How can he be so sweet then... so demanding and dominating?

[Anonymous]

Is this how all men operate? He's incredibly sweet to me in person... I'm not sure how to explain this, but he sort of expects random things. He's really subtle about it though. I made him dinner once and the next day he cooked pasta and said he had overcooked it... I totally cooked it that way the night before...

This is hard to explain... it's not like he's manipulative... but he's just... got this edge to him that I can't figure out.

He brings me flowers and milkshakes randomly... and then idk, oftentimes in bed I feel like I'm his play thing... he's REALLY into make it clear that he's the boss and it's kind of intimidating. Actually, in general I find him intimidating. He can be so so sweet and then... I know there's the line with him that I can't cross. Not that he'd hurt me... just that he'd probably freak out and end the whole relationship.

In bed he often likes to hold me down and kind of have his way. I mean, it's kind of fun, but sometimes I'd like to be a little more romantic? He's all into pleasing me and gets a lot of pleasure out of doing that, but idk... something just seems off. One time we went on a long road trip and he had been massaging me and kissing my fingers in the car etc... and when we got back I went to use the bathroom and he comes BANGING on the door. Kind of freaked me out... and I open it and he goes "what you thought I was going to let you wait?" Then he throws me on the bathroom counter and starts making out with me and fingering me. Fun, but the whole banging on the door and his comment was a bit alarming? idk.

I can't pinpoint him. Something about him seems a little off. Sometimes I feel like he just wants me to fit into his world and if I don't then he'll just get rid of me? Like he's incredibly rigid and inflexible and if I can't fit the mold of what he wants then I can just leave...

Idk. I'm confused. How can someone be so sweet and then be SO dominating and so subtle in what he "prefers"? He clearly has preferences and I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to follow in line so to speak...

[Janie95]

I saw this online looking for signs of abusive men and I cane across this message. I hope to god I am not too late. But, he’s showing early signs of being an abusive man. No you aren’t overthinking. For you to even question “it’s something about him” something is trying to tell you that there is something about him and you should listen as a early warning. Demanding men can be controlling men. The reason why I had to contact you because I was in somewhat of a similar but very different situation. He was charming, funny, smiled a lot, sweet, but he would be harsh with his words and a little demanding. Sometimes he would get angry at a split of a second over something so small. It got to the point where I felt like I had to walk on eggshells by certain conversations. No we wasn’t dating, I was helping him on the English language. But,.. yeah... he was the same way and it was something about him too... I suggest you read signs of controlling/demanding/ possessive men... listen to stories.

[JoSteffi]

I can't pinpoint the pasta incident...it seems a bit petty to me that he would actually go out of his way to make you overcooked pasta on purpose just so he could complain about it so that you could feel badly about the pasta you made him the night before. Has there been any other incident where he possibly stroked your ego by complementing you about your good job then soon after he picks on you about something? This could be a hint that he's an emotional abuser. Now the fact that you say that he is very domineering in the bedroom means that he could see himself as the dominant master and see you as his submissive pet... You should look up dominance and submission (D&S).

If you don't feel comfortable in this type of relationship you should let him know...

[Asker]

hm yeah. idk, he just... seems off. I can't pinpoint it. the 2nd week we were dating he bought me jewelery and the 4th week we were dating he sat me down and kind of explained that I need to help around his apartment? I don't even live there. and that he'll cook if I'll clean the dishes. just seems kind of fast... and pushy? idk. he's so serious. it's really confusing

[Tiarra]

Yeah that does seem kind of fast and pushy. From what I know. This kind of behavior from guys is a red flag for abusive behavior . Look on google and see what comes up for signs to look out for on emotional or abusive behavior and see what matches that description. It looks like you have already picked up on a few things that seem off. You do not wanna be involved in something like that.

[JoSteffi]

I don't think him saying that "I'll cook if you'll clean the dishes" is so bad. In some cultures people show their gratitude for someone who made them dinner by cleaning up the plates afterward. If he asks you to tidy his room or clean his bathroom then that is really serious... As Tiarra said, you should Google some of the signs of an emotional abuser. You could simple type in "Signs you're in an emotionally abusive relationship"

[Asker]

Yeah! idk, everything so subtle that it's REALLY hard to say. I don't quite feel right about him though... something feels off and I can't tell what it is. I feel bad leaving him though because he can be so so nice? Ugh, I wish I had some big red flag that would make it clear. He told his ENTIRE family about me the 3rd week we were dating and after a month and a half has asked me to go home with him to meet his parents.

