My boyfriend doesn’t make me feel appreciated and gets mad when I bring it up, what should I do?

Question

A lot of it has to do with social media. He rarely likes my photos/comments on them. He has commented nice things on his female friends’ photos before, and he often like their photos (sometimes they are sexy photos too). He has even gone out of his way to like several random photos on a random girls’ profile. He never really compliments me in person; the most he has ever said is “oh, you look good” and that’s about it. He doesn’t show physical affection, and he never says he loves me. Whenever we go out, people mention he doesn’t seem like my boyfriend and they try and get my number. My friends also have mentioned that he doesn’t seem like my boyfriend, more like my friend, when we go out for the first time together. Whenever i mention he doesn’t make me feel special, he gets upset with me. He tells me “i take you out, i pay for things, i go down on you during sex, i listen to you, i care about you. Your ex was abusive and apparently I’m worse than him now!” Then i feel really guilty and sad inside. I hate communicating this with him because it always turns into an argument. I am not sure why i don’t deserve to be complimented once in a while, or to feel cherished and beautiful to the man I’m dating. I feel like he gives other girls attention (especially online), and the more i mention it, the more he does it. I am lost and don’t know what to do. Maybe i am overreacting, but, then again, i feel a man should naturally won’t to appreciate his woman. There was also a time in the beginning of dating where he wouldn’t reply to my messages for 12-24 hours sometimes, but, he’d always be on social media, doing the things i didn’t like or appreciate.

hulkster · Accepted Answer

This sounds like to me, sorry to say this, your jealous of him commenting on his friends pics that girls.
If he takes you out, cares for you, and buys nice things for you? what more do you want from him?
At the end of the day, him commenting on other girls pictures means, nothing in the social media, social media is fake, most of those girls he comments through facebook, he probably never socializes with them in the real world.
Most of time when people compliment each other on social media, its not sincere, its more to please the other person.

If you are looking to your boyfriend to make you feel good and beautiful, then that means you suffer from low self-esteem. Seeking validation from others, is not going to help you, and no matter how much he tells you sexy you are, it will never be good enough for you, because you don't feel good about yourself anyway. seeking validation from others, is like a black hole, no matter you give it, its never enough, the black keeps sucking everything in.

My advice to you, start appreciating yourself, and start think you are beautiful first. The only opinion that matters, is your own opinion, and you need to be saying these affirmations every day at least five times a day, that will rise your self esteem.

Saying that, don't get me wrong its nice to be appreciated from your partner, but maybe look for appreciation from your boyfriend else where. If you want him to appreciate you, you also have to appreciate him as well.
It could as simple as him treating to a nice day out in spar somewhere, getting your makeup done, your hair done etc. But if you want him to do that for you, try throwing some hints at him, like I would love to go for a spar treatment one day.

One more thing, COME OFF FLAMING SOCIAL MEDIA, IF YOU KNOW WHATS GOOD FOR YOU AND ANY RELATIONSHIP YOU HAVE WITH A GUY, CAUSE ALL IT WILL DO IS DESTROY THEM. FACEBOOK COULD END THIS RELATIONSHIP, AND MANY MORE DOWN THE LINE.
BE CAREFUL, YOUNG LADY.

Bjorn526 · Accepted Answer

I’m kinda thinking two things; I’d like to get his perspective on this, see what he says. Something tells me he feels whatever he is doing, may not be good enough and feels discouraged. Does he give you examples of how he has tried to show you how much he appreciates you? I’m not trying to take the opposite position, but noticed it is so easy to take your side, while not considering his.
However if he is truly neglecting you, acting like your needs are a nuisance, ridiculous and not sensitive to your feelings, then I would say, you probably should create space between you two, to see how he reacts to that

Kelly_aleksandra · Accepted Answer

Ah i wanna get you out of that relationship so bad. If he cared for you like he says he does why does he get upset and argue with you everytime you bring up a situation that affects you. With all do respect your boyfriend sounds like scum. i don't mean to brag but my partner would tell me how beautiful i am everyday, even if i dont see him, and you're right. i used to get crazy jealous when he'd like other females pictures cos i felt they were better than me and he told me that, yes they do look nice but that doesn't mean that they are nicer than you. in his opinion he is with me, a girl that most men want. when we go out and he see's another man watching me for too long, he grabs my hand or slaps my ass, and then he told that he feels so lucky to be with a girl that most men wish they had. you aren't over reacting, he is being very foolish and he shouldn't take you for granted like this. and also paying for things is something materialistic i dont think your he type of person that cares for material things, more the love and affection. And the fact he gets mad when you bring it up makes me suspicous about him, like maybe he is flirting or doing some unfaithful shit. if i talk to my man about something, it's always a calm convo and we find ways of fixing our problems, a good relationship relies on a balance of equailty and communication. TELL YOUR MAN TO FIX THE FUCK UP, OR LEAVE HIM. he's #trash

coralee · Accepted Answer

I've been dating the same guy for two years and I haven't even bothered to change my relationship status on facebook. Different people display affection differently. It isn't about you it's about him and his comfort level. If you are feeling neglected that's a problem, but first take a deep breath and look for the ways he does show affection. Does he text you to ask how you are doing all the time, does he remember tiny details of things you say, does he go out of his way to help you or your family members. Different people show their love in different ways. Be sure you aren't ignoring his ways of showing affection before you convince yourself that he doesn't care. I have a feeling that this is more your insecurity talking and you are actively looking for reasons why he doesn't want to be there. When we let our insecurity take over it doesn't allow us to see all the good things that contradict what that nasty little voice is telling you. Social media isn't the end all and be all of a relationship. Tell that voice telling you, you aren't good enough to shut up for a day and try to see how he shows affection. If your still not convinced dump him and find someone who will treat you better. But, don't let insecurity dictate your life.

