She isn't over her ex, I'm in love with her and want to wait, I don't quite understand her though...

Question

So, I met this girl about six months ago at work. We would always talk and flirt and we had wonderful, meaningful, deep conversations. We had great chemistry and we just simply got a long great. I asked her out to dinner after talking for a few weeks and we had a great time. We went out a couple of times more and she wound up bringing up the fact that we get a long wonderfully but she can't do anything right at the moment because she is working through issues with her past. I understood and told her I wanted to continue to be friends. A few more months went on and we continued to hang out. I got the feeling she was pushing me away so I spoke to her about it and she told me that she just wasn't ready for anything. She told me she was still in love with her ex but didn't plan to get back with him and didn't want to lose me because I was a special person and a wonderful friend. She said things like "I wish I would've met you before" and "this is just bad timing," and "I'm going to keep working on my issues" but she can only offer friendship right now. I told her I'd wait forever and she said she didn't want me to that it's not fair to me.

I continued to hang out with her a lot and got closer to her family and we finally brought up the conversation one more time after going out to dinner. She told me she's scared she will never get over her ex. She said she didn't want to have the conversation about that again because it's just too hard right now and she would feel she would have to push me away if I couldn't just accept the fact that we are friends. I felt that I needed to respect her for that and all she needs is a friend. I did have to ask her, what do you feel for me? She said "you know, you are the perfect guy," "everything about you is what I would want in 'the one'" but she said she's still in love with her ex, he was her first love, and doesn't want to rebound with me. What I don't understand is, why would she flirt with me and tell me she just wants to be friends. She also said she compares her ex to me a lot and realizes all the things that make me a good person. She just can't explain why she can't move on just yet.

I want to wait around. I'm not just a young kid who thinks he's in love. I have thought I was in love a million times but what I feel for this girl has no comparison to anyone in the past. I think about her constantly and when I think about moving on all I realize is that I don't want to move on because I only have eyes for her. But its hard to wait around if she is simply NEVER going to get over her ex.

What I really need advice about it how to be a friend. I texted her the other day and said how I really missed her and wanted to be with her and she wrote back "please stop that, you know the conversation we had, it's not appropriate." "you know how hard it is for me."

What should I do? I hope someone has good advice because this is tormenting me.

dance_backwards · Accepted Answer

My friend, this half-in, half-out business is bullsh*t. If she flirts with you and goes out on dates with you, she wants you. She may not really understand what that means, or even know it, but she wants you. Never never ever discuss ex-es at length with someone you are romantically interested in. Never never ever discuss being in a relationship with someone you are romantically interested in unless possibly if you are already sleeping together and/or definitively committed in some less-physical way. Do not EVER tell a woman that you miss her unless you are 300+ miles away and have not seen her for at least a month. Platonic or romantic, they often tend to get the wrong idea. You say: "I miss you." Meaning: "I care about you and I want to spend time with you." Their biology frequently hears: "I am weak, and wimpy, and I need your mothering attentions to survive, and therefore I am a liability and definitely not romantically attractive."

In fact, it sounds like the two of you do way too much talking, period. And as for spending time together? Sometimes less is more. Absence can lend clarity to both emotion and thought. Totally disappearing off the face of the earth is not particularly advisable.

What you need is not advice on how to be a friend. That is BS. Don't be silly. Keep that line of thought, and friends is definitely all you will ever be (which is fine, by the way). You want her and you know it. Her idea that she "is getting over her ex" by not being involved with you or whatever? That is likewise BS. It is understandable that she might think that, and understandable that you might feel like you need to be a friend, but you both probably need to get laid more than anything. Jacking off is a great first step in that direction, by the way. And you definitely both need a dose of realism.

Believe me, you are doing OK. Eddie Rabbitt's song is not famous for no reason:

First step, Ask her out and treat her like a lady. Check.

Second step, Tell her she's the one you're dreaming of. Check, or close enough.

