Why I'm still not over my last relationship

Hi guys! Me again! I thought today was an appropriate time to really open up and admit something I've kept a secret for a long time: I'm still not over my last relationship. And it's been three years.

I'm not proud of it. I'm not happy like this, and I don't even know how it's possible. I only know writing about it is highly theraputic. Thanks for being patient! Hope you enjoy.

1. It was my first relationship.

You know the saying "you never quite get over your first relationship"?, that's turning into my tragic reality. Some people think the concept is sweet, but it really isn't.

Why I'm still not over my last relationship

2. I haven't been in love since.

This is probably the main reason why I'm not over him. If I found someone I could fall head over heels for, I would probably forget about missing him. I wish I could do that, but I haven't found anyone I like. In addition, I fell into the trap of comparing him to all the guys I meet.

3. There was no closure.

I was the one who called it quits. I did it because I was unknowingly suffering from severe anxiety, and I was seriously damaging the relationship and myself by not knowing how to deal with it. My parents didn't like him and constantly told me I would get pregnant if I kept on going. I couldn't deal with the stress, and I ended up impulsively deleting him from everything without giving him an explanation. The fact that there was no closure makes it even harder for me to accept that it's over.

Why I'm still not over my last relationship

4. When I see him in public, the excitement comes back.

We attend different schools, but I still see him (rarely, though) at times. When we see each other, he smiles and looks at me, and it all comes back. The tingly and warm feeling of excitement.

5. I don't know what he is up to.

This sounds creepy, but not knowing what kind of person he has become or what he is doing makes it harder for me to get over him. If I knew he had a new girlfriend, set plans for the future or is a completely different person I would know where I had him and I could move forward gracefully.

6. I'm generally not a very confident person.

Confidence is really important when getting into a relationship and leaving it. I had neither, and it burned me. Not having confidence after the breakup resulted in me not believing I would find anyone else and that I should hold onto him because he is the only one who will love me. Sad stuff?

Why I'm still not over my last relationship

- Bottom line -

I'm moving out for the first time in a few months and I'm starting a completely new life at college. I am ready to move on because it's been torture these last years. I think the best way to get over this is to officially leave my area where we grew up together and meet someone else. I am confident that I can do this!


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Most Helpful Guys

  • Leaving your area and meeting someone else is a band aid at best. What if it happens again? You just going to keep moving the rest of your life? Finding a purpose and a passion in your life where you spend most of your time is the best plan in my opinion.

    I always abide by the 80/20 rule. 80% on my purpose and passion and 20% on my friends, family and dating. Most do it backwards and when a break up occurs they have nothing left but to mourn a relationship that they put 80% of their life into with nothing else (purpose or passion) that is more or as important as that person was in their life. They basically have nothing. They were everything and that everything is now gone.

    You moving forward gracefully has nothing to with him and everything to do with you... your standards on how you should be treated and how others should never effect what your next move should be. People should have a purpose in life that anchors them. A man should never be your entire world... he should compliment the awesome world you already have. Work on that awesome world and allow them to be apart of it.. not the other way around.

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    • Give 💯... leave knowing I have give my best.
      Leave knowing I have gained knowledge/experience and a wonderful person who was a part of my life. Wish him well.

      Enjoy new experiences with new people, a new life. We don’t forget. We gain love through out journey.
      College life will be very diff. make it the best.! Be social!

    • Show All
    • That is the path to true love that you have to take some will work some will not but when it does work and you find the person you are destined to meet you forget about all the ones that didn't work it crap but that's life

    • Don't leave the area suck it up chin up bounce back and find that right person destiny and the universe will take care of it it may not take care of it at the time you want it too but it will happen waiting all my life and it's Delaney but you carry on and I'm nearly 60

  • 1. First relationships do suck.
    2. It only shows you have grown up and want something more than what the guys nowadays are providing.
    3. Sometimes there is no closure. Just hope that everything is fine and move on.
    4. You have put him on a pedestal. Put him down. Think of him as a normal human and you'll see his defects. You'll not be excited anymore.
    5. It doesn't matter.
    6. Girl, you're very beautiful!😍 If I was with you, I'll be confident that I am amazing to be with a beautiful girl such as yourself.
    7. All the best! I hope you find someone amazing.

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Most Helpful Girls

  • I think you owe each other an explanation on why you guys have to end... It is unfair for him to be ghosted just like that even if you (the dumper) left him. Yet you say he's your first. It's been three years yes but what you guys had real and that is why it hurts the most because it was true. You can never truly get over something that didn't end because there was no clear cut ending. Moving or meeting someone new may make you feel better at first but deep down, it is always going to hurt as the wound never heals. Before you do both, I suggest meet up with him and apologize for leaving the way you did. Feelings will be hurt, things will be said but at least, you can both move on separate ways afterwards...

