Relationship Expert Andrea Syrtash Doesn't Like Dating Rules

This week GAG had pleasure of sitting down with wonderful author, On-Air Personality and relationship expert — Andrea Syrtash. She has appeared on The View, The Today Show, ABC News and more to talk about her books and give dating advice.

Andrea has contributed to over a dozen relationship advice books and has written a few of her own including; He's Just Not Your Type (And That's a Good Thing)” and It's Okay to Sleep with Him on the First Date: And Every Other Rule of Dating, Debunked.”

In “It's Okay to Sleep with Him on the First Date” Andrea and co-writer Jeff Wilser discuss many of the popular “rules” of the dating world. Should you follow these rules? Andrea and Jeff say don't trust the rules; trust yourself.

In our interview Andrea addresses why she thinks guys wait a few days after a date to text you back, her thoughts about having sex on a first date, common mistakes we make during the dating process and if her advice has truly worked for her!

Relationship Expert Andrea Syrtash Doesn't Like Dating Rules
Andrea Syrtash

1. What is one dating rule you absolutely hate?

Andrea Syrtash: I'm not a fan of any rules since they keep us in our heads and out of our hearts. Rules are black and white and love is not linear. Anyway...I don't like the rule that women should never show interest or make the first move. That's just not true according to hundreds of men I've interviewed. If a guy is interested, he's interested! Of course you don't want to come on *too strong; but showing interest is appreciated by most men."

2. It's 2015, why do men still wait two days to text me after a date?

AS: This rule is ridiculous! I think in this case they're trying to come off cool and not too eager; but they don't realize a number of women will move on if they guy doesn't seem excited or doesn't put forth effort to pursue...

3. Why do you think there's a stigma about sleeping with a guy on the first date?

AS: When you think about it, it's pretty sexist to put this rule on women and not men. And it's hypocritical for a dude to say he'd lose respect after hooking up with a woman when he was there, too! Thankfully, this rule is pretty outdated. For my last book, my co-author and I teamed up with Cosmo magazine and did a nation-wide survey about sex on the first date. The majority of women polled said they'd never do it because a guy would lose respect and interest and the majority of men polled said that that's a myth - if they're interested, they're interested - and when a woman has sex or gets naked is not a deal breaker. That said, I'd encourage women (and men!) to wait if having sex too soon makes them too anxious or doesn't align with their values.

4. Most women have a rule about not sleeping with a guy on the first date, why is okay to break it?

AS: It's only okay to break it if it feels right to the individual woman to break it. Listen, I don't think it's okay if the girl is 14 years old and doesn't necessarily think about the consequences of her actions...but I'm addressing an adult audience. With two consenting adults, there shouldn't be such a stigma around sex. Don't break the rule if you feel uncomfortable hooking up too soon. But - if you want to have sex and it's mutual, don't think you've sabotaged anything. I've interviewed hundreds of couples who have hooked up on date one to be able to debunk this rule and know it's not a deal-breaker.

5. Are there any dating rules you live by?

AS: My only real dating rule is to pay attention to your instinct as much as possible. Your instinct should override any rules you read. Bottom line: don't trust rules - trust yourself. If your gut feeling is that something isn't right or you're uncomfortable, you should listen to that...

6. Do you think men are really intimated by strong women who have amazing jobs? Or is that an excuse they use when they don't want to see you anymore

AS: That's either an excuse or you're dealing with an insecure guy. If a guy breaks up with you for having a good job, be thankful you learned about this early into your relationship. A good match will want to see and help you succeed.

7. What is the most common mistake men and women make when dating?

AS: I believe it's a basic human need for all of us to feel seen, heard and valued. So - we need to listen better! Also, I think most of us aren't present in dating. We're 100 steps ahead wondering, "would my parents like him?" "what will my friends think" etc. The only thing you have to ask yourself on a first date is: Am I having fun now? Am I curious to learn more." Stay present!

8. If you could give one piece of advice to singles everywhere what would it be?

AS: Date someone you would want to be with if nobody else was looking." (This is how you'll make authentic decisions in love.)

9. Do you believe there is only one person out there for everyone?

AS: I don't think there's one person. I think we learn and grow through various relationships. Don't feel pressured into thinking there's 'the ONE' The hope is you find a great one who brings out your best..."