Third step, Take her in your arms and never let her go... you apparently need to work on this one.

If she's sort pushing you away right now, tell her you are not romantically interested in her after all, that you just thought you were, and that there is another girl that you are interested in. Tell her gently and politely that she should really try to get back with her ex, since she is in love with him still. But make sure she knows that you do want to be friends. Then don't talk to her for three days. Then tell her that you and friends are going on a camping trip in the mountains or some other secluded activity with some friends, and tell her you'd like her to come. Then don't invite any friends. OK, honestly, you don't need to do any of this devious crap. But that is the mentality to adapt. Sometimes the most direct way to fight a battle is not the wisest. And don't "wait," friend. Time waits for no one!

Drewski · Accepted Answer

I went through a very similar situation about a year ago. She was very much still attached to her ex who was most of the time a complete d*** to her and also had another current girlfriend. We started to hang out as often as we could about 2 weeks after we met. We would make out and do some other stuff but she just did not want to be in a relationship. I continued to hang out with her, her family and friends, and be there for her when she needed me. She told me many times that she didn't want me to wait for her to be ready and asked why I wasn't hanging out with other girls that would be more suited for me. After almost 2 months she finally caved in when I told her I was starting to fall in love with her. She told me if I had tried to make a bigger move any sooner she probably would of turned me down and it wouldve made her feel worse about both situations. Anyways it turns out sometimes they are worth the wait seeing as we are living together and I couldn't be happier.

She might just need for you to be there for her right now more than having her worry about upsetting you. If you all are not kissing and being very close to each other on a regular basis it might be another story. It could be her way of saying that you are a very nice person but she really just wants to be friends and let you off easily.

peaceloveemusic · Accepted Answer

I think you should wait for her and stop pressuring her. While it is obvious she has feelings for you and you might have a future together, she will feel smothered if you keep asking. Getting over someone can be hard and its good that she's waiting before dating you, because otherwise her feelings would be mixed up and she couldn't fully commit.

That being said, you can't wait forever. If you wait for a few more months and she still isn't coming around, then you should try to move on. You can't wait for someone who is never coming around. While I think it is doubtful she wil "never get over her ex" if she doesn't realize what she could have with you soon, you might need to try to look for someone who really values you.

I know that isn't what you want to hear, but it's true.

Now, as far as being a freind, just be there for her! Don't continue asking her if she's ready or make romantic advances, because they obviously make her uncomfortable at the place she's in right now. You can still hang out with her, and keep talking to her! Definitely keep talking to her, but keep it light. She obviously doesn't want to talk about her ex or relationship with you because she feels bad and can't commit right now. When you talk to her, don't talk about how you miss her or want to be with her, just TALK! She will get upset if you continue to talk about this. Just act like you would with any other friend.

I know this is hard, and I've been in a similar situation. Sometimes feelings are hard to explain, but she obviously can see dating you in the future, she's just not in the right place right now.

In the mean time, it's not wrong to look for other people. You never know who's out there. Just because you're waiting for her doesn't mean she has to be the only person in your life. Not saying you should move on yet, but you sound like a good guy, and she can't keep you waiting forever!

Hope I helped!

confused415 · Accepted Answer

I think you need to do what you have been doing all along and being the best at- her friend.

Clearly, right now, she is going through a rough time in her personal life. Losing her boyfriend, her first love. You need to respect that and let have time to heal and have her peace with herself regarding her last relationship.

If you give her the time she needs, it will only let your two's relationship grow into a deeper connection and an even bigger love down the road. Right now, she needs a friend more than anything. She clearly likes you, even loves you as a friend. Understand that and take it to heart. She sees your qualities and has been smart enough to not do something stupid like rush into a relationship and risk losing you. I know it is hard right now, but eventually things will fall into place when needed, as they should.

I know it seems silly to think about this, but really your in a better place than you would have been as a boyfriend. You two can be best friends, and grow a deeper connection without the hassle of emotions and feelings that come with a relationship. You can call her and talk to her every day and never worry about if she loves you as much as her ex. You can truly get to know your best friend and become soul mates later down the road.