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    • Thank you so much for the great answer! I have seriously considered talking to him, but we haven't talked since the breakup and I just don't know if this is an appropriate time... Also he blocked me when I ghosted him so he almost has to reach out. However my guy friend is one of his best friends and he told me that my ex still talks about me when they hang out and he doesn't hold any grudges anymore. I'm also waaay too shy and nervous to even mention meeting up and talking it out.

    • You see? Why should he reached out when you ghosted him? He blocked you because you left him mid air. It was just a reaction to your action. We do stupid things because of love and our self issues but we forget we are not only hurting ourselves but someone else. Put yourself in his shoes and think and feel what he felt and is still feeling... What do you think you'd do if you were him? He's no stranger to you and you to him as you guys had a relationship and a friendship. I wish you and him the best :)

  • Have you ever considered getting closure after all? Even though it's been 3 years. If you still have contact info on him, you could say something along the lines of 'hey, I know it's been years, but I sometimes still feel like I didn't end things properly. I would like to talk, to get things right after all. Would you be up for that?'

    You don't have to say you're still not over him, but you can say you're still uneasy about how things ended and would like to fix that part. Might give you closure.

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  • 3yrs is too long to be suspended. I think leaving will help remove it from your mind so you focus on other things, but unfortunately the underlying emotions from childhood that drove those confidence issues and the emotional issues in this... shame, guilt, regret, detatchment, suffering the loss, are there in the mind and body and will screw you again unless they are dealt with. the emotions are what is in control... running to a new place won't free you from those. That relationship was about healing your heart in the first place so you can love, so that is where the focus should be.

    You need help processing your feelings, putting this relationship into perspective, and gaining the value from it. A therapist and maybe hypnosis.

    The first love may never go away fully but you can put it in it's place so you have space for someone else.

    here's my fav songs about this, although they don't help you get past it.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wGSrv1GnXMMhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xqrn2q3WCS8

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  • Yes it's painful it took me over a decade to get over my broken marriage and 17 years later there's still a little bit of it left not much I must admit but there is still a little bit there but I'm so glad I'm out of it that gives me comfort and reassurance and I don't think you're going to find the answers to your question which is a how to get over relationship , i you get over her last relationship it's really tough man I've been divorced 17 years and I'm still not really over it is still a little bit there not a great deal because I'm so glad I'm out of that relationship but there is still a little hurt and troublesome feelings from time to time but you know I've met other people since and they help me to get over it I'm afraid I can only cliche you stay positive stay strong believe in yourself know your value and go on move onward and upward I'm sorry that only words but you really have got to do it in your own way and there isn't a magic answer it's painful it's debilitating and a mother to get over it sorry I can't offer you a magic answer just the underlying tone of my messages it takes time you will get over it but no one can wake and wave a magic wand including yourself and get over it only to do the adviser said up there which many other people I'm sure he's going to say but it's good good advice

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  • You sound like the kind of person who easily has anxiety and cares more about other's well being than yours. Also, I noticed in quite a few of your questions and takes that you tend to be a very anxious person. If talking about it can help you, feel free to PM me.

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  • oh babe, been there done that. you're doing better than me because mine lasted 7 years. Not all my fault though, he would pull me back into his life off ad on for that time, but I allowed it. I loved him he knew it took advantage and I felt if I kept showing him love he would realize what we had was real. WRONG! He ultimately told me he felt he didn't deserve another chance after the way he treated me. In truth he didn't. What really happened, he wanted me back but was afraid of me getting revenge on him for all the shenanigans he pulled while trying to figure things out. It was his loss and he ended up in an unhappy marriage with a child he couldn't stand and paying mad child support. My advice is two fold, don't do what I did. When a person shows you who they really are believe them and protect yourself accordingly. 2. Only you know when you're done decide it for yourself by yourself, because if you don't you'll never have the closure you really need to close that chapter ad move on without extra unnecessary baggage. Good luck baby girl. Relationships can be tough at times don't let this get you down. best way to get over a guy is to get 'under' a new one lol Someone told me that once. ;-)

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  • Good luck! My advice is another great way to get over it is to focus on developing yourself (rather than trying to find someone to "fill the hole"). It's also good for you since you will learn new things, reach new goals and become a better version of yourself. I'm talking about taking those college classes, focusing on your exercise or sports, diet, learning a language, reading some books, that sort of thing.

