My boyfriend doesn't like the way I look. Should I dump him?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend complains about how I look. He says that I look trashy because I dye my hair, that I need a tan because I'm too pale, and I should take out my labret piercing. He also says he loves me but he still hurts my feelings when he says that stuff to me. I've seen the other girls he's dated and I don't look a thing like them so I don't get why he's even with me. I love him but he's starting to make me feel really bad about myself. What should I do?

Updates

+1 y

I did dump him last week. I got tired of hearing about how trashy I look and realized that enough is enough.

[recklessheart]

As someone who is only recently getting over really deep set, lifelong insecurity, I can tell you that the kind of people who are willing to tear you down (regardless of their motives) are NOT worth having in your life.

It's one thing to offer "constructive criticism" (IE, "I think you really look nice when you wear your hair in a pony tail as opposed to a bun" or whatever it may be) - this kind of comment is friendly and well-meaning, and isn't insulting in any way; it's just your boyfriend suggesting preferences.

It's completely different to say you "look trashy" because you dye your hair. I dye my hair too, and if my man ever told me I was trashy because of it, you can bet he'd be walking.

No one should EVER have that kind of control over how you feel about yourself. A significant other should be doing everything they can to make sure that you feel beautiful regardless of what piercings you have or what you do to your hair. That's the difference between a healthy suggestion and an insult.

I know you love him, but please, don't let anyone ever talk to you that way. We are conditioned to believe that everyone else has a say in how we feel about ourselves - they DON'T. If you like dying your hair and wearing your piercing, then DO IT. Never let anyone you're in a relationship with tell you you look trashy. You're beautiful and unique and you deserve someone who appreciates that.

[Paris13]

It's obvious, sweetie, that he Doesn't 'Love me' Unconditionally, and wants a New make over in this matter To------Make you feel bad about myself. This is His Main Motive in mind with you here, dear, to make you feel 'Bad enough' about yourself so you will comply with everything from the dye to the 'Labret piercing.'
If you start to stand for this, you will always have to stoop to whatever Poop he throws your way to Get-----His Own way with any mucked up matter.
Sit him down and have a little pet talk with him. Tell him you like who you are, that what you Do is Your own business and none of His and to Stop the Monkey business right now Or----Send him Packing to the past where he can get up again with 'the other girls he's dated and I don't look a thing like them.'
He's barking up the wrong tree. He Obviously wants you to change to something you are not and expects you to like it or lump it. Stand your ground and be your own straw boss. Tell him too if he doesn't like to look at you, then he needs to hit the road and find another pasture where it might be greener.
Maybe in the beginning he accepted you for who you were and who you wanted to be but now that you have been together for awhile... it's a horse of another color.
This is not 'Love,' it's control, mental abuse and thoughtlessness.
Good luck. xx

[lumos]

Dump him. There's nothing trashy about dying your hair if you do it correctly. There's nothing wrong with being pale (and it's pretty unhealthy to tan in the long run, unless you get it naturally from simply doing things outside a lot). And, he has no right to demand you take out your piercings that you wanted for yourself and paid money for.
Your partner is supposed to help you, support you and care for you. Not tear you down and complain about petty things like that. Also, if he truly wanted to be helpful/supportive, he could definitely have said these things in a nicer manner. Not call you trashy or whatever, that's just rude.
If you don't want to dump him, that's fine, but you need to stand up for yourself and really put your foot down. Tell him that if he's unhappy about the way you look, either suck it up or leave. Because you're not willing to change these things. I've always thought that it can be a good idea to take your partner's opinions into consideration, even when they're about your appearance, but this is just way too much and seriously unnecessary of him.

[Red_Arrow]

"I love him but he's starting to make me feel really bad about myself." So what the heck do you love about a guy who does not like how you look, wants you to change, says thing to hurt you, and is making you feel really bad about yourself?

Look at your situation from the outside, then tell your inside half to run like hell.

[corolfulltiger22]

OMG OF COURSE DUMP HIM. We need to love each other as they are THIS IS LOVE LOVE ISN'T DO THE OTHER WHAT EVER I WANT. THAT ALSO SHOWS THAT YOUR BOYFRIEND IS ADDICTED TO p*rn . YOU SHOULD DUMP HIM IMMEDIATELY DONT WASTE YOUR TIME WITH PEOPLE WHO DONT ACTUALLY LOVE, MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE CRAP AND LIE TO YOU.