Until then, continue to be there for her. Continue to be there when she needs a laugh and be her shoulder when she cries. Be there when she needs you most and let your love for her grow as her's grows as well. I know it's hard, to see someone you love not able to reciprocate. But she will, I promise. One day, she'll wake up and realize what she truly missed wasn't her ex- but you and you'll finally get that dinner date. Good luck, and I promise it will be more than well worth the wait.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

You seem like a very nice guy indeed to her:) And I can understand how unfair this situation is to you as well :( I don't think she really knows what she wants. My concern to you is whether you are psychologically and emotionally ready to handle the situation should both of you don't end up together. If this goes on, eventually you'll get more and more attached to her. and say things didn't go well between both of you, I'm just concerned that you'll get very upset and have to go through a very tough time being heart broken.

So, emotionally pull out yourself slightly from this situation by reducing the amount of contact with her, because the more you contact her or having the urge to contact her, the worse it becomes. Also, have a conversation with her if she's willing to talk about it. Say that since she wants to have her "alone" time to "sort things out", it's best she respect that both of you don't contact each other for the moment. In that way she won't send mixed signals to you for the moment, and you can work on not being too attached to her (not saying you shouldn't love her and all), but it's better for you to pull yourself out from this slightly now rather than later. Hope this helps.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

No, THIS is not tormenting you; YOU are tormenting yourself.

She may be the "perfect" girl for you but this is a case of right girl/wrong time. She says she doesn't want you to be a rebound but you are filling that role in her life. She probably isn't doing this intentionally, but flirting with you is making her feel good and that's fine for her, but it's not leading to anything else for you.

If/when she feels that she is ready, she will probably look elsewere and you will hear some cheesy line about "I don't want to lose you as a friend," at which point you will feel like putting your fist through a wall. Any effort you make to be a friend is just an excuse for you to hold on to hope that you should abandon.

Can you accept just being her friend for the rest of your life? Do you really want to hear about it when she starts dating some other dude who she says is "dreamy?" How will you act when she says someting that indicates she spent the night with him? Do you really want to attend her wedding?

You don't want to hear it but you are wasting your time and proloning your agony. YOU are tormenting yourself.

Belgie · Answer

RUN YOU FOOL!

Run far, and run fast.

This girl is using you as an emotional crutch. She will compliment you and lead you on JUST enough to keep you interested. But she will never love you.

Get the hell out of there, never look back, never speak to her, think of her, or call her. She is an emotional vampire, and she's only going to torment you more the longer you are around.

Harsh reality moment here : SHE WILL NOT CHANGE.

Save yourself a ton of heartbreak, and GET OUT and STAY OUT.

Paris13 · Answer

Back down. You know She is still in LOve with the Guy from her Past. He may have Been a Long Term Love and or a First Love and it is the Hardest to Get Over. She has Been honest from The Start from Her Heart. Be a Casual Friend. Even if She was to Pick you Up Tomorrow, You'd be a Rebound. xx

Peter_Penetrator · Answer

Do you want to be her friend or lover? If you are not careful, she could “friend zone” you if she hasn’t already. Once she friend zones you, it is difficult to reverse it.
Any man looking to be a woman's lover fears being friend zoned. That is the kiss of death so to speak.

If I were you, I would want to know that she was over her ex before I invested to much emotionally in her which sounds like you have. More than she has in you.
I would want her full attention. She most likely wants to give her full attention to you. I would lay off contacting her anymore. I know that sounds counterintuitive, but you would be surprised how the “no contact” strategy works.
There is a book out on Amazon called, “How to become a 3% man” by Corey Wayne. With a lot of 4 and 5 star reviews. You can You Tube him and watch his videos. He doesn’t teach the usual PUA bullshit. He cares about women and explains where men go wrong in attracting women and where we go wrong in keeping them in love with us. It is very valuable information and has helped me a lot lately.
You have to be disciplined enough to follow his advice but it will be worth it to you. Hell, even women have read it and learned a lot about why they look for that 3% man.
Now, in his videos, he may seem like a jerk sometimes, but you have to read between the lines when he is. Dude gets a lot of emails from a lot of men and many success stories. You would also be surprised how his advice will not only help with getting women to fall in love with you, but it will help you in other aspects of your life which will also help attracting the ladies. There are men out there that pay over a $1000 for his Skype or phone secessions.

