Why staying friends with your Ex won't work

Why friends with your Ex won't work

When he breaks up with you and says " we can still be friends". Trust me he does not actually mean it. Don't be that naive girl that believes that they can be an exception to the rule. Do not try and be friends with your ex. Attempting to be friends with your ex will only cause you so much pain and heart break time and time again.

When my ex told me 7 months ago that he still wanted me in his life and to still be friends, "because then we can have a person in our lives that cares about us and that isn't something to throw away" I believed him. I truly thought that this guy and I could remain in each others life's and be there for one another. But I was wrong. For a couple of months it worked, we spoke we chatted. Tried to make out like things were fine that things were good. His idea of friendship was treating me like I was one of the guys and telling me all about his dating life and how little I meant to him. It hurt to hear and you just have to pretend like it doesn't bother you at all.

I admit that I did become the crazy ex, something that I truly regret but I apologised for every single wrong doing that I made. We all make mistakes and love makes us do crazy and stupid things. My ex and I said goodbye to each other so many times. long heartfelt messages with little to nothing in return, but harsh words and reality checks. Then in a few weeks we would be talking to each other again, trying to put it all in the past as friends was what we wanted to be. The worse moment was when he told me that he met a girl and was dating her. The pain I felt was horrible. It was like my whole stomach had sunken inside of me, and you really do feel your heart break. It sounds like an exaggeration but trust me it's not. One of the worst parts is knowing that he won't feel this pain because he has already moved on and won't care when you move on too. Of course being his friend you must endure the pain of hearing all about her because that's what friends do. Being the ex you don't want to hear this. The only thing that you want to hear is that they miss you and made a mistake. But trust me it's not going to happen.Being friends with my ex has only made me a stronger person. To hear how happy your ex is without you and be told over and over again, its pretty tiring and hurtful.

My ex and I did meet up twice as friends, and the saddest moment is when you realise that they are not the same person. That you barely recognise them and can only catch a glimpse of who you were together once before. He can barely even look you in the eye and that will break your heart. And just when you think things are going well and you feel a connection again he will drop the new girlfriend card and tell you all about her as if he has to prove to you how happy he is.

You will be the only one fighting to keep him in your life, always initiating contact, asking him how he is, how's life, encouraging him to do well, and then when things are going well they will turn ugly. It's like he gets scared that he could possibly have a friendship with you and he will say something mean or hurtful to push you further away. Don't even think about him asking you how you are and what's happening in your life he couldn't care less, your his ex and he has his new girlfriend now to ask those questions to.

There will come a time when you just can't do it anymore. The day you realise that this friendship is not a friendship at all. You feel like a burden and realise that no relationship, friendship or not is like this. Your real friends, they care about you. They want to know what's going on with your life and they want to be there for you. What's your ex going to do when you barely even see him except tell you how perfect his new girlfriend is and how he no longer loves you anymore.

Walking away from your first love is so hard. You want to try everything in your power to fix the relationship and get it back to where it was. To make him love you again and look at you the way he did before when you were once his whole world. For months you imagine the day when he realises his new relationship was a mistake and how much you mean to him and the day he will ask you for the second chance that you know he really doesn't deserve. To receive that letter in the mail with the long apology for all the hurt he caused you during the break up. That day is never coming.

The sad truth is, you will never be friends.

When you do eventually decide to go your own ways and tell him it's for the best and that he will always have a piece of your heart, and that if he ever does miss and regret letting you go that he would at least reply with something heartfelt. Maybe If your lucky he may tell you how much you mean to him and that he misses you but he doesn't see a future with you. However my harsh reality was being told that he no longer loved me and that he will never wake up and miss me. He will never regret the things that he has said and done to me and the only reason that he continued to message was because he felt guilty to be the one to say we can't be friends. It's not a great way to leave such a special relationship, one that once meant so much to you and still does.

So trust me when I say, being friends with your ex is not a good idea. It only leads to you feeling hurt and broken hearted all over again. I don't miss my ex, I miss the boy that I met almost 4 years ago who stole my heart and was my once best friend.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • I actually now a few exceptions. What i advice is that the person entering a just friends relaitionship with the ex should first meditate about it, be honest with its own feelings, and promise to itself to go away from the friendship as soon as the behaviour of the other becomes toxic... By the way the other people dating is not a problem if you too are dating other people.

    It didn't work on your case, it doesn't mean in won't work ever. In this case, what obstaculized the friendship was mainly your ex's attitude. You revealed it when you said he wasn't doing what real friends do.

    Source: i actually dont have an ex, true that... But i'm friends with a girl who i fell in love thst didn't love me back the same way. It had hurt at times, but i was made stronger by it, the love turned into another kind of love. The thing is she is a supportvie person, the person i know who is the most free from toxicity.

