They need you right now, but when they don't, they'll cast you out, like a leper! You see, their morals, their code, it's a bad joke. Dropped at the first sign of trouble. They're only as good as the world allows them to be. I'll show you. When the chips are down, these... these civilized people, they'll eat each other. See, I'm not a monster. I'm just ahead of the curve." ~ Joker (The Dark Knight).
This past year has been a blur. Between another unprecedented move, an extremely difficult semester, trouble in the workplace, and family drama regarding death, self harm, and my mother's fibromyalgia, things have been difficult to say in the least. In part inspired by @CheerGirl38139's article, I have taken the liberty to really reflect upon who I am, and do some soul searching.
And the result was surprising:
I've Completely Gone Over the Deep End
Between glorifying prostitution to blaming every single woman for the actions of one bad apple, I have fallen off. Like, really - I feel as if I have bitten off more than I can chew. That is not even mentioning my hatred for sluts or defeatism when it comes to the institution of marriage, but the truth is, I've gone over the deep end. And in the process, I have not only publicly made an ass out of myself, but I have alienated myself from a lot of good people who genuinely believed in me. Yes, even my most ardent supporters - whom I am so grateful for - have been taken aback by my bullshit.
And for that I am sorry.
To @CheerGirl38139, @Stacyzee, @OlderAndWiser, among others, I apologize. I acknowledge that I have went over the deep end, and need to make some serious changes not only for you, but for the sake of my own wellbeing.
That being said, I think that some explaining is in order:
#1) I Do Not Hate Women: Granted, I have lost my temper more times than I can count, and have said some pretty harsh words regarding the female sex - and that is putting it lightly - but in the end, it is just that: words. The irrational voice of anger. That is not to excuse it - part of being mature means keeping your temper in check - but merely to put it in perspective. The truth of the matter is that I love women. Not only for the reasons mentioned before, but because I recognize that they are people like everyone else. Neither good nor bad, just fluidic neutrals trying desperately to navigate this shithole we call life. I am not even angry anymore at the woman from my workplace who lied about me. She was young and she was stupid. She made a mistake, as I have made countless mistakes. It was wrong, no doubt, and I still stick by my story regardless of how many people deny and/or misconstrue it to try and make me this bad guy who could just not handle rejection. I was dealt an injustice whether they admit it or not. But the truth of the matter is that we are all human, and we all make mistakes. Furthermore, it did not justify my knee-jerk reaction and slew of rage that followed.
#2) I Do Not Believe in Generalizations: Except when it comes to feminists, Democrats, and social liberals, I do not believe that entire swathes of people can be generalized by virtue of their sex, color, or appearance among other factors. Yet even so, I am guilty of doing that very much. From dismissing all women as hypergamous Darwinian prostitutes willing to throw themselves at Chad Thundercock head first to vilifying all LGBTs as sexually deviant Sodomites hellbent on the destruction of Western civilization, I have made hasty generalizations that do not always ring true. Even if 99.9% of a population is a certain way, there is always that tiny 1% who is not, and who does not deserve to be lumped together with the majority. I think what helped me realize this was my mother - seeing how goodhearted, loving, and sincere she has been to my entire family, despite beautiful on the level of a Victoria's Secret angel. She never pursued Chad Thundercock. She was never a hypergamous bitch. She never looked down upon me or my father who was/is way below her league. That being said, it was especially wrong to make such harsh generalizations about women.
#3) I Still Do Believe in my Values: Deep down I still do believe in monogamy, tradition, the patriarchy, and being a good family man. I am a conservative in the true sense. I am an Eastern Orthodox Christian. This is something I will never apologize for, regardless of how many liberal atheist douche "freethoughtblog" types it pisses off, and if it means being vilified as the worst piece of scum imaginable by the Taliban of Tolerance, then so be it. It is a label I wear with pride alongside Mike Pence. Blessed are you when people revile you and all that. But steering back on topic, I still do believe in my values. I don't want to lose my virginity to a prostitute. I don't want to go down the loser neckbeard path. I don't want to give up all hope now, when I've already invested so much. I stumbled, and for that I am sorry. But in the end, I realize that my values are the only thing I have in this crazy, turbulent world. Needless to say, I am not yet willing to abandon them. My pride is worth too much.
Cutting to the Chase: Who I Really Am
I am a 20 year old college student who is too intelligent for my own good. Like, really, I say that not to blow my own horn but because I realize how I have allowed my own mind to become my greatest enemy. I graduated high school as valedictorian and student of the year, possess a 4.0 GPA in college, and read the entire 38 volume "Early Church Fathers" series when I was just 16 years old. Make no mistake, I am no intellectual lightweight. I consider justice Antonin Scalia to be my idol, along with my patron St. Augustine of Hippo. I have no patience for "progressives," the pretentious little atheist shits and pseudo-leftist dickwads who think they are superior to me. Needless to say, I consider myself a very religious man. Again, I am Eastern Orthodox. I've struggled on my career path for a while now. Half of me wants to become a justice on the Supreme Court while the other half wants to become a priest. Either way, I realize that I have a lot of work to do on myself before I am fit for either. For one, my irrational anger, emotional instability, and deep seated bitterness stemming from social anxiety combined with my very unfortunate experiences with women.
These are issues I need to work on, for my own good.
Make no mistake, I know that I am imperfect. I have done wrong. And thus I have truly resolved to start addressing these issues, to get help etc. I confessed to my mother that I self harm. We talked about therapy. As painful as it was, I have opened up about every little thing that has bothered me, and am slowly but steadily working toward a healthy resolution. I even started praying again. That is another thing. I absolutely adore my mother, and love her more than life itself. She would not be proud if she knew how bitter, over the top, and off the edge I have become in recent times. She raised me better than that. And it literally brings tears to my eyes to know that I have forsaken her upbringing with my boorishness. Hatred will get me nowhere. Neither will defeatism, rage, blanket generalizations etc.
What I Truly Want Out of Life
To have my own family. To be a loving father and husband with the beautiful Christian wife who has an insanely high libido and the two little daughters to love and cherish with all of my heart. To raise them within the Church. To pour out my heart for them. To have no other desire than to please my family, and be as self emptying as I possibly can. This is my dream. I have long come to peace with the fact that I will never be "normal" - I will never be popular, a social butterfly etc. - especially since I am conservative in about the bluest state of the union, but if I am able to attain my dream in the end, then it will have all been worth it.
That Being Said,
My behavior has been counterproductive to attaining my dream. Forsaking my values, demonizing the entire female sex, glorifying prostitution etc - is there no limit to my shenanigans? - I have gone over the deep end. I am never going to get a wife like Marisa Miller if I keep this up, much less any woman at all except for one who is as bitter, disgruntled, and miserable as I am.
More than that however, my behavior has been wrong. That is, not only is it counterproductive to my dream, but it is morally reprehensible and bad, to say in the least. That being said, I have resolved to truly make a change, and from this moment forth to be a better man.
To everyone whom I have ever offended, hurt, or estranged - women, friends, peers - I sincerely offer you this apology from the bottom of my heart. I was wrong and I acknowledge it, offering no excuse for my behavior. Can you forgive me?