After a 14 year marriage, I found out that my wife was having an affair with my best friend! How do I go about starting over?

So my wife and I have been together since we were 14 (19years total) she's literally the only serious relationship that I've ever had! My best friend, or I'll call him my ex best friend actually, I've known him since we were both 13... We've always been really close except for when he left to go to college in Minnesota we lost touch for four or five years. Over the last two years or so we have been really really good friends, hanging out on almost a daily basis! I noticed that my wife's behavior was askew from her normal behavior. Around October 2014, there was a couple of times where I was pretty sure that she was lying to me about being with one of her girlfriends or whatever. Long story short I started getting suspicious of what was going on, and one night when she was supposed to be at her friends house I went there also and she wasn't there. At that point I had this wound up ball of fear in my stomach I could feel that something is definitely wrong! I went several places looking for her, she would not answer her cell phone or text. And the last place I looked which to tell you the truth I had no suspicion of really, and I felt bad for even doing a drive-by! But this last place that I went was my best friends house... And bigger than shit there was her car! I was so upset that I was literally hyperventilating 50 feet from his door. As I was going to approach his door and knock they both came out holding hands, laughing giggling, and hair looking like bed head all over the place! Things were obviously trifling! They didn't see me at first but were walking towards me, as he noticed me they stopped in their tracks and had a oh shit look on their faces especially his. Here we are three months later she has left me for him, I am obviously devastated but I want to move on. I really only have experience with my wife and not with dating so much! Anybody have any tips on me moving on more easily or finding a girlfriend, because I'm going crazy! Any advice? Please?

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Most Helpful Girl

  • You and your Ex have just broken up here, dear, so the Last thing you need right now is to jump from the fat to the fire so Fast By------Finding a girlfriend. You need to focus on you right now, do some serious soul searching and begin your beguine by licking your war wounds and try and deal with the pain and anguish of what she and your bestie Did to you.
    Don't try and bring some other girl into This mess right now. She will only end up the monkey in the middle and a rebound Rebecca to boot. Take your time, see where this fling thing is going with Her and if you are making serious plans to unload her, which you should do, then concentrate on getting your own life together and later... be birds of a feather with someone who is more deserving but make sure you are ready... even then, take your time and learn by these little lessons in life and love.
    It sounds like you have a long road ahead of you and even if this cheetah would come crawling back tomorrow, reconsider letting her back in the door. You could never trust her again and just like the bestie who you found was a back stabber, he should now be Forever this Fair weather friend with a cheating chick he has by his side now and together... they deserve one another.
    Good luck and blessings for 2015. xx

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    • Very nice and well thought out response, I wanted to let you know that I read it but I'm not ready to respond to you yet because I'm not sure what I want to say exactly.

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    • Thank You Sweets 🍭🍬🍧🍰 xoxo.
      Sincerely,
      James

    • Oh, you are so welcome sweet James and best of luck here, dear.
      Blessings,
      Paris "P"xxoo

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What Girls Said 5

  • Wow. I'm so sorry. What a frigging sleaze she is. I don't think it's going to be "easy" to move on from her, because you've been with her for most of your life, so are you sure you want to get back out on the dating scene?

    If so, I think you should take it one step at a time. So simply go onto dating sites or single meets to meet women. It seems you're in a fragile state so you can be easily manipulated. If this is true, I would wait.

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    • You're right I'm not ready to date... And yes it won't be easy. I've buried several family members and friends over the years, and some were killed in tragedy... But this is so much more difficult for some reason... I don't get it!

  • First matter, the kids.

    Get full custody. That's hard as fuck so when you get them, tell them why you divorced. Because mommy left them for another man (the fact that she would even put her selfish needs before her kids is horrible) Treat them wonderfully. Convince the courts that you do not trifle around like she does! Courts don't like trifling parents. I don't think she does drugs or has any prior convictions so we can't use those.

    Get a new house or change the locks. Kick her out if she isn't out already. Sell some stuff, get new stuff. Take care of the kids first! Then you can start having your friends hook you up but kids come first!!

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    • You are 17? I must say that you are 100% wise beyond your years! I must say however that I reside in the "great state" of California. In CA divorce and custody cases/ battles are not affected whatsoever by infidelity or the like. I know that in some states the cheater must "wear the Scarlett letter" before the court and usually will not fair well within the case. In California the court will not even entertain hearing the details of why you're there as far as infidelity cheating etc. that is what is referred to as irreconcilable differences and that's all that there is to it. Its pretty simple really as as far as the property that we own, she'll most likely get half of everything, Even though she's never worked, and even though my Dad has at least a 187,000 usd interest in my house, he'll prob get screwed because of minimal paperwork records on the loan. I hope he doesn't screwed over, cuz I'll be paying him back till the day he dies...