[Asker]

Hm. Some of them fit, others don't. Yeah, if I make him mad he withholds everything... becomes entirely closed off to me. He hasn't told me who to hang out with, but he did ask me if we should be one of those couples who never sees there friends. He told me he'd really prefer a stay at home wife and when I talked about grad school he was silent. He didn't tell me how to act... but he's told me everything he doesn't like about my personality and threatened to end things with me if I didn't change

[JoSteffi]

Has your gut feeling ever failed you? What do your friends think about him? Have you ever met his friends, if yes, what do you think about them? Everyone has a good side and a bad side, but some people have some very very bad sides. At the rate that he's going he might just pop the big question Christmas Day! Slight exaggeration, but what if? You need to shed a WHOLE lot of light on those blind spots of his personality before getting too serious.

[Asker]

Mine is pretty good. One time we were doing something sexual and he gave me a black eye (on accident) next day he was like aw yeah, you're taking it like a champ. I don't remember him saying sorry. My friends thought something was very off when he told me what he didn't like about my personality. They think he's okay, they are a bit wary. He handcuffed his last girlfriend in bed. He's so closed off... we can barely talk. He ignores me and gets mad if I talk about personal stuff. His friends seem nice?

[JoSteffi]

You know...instead of telling you to look up D&S I was gonna type BDSM. Have you ever heard of the book Fifty Shades of Grey? I dislike the fact that he actually said 'you're taking it like a champ". That right there is a huge red flag. He should've been all "I'm so sorry that I did that" and it should've reached the point where you had to tell him to stop apologizing because of how many times he was apologizing. You do not need this guy unless you're interested in BDSM

[Asker]

oh, I have read 50 shades and he REALLY reminds me of the guy. One time he made me hold my hands above my head and I wasn't allowed to look at him, touch him or kiss him back.. and if I did he'd stop or push me down again. Yeah, he didn't really apologize at all.. he didn't really say anything much at all

[JoSteffi]

I can't tell if you're complaining about him or not. It seems a bit like you're unaware of your own feelings towards him... It's up to you to figure out whether you're up for this type of relationship or not. Each and every person is unique and this is what floats your boat then who am I to tell you to walk away. Take some time to think things through

[Asker]

yeah, idk, I guess... idk, something really rubs me the wrong way with him. like I'm not allowed to be myself? I feel like I'm walking on eggshells with him all the time.

[JoSteffi]

Take some time to think about it. Wouldn't you rather be yourself around someone who will find all those things silly things you do adorable...or do you enjoy always staying in line like a prisoner trapped in another person's world? At the end of the day the final decision is up to you...either you stay or leave

[Asker]

No, you're absolutely right. I can't do this forever. I thought I could, but I can't :/

[JoSteffi]

I think you're making the right decision to discontinue this :)

[Asker]

It's sad because he can so so nice and thoughtful... but I do always feel like I'm walking on eggshells around him... like I'm not supposed to act a certain way or he'll just end it

[JoSteffi]

Only being nice and thoughtful when you follow his rules is not enough...And a guy who can make it seem so easy to let go of you really isn't worth a second thought

[Asker]

ok, so my instincts aren't off then.

[JoSteffi]

No, they aren't. Not this time anyway

[Asker]

sooo awkward. once I was wearing lace and he freaked out, said he was allergic to it and I had to take it off. it was a slip made of polyester cotton and spandex... I mean, he was adamant that I take it off and that he's somehow allergic to it

[JoSteffi]

Now wouldn't you rather be with someone you can wear lace around?(j/k) But seriously, you are an adult, not a child and should not have someone bossing you around

[Asker]

yeah, I don't think he means to be super super bossy... he's just really particular about the way he likes things.. even down to our conversations. I guess it's time to go. I'll find someone better... just might take a long time :/

[JoSteffi]

It is time for you to go. I know it might be hard but just remember that no guy who's worth your time would say "Glad you're taking it like a champ". It might take a little while to find someone better, but it will be worth it in the long run.

[Asker]

Thanks! Off to go do it now... :/. I feel bad!