Halligan · Accepted Answer

Women who are in an abusive relationship often get “rescued” by another abusive relationship. They neglect, they turn your words against you, they make you feel guilty for having an opinion... it happens slowly, but it’s a control thing. They will treat you worse over time to where you don’t realize it, and when you bring it up, they will always bring up your ex, not the current relationship. He’s also likely cheating.

Do not stay in this relationship, you are better than this. Take some time off from dating to focus on healing.

vivmatt · Answer

The same thing with me and my now boyfriend of three years. At first, he didn't know how to treat me special or initiate physicality. Whereas I had been in several relationships before and knew how I wanted to be treated. Unfortunately, that meant me being disappointed a lot and him gradually becoming self conscious. The situation was bad until I decided to take things slower than I'm used to and he seemed to notice. This allowed for him to take his own steps and gradually become the boyfriend of my dreams ~ instead of your issues sounding like complaints, make them sound like kind encouragements. Works like a charm!

eor324 · Answer

The way he tries to make you feel bad for having these feelings is manipulative! You have a right to your own feelings and if he wants to be part of your life he needs to do something to change your feelings. I've put up with this kind of emotional manipulation for many years and since I started putting my foot down and saying exactly what I said up above things have changed, drastically. Tell him what I said and see if he changes, if he doesn't then give him an ultimatum, if he still doesn't change.. leave! You're young and I'm sure beautiful, and there are many many more men in the world who would treat you like a queen.

Comawhite666 · Answer

He's not into you as much as you want to, everything you've written has said that he's most likely with you "just because". A guy in love wouldn't be doing that on social media all the time, would tell you daily that he loves you and contact you frequently. If even at the start he was like that then he never was all that into you in the first place. Leave him and find someone worthy of you.

In all honesty it sounds as if he wants you to break up with him as he's being all defensive and acting childish over something really stupid.

SarahsSummer · Answer

First off, you need to separate social media “likes” from the real world. Counting likes or relying on social media for ones self worth is disturbing behavior.
THAT SAID, if your boyfriend doesn’t make you feel special when you’ve clearly told him your needs, that’s a problem. You say the tells you “i listen to you, i care about you” but he really doesn’t. A successful relationship is one where two people communicate their needs and both make efforts to provide them. I don’t see this relationship as the best fit for you.

madhatters4 · Answer

well the social media stuff really shouldn't matter but in totality it does show a lack of verbal intimacy on his part.

it's pretty messed up for him to react the way he does. i mean he has a point but drudging up an abusive partner is really fucked up

i think you need to just say i would like some verbal and physical affection from you. i know you do lots of other things but different people like to have love shown in different ways. and if you care rather than getting mad just make an effort.
while at the same time you try to recognize that outside of the physical and verbal affection/appreciation he does do things that are indications of his feelings and try to be patient and understanding that perhaps verbal or physical affection/appreciation may not come easy to him

igree010 · Answer

Why be with someone who doesn't care about your feelings?
"He tells me "i take you out, i pay for things, i go down on you during sex, i listen to you, i care about you. Your ex was abusive and apparently I’m worse than him now!” - Him getting upset about that, is his problem. He shouldn't spin it around because you confronted him about it and you're upset, it was about your feelings and not his. You're meant to be a couple, if you are upset or not happy you would talk about it and try and resolve it- on both your side and his.
To me, It sounds like he knows your dependable. He knows you won't leave him- because he's gotten away with shit you don't like... which is a horrible trait.

Drop his ass, why waste years on something or someone that doesn't make YOU happy and in a good state of mind 🤷‍♀️

lumos · Answer

Doesn’t sound like a good thing. I always want to take everything on social media with a grain of salt, but the fact that he keeps treating all the other girls around him ”better” than you, and does it even more when you try to talk about it, tells me that he’s doing it on purpose. And the fact that he blames you for feeling this way, without even taking what you have to say into consideration, tells me he isn’t mature enough to be in a relationship. Communication is key. You should be able to talk about these things, even if you disagree, without him resorting to blaming you or throwing temper tantrums (sarcastically comparing himself to your ex..). I don’t see this working out in the long run unless he does a 180 degree turn when it comes to communication.