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    • You are correct. If both people are mature about it and are considerate of the others feelings i believe it could then possibly work, but in my case it didn't. Until you can look at that person and not feel anything and know its truly over it is not fair to you or anyone involved to be friends

Most Helpful Girl

  • I live with an ex husband and I am married to another guy who i split up with. I get along good with my ex as a room mate, no sex. Right now, I'm not speaking to Ex husband #2 and probably we will not have friendship like me and this Ex.
    Everyone's situation is different.

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Join the discussion

What Guys Said 4

  • I couldn't agree with you more. There is a reason people split up and remaining "close" friends will not help either person get on with their life. Only caveat is if kids are in the equation.

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  • I'm actually friends with an ex and it works just fine.

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    • Then you were both extremely mature about it and didn't set out to hurt one another.

    • Doubt it. I believe we're both secretly being stalkers and keep taps on the other.

  • lmao been there done that, doesn't work. truetake.

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  • Two words, "Unfinished Business"

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What Girls Said 10

  • I share your feelings but I don't think it's like it for all.

    My boyfriend is friends with most of his exs (sadly in my eyes) but it seems to work for him. It upsets me but it's his business not mine. I've warned him before if he lets them take over me I'll be out the door before he hits send on the IM.

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    • Of course it's different for everybody. And i believed for 7 months that i could make friends work, but like I said, it takes a lot of maturity. It's hard. And for me it sadly didn't work. I'm not saying it won't work for some people but the majority of people say it won't work and I didn't want to believe them. I found out for myself the hard way.

    • Nope I agree. Personally I can't be friends with my ex. He hurt me too much, that bridge is forever burned

  • I only have the one ex and I'm still friends with her, though we weren't exactly compatible for dating in the first place though. (she was the first person to ever ask me out, I couldn't see the harm in saying yes)

    But I can see where so many people go wrong in thinking staying friends can be a good thing.

    Our only problem was, I like physical affection she. . . doesn't. At all.

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  • What you described was almost exactly what I experienced and it was so painful. He's not the same person and that's one of the hardest things about it. He rubbed things in my face, just to be spiteful, despite never doing him wrong, he was the one who broke us up, caused the trust issues etc.
    I miss the nerdy, ambitious guy who could do no wrong, that I fell in love with two years ago, not the arrogant, selfish, cruel, lying man-whore he's become. :(
    Love hurts. I wish I could avoid it forever.

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    • Samesies. I'd become a nun if I believed in god.

    • I feel your situation is the same as mine. And it hurts. You come to a point where your just like, you know what i don't deserve to be treated like this!! used as a door mat made to feel like nothing over and over again. With small glints of hope of him being the same guy you loved only to then be met with hostility and hurt. I hope that for your sake he regrets the way he treated you. I am hoping that one day my ex wakes up and realises that he was a horrible person to me and can at least admit and recognise it.

    • I'm hoping for the same thing. Lets hope it happens one day, even if it's in years to come.

  • i just want to add something if thats okay with you. as soon as you break up with someone you should break all contact. it really pisses me off when my boyfriend is friends with his ex. thats just not okay. its good for both partners to break all contact.

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    • thats a very valid point, you have to put myself into the other persons shoes and i know that i wouldn't want my boyfriend to be close with his ex. maybe if it was years later and we were both in relationships. By breaking the contact and gaining distance you also gain a lot of clarity.

  • Ok I disagree with this. I'm friends with all of my exes now and it's more than ok for both sides. After each of the break ups we always stopped the contact for several months but then it happened and we met each other somewhere again and decided we won't act as some strangers and became friends. I don't like any of them the way I used to, but I couldn't image not having them in my life anymore, because we were so close once. Now they even come to me when they need some girl advice when it comes to their girlfriends and I feel comfortable doing the same thing. I think you can be friends with your exes and it can work for sure, if both sides are clear about their feelings.

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    • It sounds like your exes have all been mature.
      I wish that I could write everything down, all the conversations that i had with my ex as friends and the way he would suddenly just flip and be mean and hurtful. buti can't because that would be a breach of his privacy.

  • I'm going through the same thing, bro. I get it. I feel ya. It's the worst.

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  • Just broke off our "friendship" today. I blocked everything before he could reply to my text too. Basically I told him I need to respect that space between broken up and completely over the other person... I can't be friends if I still have feelings. I care about him and I just hope he understands that too. But this is just the way I think I can handle it right now.

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    • you've done the right thing. If its meant to be then it will be. I truly believe that.

  • You can still be friends depending on why you broke up. Example 1: If you broke up because your partner was cheating on you, then it is not worth the friendship. They lied to you. They are not trustworthy. Example 2: If you broke up because there wasn't time for the relationship, that's understandable.

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  • I don't think I could ever be friends with my ex tho. Its like reminding me of the pain and hurt I felt.

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  • I won't work because there;s going to be a part of you still have feelings for

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