Best friends with benefits or potential relationship?

[Anonymous]

I have a good friend who I talk to all the time, we're just about best friends.. we play video games together all the time, text, talk at work, and basically just keep each other company almost 24/7. He's only hung at my place 4 times. But we also have sex every time he is over. But I don't know what the status of our relationship is.. are we friends with benefits or is there a potential for more?

I'm wary of talking about it with him because he confuses me a lot. When I first started talking to him he would confide in me his likes for this chick who has a boyfriend, who he'll never get with but he has/had a crush on. Anyways he always talks about girls. I don't know if he does this to seem cool, make me jealous, or what. We're open about everything, we share porn, talk about our sex, talk about what we like and don't like. We have a lot in common, and I'm the girl that is basically one of the guys, which is why I think he talks to me about everything, including girls.

I like rock, video games, sports, sex, I don't take shit from people (maybe I'm a little intimidating), I hang with the dudes, I'm horny a lot, but he knows I'm not a slut because I only have sex with him. Sometimes he acts full of himself and other times he'll seem self-concious about how he looks.

He complains to me about being single but claims the only good part about being single is "doing anyone he wants." I find it hard to believe he's doing anyone other than me since I talk to him all the time. How often are guys full of shit and how far do they go to make a girl jealous? What is their motive?

I'm the cool chick who's easy going and doesn't put any pressure on him. But I'm scared to break it to him that I feel more for him than just friends because I don't want it to change our friendship if he doesn't return the feelings.

Updates

+1 y

I told him I loved him. His response was "I told you not to fall for me." Apparently I didn't take him seriously, eh? He asked if I wanted to slow down on the sex since I feel the way I do. I'm a dumb girl and I said no. I don't know what to do.

[BroadwayMistress]

First, OMG. My world is pretty small, I guess, but I'm surprised. But I'll put that aside to give you an answer.

Since you say you love him, I'm guessing he is a very good friend, though he sure doesn't sound like one to me. He talks about "doing anyone he wants" and you think he's not really doing anyone he wants. Why believe a guy who only sees one benefit to not dating - the sex? Just because you share porn and sex doesn't mean that he cares about you the same way. You say he can't be doing other people because you talk to him a lot? No. N-O. Talking is important, yeah, but if you aren't with him almost constantly, then he could easily be doing someone else.

I see from below that he doesn't think he'd be a good guy for you to date, and yet he comes to you more often now. From your question, it seems like you guys do each other every time you meet. Oh, you talk, and you play together. You say you are cool and don't put on any pressure.

To be blunt, I think this relationship you have with this guy is seriously f***ed up. He is so clearly only interested in you because you are the "girl that's practically one of the guys." You like the stuff he likes, so he doesn't have to talk about girly stuff with you. At the same time, you are clearly a girl, and you let him have sex with you. He sees no reason to be committed to you or your sexual relations because you're "cool". You don't expect anything more - not a date, not a proposal, no, what he thinks you want is just sex and a dude to hang with before and after.

Just by telling him you loved him, you threw his world out of whack. Now he knows you care for him -YOU are committed to HIM. When he said, "I told you not to fall for me," that should have proved to you that he fears commitment. He doesn't want to waste his time and money chaining himself to one woman, because he likes the free and irresponsible sex he gets with you now. He doesn't seem to understand what love means, either, since he asked if you wanted to slow down now. When you said no, you were saying, "I'll never betray you, I love doing this, and I could be cool with it for years and years" to him. Clearly, you don't want that. But that's what he thinks now.

You say you're the "cool chick". I say you need more self-respect. You don't want to give up the sex, whether for physical pleasure or because you love him. I'm no feminist, but the guy clearly only likes you for this passive quality and for your body. He is absolutely chock full of shit. And if you keep letting him have his way with you, hoping that one day he's start caring about the rest of your relationship, think again. This guy, as ap1100 said, is treating you like a whore, except he doesn't pay you.

Don't subject yourself to this any longer. This relationship is so unhealthy and bad for you it's like cancer. If you must continue having unrestrained sex, do it with a stranger with condoms. Never f*** this guy again. EVER. You always deserve better than this! DUMP HIM NOW

[Asker]

Thank you for the blunt honesty. It's what I need to hear. I've been trying to forget about him and I think it's fading, it's there but a little diminished feeling I try not to think about. And we haven't hung out in a month so far. It's for the best, I'm sure.

[BroadwayMistress]

That's great! Good for you. I'm glad my answer helped. :) Have a good day.

[Heather2008]

Hey I have been in you;'re exact posion. Also my best friend and I sarted out at FWb. which I didn't like too much but I thought well if we ahve sex then he'll like me and well date. come to find out that wasn't the propsition. he just wanted sex from someone he knew very well and trusted. My point of veiw looks like a realatioship. but h didn't. I told him I liked him he said well I can only see you as a friend. which hurt. because I mean I gave it away! my best advice stop doing it. trust me. I did, and I asked can we just ahng out like best friends. the first time we did just hang out I was soo happy. but it didn't last long...=(... so cut thing off completetly now we only talk over the phone. because I told myself I shouldn't have to do things for a guy just to get him to like me my body is a temple I deserve the best. and he wasn't it... just ask yourself.. Is it really worth sleepless nights because he doesn't like you? It may hurt at first stoppping and all but trust me in the end it ill be worht it I hope you take my experince to heart. I soon found a young man whom told me he didn't want sex in our realtionship. and it's great. I feel like he really likes me because of who I am.. and respects my decition to wait... I hope you do thesame. anyquestion feel free to ask! good Luck!