Nanylopez · Answer

Omg sweetie ! I am going through the same thing it is a bit different because I haven't mentioned anything to my friend he had a relationship in the past over 7 years ago! We go out and even though we don't say it I only go out with him and he does the same. We text everyday and tell each other our whereabouts all the time. My advice is being a girl ... We do like to flirt but if she is telling you that all she can offer is a friendship ? More than likely she doesn't like you as a boyfriend material ? Or she is very hurt ! Give her time, I know it is not easy believe me I feel like dying if I don't hear from him. Find activities to do sports, recreational activities, get other friends don't be so clingy. I am not saying stop thinking about her because it is not going to happen ! When you find yourself dying to call or text her occupy yourself in other things give her the cold shoulder... One either she is going to be OK with it and this is not going to bother her at all... Or you might get a call asking why you haven't call her or made contact... So you tell her that you got the point and respected her decision of being just friends because she can't offer you anything else ... That obviously you care for her and wish her well but you can't be putting yourself through all this drama ! Hopefully this helps ! If you have any advise for me let me know !

markbill · Answer

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Phoenix52 · Answer

You don't want to be her friend. You want to be her lover.

So for god's sake, take her out some night, just have fun. Don't bring up anything personal.

Make a move - kiss her. Make out.

F*ck her decision to 'just be friends' - cause honestly, that's just another sh*t-test by girls. You want her now, so get her. Take her to bed with you, trust me on this. Girls like guys who aren't afraid of being sexual. It's relationship or NOTHING for her and you. Your confidence is gonna make her cave into your demands.

All in all, it doesn't matter what she wants - it's what YOU want. Plow through her games and tests and succeed by being more selfish and getting what you want. Do this based off your feelings, your instincts.

And if it just so happens that she says 'I don't want our friendship to be ruined', laugh at it and think to yourself 'f*ck this friendship crap, I don't want it'

KarKingJack · Answer

Lol, dude, it sounds like your into my ex. Where you from?

Uh... I dunno. Your not doing anything wrong. Just make it clear to her that when you show affection, like saying how much you miss her and the like, that your doing it as a friend, not as a potential lover. Its just how you are, 'cos I'm sure it is. She thinks its you trying to be all, y'know, lovey dovey with her, but you don't wanna have to change your ways to suit her idea of friendship. Just explain, y'know...

Otherwise, you've got it all worked out. If you really don't want anyone else, then don't date anyone else, but don't tell her that.

cerealpirate · Answer

Move on chief !   I was / am in the same situation trust me there is 3-4 women to every guy in the US ... cut your ties and look for someone that can love you as much as you can love them ... trust me when I say this... it is the most painful feeling loving someone that doesn't love you back ... and even more painful trying to hold on to something that's not there... I made a fatal mistake in giving this girl my heart ... I had strong feelings and everything was so puppy love like until it faded ... Remember Love is not an emotion it is an action ... it is a choice.   You chose to love some one and yes there will be emotions that go along with it ... happiness, sadness, confusion.  but in the end Love is a Choice ... Choose Wisely !

mollym · Answer

I'd ignore the person that said that saying "I miss you" makes you a pansy. But it does make you too vulnerable. You need to try and distance yourself and let her come to you when she is ready. If you can't handle dating and mingling, just find a hobby you enjoy to distract you. Start writing or playing guitar or something. Keep your focus elsewhere when possible.

