I thought I was over him

Anonymous

Maybe I was over him a little, I would say that I had at least successfully distracted myself. All the pictures I ever had of him are gone. We never had a song, though I still enjoy listening to the music he introduced me to, but I don’t indulge in that too often.

What I thought wed be doing this summer - travel to France together [not France pictured]
What I thought we'd be doing this summer - travel to France together [not France pictured]

Not eating

My eating disorder has gotten worse; I no longer have an incentive to be better, to take care of myself.
Him telling me that my religious beliefs are extreme, that my way of living is crazy fanatic and that I need to get away from my family hurt me more than I can put into words.

What I miss

I loved how he was the first guy I met who never gave me the feeling that he wanted me to slow down. He never said anything like him wanting me to chill, to take a break etc. All he said was that he wished I didn’t rush/force things with my education/career. I’ve grown to be quite ambitious over the years, I’m done with settling for less than I can achieve. He always called me a boss babe for that reason.
He’s the only one I felt like talking to. The only one I opened up to about my struggles with depression, eating disorders, self harm, self improvement and body dysmorphia. The only one I felt like kissing despite knowing that he has a LOT of experience, which usually is a huge turnoff for me.

His political views disgust me

I loved who I thought he was, and I remember how he sent me pictures of something remotely folklore (hard to explain but it may be comparable to celebrating the civil war) in the early stages of our friendship, maybe three years ago. This should have hinted at his political views - he’s fairly patriotic and never understood why I’m not as in touch with my country as he is with his. I was shocked to find he didn’t see the bad side of his country’s customs (which are similar to my country’s). He loves the military, I’m a pacifist. He supports compulsory military training and had very conservative views on some topics while not respecting my choice to remain a virgin until after marriage. He doesn’t see anything bad with his views of the world but always criticised mine.

I want to move on

I wish I could move on, I wish I could say that I don’t care, but I do. I’m not over him. I have nightmares again, I can’t sleep, I try to focus on school but get annoyed easily because there’s no point in people talking to me. They’re not him, they can’t help, they’re boring, there’s no point. They won’t laugh when I say „Agglo is aggro today“, instead, they’ll mock me because my dialect is different than theirs. With him, I felt safe. Like I could say anything I wanted without being judged.
I see all my issues with my family and want to scream due to the frustration I’m feeling. I need him more than I’ve ever needed him, and I know that I have to forget he ever existed, because if I don’t, I’ll move to his city, and I’ll walk through each and every corner of it until I find his apartment. Just to know where he lives. Not because I’m a stalker, but because I still cannot believe that he’s real. It would bring me peace to know he actually exists. At the same time, he’s hurt me so much that it would also be a relief to find out he’s just a video game character, someone not real, someone purely fictional.

Im only realising now that I loved him.
I'm only realising now that I loved him.

What wasn't so great

I’ll never forget the good things he said about me, but I still cry when I remember all the bad, dark things he texted me. I’ll never forget asking my friends what he meant when he said „you’re an ungrateful piece of meat“ and them looking at me with an expression of horror and judging me more than they ever did before that. I’ll never forget them telling me individually „You know, we don’t ship you as a couple, right?“. Yeah, he insulted me, but he has major mental health issues and still helped me more times than I can count. I don’t know why I’m still justifying his numerous hurtful comments that accumulated over the years. He asked me to delete his text messages more than once, sometimes I did, sometimes I didn’t, and once I deleted each message he no longer wanted me to have by hand because I wanted to keep the newer ones (which he was okay with), and I cried for an hour while going through these old messages. I didn’t get how a single person could be so cruel. I still don’t understand it if I’m honest, I’m heartbroken over his behaviour.

I thought we were meant for each other on a whole other level. He’s everything I hate and I still loved him. I’m everything he never thought he’d come close to, yet he loved me too at some point. It’s a pity that I was born after 2000, that I didn’t grow up near him, that I couldn’t prevent him from falling for someone who died in a car crash. It hurts me personally that he’s lost more than ten friends in the time I’ve known him in unfortunate events that had nothing to do with drugs of any kind. They died in car crashs.

I thought I was over him

Where I am today

As I’m writing this, I wish I could cry, but I can’t. I’m ashamed because I texted him three days ago, thinking he’d be able to help me with a very large problem of mine. And he did. But I had promised him I wouldn’t text him anymore. He said that he didn’t want to go through „this“ again, that we never knew each other, that I should move on and that he’d stay away from me. I thought he’d be the one for me. I’ll never get why I fell for him, I don’t even find him attractive, but his soul has this huge potential to be beautiful and I decided to see this instead of looking at everything else, all of the negative things.
Sometimes, he’d tell me all the right things in that moment, and sometimes, he’d almost break me.