[Mesonfielde]

How the hell did you manage to a conclusion on p*rn addiction? Wtf?

[corolfulltiger22]

Because your perception of how girls are sexy can change by watching p*rn so you will start trying to change your girl to look like a pornstars cause that's what your mind thinks that's is the only way to get better orgasm

[vanessabby21]

Yeah I couldn't be with someone like that in my opinion it would eventually just make you feel really insecure. I'm already insecure myself so that'd really bring me down and make me feel really ugly. I think your boyfriend should accept you for who you are and love the way you look and it's rude that he tells you that stuff. He should be making you feel beautiful not bad about yourself. I think if I was you I'd feel like he was using me for something else and I don't think I could handle someone telling me those things especially if it's someone who's supposed to love you the way you are and look.

[Asker]

He always says he loves me but still says stuff about how I look. I'm starting to wonder if he means it when he tells me he loves me.

[Foxxpaw]

Ohhh honey... I can't help but think how much that hurts everytime he says something like that, (Ive been in a similar situation with my ex) ... I think you should find a man who loves you for who YOU are, inside and out!!! dont let him take your confidence away!! belive me hun, it may hurt now, but after you hear something like that so many times, you start believing it... dont allow this behaviour to continue, and if he doesn't except you for you, then its time for him to go... best of luck :)

[nert73]

If he's complaining about it, he isn't worth it. Especially if it's bothering you which it sounds like it is quite a bit.
If you want to stay with him, woman up and tell him to shut his mouth or get out. That may be the only way to get him to listen.

[Anonymous]

We all try to change people to where we think it's best for them to be. Odds are he's saying this because he wants you to try and look more "professional", ask him why, it can't really hurt. If you don't want to change, don't.

[Asker]

I did ask him why and he says that he just doesn't like how I look. I just have a few blond highlights in my hair and the labret is a simple silver bead one which I do take out when I go to work as a bank teller. I've always been naturally pale and can't tan without burning horribly. My skin tone isn't something that can change.

[lumos]

Odds are he's saying these things because she doesn't fit his specific idea of "beauty" and not because he wants her to look professional.

[Elenamireina]

Yes you should. No one should tell you to change your look just to please them. Be yourself and find someone more deserving of you ms. Goddess :)

[Asker]

Thanks. That's nice to say. :)

[ThatWeirdOne]

He seems too controlling if he is making you depressed or talking trash about you or making you feel self conscience about how you look. dump his fuckin ass.

[poppunk]

YES YES YES sexual compatibility is extremely important and never settle for a guy who doesn't look at you like the sun shines out of your ass to quote Juno

[Izzex3]

I think you should have a talk with him to let him know how you're feeling and what your thinking.
If the talk doesn't solve the problem then dump him.

[cheonsongyi]

Dump him. It shows that he only cares about your appearance. Not your amazing personality inside!!

[mithramitzmittu]

Don't be with someone who mistreats you like this! Good, that you dumped him.

[Mesonfielde]

Well, you guys clearly aren't compatible. It's a shame, really. Especially because of the tan thing, I don't like piercings either so I somewhat see his point.

[Mesonfielde]

Technically, I think this is a warning from him that if you don't change what he dislikes, then HE will dump YOU.

[rachel_lee78]

I wouldn't be with him, he isn't making you feel good about yourself and that's a big thing. It's also disrespectful.

[singlebee]

Ah... are you fat? Maybe he is talking about you being fat...
But he is talking about your face or hair... then it is just rude... you can burn you fat and get in shape but can't change your face... dump him.!!

[Marihorror]

"Never date anyone who isn't proud of you."

[Alicietta]

Dump him. He's being rude and critical.

[WhaChaChaKing]

He sounds rude, dump him.

[Ulyss]

Wow what a dick you deserve better

[Princessofpersia]

Why is this even a question? DUMP HIM

[Horuseus]

You MUST dump him.

[jmmmfi]

what a dick