He completely broke me down to nothing. How to move on?

Question

He was so into me for 3 months, even met a member from my family and they became cool. As soon as his ex came back who had destroyed him and cheated, he took her back. Then said to me he never had feelings for me which is a lie because I knew he did and 2 others told me he was borderline in love with me. I just don't understand why he would hurt me so bad and then lie about his feelings to my face. 

Now I've met someone new, but it's so hard to move on from that. Everytime I think about it, it hurts. Having someone you're positive you'll have a great relationship with, then they want to maintain the close friendship where we tell each other everything and buy gifts for one another, but you can't even tell me you had any feelings? Are you kidding me?

bobair · Accepted Answer

You can never really know what motivates someone to lie or cheat or be a dick face. His actions and decisions stem from a lifetime of experiences that are unique to him and that make sense to him.

How he treated you, and how you interpret that treatment, isn't your fault... but it IS your responsibility.

How you move on, or don't move on, is on you. It's not your job to fix him, or to understand him. Nor is it your responsibility to make him accountable. Your only responsibility in life is you.

It's also completely unfair for you to be dating someone new when you're still wrapped up with an ex in your head. What if this next guy you meet is completely into you and all he's getting is half of your attention because you're stuck in your own head?

It's your responsibility to heal these past dating traumas before you open yourself up to someone new, at least in my opinion.

Fretting about some ex who wasn't worth your time only gives him more power and encourages you to feel sorry for yourself.

I've heard of this type of thinking as "looping" ... this is where you sit and think about the same things over and over again without every developing resolution. It's a type of mental masterbation.

You deserve to heal and move on and that requires you to let go.

Give yourself permission to still have feelings for this asshole. It's okay that you wanted him and that you wanted more than he wanted to give. It's okay!

But it's not okay to continue to wallow in the self pity, or to continue to think there's some how a fix.

It takes practice to refocus your thoughts, but it's your responsibility to do just that. Each time you find yourself was thinking about some past missed love then stop yourself, not in anger but with love, and think about something else that's just as exciting... like tomorrow night's date night, or some project you're looking forward to working on.

Life is too short to waste "looping" about some past jerk. :D

~ Robby

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

He is lying to make a clean break. He may have feelings but he does not want to pursue it and does not want you to think about it.

xoxohotgirl · Accepted Answer

I know how you feel because i went through something similar to that... i was dating my ex for 3 years and 7 months. during those 3 years and 7 months we had our BIG downs 4 times (yes little break ups) but the last time we fought he went for a 3 week vacation, and when he came back everything changed the whole relationship changed then 2 days after my birthday i found out he cheated on me with this girl where he went on vacation. but i was stupid enough to forgive him but no longer then  Easter  day we started arguing again and then a week later i break up with him without asking him what i always wanted to ask him and out of no where my ex starts acting like the relationship never happened but then i found someone new and we're happy together and the relationship is so different that i catch my self sometimes thinking about my past relationship and every time i think about it, it hurts a lot. what i'm trying to say is that i understand you truly loved your ex but don't let him come by the way u and your boyfriend now be happy with this guy and try not to think about the past. the past is past for a reason live the future with your boyfriend now.

musical_mck99 · Accepted Answer

I know exactly how you feel! There was this guy who promised me that he would be there for me, and that year he got expelled from school, and i was so mad at him!!! It took me almost a year to move on from him. One of my friends had to tell me a few months ago that this guy wasn't made for me, and that i could try harder than him, and that was what i needed to realize that i needed to leave him behind, and i needed to move on. It takes a moment for the brain to realize that you need to move on, but the heart takes forEVER to realize that. But if that guy comes back to you with feelings for you, make him talk to the hand! He's just making you a rebound relationship. Rebound relationships are the worst. Plus with any small nick-nacks (i don't know how to spell it) that he gave to you or love notes, either 1) burn them !!! or 2) put them in the closet or anywhere that you won't be able to see them and figure out later as to what to do to them. I did #2, and that phrase "out of sight, out of mind" is really true!!! Hope this helps!!!

