Why You Should Never Bash a Friend's Ex After a Breakup

[Anonymous]

A while back I had this friend. She had been dating this guy for a while, and she was just crazy about him. I never liked him. I thought he was an arrogant jackass and he treated her like shit. That was one woman's opinion.

Well at some point the two of them had a falling out. She got tired of his shit and broke up with him. I was so thrilled. When she told me about it, she sounded so fed up and ready to hate him and ready to verbally tear him a new one with me.

Which is exactly what we did. I told her I thought he was ugly and she was too good for him. That I thought he was emotionally abusive and I knew it'd never last. She told me he had a small dick and was bad in bed. It was exactly what she needed..

..until they got back together.

Which often happens in these situations. Relationships and breakups are complicated and unpredictable! Often times they involve a wide range of emotions you can't grasp outside the situation.

The thing is she loved him. And she didn't just stop loving him because they had a fight. I jumped the gun and I crossed a line. And the next week when they got back together, I had no longer shit talked her ex..I had shit talked her boyfriend. The man she loved.

Our friendship slowly fizzled from there. Our conversations became really cold and strained. She never outright said it, but she would make biting remarks drawing back to things I'd said about him. Eventually, we fell out of touch altogether.

And when all that happened I never understood why. Until I was put in the exact same position this week..except this time from my friends POV. And now I get it.

When you're in love with someone and it's real, you don't want to have it tainted by someone else's bitterness toward that person. And when that person doesn't fully support you in your relationship, the friendship turns toxic.

For even the most loving friendships, relationships are out of bounds. The heart wants what it wants and most of the time that's out of any of our control.

So the next time someone you care about is struggling in a relationship, just offer your love and understanding and keep the criticism to yourself..isn't that what being a good friend means, anyway?

[xobrowneyedbeauty]

i actually disagree. i think you feel this way because you've been in the situation where the breakup isn't actually the end. my ex boyfriend was a terrible boyfriend and treated me like shit and made me feel like shit. my family and friends didn't want to get involved - no one ever told me to dump him or that they didn't like him. occasionally i'd get comments like "i don't think he should make you feel like this" or other gentle hints like that. once it ended, everyone jumped on it. my family and friends were so happy things were done and told me how shitty he was. and even just people i know and am not that close with tell me how happy they are to see me happy with my new boyfriend now. my friends joined in talking shit about him right away, they didn't miss a beat. because they saw what he was doing to me, they saw how he made me feel. and that put them right in the middle of the relationship with every right to voice how they felt about him. so i guess if we got back together, it would be unfortunate that my friends said shitty stuff about him, but maybe it would make me notice it. and i really don't think that would cause us to end our friendship - there would have to be something much deeper going on where that was the straw that broke the camel's back.

[myTake Owner]

Supporting a friend in their decision is fine. Weighing in on something deeply personal that you can't fully comprehend is not. If you're trashing someone just because you dislike them, thats judgmental, unnecessary and often comes back to bite you in the ass.

Now obviouw exceptions are emotionally or physically abusive relationships. And the boyfriend you describe sounds emotionally abusive.

[xobrowneyedbeauty]

but you specifically said in yours that you told your friend that you thought her ex was emotionally abusive and you thought he was an arrogant jackass who treated her like shit.

[myTake Owner]

Not quite the same thing. My idea of trwating her like shit in that case was working long hours, not calling when he came hone late, not making her cum. There's a difference.

[xobrowneyedbeauty]

sure, but you said emotionally abusive. that's not acceptable regardless of what form it takes.

[myTake Owner]

I don't think she or I would think that he qualified as emotionally abusive. Just thoughtless

[xobrowneyedbeauty]

but you used the words emotionally abusive in your mytake

[myTake Owner]

Only because I was ranting to her.. he wasn't really bad looking either. I was just trying to make her hate him like I hated him. There were things he did that I didn't like tho.

[xobrowneyedbeauty]

ohhh so you weren't expressing real concerns, you were just saying things. that's a totally different situation, i guess i misinterpreted it. i agree then - shit talking and exaggerating isn't the best idea. but i do think it doesn't hurt to let your friend know you didn't like how he treated her, i think that's a good thing.

[Chief16]

Yeah, I hate it when friends ask friends to intervene, I'm like 'dude, its your shit, you deal with it, don't introduce your problems to the world.'
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[Dim_121]

Yea I learned the hard way that many women only want you to be their emotional tampon. They really don't want you to say or do anything when they complain. Just listen and agree about their social life.

[Anonymous]

m.quickmeme.com/.../...97ebff23b9b9ff7c85ec35e.jpg
My current girlfriend's former best friend managed to fuel the fire causing us to break up. Then she spread rumours to everyone that I was abusive and was beating her all the while keeping my girlfriend angry at me and manipulating her everytime we tried to reconciliate. Eventually I got pissed at my girlfriend and told her that I was moving on and dating other women, she said that was fine and she knew and that she wanted to remain friends but I was like I have enough friends.
Basically she came to her senses when her friend tried to set her up with a friend of her family who was like 20 years older and a complete alcoholic, she then realised that her friend just wanted to get her to move closer to her for free child care and acess to her car and as my girl doesn't drink a permanent designated driver. We eventually got back together but I had a few demands one being that she never bring her friend into our lives again. Fortunately she hadn't slept with anyone else during the break up as that would have been a deal breaker even though I had.