    • Thank you. Hmm go seek lawyer consultation. It shouldn't be very expensive. They know more legally than I do.

      Hopefully not. There should be some clause to prevent your father from getting screwed over.

  • I would not worry about dating right now since you are in a fragile state.

    Like someone else just said, hire a good divorce attorney. I find that courts just usually award full custody to whoever has more assets, but if you can show the judge that you're wife is being manipulative/brainwashing the kids, these things can bode in your favor. Again, a good divorce lawyer will help you devise a plan.

    I don't know where you are in California, but if you contact the local bar association where you live they can give you some general advice and help you find a reputable divorce lawyer in your area.

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  • Just have no contact with her

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    • That's going to be a little bit difficult because were going to be going through a (brutal) divorce first of all, second of all I have two children with her; a 12-year-old daughter and a 8-year-old son, whom she is currently doing the best she can do to brainwash them to hate me!

    • I mean just contact her about divorce and kids nothing else

    • Okay thanks sweetie! I really appreciate your time to respond. James

  • You should move to Costa Rica and find a nice woman there to start a family with.

    www.crguytrip.com/.../costa-rican-women-main.jpg

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    • Thank you for the eye candy. It's very ironic that you mention Coast Rica, that is the last vacation I took my family on! It's great down there Playa Del flamingo, Arenel volcano, are very nice places to visit. I just don't know if I could make an income down there and really don't know anything about moving to central America! But the women are very beautiful.

    • Well, if you ever figure out how to make a living down there, you know who are waiting for you ;)

    • ROFLMFAO LoLoLoL

What Guys Said 8

  • Hey so sorry to hear that... but was your relationship OK with your ex wife?
    or were there any problems.. between you two? what caused her to cheat?

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    • Well what caused her to cheat, because I have talk to her about this extensively because I just wanted to know why? Basically not long after my friend started hanging out a lot with me, and being over at my house all the time. Unbeknownst to me mostly due to the fact that I trusted both of them, he had been laying down the daddy Mac almost since day one trying to get up in those panties! Apparently she had told some of our friends and even some of my family that she felt a disconnect with me and that she didn't know what to do and she wasn't happy in the marriage. However she never said anything to me, nobody else said anything else to me... And the date of her starting to tell everybody she was unhappy with me pretty much coincides with the approximate time that my friend started hanging out with us a lot! So if I do have to say for sure I'd say what caused her to cheat was do you happen to be laying on the floor with this freaking pants off, she tripped on one of my sons Tonka trucks and landed right on his dick!

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    • And you two have been in a relationship since 14?

    • Yes, since the summer between freshman and sophomore year. Which I believe was late June of 1995. We lost our virginities to each other a year later...πŸ˜•

  • You look like a cool guy. it's not over, get out there and make a comeback

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    • Well thank you bro, I like to consider myself a cool guy. I'm just not feeling as cool as I usually do right now! Thank you though for responding and your words of encouragement, they mean a lot.
      James

  • Man... look for corey wayne on youtube, buy his product, hire him as your couch, read his book, it will help you fellow brother.

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  • What hobbies do you have?

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    • I have a Harley Davidson that I like to ride, however I haven't even started since December. I've collected coins and so I was a kid so I've got a pretty decent collection. Which she wants half of by the way! And besides that my hobbies were my family and my kids.

    • Well my personal opinion would be just to focus on your kids. For the time being take them places and use it as an opportunity to get closer with them. Dont worry about another girl for a few just enjoy life with the two that mater most.

  • thats so fucked up. my condolenses

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  • Everyday i understand more than last day , marriage is not reliable nowadays and im sad because of that , although i dont wanna but skepticism wins.. I know i dont say about your case but I've wanted to add these , i hope you will overcome this bad case be strong

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  • Never invite dudes at your home... !!
    Problems start when they begin to talk with your wives n family members...

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    • I feel you on that, however this was not just some random dude. This was somebody that I have been best friends with since I was 13, over 20 years and I had no reason not to trust him. I also had no reason not to trust my wife!

    • The best n old pals are indeed your enemy... Never trust them... !! See you experienced...

  • first thing file for divorce. Second thing just get your life together. concentrate on work and your friends - that one and things will turn around for you

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    • Yeah she's already handled that for me... the whole filing thing. Very hard to concentrate on work because well basically my best friend, ex best friend works where I work because I got him the job there... And has since been trying to step on my dick in more ways than one if you know what I mean! Being at a depressed a low hasn't given me much energy to even entertain any of the bullshit that's been said... He's very manipulative and has spent the last several months teaching her how to be a cold calculating bitch and she's getting right up there with manipulation also! From watching some videos online I discovered that they are both textbook narcissists... Oh what a tangled web we weave!

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