Caren-Field · Accepted Answer

People don't deal well with break-ups. Instead of being honest and straightforward about why we are breaking up, we often lie in an attempt to make either ourselves or our soon-to-be ex feel better. It's part of our survival mechanism.

In your case, if he told you he never had feelings for you, it's possible that he was trying to make himself feel better. If he justifies to himself that he never cared about you, he doesn't have to feel bad for leaving you.

Not cool, but it happens. I'm sorry he lied to you, I'm sorry he left you for his ex, and I'm sorry you are still hurting. Try to keep in mind that he was lying, that he did have feelings for you. And remember, it's likely when he was with you he was trying to move on from being hurt by his ex, just like you are with your new guy.

Imonlyhereforabit · Answer

Don't do anything with the new guy until you get over your ex. I know people will tell you to keep yourself busy and try not to think about it and it'll go away, but that's just you running away from your troubles. Pain is a part of our lives and experiencing it makes you a stronger person. So if you want to move on, then sit on it; think about all the bad things he's done, all the reasons he doesn't deserve you, all the pain he's caused you, and although you may sit in and cry for a day, a week, maybe even a month, when that's all over with you'll have fully accepted that he's beneath you, you'll be emotionally free from him (so if at later times he does come back you won't make an irrational decision of getting with him again), and most of all you'll have moved on being thankful for the good times and experiences you had together and without any spite or hatred for him. He'll just be another page in your life and you'll accept that he wasn't and will never be enough for you. Hope that all made sense.

confused4231 · Answer

First of all sorry about what you're going through! Break Ups Suck! Second, if he's foolish enough to go back to someone who cheated on him and hurt him then that's on him. Second, as much as it hurts maybe you're better off without him if he's telling you he never had feelings for you you deserve someone better, someone to treat you with respect. I just got dumbed about 6 weeks ago, her reason was that she felt like I wasn't happy, and that she felt as though I was ashamed her, that I was pushing her away. All of this came out of no where the night before we were over at my brother and sister in laws having dinner next day she tells me that. And that she needs time and space because "I used to be "the one", and she wasn't sure she felt the same way anymore."... That she has a lot of mixed feelings and doesn't know what to do. Since then... its been every hot and cold. She'll reach out to me, If I reach out to her she still needs time and space. She'll reach out again, If I ignore her she said "Oh, so are we not talking anymore?" I haven't reached out anymore kind of just let be. Last week she liked some of my pictures/post on facebook. This week I liked some of hers and she Blocks me...

Bottom line and I know its hard cause it still is for me but its been helping go and have as much as you can. Do things you enjoy. Do things you did before you dated. Call a friend and talk. Or even write down how you are feeling.

backspace · Answer

I'm so sorry for you because I know how much it hurts. I'm going trough the same thing right now.
I can tell you my story. Well she had a boyfriend but cheated on him with me and I only went along because at first I didn't know and then we were both in love with one another and I knew she wasn't in love with him. He was her first love. Anyway 7 months later she told me she was completely in love with me and couldn't imagine her life without me and that she needed to leave him and wanted to be with me. Well she did the other way around and got rid of me and really hurt me. Well a couple of months later she came back and told me that she was wrong and loved me so much she couldn't be without me so she broke up with her boyfriend and was with me for a full week and it was great we were both completely in love and really happy. But you guessed it she got scared of something and broke it off with me and was really mean to me and went back to her boyfriend. We haven't spoken since and this was almost two months ago and she still keeps hurting me just recently by deleting me of her Facebook or by people telling me that they're so happy now and everything. It's like she used me or didn't even feel anything and I feel so horrible and just can't get over it.
The sad thing is I've also met someone who seems really nice but I just can't seem to get close to her or open up because of the experience I've had because I'm just afraid that if I felt that she loved me that much and still hurt me how much can someone who doesn't care that much hurt me and I seem to be trying to isolate myself from feeling anything. Witch is so sad because I used to be a really open and in touch with my emotions kind of person and that what drew the girl to me in the first place.

Hope you can get over it I know for me it's going to be tough.

Message me if you want to talk some more...