10. Lastly, has your expert relationship advice worked for you?

AS: I think so! I've been happily married for close to a decade. I had to break my pattern and go outside my comfort zone to find love. I often say that you can't have intimacy without vulnerability. Once I got off the paper checklist and out of my head, I found a good solid relationship.


For more on Andrea check out her Facebook page, Twitter, Instagram and if want to see what else Andrea has to say about dating/relationship visit her website www.andreasyrtash.com.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Regarding the first one about women not showing any interest or making the first move, you could also add women not doing any work. Not that all women do this but there have been many times where a girl won't initiate conversation or do little to nothing to further it and after awhile that puts pressure on us in the sense that we run out of shit to say and we don't know if they're not interested or just shy.

    Conversations, let alone relationships aren't 100/0. They're either 50/50 or at least 60/40.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • As I stated in another post I'm looking for an expert that isn't sexist... This was pretty good except it's funny that even when she says it's fine fir women to ask guys out- and on the very first statement which is refreshing- she has to qualify it with " of course don't come on too strong" as if it's important no one forget that women really shouldn't be asking g guys out its just allowed but they don't do it well and Jeff to their ken device they, l go too far. Virtually everything else was do what feels right think for yourself and don't bother with trying to fit yourself into someone elses view of what you are and should be... Just the don't come on too strong why would anyone go from ok I'm going to ask him out to ok I'm going to go crazy and kidnap him and Force him to have my babies. I mean you if you ask someone out you ask them out its a simple action there's really no co I got on strong if all you're doing is asking them out and any coming on too strong is made possibly by any sex depending on who they are approaching. With most things if your equilibrium is too strong for someone you guys are not compatible rather than " you did something wrong".

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What Guys Said 29

  • Literally the only thing she said I don't agree with is the fact she said there is something wrong with a 14 year old having sex. I can see her point of view, and I wouldn't recommend it either but then again, a teenager CAN consent to sex and in a lot of cases, wants to have sex (I wanted sex when I was 14.)

    Anyway, she is SPOT ON other than that one tidbit! I think dating rules are ridiculous! Where is the official doctrine or rule book which gives society these rules? I've still never seen it. Oh wait, that's because dating rules never did exist and were made up by people who think we live in some fairy tale world with "rules."

    And I like how the person who interviewed said "It's 2015 and why do men STILL wait to text me after the first two dates", as if this was a traditional rule. This isn't a traditional rule... do you want to know why? Because texting didn't even EXIST until about 1993(and people apparently rarely texted back then.) It wasn't until about 2005 or so when people texted on a daily basis as a means for communication.

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    • I think you may have misinterpreted that point. She doesn't feel right about 14 years olds having sex because they are young and inexperienced and thus more likely to be hurt by someone unwilling to make an emotional commitment to them. They are also more unlikely to fully understand the consequences a sexual relationship can have (this is especially true when one partner is younger than the other and less experienced with love and dating).

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    • @9mfeo

      Whereas my sexual awakening began at the age of eight. Waiting for 6 years before getting started in a sexual relationship seems prudent and not rash in that context. The only issue was a lack of sexual partners.

    • @9mfeo Did you remember to take into account such factors like the age of consent and age of first intercourse varies between countries?

      Her considering it to be a problem says something about where she's from.

      For instance, As a Canadian (based on your profile), what do you think about the Tackling Violent Crime Act enacted in May 1, 2008?

      Just to avoid hypocrisy, I've collected some stats.

      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Age_of_consent
      http://chartsbin.com/view/xxj

  • Great advice for everyone. I hope girls learn a thing or two from these myths, and stop listening to 50 year old "men" who "like things the way they used to be"

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    • Forty-eight year old man chiming in here to say that the "way things used to be" wasn't that awesome to begin with. Some healthy change is long overdue.

    • @gray_sailor I was more referring to @sbogs117

  • "I don't like the rule that women should never show interest or make the first move."

    I like this lady already.

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    • Agreed. Most of the times I've gotten women that's not on a dating site is when they made the first move. That makes it so much easier for us.

    • Well, and to me it's important. Women are very concerned with men making bad comments or being too persistent. Not that I necessarily blame them, but to then turn around and say that "men should approach ME" is irresponsible to this concern.

      Furthermore, a man is much harder to offend if a girl makes odd comments, and a guy isn't going to care too much that she's awkward about it. So she isn't risking as much on that part. I've had to deal with security and death threats for fairly harmless comments to a girl I knew. ("Amazing that you can be so busy and stressed, yet keep a smile on your face.").

