My boyfriend got arrested for domestic violence

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I had been together for 4 years. Occasionally when he would drink liquor and get drunk he would put his hands on me.He never hit me, but he would push me, hold me down and various other things. It only happened when he was drinking liquor. He said he never remembered doing those things.

About 2 months ago, he came home drunk and we argued. He held me down on the bed and forced me to listen to him for about 20 minutes. Then he passed out. The next day I asked him if he remembered what he did and he said no. I told him and he cried and said he was very disappointed in himself and he would never drink again.

Fast forward to his birthday weekend. He got drunk at a friends and I came to get him. When I arrived. he wasn't there. After an hour of looking, I found him at a different friends house. He had gotten in a fight with his best friend. So to calm him down from that, we went to another friends house. After a few hours he wouldn't leave. He was argumentative, and rather than argue in front of all of his friends, I went home.

The next day he came home while our son and I were taking a nap. I awoke to him jerking his phone charger off the table and him doing everything he could to wake me up. Angry, I got up and then he started in on how I can't ever have fun and how I always ruin his birthdays. Then he started asking for the money that we had loaned my parents. I will admit that I balled the money up and threw it at his head, He threw a zip loc bag of ice at my head. I then grabbed his birthday present and threw it outside. While I was walking back in the door he came running at me and the next thing I know, I am on lying on the deck with scratches and bruises all over the left side of my body.

He then tells me to leave and then he tells me I can't leave. He finally let me leave, (and yes our son was still there but only because I know that it would not have ended well if I tried to take him with me).

I call the boyfriends mom and ask her to get him to leave for a few days and calm down. She is too busy.. she has dry her hair and wait for her boyfriend to get home. I ask the boyfriend to leave and he says no. Finally after an hour of driving around, I make the decision to go to the police and get him out of the house. The officer was getting ready to leave when he noticed the bruising and scrapes. He then informed that he suspected abuse and he had to arrest the boyfriend no matter what I said.

My boyfriend went to jail within 30 minutes... on his birthday. He is not allowed to contact me until after the court date which is April 27th.

I know I did the right thing, but it hurts. He needed help with his alcohol issues, and on his facebook I see that he has started going to back to his court ordered aa meetings. I also saw that he has started using dating apps.

How do I move on from this? What do I tell my son? Why doesn't he feel bad for what he did? Why is trying to find someone else?

[bersaba]

There's something that I wanted to comment on here, but I just want to clarify I'm not attacking you by saying it.

You said:

"* Occasionally when he would drink liquor and get drunk he would put his hands on me.

* He never hit me, but he would push me, hold me down and various other things.

* It only happened when he was drinking liquor.

* He said he never remembered doing those things. "

None of that, at all, is valid nor an excuse. If anyone should stumble upon this question, and find themselves in a similar situation, leave now, leave early.

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As for your questions. (speaking as a mental health nurse where it matters).

1: Moving on will be, more then anything else, time.

2: What you tell your son depends on his age, but something truthful without being mean spirted. Something like "Dad's sick, and he needs help, but we can't be near him until he gets better". Don't lie, kids can see through lies pretty easy. Above all else kids crave routine, and if life is stable your son will be ok.

3: He doesn't feel bad probably because he's an abusive alcoholic. I haven't worked much in the DNA ward (Drug and Alcohol), but my mother did (she's also a mental health nurse). Alcoholics, as a generalisation, see anything that they do when drunk as "the alcohol's fault". That is, they aren't responsible, the drink is. That's why a lot have the remorseful loving phase when sober. The problem is they're alcoholics, and need to drink. It takes a lot of willpower, and they need to want to change, to be able to. I'm not sure if court ordered AA will truly help as it's not his choice.

4: Honestly, I'd be happy about that, as horrible as that might sound. If he's looking for someone else, he's not looking for you. Break of your relationship as completly as possible. The worst possible outcome would be if you go back to him, and he hurts you or your son.

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One last thing. There's often not-for-profit groups that can help with psychologists / counsellors. Try a women's shelter, or even ask the police, as they'll often know who you can contact and talk to. Makes me so glad I live in a country with universal health care (Australia).

[Asker]

Thank you for being kind and understanding :) The EX has apologized to me countless times, and has begged me to take him back. As far as I can tell, he has been going to AA meetings everyday because he wants to. I choose to not have a lot of contact with him, so I don't know how he acts and all that. I'm enjoying my life now, and I've found that I am able to provide for my son and I without a lot of help. Thank you so much for your advice!

[bersaba]

Your welcome and I wish you all the best.