    Hope you fall in love with yourself!

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  • Simple

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    • The grass is greener where you water it.

      Relationship is similar to building a house. If something is wrong, you do not just throw the house away. You fix it.

      Accept your mistake, be accountable for it. You made a mistake, you regret it so now move on while learning the lessons.

      Relationship with ur ex is like torn paper not matter what you do, you cannot restore it. Find a new sheet of paper but try not to tear it up.

  • I can relate to a lot of this. I had a hard time getting over my first relationship for a long time, even though it was a terrible relationship. The confidence issue is at the root of it for me as well. I've had other relationships since then, so I'm completely over her and haven't been in contact for three years anyway. But still, the saying that you never forget your first relationship is 100% true.

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  • I feel like I wrote this Take except I haven't physically seen nor heard from my ex in about two years. I hate him with a fire red. The main reason I'm not over it is because I don't have someone else and he was the one in the wrong during the relationship, yet I feel like I still messed up.

    It's weird. Don't want his ass, but I still want to know what his ass is doing lol

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  • Well, what stops you from talking to him now about it? He will feel better too.

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    • I really want to and I think he does too, he will come to my bus stop (I know it`s just to see me because he can easily take the train which is closer and faster) and that only indicates that he must be interested in at least talking again... I just don`t know how to approach it. He has blocked me from when we broke up, but we have mutual friends... still it feels so weird and random

    • Just drop something by "accident" when the bus is almost there or something like that. Or just say "Hi, how are you doing?", apologise for acting like you did and exaplain some things to him.

  • I was on the same, in fact, I still have feelings for her, and we do stay in contact. We broke up 2 years ago, and I've learned so far that you can't deposit all your joy in 1 soul that's not your own. Life is too short, and no, I don't want to start a new lationship. First, you gotta learn to be by your own before been ready to share your life with someone else.

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  • You broke it off why can’t you ask him out again? Tell him you think about him a lot and the reasons why you left. Usually the person who is suffering is the one who got dumped. Don’t feel bad about it being 3 years you never realize the space they held in your life until they’re gone and your whole life seems like a hollow pointless shell just drifting aimlessly through space-time. It’s what makes love precious because it’s very rare for some people.

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  • You're an attractive girl, you shouldn't have any problems finding that new guy you will fall head over heels for

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  • You can't get happiness from one individual. You must first love yourself truly to fully embrace being able love. If you don't love yourself, you can't love anyone else. By being successful in your goals, your life and vision. You will meet plenty of amazing people. Never change anyone. Men will chase you for being smart, successful woman. Love is something admire. By starting to live on your own you did awesome. Keep up the good work. Don't like goofs ruin your life and dreams. You are amazing.

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  • If you truly loved someone you never 'get over' that. It stays with you for your life. You replace old memories with new ones - and why you go on with your life, but the old memories don't just disappear. Trust me, BTDT got the t-shirt.

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  • I think love is fondness grown with time as we live closer to someone, take example of parents we all love them but as time moves their value decreases gradually as we start to live away from them with our partner.
    so your decision is good. listen be greedy of yourself those who don't like you mean nothing to you , you are your own proud etc.

    so good luck.

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  • If there's no closure, why not talk to him now and officially end it. Also your parents sound like my parents, why do they worry that you get pregnant? shouldn't young people learn how to use protection sooner rather than later...

    I enjoyed reading this, intially I skipped most of it until "The tingly and warm feeling of excitement" 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔 I had to reread the whole thing again to check if I missed anything interesting. What you described sounds like me when I'm very horny, maybe that's the problem. Yup there will be more dicks in college 😉. Thanks for keeping it short and to the point. I think I'm over my ex, but she wasn't my first love, I never dated my first love.

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    • Great advice... I have considered reaching out but I can't because I am still blocked and I feel like the near future is not the appropriate time to talk about it. Still, I think we should but I'm nervous...

    • lol you're still blocked 😂😂😂 okay next time go to his school, wait until he shows up, walk to him, greet him, and tell him you're sorry for ghosting him, tell him the reason you couldn't date him and why your relationship had to end. Ask him how he is doing and if he wants to talk some time :) let's hope nothing will go wrong in the process

  • Saying “Because it was your first relationship” is like questioning rather to go back to breast milk because it was your first food/drink. First doesn’t always mean it’s the best.

