lady and keep your freaking name. He wants to marry you but you don't want to get married fine let him find another girl in all honesty I'd take him off your hands and I wouldn't mind changing my name. You are acting like a spoiled brat and I can't fathom why someone would want to marry a jerk like you. GROW UP!!! It also doesn't make him sexist so please find another reason. You're just a feminazi and don't come at me with the you're a woman you should know about sexism because I couldn't care less about the crap that feminism is rioting for today. Or even what they rioted for in the old days. Let's not forget feminism was all about females and yet it wasn't advocating for women of color. SMH forget you and forget feminism. I never wanted to vote any darn way.

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    • "He wants to marry you but you don't want to get married "

      I dont want to get my married but thats not the point. The point is I want to keep my name and people are calling me selfish for it

      "You are acting like a spoiled brat and I can't fathom why someone would want to marry a jerk like you."

      you're so stupid!! How am I acting like a spoiled brat for WANTING TO KEEP MY NAME. Do you know how you sound?

      "You're just a feminazi "

      I'm not even a feminist lady

      you're just a sexist and a hypocrite smh

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    • Well considering that he won't let up you have two options.
      1. You change your name because you love him and then you get married and live happily ever after.
      2. You don't change your name he gets fed up breaks off the wedding and you end up wondering what if. Or you get three cats and live out your days in the creepy old house down the street.
      Changing your name isn't that bad seriously It's a last name it's not going to kill you to change your last name. Besides once you get married you drop your middle name and instead your middle name is your maiden name so essentially you'd still have your last name it would just be your middle name instead.

    • Exactly its just a name so why would he care soooo much about it? Hm and loving him has nothing to do with it me not taking his name. I am sick of explaining this to you people

  • Seriously while people are getting beaten and abused mentally and physically by partners you find this to be worried about. Maybe he is just proud of you and wants future children in his name too. Why is it so important to you. Why is it important to him. Instead of labelling him sexist for one thing why not find out his reasons.

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    • Sexism is a BIG thing. you're a woman, you should know that. Guess not

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    • Lol you think I'm sexist now. I'm beginning to feel sorry for your fiancĂ© now but seriously iv nothing else to say because you can't argue with thick psychotic dramatic bitches. Common sense and logic doesn't work also stating facts doesn't work so good luck with everything wish you all the best

    • Idiotic bi+ch you are the dramatic one. I am speaking truths while you are being a sexist dirty a$$ trick! Suck on that ho

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