If she likes you, she will try and work her issues out and then pursue a relationship with you. If she dates other guys, then she thinks of you as a friend and was trying not to hurt your feelings by rejecting you because you are obviously a good person and friend. If that isn't enough for her, then maybe she doesn't deserve you. Her ex drama will probably always be there in some form, so maybe its best that you steer clear anyway.

Hope that helped.

Hello_World · Answer

Stop seeking her approval and stop asking how she feels about you. You are in Mr Nice Guy zero chemistry box. Leave her alone. Show her you don't need her and move on, all of a sudden when she sees you with another girl she will realize how dumb she was. Still be a good guy, but don't be that puppy dog that is always there that she things she has completely won over.

She likes her Ex cause her Ex doesn't like her. Be the guy that doesn't like her for a change.

playa_pan · Answer

Just find someone else. She seems like the emotionally clingy type and those are the ones who bring drama into life.

"I really want to be with you but I'm still in love with my ex"

and you take her out on dates! You already done your part; she goes for it and then retreats.

I'd be ignoring her once she starts mentioning about her ex crap

BlackSuperman · Answer

If she ain't over her ex... it's simple... move the eff on. Quit wasting time with dumbasses... You got a life to lead... she is merely an idiot who will break your heart in the process of making herself a jumpoff for guys... Why even stick around for ANY of that drama?

Jmuniz364 · Answer

Dude honestly move on. She doesn't have feelings for you and you don't need to wait, doing so will only hurt you even more trust me I know. Don't even pay attention to her anymore. Being a friend is only going to help her move on and as soon As she realizes how much you have been there for her she won't need you to be her boyfriend because she already has you friend and you basically are her bitch and she knows you would do anything for her so she don't need you to be her boyfriend. Waiting for her and being a friend more than ever to her is all bullshit stop being her bitch and say "you know what fuck this bitch she don't want me then fuck it I'll move on" and Just maybe she will comeback saying "you are the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with" know your worth stop being a bitch and and move on yeah I know it's not easy because I went through it too but im being brutally honest on how girls work girls are fucked up but that's just life.

Guytalks · Answer

You said it has been months already? I think it's unhealthy for you.

She told you to not wait because it's not fair to you. If I were you I'd look for someone else.

If one day she's recovered from her ex then she'll contact you. Also, having you gone might be the spark she needs to get over the ghost of her ex in her mind.

But you just hanging around her like that is bad for you and you'll never get her this way.

Good luck!

D_Bone_Steak · Answer

I read to about the second paragraph maybe halfway. She's alpha widowed and you're being a simp... leave that situation alone. Get other chicks in your life. I had to quit reading because it was just painful to read that simpestry. Just stop it. You're making our gender look bad. Like dude... I would pay for some hookers to get you to stop that shit. Pussy isn't hard to get.

Anonymous · Answer

Well I could tell you to look elsewhere but it sounds as if your smitten so you probably won't even be interested in other girls. But don't rule out other people. Sure hang in their as a friend but don't become too valuable to her as a friend as you don't want to be just that. And if the opportunity arises to date someone else, do it! Don't put your life on hold for someone who's not sure!

Avanat · Answer

Distance yourself. I am in the same boat right now.

I really love this girl, and I am making her come to me. I stopped going to her for the most part, I make her invite me to everything and start conversations for the most part.

Good luck, I really hope you can work this out.

Anonymous · Answer

Some girls really can't get over their ex and you need to respect that and move on from her and let her live her life with her hopes on first love. You aren't obligated to stop from dating others. Date other girls. Stop spending time with this girl. If you really wanna forget her then you need to help her in patching her with her ex. Then you can be able to move on. Get yourself a girl who doesn't get stuck on her ex

kriskiss · Answer

leave her alone and date someone else. after she sees your involved with another girl she may suddenly want you and come back to you.  no joke dude.

She isn't over her ex, I'm in love with her and want to wait, I don't quite understand her though...

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