      Furthermore, the very idea that the man needs to initiate everything creates the slut-stud double standard. Let me explain the common thought process: "It's easy to be a slut when everyone is expected to impress you. It's hard to be a stud when you are expected to impress everyone. You don't gain points for holding off, either, because it's easy to give up on something that's available."

  • From back to front. 10) Married... that's a fuck up already. 9) True. 8) Some people don't have the choice to date who they want to date. They have no choice to settle. 7) Staying present is always key 6) The guy isn't intimidated by her, he is intimidated by the guy she could get over him. And she will go for a better version. The worry is valid. 5) Instincts. Yeah... that's helped plenty of 40 yr old virgins. Fail. 4) Its lunacy that in this day and age, sleeping on the first date is a problem. 3) Men are not let off the hook that easily either. 2) Wrong...2 day rule works. If she is interested, 2 days is fine. If she isn't attracted, 2 seconds won't work as much as 2 days or 2 years whatever. 1) MY WORST. Women don't need rules, guys are the ones that need a fucking bible load of rules to attract a girl. Women will never understand this. Professional or not.

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  • I agree with her in everything, especially with the sleeping in the first date. You open your legs to any guy that charms you at a bar, but when it comes to someone you really like, you don't because you don't want him to lose respect for you and keep interest? I'm sorry, but that's what would make him lose respect for you, the fact you give it too easy to someone you don't care, but don't to those who you care about.
    Anyways, great take, and good advices.

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  • Pretty much everything she has said is wrong from my experiences and people I know... It sounds like she is just trying to make money... because sure, on paper it sounds good to just do what feels natural with someone, but that is such a Hollywood thing to do... there are things that really do matter in dating. sure what she says may be ideal in a perfect world, but the dating world does not actually work that way in the current time.

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    • that being said, I do like advocating women to approach guys and for guys to not be intimidated by women with a good job and such. And now I think about it, I wonder if there are just different rules for men and women...

  • Rules should be tailored to each individual. No one should have to follow someone else's rules in their personal life.

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  • I'm all the time saying on this site that there are no rules when it comes to dating

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  • Interesting, however, instinct in and of itself isn't a rule, really. It's a part of survival ability that can be combined with good tactics can / will make you most formidable.

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  • I liked her. But I don't know why I still believe that we should wait for 2 days to contact. :/

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    • She was right, though. If a guy waited two days to contact me, that tells me he isn't that interested or he thinks he is doing me a favor by letting me date him. Not cool in my book and it pushes me away.

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    • You're welcome. ☺

  • Pretty good take. People especially on here say how you should wait to text back to seem like you don't like them all that much but if I knew someone was doing that I'd feel so turned off by them because they are faking being someone that they aren't.

    Also I know this is irrelevant but she was a really large mouth. It's just really wide. I can't be the only one that noticed that right? I'm not trying to be mean or anything it's just so... wide. Maybe it's just me.

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    • *she has a really large mouth

      not she was a really large mouth

    • If a guy waited two days to contact me or takes too long to text back, that tells me he isn't that interested or he thinks he is doing me a favor by letting me date him. Not cool in my book and it pushes me away.

  • " It's 2015, why do men still wait two days to text me after a date?"

    It's 2015 why do men have to text you at all and you can't get off your butt to MEET ( fucking texting ) him?
    Where's all that "girl power" we are inundated with?

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  • In regard to girls making the first move, I wouldn't say that girls should watch out for "coming on too strong". Just don't come off as desperate, and you'll be fine. There's absolutely nothing wrong with bluntly asking a guy out in a straightforward manner.

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  • There's a couple specific things in this take that are like huge BS.
    But other than that, really good one.

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  • @OP, ''Relationship Expert Andrea Syrtash Doesn't Like Dating Rules''..

    Good for her.. Does she want a cookie?

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  • I think she's saying a lot of PC stuff, but nothing most won't disagree with.

    i'd prefer a successful woman in principle, merely because it shows dedication/ambition.

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  • I thinknwe should be weary of advice from a woman who's name sounds dangerously close to 'Tire Slash'

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  • Hey Andrea Syrtash. You're hot

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  • This is one of my favourite Takes so far. What an amazing woman!