rozequarts · Answer

hmm I dont know what EXACTLY he's doing on social media, but from some comments it seems he slides in other girls DMs? And flirts with them? Well if thats the case - why would he do so? The answer doesn't sound like a good one. He doesn't sound very faithful in that case. Not only this but if my boyfriend was on social media, he would like my pics at least because its not even about the number of likes its just normal to like and sorta morally support your SO in that small way. Eitherway, if you feel you need more, and he's not giving it to you - find someone else. In the end always ask yourself are you happy? No? Then it doesn't matter what he believes he's giving you, if you're not satisfied you have the right to look elsewhere.

azzntittiz · Answer

It's your relationship, only you know the true reasons you're with him and what your best decision is. I try not to comment much on people having these types of relationship issues because this is just your side to the story, and maybe if I tell you what I really think you'd be offended.

zulfiqarali · Answer

It's sad indeed.. but can u pl tell why u with him after this All? Is he not compliment u only or he treat u generally in this way.. I mean he not love u or he not care about u... until full picture is not known.. an honest opinion can not be given... are u with him and tolerating him cz u love him? anyways whatever is doing is not fair... he is taking u for granted and he should respect ur loyalty and should not do such things on social media... take a break.. a couple of days away from him... gather urself and think positive and negative points and then decide... another thing if u r good u not need compliment of anyone and from those who not care... treat him like he treat u to make him realize

cherryphi82 · Answer

It doesn't sound good. Not liking or commenting on your stuff online is not really a red flag on its own, but it's all the other behavior you describe that makes me question how serious he is. Especially his defensiveness. It seems like the things he does "for you" are him just going through the motions. They really only mean something within the right context, otherwise they're empty gestures. Be prepared for the worst. I'm not saying this can't be saved, but it's most likely best if you didn't set your hopes to high. Weigh your options and choose what you think is best. Always remember to do yourself the biggest favor so you can breathe and be happy.

roriberry · Answer

Relationships are a private deal, maybe he feels he doesn't need to show his affection online. As well; just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean he needs to be in constant contact. If his actions are different infront of friends and family, and in person then talk. But relationships aren't social media.

XRabbitHeartX · Answer

The fact that he gets upset when you bring your problems to him is a huge red flag. My boyfriend always always listens to me when I tell him things that bother me and then we have a civil and relaxed discussion about it together with no one blaming the other or gettig angry or defensive.

He needs to learn that in a relationship it is common decency to hear your partner out and to find a way to resolve things instead of acting like a 5 year old. You are a team and if he is not willing to talk about it and find common ground in a adult manner, then it may be time to reconsider if you want a man who will have no desire to resolve issues for the rest of his and your life.

PanisaLit · Answer

Test him. Create space and give him the silent treatment. Obviously, verbal confrontation didn’t work so give him a little taste of his own medicine. I know it sounds petty, but communication failed between you two, so start liking pictures of guys or guy friends (even sexy pictures of them). If guys offer you their numbers in person, accept it just to see his reaction. He sounds really indifferent towards you, but if you do those two things and if you get a strong reaction out of him, that’s when you see hypocrisy. If he doesn’t care, he doesn’t care. Either way, your relationship may be sinking but confirm it’s sinking before abandoning ship.

ikEVERYTHING · Answer

Ok, all men will like pics of good looking girls on instagram, we just do. However i do not agree with not showing you affection or showing other girls more affection, now i actually have a friend and she came to me with the same question, her ex was doing, well, everything you just mentioned and i told her. "Look" (lets call her taco). "Look taco, likeing other girl's pictures isn't a big deal tbh, but complimenting other girls besides you but like complimenting in like.. you know.. is wrong. He probably doesn't take your relationship seriously, if i were you i would look for someone who will actually treat you like a queen" so yeah now im passing this down to you... gl

Lilyanony · Answer

Say he stopped doing all the things he does and started liking your pictures and paying you compliments would you be happy with your relationship?

I think you may be sensitive because of a bad past experience but equally he should be able to pay you a better compliment than "you look good "
I think your love language is different and you're clashing. Reassess if you can get past this and talk or think about walking.
If you're not happy you're not happy. You have to work out why it is and deal with it, is he the issue or do you need to love yourself more first?

I hope you work this one out.

Evkaxy · Answer

It sounds to me like you are not a good match. You are someone who needs attention and need to be appreciated. There is of course nothing wrong with that. But you are dating a guy who doesn't really express his emotions in the relationship. And there is nothing wrong with that either. But I don't think he will change and I think you'll be frustrated.

Felinegirl · Answer

It sounds like he isn't all that into you, like he sees the relationship as a chore instead of seeing you as the amazing person you are.

I've been in a similar situation, it hurts, but in the end it's probably best to consider letting him go. This only gets worse over time.

JohnFrost · Answer

The social media stuff is kinda dumb. Fact he is with you not with them says he likes you more then them.

But sounds like he doesn't make you happy and you are scared to leave. Like scared to be alone. But from what you say it doesn't sound worth it.

young_blud · Answer

Break up with him. Social media shouldn't be that big of a deal but if he is paying that sort of attention to other girls then he isn't giving you the special treatment you deserve.
"A boy will try to make his significant other jealous of other girls, but a Man will make other girls jealous of his woman."

My boyfriend doesn’t make me feel appreciated and gets mad when I bring it up, what should I do?

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