Anonymous · Answer

Do not listen to anybody telling you it is your fault or you did something wrong!

The good news is although you may not be able to see it and believe it (due to all the emotions and attachements etc. that both sexes deal with in these situations) he was not the right guy for you at all! Let me explain why..

Any guy who can't be honest with you from the outset about what he wants, is not confident in himself (although he may appear so) and is insecure, whether he says it in words or with his actions. i. e. being pally with your family when he clearly wasn't that interested in you is not confident in himself and is weak and fake.

So you should thank the lord you discovered this so early in the relationship, he clearly strung you along emotionally because of his own insecurities only to jump back with his ex as soon as she said how high. Let me tell you getting back with you ex 99% of the time does not work in your 20s so he will be back.

This is why I'm of the opinion that relationships should start with sex from the outset, this way you discover faster who the real person is rather than a few months down the line, you can also decide whether it was just a one night stand or a friend with benefits situation or up to a boyfriend girlfriend thing (and no you are not a slut for thinking like this!).

So my advice to you now is this, realise that you were played by an insecure guy, don't get jaded about it just be aware of it in the future, that doesn't mean closing up. In the meantime work on yourself in the love department i. e. if you are not in shape get in shape etc. etc. that and find a new lover!

Do not look back and do not give him a second chance I guarantee you he will be back eventually with more emotional entaglement and pitfalls for you!

MrOracle · Answer

You need to realize that this guy was ONE guy - he isn't ALL guys, or even many. Most people would never do what he did. Unfortunately, sometimes you just get unlucky with a choice you made, even if you did everything right. I'm not sure there was any way to see this one coming - if the guy hid his feelings/intentions for his ex like that, then there's really nothing you can do.

But you MUST remember that just because ONE person was incredibly selfish and mean does not mean that most people are that way. In the future, you might want to move a bit more slowly, though, so that you don't get too attached too quickly, before you really know what's going on with someone.

parkway · Answer

Sounds like it is a "you" issue. You need someone to complete you which is a wrong feeling. He has the same problem, she cheated on him and the next time she cheats will be easier for her. He was traded so there is someone more important to her in the moment. It may be a bottle of chardony or glass of beer that will make it easy for her to leave him.

You have a guy and are using him as a place holder.

The fact that he was about to speak the love word is just mechanics.

Spend time alone and get to know yourself.

Call_me_Kaizar · Answer

Breakup hurts! But its on us that how we take it..

Breakup teaches us a leason so that our future relations and the final relation can be best.
It makes us strong too. So when it gives us these good things then why to remember your ex who wasn't even meant for you.
You had a breakup that means he was never for you.
You have a brighter part of your life ahead so leave the darker part of past in past and live in the present cause you must have heard that present is a gift and past is the thing which is gone and is not with you.
So make your smile your best friend and GO LIVE YOUR LIFE AND DATE AS MANY AS YOU CAN TILL YOU GET THE BEST AND I BELIEVE IN YOU!!!

juststrollin · Answer

I agree with the 1st anonomyous answer, he basically said he was a coward.

So think of it this way. If a girl does the same thing (goes back to a terrible ex) she doesn't have much confidence/respect of herself. I was hurt for almost a year about my ex and wanted to go back even though he was a jerk to me. I've been realising lately that as soon as i stood up to him he ran away... why? because (atleast to me) he was a coward and maybe he'll be not a coward to someone else in the future but he was to me. I will not settle, you don't settle for that flaky guy. He was weak and lacking you'll realize it soon. You were blind to it because you liked him and it happens.

Dont feel like you miss him and want to love him he is undeserving of your love and you are not to be played with. Does any person willing to just walk away from a gf/bf deserve there love? No way!

Phantom-menace · Answer

I understand how you feel, a girl did a similar thing to me, she played me and hurt me. It is going to hurt, but you will get over it eventually. Try and focus on other things, whatever you do, don't let get you down. I am afraid to say that is one of the bad things that comes to the dating game. I think next time don't try to fall for someone so quickly and take your time to get to know them first.