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  • >relationship expert

    I can't be the only person who sees the hypocrisy in that "term"

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  • More from Guys
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What Girls Said 8

  • I rarely agree with just about everything that she said here and was pleasantly surprised. I AM surprised that so many guys disagreed with her answers. They actually benefit guys more.
    As far as guys waiting to contact a girl... If a guy waited two days to contact me after a date or took too long to respond to a text, that tells me he isn't that interested or he thinks he is doing me a favor by letting me date him. Not cool in my book and it pushes me away. I'm too straightforward for games.
    Regarding being 100 steps ahead in dating, it's tru. I do this. I look at a guy that catches my interest and the three questions in my mind are, "will my friends like him", "will my dad like him" and "will he fit in with my family and friends". The approval of family and friends has become important to me because they didn't approve of every single guy that wound up breaking my heart. I didn't listen and I regretted it. I have actually been trying to tell myself to stop this train of thought, because I realize that it isn't going to help me in the long run and that I have probably let a few good guys get away.
    In reference to sex on the first date, if he's a relative stranger to me, I most likely will not sleep with him until I know him better. I'm not one to sleep around and have sex with just whoever. With that said, if I felt a strong chemistry between us, I probably would sleep with him on the first date. I also would sleep with a guy on the first date if we knew each other or had been conversing for a while before the date and I felt a connection with him. I have a friend who slept with a guy on the first date and they are now happily married with three kids. He had worked for her dad, so she knew him and they had a great connection. She acted on how she felt. He did not disrespect her for it.
    Yes, I agree with it being okay for women to ask guys out. Why should men have all the pressure put on them? If I really like a guy, I would make a move. Now the question of who pays comes in. I think the one doing the asking should pay for the date. If I asked a guy out, I would expect to pay. Of course, if he stopped me and said he wanted to pay, that would actually make me like him even more. Not because of the money, though. I like that he's not one of those guys complaining about how it's not fair that women don't pay. He doesn't EXPECT it from me. I have a thing for guys that actually THINK about me and how I feel.
    Nice interview!

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    • @crystalt70 The ironic thing is, most guys on GAG seem to complain girls are prudes or won't put out on the first date, yet, they're on this question complaining about how it's "slutty" to have sex on the first date.

      So, you want a girl who gives out sex but if she gives out too early, that's bad as well. I can't follow their logic.

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    • right now and ask for sex and they would come right over. That's not what I want, though. Anyway, then there are girls who think they need to wait a certain amount of time before she has sex with a guy. Well, that's like the whole waiting two days for a guy to call a girl after a date thing. It's crap. Some guys see these girls as playing games or prudish. I can go on and on, but the point is that men and women make the mistake of being inside their heads too much instead of communicating. This causes a lot of unnecessary issues between them. They can and do lose out on what could be great relationships if they were just more open and stopped thinking that they know what the other wants and thinks.

    • Women, don't know how to be or portray themselves as somewhere in between prudish and whorish. It's usually either one extreme or another. That's a huge deal and the reason they attract certain guys. Then they wonder why they can't get the guys they want. And, yes, I have been guilty of this as well. The difference is, I am aware of it, can admit it and I have made progress in my way of thinking.

  • Totally agree. Especially about the two-day rule. If someone isn't actually eager and excited about me, why would I want to go out with them again? I want to be with someone who ACTUALLY wants to be with me, instead of just wanting to fill their time.

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    • If you WANT to be with someone that bad, why don't you text them?

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    • I hate to say it but at around my age group, usually the ones I've shown less interest in liked me more and vice versa. In fact the ones I was truly interested in, if I showed more interest than they did even if I'm not contacting them constantly, they back off and act like I'm clingy.

      I think he rule goes both ways though. Well it should.

    • @bloodmountain1990 I feel like y'all are meeting really awful women (or at least really conservative ones). You should be excited about the people that you date. You should be nervous around them. I hate that stupid game playing business. I quite literally don't have time for it and it puts my anxiety disorder into overdrive.

  • Good article for the most part. Bottom line seems to be do what you feel is right and put and honest effort forward. You may get burned or have some great experiences, or a combination of both.

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  • Yes! If I like a guy and I want to sleep with him then I will — I don't care if its the first date or the 27th.

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  • Great interview. Really answers some of the questions people keep asking on here.

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  • This is really insightful. Thanks for the great advice Andrea!

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  • Andrea I like you.

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  • Damn you Andrea

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