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  • You need to see someone because this is bad. 3 years for this is really bad. I can see 6 months if it was a long term casual thing 9 months to a year if it was long term serious at most. But honestly it sounds like half of the issue is you dont want to let go. So please go seek professional help

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  • I’m gonna sound like an ass but you really do need to get over it. Pining over what you don’t have is unhealthy.

    Your ex is not the sun, moon, and the stars. Your ex is a human with human flaws. On of many creatures inhabiting the planet.

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  • Your past will eventually come back to bite you in the ass if you don't confront it. It sounds like you need to talk to him about it, get some closure, then you can finally move on

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  • Please just don’t drink and Drake ok all jokes aside you deserve better ok you need to find value in yourself first don’t worry if it takes long it will be worth ok

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  • Maybe there are old scars that haven't had the time to heal. True love never runs smooth. For every knock there is a high.

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  • If you didn't make a mistake you have no reason to feel that way and need to work on rationalising your mind.
    If you did make a mistake you need to resolve your personal problems and stop offloading them onto others in the hopes they will solve them for you (or pay a therapist to solve them for you, the point is you don't get it free).

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  • Well never do this again, never hurt a guy who loved you without a reason, at least you should of appologized and gave him an explanation...

    You cannot play with someone's feelings, sucj leaving anytime you want and coming back anytime you want...

    I hope your future relatipnship will be the opposite of this one and yes i agree with you that no one will makes you forget your 1st relationship except a new man who enters your heart and hopefully he will be the last by marrying you...

    About your parents saying that you will end up pregnant, no need for this to happen since there are a lot odmf girls who will only have sex after marriage...

    I myself prefer to have sex after marriage...

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  • I absolutely relate to each of your points. I too experience as you do. And still do

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  • What really helped me is just thinking realistically about him and what were his not so good sides. If you can't think of any, maybe meeting up again might be helpful, although I do believe there is always something you didn't quite like. Something small as 'he didn't hang up the toilet paper correctly' or something. You will get over it one day.
    Also remove him from EVERYTHING. Unless you want to get closure one day, you have to remove all him social media accounts and just remove him from your sight.
    Other than that, how is your life right now? Maybe because your life is a bit crappy right now, you also crave for love. Improve your life. Get a hobby, study, grow, workout, make friends, travel etc. Convince yourself you can be happy without a guy.
    Also, try to look at other guys, get flirty etc. I know you might not be attracted to anyone right now except him, but you will see that there are some amazing people out there except for him.

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  • I feel you 💔 I’ve liked a friendship for five years but he doesn’t like me and people tell me to stay away from him but he’s literally my happiness

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  • I just got out of a 6 year relationship and it hurts but need to move on. I would like to chat as it seems like we have a bit in common. U seem like fun.. text me - five87 eight 91 eight6eight9

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  • Love your story. A lot of your details are even like what I've been through myself. Having no closure can be devastating for the person who has no idea why the other let them go. Even if your parents wanted you to cut it off with him, you should've briefly told him in private that things just can't work out.

    I too have been through that place of wanting to know what's new with her, what is she doing now, is she still with the other guy, and I've even gone on her Facebook page with a different account to see her new posts. You're constantly stuck in wonder, which in itself can be painful.

    Leaving my area and seeing if I can meet someone new somewhere else has also been a thought for me at times too. Sometimes it hurts to be at the mall and think about how she and I ate there, or being on that side of town where we would spend time together.

    Again, great Take. I can really feel your heart in this.

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  • Some people have a hard time moving on. Maybe you are not over him because you regret that it ended.

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  • I've lost my love. My love has died - 2 February 2015

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  • Ok that’s pretty bad. Three years and you are still hung up on some guy. Maybe get some help.

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  • 6d

    Just move on. There will be plenty of other opportunities for new relationships. That is the exciting part!

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  • You said it all with "I'm moving out for the first time" I question whether you will actually do those other endeavors..

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  • I'm over mine, but if I saw him, I would either run the other way or beat his ass

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  • He'll always be the one that got away if you don't get closure.

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  • You just need to find another man who is gonna treat you right

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  • have you ever considered seeking closure?

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    • it's not an instant fix but i think talking to him and explaining why you did what you did will help you move forward. i imagine a bit part is a sense of guilt that you liked him so much and effectively ghosted him

  • If you r not over.. Then u go under him again.

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  • I am over seeing your post in my feed though

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  • Nobody cares

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  • God bless you PM i can help you

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  • Was he your first love

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  • Get over it

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  • Thanks for sharing your experience!

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  • Because, you lie.

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  • you're a young kid. give it time junior

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  • Crazy,...

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  • Good.

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  • The solution is to become a lesbian.

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