[Anonymous]

If you agreed to be friends with benefits then you're never going to get a commiment out of him!Sorry but to him you're just his f*** buddy! Pure and simple!He sees you as one of the guys but not his gf.He can talk about chicks with you and talk sports and still have the enjoyment of unattached sex.This is an unhealthy relationship especially if you are the one that wants more.Im guessing you probably secretly liked him from the start but were hoping he would come around.Well he's not going to and he never will.Lot of women do this in an attempt that the guy will come around but they usually dont.Instead they dump you until they find"the perfect girl" of their dreams and expect you to understand.Its sad and it happes all the time, but only if you let it continue to happen.Unfortunately you will end up being like Julia Roberts from"My Best Friends Wedding" watching him run off with another woman.Do you really want that?!My advice is to just move on.well I hope you have seeing that this was written 4 months ago.

[chrisF1979]

Mhh. ..tough one! Well it sounds like a good basis for a relationship. But he might not be ready for it. Perhaps he thjinks about it the same way you do and does`nt want to make your situation complicated. You should try to see what the future might bring. Imagine one of you would have sex with so. else. Would he be jealous? would you? In this case the whole thing you have might be ruined anyway, and in a way much worse as if you ask him how he feels about you now. If he is just your buddy who has sex with you, and doesn`t want to have a real relationship, You should perhaps consider not have sex with him regulary if you do love him otherwise you might get hurt. I` m NOT saying you should only have sex with people you truly love. But you should be on the same level! it`s eighter just sex for both of you or love for both.

[Asker]

It's complicated for me because I'm trying to figure out the game he's playing. Is he trying to test me, to see if I get jealous? I do feel jealousy when he talks about other girls, I just control it really well and I don't go crazy on him. He's a big time jealous one too and he admits he's a jealous type, if I talked the same way he did he'd go insane. Could he be trying to make me jealous because I come off as cool, layed back, and I control myself around him?

[sumina7]

Nothing good comes out of playing games. If you feel jealous, let him know and be upset. Be true to your feelings. not doing so would be dishonest and amount to game playing. Then you can not get honesty from the other person as well.

[chrisF1979]

Well if he`s getting jealous he is definitely feeling more for you then just friendship. Try talking to him, my girlfriend never was jealous so I used to tell her stuff like, " there is that one girl that fancys me..." but I was just joking around. so I was doing sort of the same like he does. Try to tell him that you feel like you are just one among many for him when he talks about other girls and that you consider you relationship as sth. more special then just friends with benefits. after what you said to madhatter I guess he wants more than this and will be happy you told him. And if he doesn`t he was just taking advantage of you anyway but I guess he really likes you. You sound like the ideal girlfriend anyway, so go ahed and tell him. Good luck!

[Asker]

Well I told him yesterday that I am inlove with him. It was at work because he hadn't been to my place in a week and I couldn't wait. He told me that he warned me I shouldn't fall for him. Reason he says that is because he told me he doesn't think he'd make a good Boyfriend (he told me this long before I told him I love him). So we're not together, but he is seeking me out more than usual so I don't know what to make of it.

[chrisF1979]

He would not make a good boyfriend? Does he mean he might go cheating on you? Well if he says sth. like that, he`s probably not in love with you. I´m sorry! Well you should consider not have sex with him anymore cause in the end it might hurt you. Unless, of course, it`s ok for you that he`s just a friend with benefits. But don`t give up hope, he might make up his mind about it. If he comes by more often then he used to it`s at least it`s a good sign. When I found out that girls were in love with me, and I did not feel the same, I always stayed away from them for a while to let things cool down a bit in order not to hurt them. If he still talks about other girls with you, that would be a bad sign!

[maddhatter]

wow.

that's hard. well, it sounds like you like him. if it bothers you, tell him.

i mean, yeah, it'll probably hurt and he'll probably tell you you're over reacting.

but it's better than suffering through. look at it this way: he treats you like one of the guys, right? well, he wouldn't (hopefully. lol) have sex with one of his guy friends...so he's either using you, trying to make you jealous.

[Asker]

I usually have a pretty good bullshit detector and mine goes off with him sometimes, mainly when he boasts about how great being single is because he can "do anyone he wants." I know he doesn't want to be single because he complains about how he's tired of it. He told me he wants someone who won't let him boss them around and is easy going and doesn't get jealous or crazy, which is basically how I am. Does it scare a guy if you tell em you love them, rather than just like?

[maddhatter]

If he's so tired of being single, then maybe he should consider not saying that he can do "anyone he wants" because chances are, he can't. it's good that you're laid back, but you have to be jealous. if you let him walk all over you, use you for sex and a good time, he'll keep on doing it. I wouldn't say, I love you, because he's probably not expecting it. I'd say I like you, but I don't want to one of the girls you can "do anytime you want".

[ap1100]

There are some guys who might violate this rule, but I generally think a guy who only uses you for sex will keep it that way. I'm a relationship kind of guy who wants a commitment and wants to be married, and I would be incapable of pulling the friends with benefits deal off. It's not how I operate. A man who loves a woman treats her well, not uses her like an unpaid whore.

[xkrisx]

he told you what to do...dont fall for him. its just FWB hun, sorry. slow down the sex so you stop falling harder for him