Could be me
Could be me

I miss him more than I can say

I find myself staring at the ceiling, thinking about how in my short life, I’ve never met anyone quite as depressed and interesting as him. I can’t stop thinking about how I’d have loved to discuss Nietzsche with him, how there’s so much I would have loved to show him, how I would have bought boots with heels to tower over him for him to be able to bury his face in my boobs, and how I’ll never be able to show him anything of the world I live in now. I would have loved to meet his parents, something I never expected to happen, but still would have happened eventually. Seeing where he grew up, in one of the most beautiful towns that get a lot of media attention too in my area.

I’ll never forget how I was the first person he opened up to about hating his name. I never used his real name with him, despite secretly loving it. When my friends catch me looking at the sky, losing all facial expression or frowning in general for no reason, they either let me be or ask me whether I’m thinking of him. But they don’t use his real name, and it hurts me, because the fake name he preferred over his real name starts with the same letter as mine.

Fate?

I don’t believe in destiny, I don’t believe in zodiac signs, but I believed that our connection was real and that it meant something.
Now I’m here, 18 years old, having known this guy who’s 8 years older than me for 3 years and I know that I’ll probably never meet anyone who I care about as much as him. Sometime I’ll open up to someone else as much as I opened up to him. But it won’t be the same. It won’t feel the same. Maybe it’ll be better, probably it will be different, probably not in a good way.

I wish I cared less.
I wish I cared less.

I'm a mess.

I have a new hobby now: I climb mountains nobody else climbs to cry at the top. Because everything reminds me of him, because I’m still not done hoping he’ll text me he’s in my city, because I can’t seem to forget him.

I wish he texted me to tell me he’s okay. I wish I could unfollow his brother in social media. I wish I didn’t get twitter solely for distracting myself from him.

One day, I’ll be okay again, one day, I’ll be over him too.

I thought I was over him
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Most Helpful Girl

  • I think you summed it up when you said his soul had potential. We can so easily fall in love with a person and ignore their faults large and small because of their perceived potential. You say your disorder improved due to him but you’re giving him too much credit. You did that... you put more value and effort into yourself and you can and should do that every day regardless of him or any man or person for that matter. You miss him because he was a bad habit and because possibly because you don’t know what love actually is or should be. It’s not someone using cruel words or phrases. Nor is it it supposed to be all encompassing. It does feel like your world has ended and you’ll never meet anyone like him again... hopefully you won’t... you’ll meet someone better. Who will love you for you and respect your opinions
    Is this still revelant?

Most Helpful Guy

  • Shamalien
    Ditch social media completely in my opinion, you won't be able to fully connect again until you let go of this guy. He had many problems of cognitive dissonance from what you say, not respecting your choice to remain a virgin but simultaneously being for traditional values. Did you manage to keep your virginity?
    Is this still revelant?
    • Anonymous

      Of course I did. We never met in person, I figured that we would this summer, but that didn't happen. My virginity has nothing to do with other men to be honest - it's a choice I've made.

    • Shamalien

      Yeah its a choice you made and it affects your future and the men in that future greatly

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What Girls & Guys Said

719
  • “My eating disorder has gotten worse; I no longer have an incentive to be better, to take care of myself.” As long as someone else is your incentive, your world will be unstable. Apparently, self-esteem is a problem. YOU should be your incentive.

    “Him telling me that my religious beliefs are extreme, that my way of living is crazy fanatic and that I need to get away from my family hurt me more than I can put into words.” Did it hurt because it felt like a personal attack or did it hurt because you think his statements were true?

    Halfway in, you give us a clue that this was a long distance relationship. Then, you reveal – indirectly – that you have never met him. And you add, “I thought we were meant for each other on a whole other level.”

    “Now I’m here, 18 years old, having known this guy who’s 8 years older than me for 3 years. . .” So you started this when you were 15 and he was 23.

    What you had was a fantasy relationship with someone who sounds like a predator. And this hurt has been self-inflicted.

    Have you been in therapy?
    • Anonymous

      I have.
      I wrote this to get it off of my chest. There's really no reason for you to judge me for my actions, I have a wrecked family and that guy helped me, of course the relationship was never real.
      Have you ever read poetry? Do you always get it? Because sometimes, things are phrased in ways that make you understand a deeper meaning only upon reading the poem several times.
      I really liked this guy and I think I loved him. For the first time, I felt like an adult, and when I made a move on him - three years after he had made a move on me - he wasn't interested anymore.

      When I broke down and told him something that had happened in my family after we had already broken off all the bridges we had built in three years, he offered to lend me money. I thought he was joking but he was trying to offer me a better future.
      I don't think you'll get what sickos like us share, but that's fine, we were fine and it's over.
      That's what this was about.
      I'm successful without him but life is more gray now.

    • Anonymous

      I also have a history with self harm. That I stayed in a friend-/relationship this toxic for this long isn't a surprise to me, nor would it be to someone who knows me well.
      It is the way it is.

  • blutwolfe
    sometimes it takes a broken heart to realize what love is, you get comfortable and take it for granted until it breaks you, then the person you are decides what to do to move forward.