[JoSteffi]

Soon it will be all over and you can move on with your life. All the best :)

[Asker]

Well... he seemed to take it well... idk... maybe a bit disappointed? I think he was kind of sad. He sort of agreed that he wasn't feeling it b/t us.

[JoSteffi]

It's good that he agreed and didn't beg you to stay no matter how much you might have wanted him to. You should be happy he made it easy for you, don't start feeling guilty or start regretting this. It was for the best. In a week or two you should feel a bit better

[Asker]

he asked if we could be friends. he did beg a little. mostly just for more time... saying we could make it work if we dated longer.

[JoSteffi]

Make sure to stand your ground. And it is never good to become friends with an ex you just broke up with.

[Asker]

Yeah, I've actually been friends with every guy I've ever broken up with... but not really right away.

[JoSteffi]

If that works for you. Just make sure you never forget what made you guys break up in the first place.

[Asker]

yeah, good point. he's still a cool guy, just not in a relationship lol

[JoSteffi]

:) Let the healing process begin

[Asker]

and now of course there are second thoughts. fml. he was a nice guy... but... yeah I should just stick with it.

[JoSteffi]

Don't give in, you'll get over him soon enough. Stick to your choice

[Asker]

actually, I do feel a lot better. a lot less anxious... idk. like things are clearer already? having a constant companion was fun though

[JoSteffi]

Lol you go girl! :D Happy New Year when it comes :D

[Asker]

Thanks, you too!

[Anonymous]

You have a pretty strong intuition. Your feelings aren't there for no reason. Usually when you feel like something/someone is "off", they are, and you'll see evidence of that later. If I were you, I would not take this guy seriously. But don't be afraid to bring up your concerns with him. If he says/does something you don't like, just let him know and call out his behavior. People can only dominate over their partners if their partners let it happen. No one can control you without your consent, you have power too

[Asker]

yeah... I don't know if he means to be controlling... I mean, he doesn't ever specifically really ask for anything. it's always really subtle. I can't really explain it... it's just gotten weird. he acts like we're already married? he's very if I do x, you need to do y.

[Anonymous]

You're over thinking the situation. I'm the same way I make my girlfriend food and stuff and she cooks too and I surprise her with stuff here and there and I'm romantic and sweet as well. With that being said I'm dominant and animalistic at the same time especially in bed and I see nothing wrong with that, a lot of guys are dominant.

[Asker]

yeah... but is she afraid of you? something about him... just makes me kind of uneasy around him. I don't know what it is. I can't really talk openly about anything I feel either. It's like I get ignored if I talk about anything I feel

[Opinion Owner]

no she's not afraid.

[Asker]

yeah, I'm afraid of him... idk. it's hard to explain... like if I piss him off he'll just snap and go insane on me

[thegirlnextdoorxx]

I'd really trust my gut feeling about this, my dad was like this to my mother and I can tell you they aren't happily married. If a guy doesn't communicate his real needs and criticism in a constructive way, and he bottles up his emotions about stuff.. he's bound to have an outburst at some time. As for the subtlety: I think it's creepy and I personally think it's a bit too controlling.

[Asker]

yeah! honestly, I feel like he keeps to himself so much that at some point everything is just going to explode out in a very very bad way. I can't explain why I have that feeling... I just do... He doesn't seem controlling... but he has these moments... and it's like I know that I'm not allowed to cross some line or I'll just get dumped? Does that make any sense?

[thegirlnextdoorxx]

I think he's seriously taking you for granted, why don't you show him your set of rules? Be a bit demanding, I guess you'd like to please him in every way possible.. but men will use it to see how far you might want to bend for them. Don't ever be afraid to loose him! And remember that you DON'T want anyone that doesn't want YOU.

Your happiness does not depend on this guy's behavior .

[Asker]

yeah, idk, I feel like I have to change to fit his preferences so much... and him not so much to mine? or he might for a day and then get frustrated and not...

[Anonymous]

maybe he's Italian... they can be very particular about their pasta! hahaha. I think you shouldn't worry about it too much, unless he is clearly being a jerk, then you should stand up for yourself, but maybe he is just being picky and not even realizing it. Sounds like he is begging you to stand up for yourself, don't be afraid to bite back every now and then, this may just be his style of flirting/romance, if this is not your thing, maybe you're not meant for each other..

[Asker]

yeah... maybe it is... idk. I can't tell. too hard to read.