In my past relationship, I had so many insecurities. I disliked his past and the risky behaviours he had taken when he was single. I projected my dislike to him and it caused a big strain on my mental health and relationship. I genuinely believed that the insecurities were a “me problem” and in some sense they were. However, I failed to recognise that he was a trigger for those feelings. I have only come to the realisation now that he also played a part which I failed to see because of my rose coloured glasses. I blamed my past traumas for the way I felt in my relationship but that was not the case.
I have a past just as everybody else does. I just did not know why I couldn’t accept his. I blamed it all on myself and thought I suffered from “Retroactive Jealousy”. He had been with a lot of girls for his age and he wasn’t a stranger to SW’s. Naturally, no human being would be a fan of a past like this but as a human being, you learn to accept and move on from hearing of your S/Os past. I couldn’t accept it and didn’t understand why, until I got out of the relationship.
Looking back to how me and him began, we had a wonderful first date. I did feel an easy going connection with him. We went for a meal and an activity. However, as the night progressed we decided to go to a bar. This is when things started to take a turn. On our way to the bar, he had asked me if I wanted to go to a hotel, to which I declined. This was a red flag but something that I looked past. He did ask a few more times on the search for a bar, but I kept declining. When we arrived at a hot spot for bars, a girl from his past bumped into us. This situation took a turn for the worst and ended in a huge argument with me and him going up against the girl and her friends. We didn’t end up going to the bar. Well, eventually I decided to head home because all the bars were shut and as I said, the night took a turn for the worst. Well, after that night, I wasn’t planning on seeing him again. However, I ended up changing my mind. From there, our connection grew. Although there was a connection that grew into love, there were a series of eyebrow raising events that would occasionally pop up. A while after knowing him, he had told me, that the same night the argument happened, he bumped into a different girl he had known from his past. Furthermore, there were other situations later on that occurred, such as girls from his past contacting him. Although he chose to cut off those connections for the sake of the relationship - they didn’t change the fact that they were red flags. Especially because they happened in the early days and far too much. We had a connection but these red flags were an enemy of it.
Reflecting on how my relationship began, it helped me understand that it wasn’t necessary down to my past traumas but instead it was his past that interfered with our connection. It’s easy to say “let the past be the past” but when it literally interferes with your present, it’s hard to let go of. Having a brawl on your first date, to him coincidentally bumping into another girl from his past on the first date, were huge red flags. Him still having old flames calling was a red flag. There were a lot of other red flags that also occurred that I will not be mentioning. I realised that I wasn’t necessarily the only problem in the relationship, as his past was showing up when we were first dating. Now that’s a problem, because it was repetitive. Some things are out of our control but for it to be a recurring thing is quite strange and not worth the risk. Well, it’s the end now and I have realised that if I had chose to not ignore those red flags, I wouldn’t be here right now, reflecting on a failed relationship.
I can conclude to say, I should have cut him off as soon as the red flags became a pattern and that is how the blame falls on me. However, I was blinded by rose coloured glasses. I thought my insecurities were because of past traumas and wounds but really, it was because I was with somebody that presented red flags to me that I chose to ignore. People might find it silly that I stayed but hey, you live and you learn! Although those red flags occurred, I did fall in love with him and ended up being with him for about a year and a half. The relationship taught me so many things. So despite it being the end now, I’m grateful for the time I had with him. I’m glad it is over now and the stress I once had is gone. I can now be easy on myself and start to recognise people for who they are, rather than brushing it off and assuming it’s a “me problem”.
What realisation did you have after your relationship ended?
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