    You can't ever forget, you'll probably hold grudges. All you can do is move on and hope life turns around, start a new chapter in your book. It took me awhile to turn things around and I couldn't do it alone either.
  • kibbenkat
    Sometimes, once your out of a relationship, people have a tendency to focus on the pros rather than the cons of the relationship.
    The pros may feel like they outweigh the cons, however please think about the cons. One day, you’ll be able to find someone that doesn’t do anything that bothers you like that.
  • MementoMori_
    I thought I was over her too. But every month I get that bill for the ring and realize I'm not going to be that lucky for a long long time.

    It's hard to forget a girl when you buy her a gift on credit!
  • gamer0000
    Alain de botton on love. Look it up on youtube. I hope it helps you :) i too am in a state almost the same as you. Maybe i am in it right now but it's better not to dwell on it too much
  • newkinkboy1818
    He's lost 10 friends in car accidents in 3 years? that's one death every 4 months to car accidents? You have never met this gentleman?
    • Anonymous

      No, six of them were killed in one incident when on holiday in Sweden. I triple checked this, he didn't make it up. Two of his friends died in the same car crash (they were drunk) and the other two died from prolonged illnesses.

  • yellowmgtiger
    Loss of any kind is hard to adjust to. But you need to move on. The relationship sounds like it was dustructive and demining to you almost to the point of controlling your mind and believes. Be true. To yourself. Use the strength you have to sort you belive in yourself not an emotional crutch. You can get past this
  • Aiko_E_Lara
    That's because you're try to forget instead of facing reality that he is gone because if you try to forget then chances are you will snap and break down once there is something that will remind you of him.
  • Screenwriter
    Go see a counselor to get you through this grieving process. It'll help you enormously. Good luck.
  • Clary4
    I CAN'T BELIEVE SOMEBODY ACTUALY like me "love someone for about 3 years without meeting him" hey sis, i think u can't unfoll his brother cause u feel like to and it doesn't effect him or you directly , I m sorry I can give u any good or meaningfull advice but one things I know u should get a boy that respect u and listen to your principle LOVE YOURSELF , I know that hate and love relationship somehow addicting , I hope U found someone that lov u , adore you, grew with you (mentaly ), respect you ;)
  • lightbulb27
    I could write you a book on what you just wrote. Yes, you will eventually understand what happened. This was sick love. you met him at 15 and he was over age, this was not right on his part.

    I understand attraction quite well... there's a reason for this draw. I suggest you seek a counselor to talk further, that you learn about yourself and do some introspection.

    yes you will love again, I hope it is after you heal and grow. it may never feel the same and that is a good thing, this was a sick love.

    I'll say it simply as this... attraction is familiarity... there was something about him familiar.
    As well, opposites draw... you may be the caregiver and he the sick one. it feels good to you, but he would likely tear you down for that is who he is, and what he has to give. Thsi was not a good, love relationship.

    Somehow, he had enough sense to stay away, and that is your saving grace.
  • Katerina_Belle
    You won’t be sad forever.

    Just remember that xx
  • krisallen
    I know the feeling I keep a small lock box with all the stuff that sentamentle I struggle letting go of good things in life cos I manige to lose what's healthy for me or my be I'm just unhealthy for her I should of been better before I met her =(
  • TheAceholeSupreme666
    This too, like all else, shall pass.
    Life goes on regardless.
  • Gedaria
    Sorry it's never over. Even if they die , they are still there...
  • Piteka5
    I'm very sorry to hear how you still suffer, conflicting values are very problematic in relations, I also experienced that. But, you know it didn't work, for good or bad it was a joy but also a test to your strength, and you kept faithful to yourself while he kept faithful to himself. There's nothing wrong in that.
    You know it didn't work and in these cases it probably will not work if you try again, doing that will only hurt you.
    Try to acknowledge the good and the bad, and think to yourself, "I can still work on myself, even when I'm alone, and now I'm more aware of what to look for in a partner".
    I really hope you get better, and maybe I would advise you to talk with a therapist, having a long conversation with someone that is unbiased and cares about you can make wonders.
    I wish you the best, and if you need to talk, feel free to message me if want
  • Laozi
    Nice.
  • vxlsir
    I can feel your pain
  • Zoi02
    Nice take.
  • SecretGardenBlood65
    Good take
    • Inbox

      GOOD TAKE

    • Anonymous

      @Inbox Thank you

  • donxx
    Where is he and you from?
    • Anonymous

      Europe

    • donxx

      Whih countries

    • Anonymous

      I don't feel comfortable sharing this information.

    • Show All
  • Silence00
    Then make memoir of your lover.
  • Alex_988_2
    umm ok but why are you telling us?
  • StevenCruz
    Hey can u add me i want to ask you something
    • Anonymous

      What do you want to ask me?

  • username4h
    Very beautiful story
  • Anonymous
    I’m in a similar situation :(
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