Try and do your best and move on, he is really not worth thinking about. I hope you will be alright. good luck

Zeuuwee · Answer

To me if you said 2 others also told you he was borderline in love with you is bullshit. I have psychology major. The way I see it he is keeping his own face and 'showing some heart' so it will not look like he is a complete jurk get it. He tells you his gf destroyed him and cheated on him ask him so what have he done wrong in the relationship. If he keeps telling you its all her than he is hiding his own ass.

If it is a real relationship there is good and bad. No one can be that bad right. There is always reason to something. May I ask you, you been with him for 3 months and what about his break up? When he broke up? Than I can follow up the story.

Anonymous · Answer

Was she his first love? Then I am sorry for you, but I can understand him.

I mean she lied to me, played mind games, has a child with another.

And if she would tell me, that she is single and wanted me, I would run to her as fast as I can.

I love her I will always love her.

I am sorry for you, but the heart does not react well to logic. It has its own rules.

If she was not his first love, then he is an idiot and you should forget him.

I am really sorry for you. I know how love that is not answered feels. I hope you find someone.

Anonymous · Answer

I went through a similar thing, although his ex didn't cheat, and am still dealing with the pain several months on.
He broke up with me then hooked up with a girl for a few weeks, went back to me then dumped me out of the blue and recently moved in with her. It has really shattered my self confidence and faith in men.

All the people who have shared their advice to help this girl out thank you. As this advice has given me a much clearer outlook on my situation too.

If only there were just as many helpful people on gag who are willing to read long posts rather than just short ones.

Anonymous · Answer

Dang so basically you were a rebound? I know how that feels. I've been through that before and it hurt really bad. I don't think he was in love with you seeing as to how easily he left you for her. The only thing I would advise is to move on for now and if he wants to get back make him work for it or better yet don't take him back at all. Then from now on before you start dating a new guy make sure you ask them if there's someone else in their heart and stay away from the ones that are hung up over their ex.

honeyltsme · Answer

If a friend is telling you at a time like this "borderline in love" it means it def. wasn't full-on love. Sounds like he wasn't over his ex in the same exact way you're not over him, meaning you're doing the exact same thing to the guy you're with now, that he did to you.

MattSX · Answer

that kind of guy likes to play with others feelings. its the kind ya need to stay away. plus he's a liar, if ya said he actually loved ya and then turned and said he didn't. but well, if he lied that time, he must have always been a liar like that, and ya should realize that.
I feel so much for ya have met a guy like that but, if ya want to know, the best way to leave him, its to put someone else on his place, like that guy ya said ya just met.
wish ya the best dear ;D

BatDoc · Answer

I know this is going to sound harsh, but you're young. Life goes on. Pick up the pieces and move on. You lived your whole life except for the last 3 months without this guy and you did fine. You will do just fine again, you just have to decide to move on. Focus on your new man and the memories of the last guy will fade away.

TornByBalance · Answer

You have to learn to look passed the lies. Three months is a long time. It is obvious that he hasn't gotten over his ex, but the fact still remains that he wanted you. Don't think so much about the words because people who make decisions like that are never to be trusted by their word.

Pakvaisuse · Answer

That girl must of been his first love. You never forget your first love and you never stop loving your first love, you would always care for them no matter what. Which probably means why he went back to her, he was still in love with her when he was with you, having said that he must of had some sort of feelings for you but not as strong as for his ex. His not worth it and I'm sure you will find someone new soon. I know it's hard now but trust me soon the pain will feel less painful and you will be able to be happy again. Hope this helped :)

GreatPerhaps · Answer

How to move on? Know your worth girl!! Know that you deserve better than being a second thought to someone. I know you had strong feelings for him & It sucks that he bullshitted you & led you on. He's not over his ex unfortunately. In time you'll heal. Stay strong! :) You dodged a bullet! :)

p0rtis26 · Answer

My ex left me for another guy. I loved the person, but I realize life is so much better without her. She wanted something else and in my opinion the fact that he lied about his feelings and just bailed makes it easier to move on. At least you can see through their actions who they really are.

He completely broke me down to nothing. How to move on?

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He completely broke me down to nothing. How to move on?

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