[Spiorad_Aisce]

Yes absolutely true - As I started read I knew what was going to happen at the end - Sometimes there is a skill to being a good friend - Listen, let them rant and hurl all the insults, respond in the neutral or say specific examples of behaviour are bad or good - Put yourself in your friend's shoes, when you are in full rant, you are letting off steam saying things off the top of your head - When asked for advice, give your view in a non judgmental way as input to the discussion in their head, let them put it all together and decide a course of action.
I was talking about something here yesterday, I can't remember exactly what it was but I remember quoting "Choose Your Battles Carefully".
It is definitely one of those situations where neither you or your friend was totally right or wrong just events conspired against your friendship. Pros of the whole thing since you wrote this take you learned something from the experience and will know better if or when a similar situation arises.

[PrettyBama]

This is such a dumb mentality. when my friends are shit talking their bfs and they're being dramatic I tell them. If he truly is a piece of shit. I agree and tell them. When they get back together I say "you're dumb ass hell for getting back together with him"' and from that point on if she complains about anything he does I say "but you're not gonna leave him alone so why complain" honesty and open communication is just as important in friendships as relationships.

[myTake Owner]

I personally think that's short sighted and judgmental. Honesty is important but I believe you should only offer criticism when you're qualified to do so. Relationships are complicated and rarely one sided.. it's hard to see whats right or wrong unless you're in them.

I think it's wise to maintain objectivity and often times that means keeping your opinions to yourself.. unless, of course, you can see that your friend is visibly in an abusive relationship (whether emotionally, physically, or both).

Learning to moderate your speech is a mark of maturity and is critical in maintaining harmonious interpersonal relationships.

[PrettyBama]

As a friend I'm qualified to tell her when her man treats her like shit and it's not hard to see what's wrong with relationships as a third party. That's completely false. I'm a human being and I understand when someone is being mistreated and taken advantage of.

I'm not always like "fuck him" if it's something than can be overlooked I tell her to do so but when it's a huge offense I'm gonna speak my mind and I expect her to do the same to me. And she does. And neither of us gets upset at the other.

I don't get back together with people that slight me. But she does and she never distances herself from me after I verbally dragged her man 😂 That's dumb as hell.

I moderate my speech when peoples futures, hearts, souls etc are not at stake.

[myTake Owner]

What you're talking about sounds like it could qualify as emotionally abusive. There's a line you need to learn how to toe in these situations

[PrettyBama]

It's not really emotional abuse. He just doesn't give a fuck about her and she can't comprehend that 😂

[Octavius]

I don't get why she blamed you though? She herself was talking shit about him too but she seems to just attribute it all to you. I think the friends should stick by each others sides on issues like this. If the girl was talking crap about her ex and then got back together those feelings don't just go away. They just die down when she's back in the honey moon phase. The bitter hatred for the guy will come pouring out again once they have another fight (which ALWAYS ALWAYS happens).

[myTake Owner]

They are still together tho! The difference between what she said and what I said... she knows hers were just emotionally charged and she didn't mean it. What I said was real

[Octavius]

Hmm even still. She felt those emotions about him. There's healthy being pissed at your lover like if you just say things like "He drives me nuts sometimes" or something similar where you aren't trashing who they are as a human being and then there's bad stuff and even if it's emotion driven they still felt that way about the person for whatever amount of time. I don't know the situation since I'm only reading your story so I'm by no means an expert on what's happening but a lot of the time people just crave affection and they don't care who it comes from and they'll run back to an ex because they know that person has given it to them before even if they aren't right for each other. Besides who you were between them being separated and them getting back together hasn't changed. Only she has but she acts like you changed into a monster when you're exactly the same person that she came to for support.

[Dim_121]

Women are strange that way. Even if you only agreed with them. They still blame you for thinking it back then.

[Anonymous]

The exact same thing has happened to me more than once. I lost my bff from high school like that. We haven't talked in years... Another friend just got married to her boyfriend she once broke up with... Now I tell my friends they should warn me beforehand not to talk behind their ex boyfriend's backs when they break up if they think it'll bother them later...

[LittleSally]

Hahaha Yeah... unless you know they are never going to be together again... then you can tell them the truth. I always do anyways. I can't stand lies.
If you ask me - I WILL tell you the truth.

[MikeGaultier]

The moral of this story? Don't burn the bridge until everyone is off.

[Dim_121]

or ask if they want you to burn it in the first place.

[OlderAndWiser]

That was a very wise insight for one so young! Congratulations on living a thoughtful life.

[fiego]

Great take... especially the part where you said "until they get back together"

[QuestionMan]

I'm actually quite the opposite. I want my friends to point out any flaws I may not notice in a girl since when I'm horny I don't think straight.

[Spermdumster666]

You should never take sides.

[Dim_121]

Said no educational cartoon ever. Most poeple have to learn that the hard way.

[iFarted]

Full of experience Abby, so much wisdom.

[PizzaGuy22]

I always hated her anyway

[ranachand]

Every one has his own will, not my bussines