[PeterCobra]

I can tell just by reading your story that you are probably not a very intellegent person. Sorry to you or anybody else that doesn't like this but it is what it is. You are fostering a situation that is very stupid for yourself and for your son. Having said that, it really doesn't matter what anybody tells you on here, with the decision making processes that you appear to have, it is just a matter of time before you end up in similar situation again. Sorry your in a bad place but this has "i wanna bad boy / I wanna project to fix and make him whole" kind of b.s. written all over it. The second sentence in your description should have been as far as the story goes. Look at how much more the nonsense goes on. I used to feel sorry for girls like you but then after about my 4th year as a DFCS investigator I learned the unfortunate truth that most of these situations happen because of the screwed up girls taking all the abuse. Look at you, after all this you are still worried about him dating other girls and worried about him finding someone else...WHY DO YOU CARE? Cause your not done. You want more. I even heard a judge say once that he can sentence the men for their physical crimes, but to fully solve the problems he would have to sentence the woman 9 times out of 10 for crimes of stupidity. And since he can not, these problems will go on til the end of time. I have even handled different cases of abuse involving the same woman, DIFFERENT MEN. Are they all like that? NO. Is yours like that? Based on your description...YES. Your first paragraph (out of six) would have been enough for any woman I know with any sense to say #*!^ YOU and be done. You are sitting here worried if he's talking to someone else.

[Asker]

I've not been on here in a while because I have been trying to get my life figured out. If you'd like to assume that all girls who have dated abusive men are the same, then go ahead, but you don't know me and it's not up to you to judge me. My emotional state of mind was a lot different a month ago than it is now. Although I have nothing to prove, I will tell you this. I am enjoying the single life. I do not want or need that man back in my life. I am happy now and I am making it without a man.

[PeterCobra]

Sorry to offend you with my observation. At no time did I say that all abused women are the same. I was critical of the ones who let it continue far too long, especially with children involved. I did share a statement that a local judge made. There are some with come common sense and the first time, they are GONE. They know their self-worth and what their children are worth and will not tolerate it. In any case, it is good to hear that you are doing well and not clinging to abuse.

[PeterCobra]

Quote from my post: "Are they all like that? NO."

[Asker]

I apologize. I did miss that part of your answer.

[PeterCobra]

It's cool. I was too harsh anyway. I hope all is well and good luck.

[winslow]

this coming from a person who can't spell intelligent.

[Anonymous]

You leave him and never speak to him again. Personally, I'd try to find a way to get full custody. Get a protective order against him. Let him see his son if the state says that he HAS to, but never let him back in your life.

It's hard, but you know what, it's only hurting YOUR SON if you make bad decisions. If you let your boyfriend come back and continue to abuse you - and yes, he was abusing you, mentally and physically - YOU SON sees all of this. Your son loses respect for you, respect for women, and is just generally scared and hurt by his terrifying and cruel father.

Get psychiatric help if you need to talk to someone. There is no reason to be embarrassed. You are going through a very difficult time, but you have to be strong for your son. Maybe ask a friend or family member to stay with you, or you go stay with them for a while. Make sure you always have a phone around so you can call the cops if your boyfriend shows up at the house (and dI suspect he will... drunk). Do not associate with him or his friends.

Stay strong. Message people on this site if you want, but stay strong. If your boyfriend touched you once, he'll eventually touch your son too. Men like that have no dignity or morals.

[Asker]

He had to sign injunction that prevents him from coming to our home or being around me or our son. Our son never saw any of the abuse, but I was very afraid that one day he would. The boyfriends father had an alcohol addiction and abused his mother as well.

I would love to talk to a therapist but I've went from paying half the bills to paying all of them in the span of 5 days. I've also lost the person who watched our son, so now I can't work a lot of shifts.

I just wish I could forget him.

[Opinion Owner]

Talk to someone. There is help out there for women who are alone in the world or victims of domestic abuse. You may not be religious, but your nearest Church can go a long way in helping you. A priest will always talk to you and try to help, and he would know of places around you where you could go for support. Also, keep close to family and friends. They are more important now than ever.

I'm glad your boyfriend can't see your son. If your son hasn't seen the abuse yet, he would have soon.

[puregoddess]

you made the right choice for you and your son i understand where you coming from i also was in an abusive relationship my sons father turned into a drunk after his mother and into drugs and i had to put restraining order on him it always been emotionally mentally abuse and it was hardest still hard 12 years together we been broke up for a year it took a lot of strength constantly repeated to myself i did it for my kids and i it struggle he stolen left me in debt i'm getting on my feet you can do nobody deserve to treated like no matter keep your head up stay strong

[Quadrophonic84]

Tell your son the guy has an illness in his head and it's nothing to do with the boy. You move on by focusing first on your son and then on yourself. He doesn't feel bad because he is mentally ill. He is looking for someone else because a) he's a predator and b) misery loves company.

[Asker]

Our son is only 2, so I'm not sure he would understand an illness. I guess it makes since that he is a predator. We got together a few months after a breakup with another girl.

[Anonymous]

he beat you because he wanted too